Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Boys to share a room or not to share

48 replies

WhatToDoHmmm · 30/09/2020 14:43

I mostly need a rant tbh.

My partner and I have planned to move in together. I have a 6 year old boy and he also has a 6 year old boy who will be staying with us 3 nights every 2 weeks.

I have a 2 bed flat which has an extra room off the kitchen. When we have an occasional sleep over now his son stays on a sofa bed in this room, however I was informed I cannot use this room as a bedroom due to it being a fire risk.

At the present moment we mostly use this room as a play room ( there is not enough room in my sons room for toys).

This is where the big problems have started with us all becoming a proper blended family.

It was originally agreed between us that the extra room would be made into his sons room/kept as a playroom.

Since then circumstances have changed, I now home school my son and my partner only used to have his son 2 night every 2 weeks. My work shifts have also changed from week work to weekend work. And with having both boys around and me working till 2/3pm on the weekend I won't be able to cram any studying in during the day like I used to.

I'm also a part time OU student.

Because of all of these changes, I have expressed that I feel the boys should share a room and the extra room should be used for a home school area/play room/quiet place for me to study, at the moment I have a desk in the hallway for mine and my sons work.
As I will be studying most evenings and the hallway is right outside my sons bedroom door, this is not ideal let alone being crammed.

My partner isn't happy with the boys sharing a room at all but I'm not really sure how else to advocate for everyone. Of course me and my son are here pretty much 24/7.

Any advice or opinions would be great, if I'm being over irrational and emotional please let me know, in a nice way :).

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NandosPeriometer · 30/09/2020 14:48

I think that you're solution is fair and if your partner doesn't like it then he needs to find a 3 bed property. He is a cf

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2020 14:59

I'm surprised he's pushing for his son to have that room given it's been deemed a fire hazard. I think your idea is the most sensible scenario.

excelledyourself · 30/09/2020 15:04

I don't mean this to sound rude, but you're not really moving in together, are you? He's moving in with you, and trying to call the shots already.

I'd be having a rethink.

MeridianB · 30/09/2020 15:18

From everything you have said, it makes sense for the boys to share a room.

What is your partner’s concern or objection about it?

Or you can wait and get a bigger place together when that’s affordable.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 30/09/2020 15:21

What's your partner's issue with his son sharing a room?

Beware Disney parenting which will become much more apparent when your partner turns from house guest into household member with his feet properly under the table.

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 30/09/2020 15:28

His main objection is that both boys have their bed time routine.
He believes if they're in the same room he won't be able to lay in bed and have story time with his son and he doesn't think they will go to sleep nicely if they're together.

He also worried about how his son will feel about not having his own room anymore as that was the original plan.

To me it all sounds like excuses and that he's not ready for the challenge of moving in with someone

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 30/09/2020 15:31

'Disney parenting' yes I'm starting to feel it will be a lot like that.

OP posts:

Tiredoftattler · 30/09/2020 15:39

Maybe ,if there is not enough room for toys in your son's bedroom , your partner thinks that there is not enough room for the 2 boys to share the room. That does not seem like an unreasonable thought.

Maybe , you 2 might consider postponing the move in until such time as you can afford a 3 bedroom apartment particularly if his son has his on bedroom/ sleeping space in their current living situation.

If your relationship has progressed well without living together, you may just need to maintain the status quo until you can find a living arrangement that meets the needs/preference of both parties. It does not sound as though your existing space can be reconfigured in any satisfactory manner. It may be that his son has indicated that he does not wish to share a room .
Why should any of you have to be made uncomfortable in making an elective move when you can wait until you can find more suitable accommodations?

excelledyourself · 30/09/2020 15:41

Well when you choose to blend a family, you need to set new routines. Of that means he he has enforce some rules at bedtime, then welcome to parenting.

Having said that, do the boys get on? Will your son be happy sharing his room? That's quite a change in living set up. Not that I'm suggesting the other room is used.

How long have you been together? What's your current housing situation? Owned? Rented? Private or social?

Anuta77 · 30/09/2020 15:52

Why can't he has a story with both kids? I did that with my son and my DP's daughter even if they slept in different rooms. It was a nice moment for the kids. I don't think this one is a good reason, but I agree that kids could be fighting or playing instead of sleeping and this will cause a lot of stress.
I agree that there's no need to hurry to move in together (you realise that once you live together and look back and see that living separately was actually nice).

MyCatHatesEverybody · 30/09/2020 15:53

I'd be worried that your DP purposely wants to exclude your son from the bedtime story. There's plenty of other time during the day when he can have 1-2-1 time with his son. If he doesn't think both boys would get on well enough to enjoy such things together and being part of a family unit then he's being utterly selfish to consider moving in with you at all.

dontdisturbmenow · 30/09/2020 16:01

It really depends. If his son goes to sleep well with a routine, but your son goes to sleep later and or is more agitated, likely to disturb his don I can u derstand him not being keen on them sharing.

Why aren't you looking at moving together somewhere new?

AlwaysLatte · 30/09/2020 16:08

If it's a fire risk you can't use it as a bedroom so that argument is out, surely? How well do the boys get on? I'd say bunk beds or cabin beds with their own space underneath, and downstairs study/school room.

Tiredoftattler · 30/09/2020 16:14

Being cognizant of your preferences in parenting activities and attentive to your child's comfort does not make you a Disney dad.

It is difficult enough to manage issues that arise from situations over which you have little or no control. Why not wait until you can find or afford a 3 bedroom apartment?
Moving in together will probably require some adjustments on the part of both boys, your partner is being cautious in trying to minimize any changes in patterns for his son. The impact of this change on both children should be something that both of you as parents should consider. Living apart for a while longer should not alter the feelings that you and your partner share .

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 30/09/2020 16:18

@tiredoftattler

Yes he may feel with both boys sleeping in one room may not quite be big enough.

He has his own bed room at his dad's, however he does not sleep in it(he sleeps in his dads bed) , his room is used for toys and his duvet is at my place.

I have also suggested we potentially wait till we can afford a bigger place.

The idea was he moves into my place so money could be saved for a bigger place in a few years.

@excelledyourself

My son has said he is happy about sharing a room and would love bunk beds, I'm not sure about his son.

We've been together for 2.5 years and I rent socially.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts.

The boys get on pretty well and of course my partner and his boy would have alone time together (every Saturday from 8.30-3ish)

My son has previously been pushed out of story time when they both stay, which I put a stop to.

I appreciate everyone's comments and feel that it'd be best if we lived separately for the time being.

I don't want to feel stressed about moving in with someone but excited and prepared

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 30/09/2020 16:22

@tiredoftattler

My main point to move in together was because we were ready as a couple and the children get on well. The older they get the harder and longer it will be/take for both boys to adjust, psychologically speaking.

OP posts:

excelledyourself · 30/09/2020 16:22

Do you and your son never stay at his?

Azerothi · 30/09/2020 16:29

To be honest you are asking for trouble with your boyfriend moving in. You haven't known him long. What's the rush? It will end in tears for all of you (except your boyfriend) if you go ahead with this in your flat.

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 30/09/2020 16:29

@Excelledyourself

No we don't stay at his, I wasn't ever invited to his, we actually broke up over it last year. We've stayed once since. The last couple of months he has my son on a Sunday and will take him to his place of a Sunday when he also has his son

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 30/09/2020 16:30

Should I say we were never invited over

OP posts:

Anoisagusaris · 30/09/2020 16:32

If you aren’t allowed use that extra room as a bedroom, then surely the option of it being his son’s bedroom is no longer available and the boys wlll have to share?

Glinnerisgreat · 30/09/2020 16:35

OH, OP, there are so many red flags in your post I feel like we're in Russia.

Please do not move in with him - you broke up over not being invited to his place - why did you get back together? Where is your son's dad - does he ever stay with him? I think you need to work on your self esteem and spend time on your own with your young son to get your head clear.

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 30/09/2020 16:36

@Azerothi

Why do you think that?

OP posts:

Tempusfudgeit · 30/09/2020 16:39

I see lots of red flags too. Keep your separate houses for the sake of continuity for the boys and peace for yourselves. It shouldn't be this difficult.

excelledyourself · 30/09/2020 16:45

Did you do all the drudge work when they stayed?

Flip

1 2