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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Told to stop spoiling step child

36 replies

Bailsgd · 05/10/2020 12:08

Yesterday my partner was told by SC mum that I’m spoiling her. I had no idea I was.

So our family set up myself and my partner work full time our son goes to Nursery when we are working so the weekends are family time we bake cakes we go for Picnics in the park trips out to the seaside we used to meet up with friends and family too but that’s out the window for now.

My partner has his daughter every other weekend and when she is here she just fits in with us she joins in withy he baking and loves running around playing with her step brother.
Don’t get me wrong if she miss behaves her dad will do the parenting and she gets told off or whatever but I don’t understand how I’ve spoilt her it’s stuff I do with with my child At a weekend anyway it’s not like we go over the top when SC is here nothing really changes for us just add an extra person.

Her mum says it’s not Fair on her because she can’t afford or doesn’t have the time to do these things with her so her dad looks like the better parent and he’s just doing it to show off because he has money.

Part of me wants to say to her I’m sorry we work hard to earn money and maybe if she got a job she would have the money but I know that’s very petty and I will keep my mouth shut.

SC is only 5 so I see nothing wrong with baking cakes and going to the seaside please tell me if I’m wrong.

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 05/10/2020 15:25

She's probably pissed off that your sc is having a fun time with you. Children have a tendency to go home and enthuse.
I remember feeling annoyed when my first exH took my son to all of the expensive theme parks and on holidays that I could never afford to do and then have him come home enthusing about it. It made me livid inside because he didn't pay any maintenance ever and didn't do any real parenting.
I think all you can do is leave this to your partner to sort out and just stay in the background.

SpaceOP · 05/10/2020 15:29

I know that if DH was able to do lovely things with my DC if we were divorced, I'd find that hard. But nonetheless, it would be irrelevant because at the end of the day, when the DC are with a specific parent, that parent gets to decide what's happening. So you need to ignore her.

Also, note that her job or lack thereof is irrelevant. Doesn't matter. She doesn't get to tell your DH how to parent and you and he don't get to tell her how to parent.

RedMarauder · 05/10/2020 15:46

Ignore her and make sure you have no contact with her. All contact goes through your DP.

Then carry on treating their child the same way you treat your son. You could end up having a half-sibling of both of them so it's important you treat them all the same as much as possible.

Anotheruser02 · 05/10/2020 15:55

I don't think you need strangers on the internet to tell you that wholesome practically free activities like baking and picnics are not spoiling a child. It's a shame for you no one latched on to the fact she doesn't have a job to kick her harder with you.

Enjoy feeling better than her.

StrawberryWhatsUp · 05/10/2020 16:00

YANBU. Just ignore it.

She's either jealous or too lazy to do any of the stuff you're doing (trips to the park are free?).

VintageStitchers · 05/10/2020 16:07

Hi OP,

As she was the cheating partner then I imagine that she puts her own needs first so in which case, I’d ignore her.

RainbowReader · 05/10/2020 17:44

Part of me wants to say to her I’m sorry we work hard to earn money and maybe if she got a job she would have the money

Well she's welcome to go and get one then isn't she, just like most parents do and make it work.

Anuta77 · 05/10/2020 18:30

She's certainly jealous. I think most mothers would feel bad if their child enjoyed time with the new woman of their ex. Although if she cheated, she's partially responsible for it.
It could be that she's doing things with her, but many people (and children) just find it more fun when there are more people. I did a lot of activities with my son as a single mother when he was young, but he still found it more fun at other children's houses and was never happy to go back home. And it hurts.
Having said this, it's not your problem.

Anotheruser02 · 05/10/2020 19:02

I don't get what her cheating has to do with it, she wasn't happy with him or she wouldn't have cheated on him. If she hadn't cheated she would not be with him now would she? or she would be with someone who didn't even make her happy over five years ago before they even had the pressure of a child together.
There was no child that she knew of when she was cheating on her partner if I'm reading the timeline right.

At what point does someone stop being an awful person who's upset doesn't count for anything because they cheated on someone years ago? I know that five years into being a single parent I wasn't the same person that I was when my child was conceived.

The woman's whole life will have changed since the awful crime she commited of cheating on the OP's DP, she will probably be carrying worries you won't understand because you don't have to share your child with another family who seem more fun in a busy household with another child for her to play with.

RedMarauder · 05/10/2020 19:31

@Anotheruser02 you sound as immature as the mother the OP is talking about on this thread. This isn't about her feelings it is about her not putting her child's well-being first. She should be glad that when her son visits his dad he is being taken care off.

SandyY2K · 06/10/2020 00:46

Almost every time a poster as if the OP was the OW...the answer is always NO...but also in a lot of cases that the Ex was the one who cheated.

Anyway....baking and the other activities are fun things to do and kids love them. It's not spoiling, but her DD obviously talks about what a lovely time she has and that's the issue.

If she was playing in a cardboard box and having fun....it would still annoy her.

Your house, clearly is the place she has fun.

With the care package...I'd say the colouring book and the other thing were fine...I wouldn't have added the PJs...if you were really looking at things to occupy her while isolating.

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