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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Told to stop spoiling step child

36 replies

Bailsgd · 05/10/2020 12:08

Yesterday my partner was told by SC mum that I’m spoiling her. I had no idea I was.

So our family set up myself and my partner work full time our son goes to Nursery when we are working so the weekends are family time we bake cakes we go for Picnics in the park trips out to the seaside we used to meet up with friends and family too but that’s out the window for now.

My partner has his daughter every other weekend and when she is here she just fits in with us she joins in withy he baking and loves running around playing with her step brother.
Don’t get me wrong if she miss behaves her dad will do the parenting and she gets told off or whatever but I don’t understand how I’ve spoilt her it’s stuff I do with with my child At a weekend anyway it’s not like we go over the top when SC is here nothing really changes for us just add an extra person.

Her mum says it’s not Fair on her because she can’t afford or doesn’t have the time to do these things with her so her dad looks like the better parent and he’s just doing it to show off because he has money.

Part of me wants to say to her I’m sorry we work hard to earn money and maybe if she got a job she would have the money but I know that’s very petty and I will keep my mouth shut.

SC is only 5 so I see nothing wrong with baking cakes and going to the seaside please tell me if I’m wrong.

OP posts:

EL8888 · 05/10/2020 12:11

Ignore is my advice. Doesn’t sound like spoiling to me?! Just normal family life. Maybe she is jealous but that’s not your problem, as you said maybe a sign for her to get a job.

Playing devils advocate but if you were to stop these things then how would that work? Your step daughter feeling left out if your son is doing them. Or neither of them doing them and both kissing out? Nah ignore her

EL8888 · 05/10/2020 12:12

Kissing = missing

LadyCatStark · 05/10/2020 12:12

Ignore her. You don’t sound OTT at all!

Pinkyxx · 05/10/2020 12:40

Ignore.

I'm a Mum with a child who goes to ex with significant financial means, I have limited means by comparison even with working full time ( one salary vs 2 not rocket science!). So for example I don't take DC on holidays - ex takes 4 or 5 a year a couple of which will be foreign (in normal times lol). This is something done with Dad and honestly, I am glad for it as DC wouldn't get the chance otherwise. DC Dad is the ''fun'' parent and doesn't have DC very often so I'm the one who does the grind but truthfully that has had zero impact on my & DC relationship. When little sure DC used to say how Daddy was the ''best'' because he takes them to Lego land, holidays etc and I'd sometimes feel a bit inadequate because I could never afford this kind of stuff but you know what matters is being there for your child not how much money you spend.

The Mum sounds bitter about her limited means but that's her problem, not yours. Total over-reaction projected on you. If she wants to focus on that let her, but don't respond to it as it will fuel an argument. You're not spoiling the child, you're involving them in your family life which is the right thing to do. I don't call a trip to the seaside or baking cakes spoiling either!

MeridianB · 05/10/2020 13:22

Hang on, so you bake cakes, go to the park, visit family and friends but she thinks you’re spoiling SD?

When I saw your thread title I expected it to be buying SC expensive toys or clothes and going to the Maldives.

Your weekends sound brilliant. A trip to the park is free. Sandwich picnic or baking fairy cakes at home is pennies. Is it more likely the mum can’t be bothered to do these things? Your DP should just ignore.

user27378 · 05/10/2020 13:25

I think you need to ask her for examples of what she feels is spoiling to get to the bottom of this. If it really is baking cakes and going to the seaside or park then she's obviously lost the plot. But I suspect it isn't that. Does she always return home with new clothes, toys, magazines, sweets etc?

Laserbird16 · 05/10/2020 13:35

I'd stay well out of it.

No need for you to go setting SC mum to rights. Do what you'd like to do with the children and DP and his ex can discuss all they like, nothing to do with you.

From the way you described it ex sounds jealous/insecure of all the lovely quality time you get with SD. You don't need to rub salt in the wound with how much money you have etc. I can see from her perspective having DD all week doing the grunt work, finding money tight and then hearing what an awesome time DD had at dad's would be hard. However, ex needs to deal not ask you to change.

averythinline · 05/10/2020 13:45

You don't do anything...DH needs to get to the bottom of this...

Why does she not work...did she stop when dc born? ...if you only see at weekends she would need childcare everyday...possibly both ends of the day...
.you have 2 incomes and 1 lot of childcare..she would have had 1 income and

assume dc only just at school if 5 ....lots of places don't have after school clubs at the moment...anfmd chil.

You sound quite smug and sneery about her....that probably shows

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 05/10/2020 13:49

If she gets a job, will your partner be paying towards the childcare costs? Or will she be shouldering that burden alone?
Maybe she doesnt work because she couldnt afford full time childcare or afterschool care?

Other than that little comment from you, I agree that you're not over the top at all and you're not spoiling her.

funinthesun19 · 05/10/2020 13:50

Just goes to show you can’t win as a stepmum.

If you didn’t spoil her daughter and just spoiled your son, I’m sure she’d have something to say about that too....

Original poster

Bailsgd · 05/10/2020 13:51

Thank you everyone you have put my mind at rest

We haven’t taken SC on holiday yet we have been renovating the house so money has been spent on that we plan on taking the kids to Disneyland Paris when we know more about the Covid situation and maybe when my son is older we will go to Disney world but I still don’t see that as spoiling one big holiday a year.

I do think it’s just jealousy she has stoped contact a few times over things eg when we got engaged and when she found out about the pregnancy but we took it as her not coping with the news

The things we do cost pennies they don’t getExpensive clothes or toys we spend time with them we want to bring up the kids knowing if you work hard you can play hard. I totally understand that it is easier for us to say that with two incomes but time costs nothing

I think she just said it at the wrong time and I took it to heart.

OP posts:

Balloondog · 05/10/2020 13:59

If it's a reasonably unusual outburst, could it be down to Covid stress and the pressures of entertaining a 5 year old single handedly most of the time got the last 6 months? In which case, if you're financially able could you send a cake mix or craft kit home with SC now and again so they can share an activity with Mum sometimes too?

MJMG2015 · 05/10/2020 14:00

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all.

However, I do think non resident parents need to consider the greater restrictions resident parents have re before:after school:holidays/illness etc. & do 'their bit' to enable the resident parent to work full time IF they wish to.

It doesn't hurt to remember that when she got pregnant with SD, THEY planned to raise this child together, she didn't set out to be a single parent.

Original poster

Bailsgd · 05/10/2020 14:05

@WhereverIGoddamnLike
My partners parents SC grandparents have offered to take her to school and have her after they live round the corner and would be over the moon with this.

@averythinline no child care costs for her SC would be happily taken to school and looked after by her grandparents they have offered so many times. She has never worked I think she did try collage but not 100% sure

OP posts:

MeridianB · 05/10/2020 14:25

@Balloondog

This is a lovely idea if the mother was working and struggling financially even with maintenance. But that’s not he case here. The mother chooses not to work.

And the things OP has described are about time. So if she doesn’t work, then it is hard to see how she doesn’t have time to go to the park or bake fairy cakes or play a board game etc.

Original poster

Bailsgd · 05/10/2020 14:40

@MeridianB
When SC started school 2 weeks in she was sent home with Covid symptoms (thanks fully she didn’t have it and was fine) for the two weeks intact was stoped due to them self isolating totally understand we put together a little care package for her things like new pjs cake kit and some colouring books.
We were told off for that she didn’t have time For this SC told us the box had been put in the bin of course she is five so everything is taken with a pinch of salt but she said she didn’t see anything from us

OP posts:

jessstan1 · 05/10/2020 14:42

Ignore.

It sounds like you do normal, family activities and not expensive ones either.

Maybe the girl's mum is really hard up though. I can remember when I was, years ago, and even simple things were very difficult.

You're doing fine with your step child but do be sensitive about her mum.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 05/10/2020 14:47

She may just not like you at all and anything you do is going to be met with resistant. Although if their daughter is only 5 and you now have a child old enough to bake with you etc then it doesnt seem like your partner let the grass grow in between leaving her with a baby and having a new child. My guess is she is very bitter about it all and simply having you around is the problem. Whether you just play a board game or take the kid on holiday, she will complain about it.

Rise above it, dont go on about her not working (how many threads on here are there where the OP is told not to rely on grandparents for childcare) and keep including her in your family time. When the child is with dad, its dad's choice what they do. She doesnt really get a say.

VintageStitchers · 05/10/2020 14:54

Were you the OW?

I think that would make a massive difference in the way she thinks of you and your relationship with her daughter.

Original poster

Bailsgd · 05/10/2020 14:57

@WhereverIGoddamnLike
I have been told by others that she has said many times she hates me I’ve done nothing to her just be around is bad enough

Without going to far into detail she was cheating on my partner they split up and 7 months later he was told she was pregnant and she thinks it’s his But of a shock as we met a month before.

Our son is almost 2 so when I say he bakes it’s more like he likes to stick his hands in the batter and make a big mess

OP posts:

Original poster

Bailsgd · 05/10/2020 14:59

@VintageStitchers
Nope we met 6 months after they split up she was cheating so they split up

OP posts:

Oly4 · 05/10/2020 15:01

Ignore her. And if there is a problem, let DH tell her where to go.
You sound absolutely lovely and how exciting you’re taking them to Disneyland

Patbutcherismyhero · 05/10/2020 15:03

Ignore. She sounds jealous that you're making more of an effort than she is. Doing what you're doing isn't expensive but it requires time and effort. If the mother can't be arsed that's her problem. Utterly pathetic to complain. Would she rather you ignore the child or put her in front of a tv all weekend?

My ds stepmom is much more into baking and crafting than I am and I'm quite grateful that he has the chance to do this stuff with someone who actually enjoys it!

Sounds like the mother is bitter and insecure and will find any excuse to moan about you.

excelledyourself · 05/10/2020 15:14

None of your timescales match your other thread.

Yes, the ex sounds bitter, but you're not being honest here and that makes me wonder if she has good reason.

Original poster

Bailsgd · 05/10/2020 15:20

@excelledyourself
My first thread was for my cousin she was having a bad time and I said I would ask for her on here that has come to a head now and the child was removed and is living with them now

This one is just about my so situation

I do find it interesting how two different women have acted in nasty ways

OP posts:

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