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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How come we can never switch off? Always have to be available.

32 replies

MumandnotMum · 17/09/2020 17:56

DSC Mother has once again not been available to collect on her day from school and we’ve had to swoop in a rearrange everything, missing half a days wage as one had to collected early with illness.

I’m absolutely fed up of it. I don’t want to tell the school that we don’t want to know because they’ll have to phone social services to collect I guess and that would just absolutely traumatise the kids but fucks sake. How can you just be totally confident that your kids will have to be dealt with by someone else?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

trebletheclef · 17/09/2020 18:04

Quite a lot of feckless parents are actually totally confident that their kids will always be dealt with by the other parent to be honest.

However, I'm actually astonished that you would even have let your thoughts go as far as social services having to collect this poor child basically because neither parent can be arsed. On the other hand, thank God she can have total confidence in you because I doubt her behaviour would be any different even if she didn't.

Giespeace · 17/09/2020 18:22

Has she resurfaced yet? What’s happening with the kids now? If it’s happening very often they must be so unsettled not knowing what’s going on. Should she even have residency if she’s so flakey? There’s very few acceptable reasons not to be there for your kids and none of them don’t involve hospitalisation.
Other than that, kids have two parents and dads should take their fair share of emergency sickness pick ups etc. IMO. Is he leaving it to you to sort though? Is that the “someone else” you mean? Because their dad isn’t someone else, he’s their dad.
Sorry, your OP isn’t very clear so guessing you might have been rage typing? 🤦‍♀️

upsidedownwavylegs · 17/09/2020 18:24

I don’t think most parents do get to totally switch off from the possibility they might have to do something for their kids, tbh.

Original poster

MumandnotMum · 17/09/2020 18:39

As if I’d actually let social services collect them.

I would absolutely never send my child to school though and just say, “oh sorry, I’m not able to collect them today”, when the school phoned me and not make alternative arrangements.

They’re supposed to have 50/50, it is not 50/50. They went to school expecting her to pick them up and were rightfully full of tears when their Dad collected them. We both had to pitch in this time as one needed to go to hospital and the others needed collected from school.

Dad is first emergency contact. They phoned him, he didn’t hear phone as was in job.

Phoned their Mum, she wasn’t able to collect them today sorry. But we’ve phoned Dad, and hasn’t answered. She’s told them to phone me.

They phoned me, at which point I got through to Dad and we’ve arranged things between us so everyone was safe and cared for.

He is permanently on, I am permanently on. She is safe in the knowledge that she doesn’t have to permanently on because we are!

OP posts:

Original poster

MumandnotMum · 17/09/2020 18:47

For all she knows, they could still be in bloody school she’s asked that many questions. Aka none.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/09/2020 18:48

Mum said to the school "I'm not able to collect them today" and it was her day to collect?

Jesus. What a dick move.

Original poster

MumandnotMum · 17/09/2020 18:55

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Quite! That was my thought on the matter.

I’m coming across as some heartless wench it would seem, but I’ve had an absolute fuck full of being painted as the evil stepmother and DH as some kind of absent father when she’s basically projecting her own downfalls and making out like they are someone else’s!

OP posts:

audweb · 17/09/2020 18:58

I don’t know. I’m permanently on because I’m a parent. I have an ex who will occasionally forget to pick our child up. I just have to always be ready. But then if I was still with him that would be the case because you know, parent.

You don’t have to be on permanently though. Your partner does as he is a dad Let them sort this out.

Original poster

MumandnotMum · 17/09/2020 18:59

He is sorting it out. I’m just moaning about it here on the step parent board...

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 17/09/2020 19:16

Personally, I'm a bit surprised you're down as a contact with school. I would have no interest in being contactable by my DSS's school, I don't bear any responsibility for picking him up, ever.

Maybe having so many back up names down is what's making her feel like it's an option to just not show up?

Original poster

MumandnotMum · 17/09/2020 19:21

My son (step kids brother) is in the same school. We all have the same surname so imagine they’ve lumped us all a family.

OP posts:

Notcrackersyet · 17/09/2020 19:26

Poor kids. What age are they?
If it’s as bad as you say maybe your partner could go for primary custody.

SandyY2K · 17/09/2020 19:38

They wouldn't just lump you in as one family because you have the same surname.

You said she told the school to call you... that's why they called you, not because they've assumed you're one family.

thelilachen · 17/09/2020 20:49

There is one thing being "permanently on" when you choose to be or you don't have any other support, be that from another parent or anyone else.

But just opting out of parenting when you feel like it be because you know other people will pick up your slack is unacceptable.

I bet this woman tells everyone what a great "single" parent she is whilst bitching about her ex and partner.

Original poster

MumandnotMum · 17/09/2020 21:21

@SandyY2K no, but DH picks all the kids up from school together so they are well aware they’re siblings and all live together and that I’m connected through my own child.

@thelilachen She does this with bells on. To anyone will listen. How she has no support and she manages everything on her own. She has a live in boyfriend, has an ex who will take responsibility for the kids at any given moment (he’s their Dad, of course he should but he does and does without question). She tells those baby’s that their Dad doesn’t want them and doesn’t care about them. And that I’m not their Mother so I need to stay out of it. Unless they need collecting.

OP posts:

Lovebug06 · 17/09/2020 21:37

[quote MumandnotMum]@SandyY2K no, but DH picks all the kids up from school together so they are well aware they’re siblings and all live together and that I’m connected through my own child.

@thelilachen She does this with bells on. To anyone will listen. How she has no support and she manages everything on her own. She has a live in boyfriend, has an ex who will take responsibility for the kids at any given moment (he’s their Dad, of course he should but he does and does without question). She tells those baby’s that their Dad doesn’t want them and doesn’t care about them. And that I’m not their Mother so I need to stay out of it. Unless they need collecting.[/quote]
She tells those baby’s that their Dad doesn’t want them and doesn’t care about them. And that I’m not their Mother so I need to stay out of it. Unless they need collecting

Op I understand this. I live this too. They live here half the time, and we have them extra and never say no to anything. However she has always refused to help dh, not even once. Also yes, she does make out she is alone with no help and he's a useless dad. i am also told to stay out of it (not that I've ever got involved) and the sdcs told I'm nothing to do with them, and awful things said about me to them, yet when help is wanted it's 'can't lovebug do it?' 'ask lovebug'

The telling the school she isn't coming to just ring you is appalling though!

Lovebug06 · 17/09/2020 21:38

Oops haven't quoted before so I've copied and pasted it too 🤣 ignore that

thelilachen · 17/09/2020 21:44

Been there. Got the t shirt.

I have read all over social media how she brought up her 4 kids alone.

The reality was she opted out of virtually all the drudgery of parenting.

We are expected to do it all but society doesn't recognise it.

Some fathers are absolutely shit but some mothers are too!

CatsFantastic · 17/09/2020 21:52

This is a bit confusing OP- you have a son who goes to this school as well so is a similar age? So who picks him up?

Original poster

MumandnotMum · 17/09/2020 22:19

He’s in half days as only nursery. We obviously have pre arranged childcare for him. My Mum usually. On days they’re with us, they obviously get dropped off as a group. So the school are all well aware that we’re one family.

Sorry, I forget that people don’t automatically see the family dynamics.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 17/09/2020 22:40

Could you not just tell the school you will not be available to pick them up and this isn't an arrangement you have, so not to ring you? They will then naturally put her in the position of having to sort it herself like any other parent who rang up and didn't have a back up.

CatsFantastic · 17/09/2020 22:55

Honestly OP I think you need to stop viewing your step son as not your responsibility, you are a blended family now and keeping rigid separation between your child and your DHs children is not going to contribute to a healthy family dynamic.

As your mum was already on child care duty couldn’t you have asked her to pick him up ? And then collect both children when you/your DH finished work?

It does sound like your step sons mum is flaky but do you want to punish him for that?

excelledyourself · 17/09/2020 23:37

Having read your other threads, why is your DH not pursuing custody?

You mention her allowing violence, abandoning her kids for months, "hating" the kids, and inflicting seemingly relentless emotional abuse and manipulation.

What is your DH actually doing about all of this?

SemperIdem · 17/09/2020 23:41

I feel sorry for those children. That isn’t a snide dig at you, I understand why you’re feeling frustrated. Their mother clearly doesn’t prioritise them and your husband doesn’t either if he is not actively seeking full custody of them.

SemperIdem · 17/09/2020 23:42

@aSofaNearYou gosh you sound like a lovely step mum

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