Parent Alienation

[peonyfairy03]

DH has DD who stays with us EOW and during holidays and tea once or twice a week. I don’t have much to do with the whole situation as DSD mother used the fact I had an abusive childhood against me and often comments that people who were abused as children are abusers themselves and probably did something to deserve it! Yeah not a nice person. She used it in courts as a way of DH not having his DD but court threw it out however she still throws that at him every so often when he doesn’t do as she says or say how high when she says jump.

I’m just getting frustrated that DH very rarely knows what’s going on with his DD. Her mother only contacts if she wants something usually more money or something else. To me she picks and chooses when DH can be part of DH life. During lockdown she wouldn’t let DSD come due to Covid risk but found out she wasn’t sticking to rules. She hasn’t registered DH as the father at school or as next of kin. They were never married but he is on the birth certificate. She fell pregnant after 3 dates after saying she was infertile. They tried to make a go of relationship but didn’t work. They have been split 8 years we have been together 4yrs so I am not OW.

I don’t get involved with DSD I keep my distance and let DH parent but I’m getting frustrated at him not being involved. I guess it’s not my battle and he doesn’t want to rock the boat as she then throws stuff at me.

Thank you everyone who commented constructively. I’m not sure I made myself clear I’m some of my posts hence why some hurtful and very negative comments.

With the school when she changed schools she didn’t put DH details down. DH called school about receiving reports and school letters he had to take proof In that he was in fact the father and had PR. This is all rectified.

When DSD is with us she has a lovely time and DH is very involved with her homework, cooking bike rides and usually playing games. There is only so much you can do from a Friday night to a Sunday tea time. I was in no way having a go at her DM over her care.

The bit we struggle with is every time it is DH time to have DSD he gets a text saying pick up tomorrow I’m going food shopping or DD doesn’t want to come she is asleep had a tiring week a school or she feeling poorly. It appears that only time it goes smoothly is when DH takes DD shopping to get things that her DM has asked to get such as school things new clothes ect then DSD is always happy to come. When DH talks to his DD she always says I didn’t say that mummy said I couldn’t come because you were ill or had to go out. Obviously solicitors have been involved and when questions I never said that ect. DH tried to stand up to her but then she blocks him and goes NC until she wants something. We are going round in circles DSD is now 10 and often says she wishes she could come more and we would have her more but the games are hard work.

Maybe Parent Alienation was the wrong world but my understanding was that it’s is if one parent is trying to turn a child against the other parent or try and make sure the other parent isn’t really involved. I apologise if this was the wrong word to use and I certainly didn’t mean to upset anyone.

@peonyfairy03

Thank you everyone who commented constructively. I’m not sure I made myself clear I’m some of my posts hence why some hurtful and very negative comments.

With the school when she changed schools she didn’t put DH details down. DH called school about receiving reports and school letters he had to take proof In that he was in fact the father and had PR. This is all rectified.

When DSD is with us she has a lovely time and DH is very involved with her homework, cooking bike rides and usually playing games. There is only so much you can do from a Friday night to a Sunday tea time. I was in no way having a go at her DM over her care.

The bit we struggle with is every time it is DH time to have DSD he gets a text saying pick up tomorrow I’m going food shopping or DD doesn’t want to come she is asleep had a tiring week a school or she feeling poorly. It appears that only time it goes smoothly is when DH takes DD shopping to get things that her DM has asked to get such as school things new clothes ect then DSD is always happy to come. When DH talks to his DD she always says I didn’t say that mummy said I couldn’t come because you were ill or had to go out. Obviously solicitors have been involved and when questions I never said that ect. DH tried to stand up to her but then she blocks him and goes NC until she wants something. We are going round in circles DSD is now 10 and often says she wishes she could come more and we would have her more but the games are hard work.

Maybe Parent Alienation was the wrong world but my understanding was that it’s is if one parent is trying to turn a child against the other parent or try and make sure the other parent isn’t really involved. I apologise if this was the wrong word to use and I certainly didn’t mean to upset anyone.

It is alienation. Why others are arguing otherwise is beyond me. Access doesnt mean alienation isnt taking place. Men are sometimes passive to try and keep the peace and the alternative is arguing and almost certainly to the kids detriment.

The school thing is not an example of alienation as more likely uncooperative parenting. If they have been to court I doubt they will be amicable so unrealistic to expect otherwise.

It is your dh's job to contact the school which he did and as you said sorted it out so don't hold onto that. They have a bad relationship but doubt your partner has always been perfect.

You say dsd is prevented from seeing her dad yet said she visits regularly. What is the situation?

@safeordangerous, if the parent is faciliating contact then a court will not consider that as PA. If the child is unwilling to attend contact because one parent has made it hostile then that could be PA. Nrp who don't have good relationships with their children can't use PA as an excuse. Children by their teen years work out which parent is supporting their best interests.

In this case it seems like the child has regular contact, the dad is involved but there isn't co operation because they have battled in court. Perhaps your own situation is clouding your opinion.

The court came about because it was very irregular contact he had with DD started of amicable but then he would go weeks without seeing her because DM always cancelled last minute. Or never agree. DH is no saint and I feel he should stand up more but he says that just makes everything worse as she then go NC and would never be there when he went to pick up DC. He does every pick up and drop off and never complains and will sit on her drive for an hour or so if needs be and he has done in the past. I just get the impression she doesn’t want DH to have his DD and makes excuses. I guess it’s something we just have to live with as I can’t see it changing. I guess I should leave it as it’s not my battle.

@Techway

The school thing is not an example of alienation as more likely uncooperative parenting. If they have been to court I doubt they will be amicable so unrealistic to expect otherwise.

It is your dh's job to contact the school which he did and as you said sorted it out so don't hold onto that. They have a bad relationship but doubt your partner has always been perfect.

You say dsd is prevented from seeing her dad yet said she visits regularly. What is the situation?

@safeordangerous, if the parent is faciliating contact then a court will not consider that as PA. If the child is unwilling to attend contact because one parent has made it hostile then that could be PA. Nrp who don't have good relationships with their children can't use PA as an excuse. Children by their teen years work out which parent is supporting their best interests.

In this case it seems like the child has regular contact, the dad is involved but there isn't co operation because they have battled in court. Perhaps your own situation is clouding your opinion.

Its the daily drip drip drip of the resident parent making things as toxic as possible. Facilitation of access doesn't excuse this.

@peonyfairy03

The court came about because it was very irregular contact he had with DD started of amicable but then he would go weeks without seeing her because DM always cancelled last minute. Or never agree. DH is no saint and I feel he should stand up more but he says that just makes everything worse as she then go NC and would never be there when he went to pick up DC. He does every pick up and drop off and never complains and will sit on her drive for an hour or so if needs be and he has done in the past. I just get the impression she doesn’t want DH to have his DD and makes excuses. I guess it’s something we just have to live with as I can’t see it changing. I guess I should leave it as it’s not my battle.

Carry on as you are. Its all you can do.

My eldest is now 12 and he's seen it for what it is. I suspect your Dsd will do the same as if his ex has regularly lied something will eventually come up which will prove which parent has their interests at heart. It's a pretty horrible thing really but basically thats what happened with my ex, she couldnt explain something she'd lied about. I'm trying to help my eldest rebuild the relationship (with mom) but its bloody hard