Boys to share a room or not to share

[WhatToDoHmmm]

I mostly need a rant tbh.

My partner and I have planned to move in together. I have a 6 year old boy and he also has a 6 year old boy who will be staying with us 3 nights every 2 weeks.

I have a 2 bed flat which has an extra room off the kitchen. When we have an occasional sleep over now his son stays on a sofa bed in this room, however I was informed I cannot use this room as a bedroom due to it being a fire risk.

At the present moment we mostly use this room as a play room ( there is not enough room in my sons room for toys).

This is where the big problems have started with us all becoming a proper blended family.

It was originally agreed between us that the extra room would be made into his sons room/kept as a playroom.

Since then circumstances have changed, I now home school my son and my partner only used to have his son 2 night every 2 weeks. My work shifts have also changed from week work to weekend work. And with having both boys around and me working till 2/3pm on the weekend I won't be able to cram any studying in during the day like I used to.

I'm also a part time OU student.

Because of all of these changes, I have expressed that I feel the boys should share a room and the extra room should be used for a home school area/play room/quiet place for me to study, at the moment I have a desk in the hallway for mine and my sons work.
As I will be studying most evenings and the hallway is right outside my sons bedroom door, this is not ideal let alone being crammed.

My partner isn't happy with the boys sharing a room at all but I'm not really sure how else to advocate for everyone. Of course me and my son are here pretty much 24/7.

Any advice or opinions would be great, if I'm being over irrational and emotional please let me know, in a nice way :).

Suggest to him that he arranges some larger accommodation before you commit to living with him.

Sounds as if you're being set up as an unpaid nanny for his son.

Don't commit to anything yet. You're in social housing. Do not give that up until your are 100% sure.

You'd be in breach of your tenancy to even use that room as a bedroom, surely?

The fact that he has been reluctant to have you stay over at his home may be indicative of his not being ready to share a living arrangement.
Not all couples live together and not all who in a relationship view living together as a necessary or desirable next step.

The problem may be that he is not really committed to this next step. The room situation may just be a way to put the brakes on moving in together.

After reading everyone's responses it's become clear that there are a lot of issue in our relationship that need to be dealt with before we can even consider moving forward (of that's what we choose)

Or maybe we are not suited to each other.

A lot of this was always in the back of my mind but my judgement was clouded or I just let it slide. Possibly due to a lack of being able to speak up for myself a majority of the time. I now also feel I have some self work to do before I consider living with someone.

Does your DP contribute financially for the times he stays with you? Or at least pull his weight in terms of shopping, cooking, dinners, clearing up after everyone etc?

What reason did he give for not wanting you over at his?

Definitely worth a big step back.

What was his reason for not inviting you to his place?

The bedtime story for one child rather than both is really peculiar, especially because they are the same gender and age - what did he have to say about it?

It sounds like there are some big differences in expectations and outlook which need at least airing and understanding.

He's never contributed financially, used to buy take away for us when he was eating here (every other Saturday evening) but then I found it too much so started cooking for all of us.

Same with the general mess situation after we'd all been together at mine, he didn't untill I asked him.

He never cleared the kitchen after, up untill I asked him.

His reasons for not having us at his, is that it was 'easier' for him to come to mine (as I don't drive).

Then when I asked again he said he was ashamed of the way he lived (referring to mess)

I said I didn't mind and would even help him tidy if he wanted me too.

@MeridianB.
The whole bedtime story thing was fine for months until his son one day said he didn't want my son in the room having a story with them so his dad just went with it and never done a story with all of us again.

I said he had to at least do one story with all 4 of us from now on to make it fair and not push my boy out but then my boy wasn't interested and just wanted to go to bed, understandably (last weekend).

HUGE red flags (although I dont think the bedroom sharing idea is a good one, tbh). Suggest he does not move in (why would you move a messy bloke into your house?). See how you go after another year and, if you still want to move in together get a new 3 bed place.

But first see if you can get him to pull his weight at your house.

So he drove you to the point of splitting up rather than tidy up his place? Doesn't contribute towards your extra costs of having him over? Needs micro managing to clean up after himself? DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN. You exist to make his life easier and the inequality between the way he (and by extension, his son) will behave in your home compared with you and your DS will have you seething with resentment in no time. Then you'll have to find the strength to kick both him and his son out. DON'T DO IT!!

I am not certain why people are asking if the OP's partner contributes financially to her household. She says that they only have the occasional sleepover and he was bringing in take out food on those occasions until she objected.
In an typical relationship when 2 people maintain their separate households, why would either be expected to contribute financially to the other?

If the OP only sees the son an occasional weekend when the boyfriend is there, how is anyone being taken advantage of in this situation? It also seems that the bf sometimes takes the OP's son out on the occasional Saturday.

This just seems to be a case of 2 people moving a bit too fast. It does not seem to be a situation where anyone is being taken advantage of or trying to use the other.

I admit that I do find it troubling when there is a suggestion that a man should be contributing financially to a household in which he does not live. Rarely would we ask if the woman is contributing financially to the man's household if she were not living in that house.

I don’t see all these red flags which people are mentioning. Mumsnet loves a drama. As I understand it, he has a preference for the boys having separate rooms whilst you would like them to share. He contributes to chores in the home and he has brought food when you were together. He spends time with both boys. I think your suggestion of them sharing sounds reasonable and you and DP should negotiate a suitable bed time routine. He sounds like a good father who is advocating for his son

@tiredoftattler

I think the point of the financial aspect was that if I'm providing food regularly to my partner and/or his son, this all adds up not just 2 or 3 pounds but 40/50 pounds a month or so.

Therefore if my partner didn't contribute it could seem like he was using me to put food on the table.

If it was the other way round and I went to his house and ate his food regularly / let him feed my child and never gave back/ return the favour then yes, I'd look like I was using him.

It's not really gender specific, or about the money as such it's more about respect

@Tiredoftattler I read it as the son only has the occasional sleepover, especially as the word “sleepover” is usually used in relation to children not adults. I might be wrong but I didn’t interpret it as OP planning to live with her DP having barely spent any nights with him so far?

Cross posted.

A good father wouldn’t be having his son to stay in a flat so messy he won’t let his partner come visit. How hard is it to keep a house tidy when it’s mainly only just you living there?

OP I agree it’s about respect. I think you need to establish some boundaries and ground rules before you consider living together.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

I think the whole boundaries thing is the issue, I've set the important ones for us, we've discussed them (which at the time he felt like it was either they get followed or we break up). He had no boundaries / expectations to add to mine.

To me they are simple things to keep a routine, healthy and respectful children.

However these boundaries are not always followed and I honestly think it's because to him they don't matter.

To: WhatToDo Hmmm:
Does your bf not take you out to dinner or out for an evening? Does he not ever spend the equivalent of the meals that you provide in entertainment for the 2 of you?

What kind of dating relationship have the 2 of you had.? Maybe you really need to do some of the simple casual things that adults do before they move into blending families.
Dating is just not something for teenagers and it involves more than just sex. It is a time to get to know someone in all the facets of their personality . Do you enjoy each other' company? Do you share both silly and significant things? Are your financial goals compatible?

Having adult sleepovers is not the same as dating. You may be attempting to move to step 3 without ever having experienced the joys and pleasures of step 2.

Tiredoftattler
Thank you, all good things for me to think about.

No we don't do any of the dating stuff! We've been trying to work on that the last few weeks, he was content with how we were I wasn't.

OP I'd give it at least another year before trying to move in together. Have a good look at his behaviour and don't rush into anything.

OP, from reading all of your updates I think it would be best for you and your son to let this relationship go and work on your own boundaries and self esteem. Then, when you are ready, you can meet a man who will respect you.

The whole bedtime story thing was fine for months until his son one day said he didn't want my son in the room having a story with them so his dad just went with it and never done a story with all of us again.

So he's unable to explain to his son that he needs to share bedrooms, stories, etc but happy to let his son sleep in a room that is a fire hazard as it is the easy way out. Then he is shit parent.

No we don't do any of the dating stuff! We've been trying to work on that the last few weeks, he was content with how we were I wasn't.

And he's a shit boyfriend as he is unable to sort out to spend time with you alone. I appreciate it is harder since Covid, but if your sons were use to spending some time together then he or you could find a baby sitter to look after them both while you go out.

As your bf seem not bothered to parent properly and date you properly you need to split up.

When you go out with someone again check their parenting style matches yours regardless of whether they have kids or not, and if it doesn't don't go further with the relationship.

Unless there’s a strong personality clash, I imagine that 2 six year olds would love sharing a room! It sounds like it’s your partner that has a problem with it, rather than the boys.