Grrrrrr / AIBU

[brownbearss]

So i have a daughter, 8, boyfriend has a son 12.
I know this is new for everyone (as in blending families etc, not relationship wise, we've been together 2 yrs) but things are really starting to grate on me!!

Bf is always so quick to blame my lo, for example, few weeks back they were playing and it ended in tears, we both didn't see what happened so i took the approach of well you're both to blame and don't do it again. He took the approach of ds told him my dd hurt him. ?! Like how, you didn't see what happened. Even if she did (not saying thats ok btw) but its more a case of, we didn't see so how could we possibly take sides, and we shouldn't even be taking sides in my eyes!

Anyway this morn we were upstairs, they were down there and we heard them playing both laughing etc, then all of a sudden him saying "stop it now its annoying"

So my bf said oh here we go again, then proceeded to say how it was my lo's fault for annoying him.

For context, she was asleep by 9pm, which is later than usual but we let her as were watching a film. He was up until 4am (which i know as i went loo) gaming! Then the playing in morn was at 9am.

So i replied with, oh it couldn't possibly be that he is grumpy due to no sleep from gaming all night then?! Because i was just so sick of him always blaming her.

AIBU?

I tooootally get that its natural to side with your child, which is why i always take the approach of unless we saw what happened theres no 1 sided blame. As im very aware of feelings, and i dont want either child to feel they are being unfairly treated.

Also as a side note, we are buying a house, dd will be with us 100% of the time (dad not involved) and my bfs son every other weekend. She will be getting the bigger room as it makes sense, but he is def doing the guilt trip thing of "he will kick off" and "hes going to moan as hes older" etc. Its just irritating me!!!!

dont move in together - it will only get worse for your DD if you do

Protect your DD.
Dump your partner he will drive her away. After he had eroded her self worth and emotionally abused her.

Oh god thats a bit harsh.

This isnt a question of should i stay with him - FYI

Well you should be thinking about it because it will only get worse unless you deal with it now

But thats exactly why im posting on here..... because im thinking about it?!

Do you want her to live with someone who never gives her the benefit of the doubt and always assumes an 8 year old is picking on a 12 year old?

He’s not being fair and he’s not treating her kindly. “Here we go again”? And a 12 year old staying up gaming till 4am? Guilt tripping you about the resident child having a bigger room than the one there 4 days a month? I’m assuming those are the headlines and there’s more going on. Why does he want to live with a child he finds so irritating? Why do you want to bring someone so critical and childish into your young daughter’s life?

You’ve asked for feedback, you’re getting it. YANBU about his behaviour. YABVU to move in with him. You know your daughter will suffer from endless competition with the golden boy and the inevitable Disneying that’s already on show. 4am ffs. It’s already ridiculous and you’re not even cohabiting yet.

He maybe hasn’t realised that he is doing this and that his child who can do no wrong can indeed actually do wrong and even tell lies and point the blame at others, like we all can.

Is the mum dead strict or blamey of the boy and the dad is trying to go the opposite way to make up for it (it doesn’t work btw).

Perhaps the dad blames himself for their separation and is gutted for his son and blames himself for ruining his little life (my pal does this, it’s nonsense but they can’t see that a they are in the midst of their own guilt).

I think you need to speak with him about how he thinks his son is coping, the child’s mother’s parenting style, children and what they do and about resolving family conflict.

My dad always used to say ‘what did you do’ to me. It was always my fault. My mum had to have a word and say just coz another child is crying doesn’t mean it was E’s fault. It was very upsetting as I just couldn’t understand why it was always my fault. I felt betrayed by my own dad as much if the time it really wasn’t my fault. Thank god my mum was watching and saw my pals bad behaviour and could stand up for me as I was trying to play nicely. It happened a lot until I fell out with her and found nicer pals.

You have to look past tears and tantrums and look for facts or evidence before making decisions. If there’s none both could be told to pack it in and behave.

If you can’t get this resolved now it could destroy your child like it did me. I know you don’t want to hear that but you sound like a good, thoughtful, insightful mum and want the best for your child. He wants the best for his son but seemingly at your daughters expense. It could be too high a price to pay.

If you go through the house purchase then things will get worse imo. You're the only one who can protect your dd from 6 more years of this.

@Elieza So from what i see of the mother, (and this really is not me trying to criticise at all as i cannot understand the pressure of having 3 kids) it does seem that he has complete free reign at home, there are no rules in place, gets to do what he wants, also as the other 2 are younger he seems to be a bit palmed off on others which is why i really try to make him feel included as much as poss.

Tbh this is actually me highlighting the worst points, and reading it like that it doesnt sound great, but i would never let my feelings for a man blindside me enough not to be able to put the wellbeing of my daughter first. He has a lovely relationship with her and is always very thoughtful and speaks to her in a really loving and respectful way, also i didnt mention but when i hear the blame element he only voices that to me, would never in front of her! That would most def be a diff story, as like you say, that would be awful for a child to hear. :-(

To be honest i think thats actually a great point about the guilt, and something to consider. The break up with his mum then a long term gf after her does make my bf feel bad i do see that. So it makes sense, think thats a good way of opening the communication lines...

Thank you :)

Do not move in with this man, your daughter deserves better. Speaking about your DD like that is a huge red flag, please don't ignore this.

Aside from protecting your daughter from this man, which it doesn't like you want to do, you need to think about if your boyfriend's son comes to live with you permanently. It does and has happened.

Your partner lets his 12 year old play games till 4am, but of course there are no rules at mums house.

Ime your dp will never fully parent his ds as he is happy having him as his 'mate' and being the cool no rule df...
He won't ever tell him off or believe he is anything but perfect..meanwhile your dd will start to resent you for making her behave /follow rules /be a decent dc while Damien rules the roost..
Ltb before you lose your dd's respect.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Do you want her to live with someone who never gives her the benefit of the doubt and always assumes an 8 year old is picking on a 12 year old?

He’s not being fair and he’s not treating her kindly. “Here we go again”? And a 12 year old staying up gaming till 4am? Guilt tripping you about the resident child having a bigger room than the one there 4 days a month? I’m assuming those are the headlines and there’s more going on. Why does he want to live with a child he finds so irritating? Why do you want to bring someone so critical and childish into your young daughter’s life?

You’ve asked for feedback, you’re getting it. YANBU about his behaviour. YABVU to move in with him. You know your daughter will suffer from endless competition with the golden boy and the inevitable Disneying that’s already on show. 4am ffs. It’s already ridiculous and you’re not even cohabiting yet.

Sorry I agree with this and the other comments completely.

So many red flags here. Slam the brakes on buying a place together and review the whole thing. Otherwise your daughter has the prospect of years of his negative attitude - so sad for her.

Letting a 12yo game until 4am? Any parent who does that is a not someone I’d want to move in with.

How would i initiate this convo? Any ideas. I do obviously want to talk about it and get an understanding about how it will be when we live together and potentially raise any issues now before hand

Start with im not sure buying a house together is in our children's best interests

Start with, you've been trying to learn more about challenges with blended families and have a chat about a couple of things.

Tbh I think it's a good opportunity to address these issues now.

Treating the kids fairly
Discipline (is he allowed to discipline DD?)
Finances

These links may be helpful. It's good to know what you're getting into.

www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/blended-family-issues

www.verywellfamily.com/biggest-problems-blended-families-face-4150230

www.google.com/amp/s/www.supernanny.co.uk/AMP/Advice/-/Family-Matters/-/Relationships/Blended-Families-.aspx

You've only been together 2 years and already he's got his feet under your table and picking on your daughter.
His parenting style is hardly a responsible one - and yet he's trying to call the shots on how your DD is 'parented'.

He's already started with the passive aggressive comments and treating your DD like 'other......that will ramp up once you buy a house as he will feel he has more legal/moral rights there.
He will carry on as he is re his son - and it will get worse as his son gets older.

You need to have a serious chat with him to resolve this before you buy a house together.

IMO she gets the bigger room as there 100% of the time and him only a few day’s a month.

As for the arguing and fighting, it’s bound to happen but at 12 he should be able to remove himself if she’s annoying him and not cause a scene about it.

Sounds like your DP needs to get a bit tougher with his son and stop pandering to everything be wants. He’s 12, not a baby now and needs to learn a little about how things work. If his son kicks off he simply explains why it is that way, instead of insiitng he has the bigger room which will be largely unoccupied for the month

Everyone is assuming that he is being unfair, but could it be that you DD is indeed doing the things you SS is accusing her?

What if she did kick him, should that be ignored? What if she keeps annoying him?

I don't think the issue is a matter of taking side but one of resolving the issues.
.I would get both kids together and not let them free until the situations are clarified and the matter resolved accordingly.

I think if you don't have a conversation now it will become very toxic for your DD. He may not realise he is doing it as everyone has an automatic instinct to believe/protect their DC. If I was you, I would discuss some house rules and behaviour you expect from both DC. Just say you feel that he automatically blames your DD without any evidence. Depending on his response would inform how I proceed. So if he said that is because your DD misbehaved that would end house buying for me.

@dontdisturbmenow

Everyone is assuming that he is being unfair, but could it be that you DD is indeed doing the things you SS is accusing her?

What if she did kick him, should that be ignored? What if she keeps annoying him?

I don't think the issue is a matter of taking side but one of resolving the issues.
.I would get both kids together and not let them free until the situations are clarified and the matter resolved accordingly.

honestly? He was blaming her before he even saw what had happened that is a big red flag for me you don't just assume one child is in the wrong 100% without either seeing the issue or actually speaking to the children involved

“....how it will be when we live together....”
It will be like this, only worse.
And it will seriously emotionally harm your daughter.

I agree with people saying that there are lots of red flags here, but at the same time if you talk to your partner you may find you can sort things out. His son is only with you a couple of days each month, after all.

So, this should definitely mean your daughter gets the biggest bedroom in the new house. She's there all the time, there's no point a big bedroom sitting empty for the majority of the time. Also, if he's only with you 4 days a month, he shouldn't really be spending that much time in his room anyway. Surely your partner wants to spend time with him rather than have him just gaming in his bedroom. Plan a day out perhaps, or watch a film together downstairs?

Your partner needs to sort his son out with regards to gaming etc. My stepson is 17 and is allowed to stay up late in the holidays and at weekends, but if it gets to 1am ish he's told to switch it off (although this is largely because he can't keep quiet and we can't sleep). When he was 12, he would have had a much earlier cutoff.

The more concerning part is that he's automatically blaming your daughter for things that she might not have done (but you also need to be aware that she might).

Is there any chance that you could all sit down as a family and have a proper conversation? About the move, and what it will change, and how you hope that the two of them would be able to get on? I don't think at 8 I'd have wanted to play with a 12yo boy anyway, and we would have been more likely to do our own thing, so make sure she's definitely not just annoying him. An 8yo could become annoying quite quickly to a 12yo, particularly as hormones start kicking in!

Remember that biological siblings fight all the time .. it's your partner's attitude towards it that's the problem here.

PLEASE LEAVE THIS GUY!
HE'LL ABUSE YOUR DAUGHTER. SERIOUSLY!