Parent Alienation

[peonyfairy03]

DH has DD who stays with us EOW and during holidays and tea once or twice a week. I don’t have much to do with the whole situation as DSD mother used the fact I had an abusive childhood against me and often comments that people who were abused as children are abusers themselves and probably did something to deserve it! Yeah not a nice person. She used it in courts as a way of DH not having his DD but court threw it out however she still throws that at him every so often when he doesn’t do as she says or say how high when she says jump.

I’m just getting frustrated that DH very rarely knows what’s going on with his DD. Her mother only contacts if she wants something usually more money or something else. To me she picks and chooses when DH can be part of DH life. During lockdown she wouldn’t let DSD come due to Covid risk but found out she wasn’t sticking to rules. She hasn’t registered DH as the father at school or as next of kin. They were never married but he is on the birth certificate. She fell pregnant after 3 dates after saying she was infertile. They tried to make a go of relationship but didn’t work. They have been split 8 years we have been together 4yrs so I am not OW.

I don’t get involved with DSD I keep my distance and let DH parent but I’m getting frustrated at him not being involved. I guess it’s not my battle and he doesn’t want to rock the boat as she then throws stuff at me.

So very many questions.

Why wasn’t he using condoms if they’d only had 3 dates.
Why hasn’t he contacted the school himself, that’s not her job. He should ask to be on the mailing lists, have parents evening meetings, get school reports.
Why does she know anything about your childhood? None of her business and madness to give her ammunition.
DSD must be at least 12 and he sees her once or twice a week so why doesn’t he know what’s going on in her life from her.

I can see why you’re annoyed. She sounds annoying. But I’m unclear on where the parental alienation is.

She moved her schools without telling him and when he contacted the school they were really funny as they said they had no contact details or name of a father on her forms. DSD has to go to hospital a couple of months back we found out afterwards.

Unfortunately he didn’t think with his head and she was 40 never had children and thought she was infertile.

She found out because she got friendly with my ExH partner who told her. Small town gossip. She had a birthday party she didn’t tell DH or even invite him books holidays away but never says where they are going. DSD is 9 now.

I just think she does lots of things without telling or informing DH.

So has he got the school stuff sorted now? My DH ex moved my DSC’s school without telling him but he’s got his own relationship with the school now, he gets copies of reports, class photos, goes to parents evenings etc.

He should be arranging his own birthday parties or celebrations for his child. We’ve always had separate birthdays, DH and their mum don’t like each other and the DC would find them being together for something like that confusing. They get two parties, two cakes, two sets of gifts. It’s not the ex’s responsibility to invite him to her events.

The hospital thing isn’t great but how long was she in for, was it serious and didn’t DSD tell him herself the next time she was over?

I don’t doubt the ex is difficult and I’m sure there are things she’s not telling him. I’m also a stepmum of many years and it’s not easy. But is there a chance you’re blaming the ex when your husband could be taking a bit more responsibility for his relationship with his child? It sounds like he’s been overly laid back since her conception when he left things up to his now ex and maybe that’s become a pattern.

He’s got a decade or so of coparenting with her ahead of him. He’d better start getting more involved.

Yeah he is sorted regarding the school now So he is included in everything. At the last school he turned up for parents evening to get there and found she had cancelled the appointments. So now they have separate appointments. He found out from his DD regarding hospital she had a infection so kept her in for a couple of nights but thankfully all ok. I get the birthday things and have said to him to arrange things which he used to do but just caused issues or there was some excuse why DSD couldn’t come that weekend. The thing is they get on ok can be in the same room together no fighting . But she can turn at the flick of a switch. I guess I don’t really know what I’m saying however I know he really does try to be part of his DD life and be involved. We have never had her at Christmas despite court order Saying alternative Christmas because when she’s due to be with us there is always an excuse why she can’t come. We do have a lot more years of this I guess we just have to live like it or DH will have to be stronger

If there is a court order and it’s broken then go back to court.

We have been down that route and it’s just enough that she’s not seeing to be breaking it. Valid excuses such as Ill or she’s forgot something that DSD really needs to do but won’t let DH take her as she needs to be there.

If there is a clear document trail it will br obvious that she is breaking the arrangement. Christmas being the obvious example

That has been used and was told you can’t help it if children are ill. There are lots of other things but it all sounds petty and silly kind games but all add up. Often when he goes to pickup they are not there because she’s gone food shopping ect and he will have to travel to where she is to get his DD. If he doesn’t and goes to collect later when back she will often say DD is to tired to come now.

If your SD is about 12 then there is no point going to Court anymore.

If your husband has her during the school holidays then it should be alternated who has her at the beginning of each one that way he would end up with her at Christmas every .other year.

Unfortunately, if he refuses to stand up for himself so he has a proper relationship with his daughter there is nothing you can do.

Also why does his ex know about your abusive childhood? Your husband is not that dear if he is sharing facts about you with other people who are strangers to you.

That has been used and was told you can’t help it if children are ill. There are lots of other things but it all sounds petty and silly kind games but all add up. Often when he goes to pickup they are not there because she’s gone food shopping ect and he will have to travel to where she is to get his DD. If he doesn’t and goes to collect later when back she will often say DD is to tired to come now.

Lots of separated parents use third parties to collect/drop off their kids when they can't do it from school.

So your husband should either use someone else or ensure all the pick ups/drop offs are done using school.

From your descriptions, it seems like your husband's ex is game playing to assert control. Instead of your husband asking other separated parents - some of his friends, colleagues and acquaintances will fall into this category - for advice on how they deal with it he seems happy to leave the status quo then moan when it isn't going his way.

Sorry I think of given the wrong impression he isn’t moaning but her games are very disruptive.

Regarding my past he never said anything she became friends with my ExHs partner children same age and it was my ExH who told her and she just ran with it. My DH reluctantance to stand up to her and it’s very frustrating is that if he does his DD doesn’t come and she then uses the excuse about my childhood that she doesn’t feel comfortable that her DD is around me. She calls me every name going. We have been to court 6 times she plays ball for a bit then goes back to games.

I don't think there is much you can do, peony. However did she find out you have been abused as a child? It would hardly be common knowledge and was dreadful of her to use that as a weapon.

She sounds resentful but there is no reason at all for the woman to resent you; she and your husband accidentally conceived a child at a very early point in a relationship that probably wasn't going anywhere. They did the right thing by trying to make it work but it didn't. Not your fault. He was bound to get together with someone else sooner or later and so will she if she hasn't already..

Just stay out of it, it is for your husband to sort out and eventually it will sort itself out. As long as the little girl is happy when she comes to yours and and her dad's and has a good relationship with her mother, she will be fine. You are right not to 'parent' as such but I'm sure you're friendly to her.

Oh what a mess we humans get ourselves into.

It sounds very frustrating for you. It’s not fun to see your partner messed around like that.
My partner has a no tolerance policy with his ex. Every breach of the court order is logged. Solicitor letters are sent when necessary.
The court is brought into play where needed.
It’s horrible that she used your background against you. A solicitor’s letter for that alone threatening a police complaint, and the following through, is how we would handle that.

Notcrackersyet that’s what I did 2 years ago so she backed off big time but still likes to throw it in the mix every so often. My opinion is she just wanted a child but no partner involved but DH wouldn’t let the happen so she is difficult. DSD has a fab time with us as it’s a family set up and we do things with her mother it’s just them two and they don’t tend do do much at all.

DSD has a fab time with us as it’s a family set up and we do things with her mother it’s just them two and they don’t tend do do much at all

A family set up is whatever a family wants it to be. How dare you suggest a single-parent plus children isn’t a family. You might want to look a bit closer to home for ‘alienation’.

@Enoughnowstop

DSD has a fab time with us as it’s a family set up and we do things with her mother it’s just them two and they don’t tend do do much at all

A family set up is whatever a family wants it to be. How dare you suggest a single-parent plus children isn’t a family. You might want to look a bit closer to home for ‘alienation’.

I completely agree! That comment is outrageous.

I’m so sorry I really didn’t mean to offend anyone and I totally have nothing against single parents I myself was one for many years and I know how hard it is to be a single parent trying to keep children happy.

What I meant was that when she comes to us she has fun and often days she is board at her mums as they’d not do anything and she wishes she had brothers and sisters At her mums then she would have someone to play with. It really wasn’t anything other than that and I'm so sorry for causing offence that really wasn’t my intention at all. I just wanted advice on how to deal with the situation we find our selves in.

Can I ask why you've written on another thread that your first husband died when he actually didn't?

That was the reason you gave for not leaving this guy before. Because the debts your dead husband left mean you can't even afford to rent somewhere on your own.

@excelledyourself

Can I ask why you've written on another thread that your first husband died when he actually didn't?

That was the reason you gave for not leaving this guy before. Because the debts your dead husband left mean you can't even afford to rent somewhere on your own.

How do you know OP isn’t a widow? I can’t see where she’s said here about her 1st husband?

@peonyfairy03

That has been used and was told you can’t help it if children are ill. There are lots of other things but it all sounds petty and silly kind games but all add up. Often when he goes to pickup they are not there because she’s gone food shopping ect and he will have to travel to where she is to get his DD. If he doesn’t and goes to collect later when back she will often say DD is to tired to come now.

That sounds similar to our situation. The mother is supposedly very -exageratedly- friendly to my DP, but there are often reasons, especially why SD (13) can not come. She doesn't even come on vacations anymore, not when she had classes online, never more than EOW (but is asking if our toddler thinks of her!). And based on this forum, I see that it's fairly rare. If you DH, like my DP, just accepts it, the child won't make more efforts to come. It could be that she enjoys spending time with her mother, and even if she has fun with you, but it's not the end of the world if she doesn't come. I think it is our case and I don't really have any advice for you. I stopped trying to plan something nice just because she comes and this way, I don't get dissapointed when I learn, at the last minute, that she's not coming. About the mother, next time she mentions your past, tell her that with these comments she's just showing her level.

DH has DD who stays with us EOW and during holidays and tea once or twice a week

If you have this access then it isn't alienation and that's dramatic to label it as such.

If you have been to court often and a judge ruled she wasn't being unreasonable then I think you have to live with it

I wonder if dsd does feel happier at her mums and therefore uses excuses

Also you have no idea what your Ex h has said about you to the ex. Not sure you can defeat a smear campaign only just ignore it.

Don't get involved and just let your dh handle the situation

So the child is 8 or more? Then your OH needs to take responsibility and find things out from her.

He should be the one contacting mum to ask about things. He can't expect her to constantly update him on what is happening in her life because he can't be bothered to find out himself.

This is definitely not parental alienation, more parental laziness on his behalf.

@Techway

DH has DD who stays with us EOW and during holidays and tea once or twice a week

If you have this access then it isn't alienation and that's dramatic to label it as such.

If you have been to court often and a judge ruled she wasn't being unreasonable then I think you have to live with it

I wonder if dsd does feel happier at her mums and therefore uses excuses

Also you have no idea what your Ex h has said about you to the ex. Not sure you can defeat a smear campaign only just ignore it.

Don't get involved and just let your dh handle the situation

Sorry but I would stongly disagree with your opinion of what alienation is. I doubt you have a proper understanding. My ex had tried to turn my kids against me. Its back fired on her with my eldest as he's now 12 and wised up to what she was trying to do and he now spends most his time at mine.

This isn't alienation. They aren't together so Dad needs to be proactive and contact the school, organize his own birthday celebrations and take her back to court for breaking the CAO. Being passive is why he's in the situation where she feeds him "scraps" that he's supposed to be thankful for. When couples are together one parent (usually mum) organizes that sort of thing and dad can just turn up but he needs to be a parent and do stuff like get the school newsletters from the website or ask his dd about events etc

Saying that I understand why you can't really do anything about the situation. The desire for change and the actions need to come from him. If he's unable to make calls during school hours he should use other ways to contact school like email which will be given on the website.