Why does she hate me so much?

[mrskelbel]

Little bit of background. Ben with DH for 10 years. Been in DSC life since they were 3 and got a great relationship there. The problem is the mum. So, DH and his ex split up before DSC was born and both agree it was for the best.

Since pretty much from day one, I have been on the receiving end of hate from DSC mum. It's comments about me being fat, ugly or a horrible person, never anything nice.

Over the years we get the comments from DSC saying "my mum keeps saying horrible things about you". My DH and I have both addressed it and we get told either a- I did not say that. B-DSC is a liar.

I get we have to consider something's are probably exaggerated but it's at the stage now where my DSC is almost a teenager and will write the things down and tell their Dad as they don't want me to know and get upset.

The latest is they are not allowed to communicate with me when not here, I am blocked from everything, inc texting their number. I am also blocked on the mums side too ( not that I would have her on social media etc).

My DSC is scared to talk about me at their mums as they get a row. Mum has even told my DH that he shouldn't be in contact with either of us when it's not his weekend with child, yet she phones her child constantly when they are here to ask what we are doing etc.

I find it really hurtful and I am trying to ignore it but it's just eating away at me.

Hand on heart I have always been nice to her, I have never spoken out of turn to her in front of DSC, but I will admit I don't agree with some of the things she does (leaves child at home alone overnight at the age of 9 so she could go out clubbing - she told us that herself so wasn't a lie from DSC).

I can't have children of my own and she knows this. She told my DSC "haha she can't have kids and that's funny! At least you'll never be shoved out the picture". My DSC doesn't know about my fertility so again clearly not lying. Their mum kept asking me when we would have kids of our own and I ended up snapping and telling her (politely) that sometimes it just doesn't happen for people and her reply, I kid you not was "ha! So you're a failure then - you wouldn't want to be an old mum anyway so maybe for the best" 🥺🥺 (FYI I'm 33...).

Please can someone just give me some help on how I can stop letting her get to me! DH doesn't know how bad I feel and I don't want to talk to him about it because he knows how nasty she is to me and he's spoken to her on numerous occasions and she doesn't change.

FYI she's horrible to DH too. Calls him a bad dad and even had DSC when they were 6 to refer him as the sperm donor! He has never missed the agreed second weekend, he has never ever spoken badly of mum in front of DSC. He just tries to ignore it as "it's her problem, just get on with our lives".

I'm scared for my DSC as every time they ask their mum to stop being nasty about us, they get told to "stop defending the scum"

I would be most concerned with the damage this is causing your step-child. Clearly, this woman has very serious issues that in reality have not a thing to do with you as a person. She's vile and bitter, and you are an easy target. You can ignore her, your step-child can't. They are stuck in the middle of this horrible mess. All you can do is continue to nurture a strong relationship between you and your step-child. Don't give their mother even one molecule of headspace.

@Aquamarine1029 my DCS will always be number 1 alongside my husband in life. I genuinely feel like I love my DSC as if they were my own and I'd give up my life for them, so naturally I am terrified of my DSC being manipulated by their mum. We have raised these concerns with mum and been laughed down and told to get a grip. I feel helpless and we have sat and told DSC to write down their mums nasty comments and put them in an envelope and we burn it in the chiminea! My DSC knows how much I love them.

She sounds unhinged really... so I'm not sure I could give her any headspace. Who in their right mind laughs at someone with fertility issues .

Your DH needs to have a conversation with his DC in relation to his DMs behaviour and how it's not appropriate.

He needs to give examples a child can relate to about how it's unkind to say nasty things about other people.

@SandyY2K DSC knows and fully understands how wrong It is. They even told me one day "my mum makes me feel guilty for loving you". Sorry, but how fucked up is that? No child should ever be made to feel like that about the other parent.

That's good that DSC knows. Some people are just horrible and crazy.... you just will never understand them really.

One day it's likely DSC will vote with her feet and end up spending more time with you...

@RandomMess I worry that their mum will have manipulated them that much that they will just want to keep her happy by doing what she says :(

OP, I wish I had some words of wisdom but it sounds like DSC’s mum is a bit nuts.

Have you and DH thought about getting DSC some counselling? It could help them process the effects of her toxic ness and give them some techniques to manage their mum in a way that means they don’t have to erode their own boundaries to keep their mum happy

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Some people are just vile and not nice. It’s only going to damage the kids.

I’m in a similar position and I know how hard this is to ignore. I say to myself all the time ‘you can’t control her, you can only control your feelings’. But it’s hard at times.

In my case I have a 15 YO DSD who is controlled and manipulated by fear (I believe) by the mum.

DSD has been told by the mum that I am the OW and had an affair with her dad and split up their family. This clearly isn’t true - he had been divorced for over 3 years before I even met him and had had a previous girlfriend post divorce.

I’m referred to as ‘her’ by the mum.

It’s got to the point now 6 years in that DSD can’t look me in the eye, talk to me - because she’s so conflicted. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home being around her that she’s now not allowed to be in the house on her own with me. Sad I know but i won’t be ignored in my own home. At 15 she needs to start waking up and smelling the coffee.

All you can do (and I know it’s hard) is take the moral high ground and ignore the batshit behaviour. I’m hoping one day the kids realise the truth.

Stay strong 💪

Some people are just cunts OP.

If I were your husband I would make sure he tells DSC every time they tell him what she's said that it's very unkind to speak that way about anyone and he hopes they would never do so because it's not nice to hurt someone else's feelings and repeat every time.

I don't really care if that counts as bad mouthing their mother. It's more important that they don't grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour and become bullies themselves.

My Dh's ex was like this - now has NC with DSD and not even seen her little one and DSS lives with us and has seen his mom twice since Christmas.

The older they get the more they see it for the bitterness it is and it is horrible for them to feel torn between the reality they see and feel when they are with you and the nasty bile that she constantly spews against you.

Just hold tight and try to ignore her the best you can, you will never change her attitude but she will end up losing her kids respect and maybe even them if she keeps playing this game.

She hates you because she's jealous and unless she herself realises how toxic it is for her (not only for the kids) and works on it, she'll be able to change something.

If the kids love you, I'm sure they are already seeing how bitter she is and it will most probably affect their relationship in the future. Do your best to concentrate on the good things in your life. It's not you, it's her internal problem.

@Motherlandismylife no she doesn't have a partner, she's got a constant flow of men on her life and I've heard it first hand when I bumped into her one night on a date "child's name has a new daddy". I'm so glad my DSC knows it's wrong and has told their mum they don't like that but they get told to "pipe down".

If she is single, she goes through dating apps and asks DSCs opinion on the guys she shows them. It's bad that DSC calls it the "boyfriend catalogue".

She did have a serious partner at the start but they split up as according to DSC "mum told too many lies so xxx left her as he had had enough".

@SandyY2K’s advice is good.

You sound like a great, caring stepmom and don’t deserve all this hatred.

No need for you to be in touch with the mother or with DSD when not with you. Step back and focus on all the lovely things you do with DSD when she is with you.

Try to put her mother out of your mind completely. She doesn’t need to come up in conversation, surely? Or does DSD talk about her?

Finally, your DH needs to have a gentle chat with DSD and explain not to pass on any more negative comments to you. DSD can share them with her dad if she wants to but you don’t need them in your head.

I hope it gets easier.

@MeridianB can I ask why there is no need for the OP to be in touch with their stepchild when not with them? I'm a stepmum and I keep in touch with my DSD. She will message me funny pictures and I text her today to say I hope she has fun at the sleepover tonight which she was telling me about last weekend.

There's nothing wrong with the odd texts in my opinion.

[quote ReginaaPhalange]@MeridianB can I ask why there is no need for the OP to be in touch with their stepchild when not with them? I'm a stepmum and I keep in touch with my DSD. She will message me funny pictures and I text her today to say I hope she has fun at the sleepover tonight which she was telling me about last weekend.

There's nothing wrong with the odd texts in my opinion. [/quote]
It might be that in your case, it's welcomed, but in reality, it's not needed. I sometimes text my SD, because I feel like it, like in your case, wishing her to have fun, but in reality, it's not needed. She has a mother and a father who can wish her that and who care about her.

If the SM's messages create an issue with the mother, then why making it hard on the child when it's nothing important? One day they will grow up and will be able to chose with whom they stay in contact.

@Anuta77 that's fair enough, I agree with your point of view :)

I'm so sorry you've had to endure this OP. It's just horrible. I have one child and can't have any more so know how painful it can be when people are unkind about this.

I have a similar issue myself and simply respond to DD sharing these things ( I'm a single Mum, no partner) with something like - 'It is unkind to say / do X. It must have been upsetting for you to hear that. I'm sorry you had to hear that'' i.e. I I don't take it personally, instead detach myself from the comment yet but validate the child's feelings whilst calling out what is obviously undesirable behavior. When children are met with things they know are wrong on a level, they need to have that instinct validated. Depending on the context, I might also remind DD of how we do things in our home - i.e. we are always kind, we don't lie etc. Meet hate with love, it can be very healing. It's helped me over the years x

Be the bigger person and don't stoop to her level. Do please try to remember this hatred is nothing to do with you, it's her projecting her issues on you (whatever they may be: jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy - doesn't matter what). Your SD will thank you one day.

Could you go for residency?

She sounds very damaging.

If the SM's messages create an issue with the mother, then why making it hard on the child when it's nothing important?

Well in that case I'd say it's the mother making it hard for her own child acting so childishly and pathetic over a simple text message.

My partners ex is similar. Its really hard OP but you cannot let this bring you down, it will only make it worse for the kids feeling guilty and stuck in the middle. Shift your focus to your own life and things you enjoy that makes you happy. Show them that someone elses opinion of you isnt your problem because you know youre a kind and loving person who tries to do right, and there will always be people trying to put you down. Initially I admit I was very hurt by his ex and it caused a lot of anxiety which manifested into weird "body trembles" when I was stressed, but when you detach its so liberating and freeing and you realise that like PP said, the mother is likely miserable and wants to drag you guys down. She does this to provoke so dont let her. Ignore and detach. Provide them a loving, safe and healthy home where you install good values, and they will grow up and make their own decision who is right and wrong.

I do however not agree with asking kids to write down everything nasty mum said and burning it up. That sounds horrible for the kids. My suggestion would be not to waste time on that, do something nice as a family instead and ignore talking about mum. If my DSD brings it up I say something like, "well mum is entitled her opinion but in this house we dont say mean things about others", "these are adult issues and you dont need to worry about that , kids only need to focus on learning and playing " or "dont worry about that darling, it doesnt make me sad because I love myself very much and I know you and your dad do too which makes me happy" and then change the topic. Ask them a question about one of their interest or for example something simple like "isnt it a really nice day, Im so glad you're here and we get to spend time together"
Just my 2 cents its really worked for us

I really feel for you here OP, similar position here but not to the extreme. My Dd is only 7 and she’s often saying her mum thinks I’m a nasty person and my own child is a horrible child which of course my child hears.

It is bitterness, fixation on the past and jealousy. I understand that sharing a child between two families is hard but if she can’t get past those feelings then she Only had thoughts for herself and not her children.

Why don’t you sit the kids down as a family and have a discussion about it. Tell them that it is difficult to hear hateful things and that no more is communicated or written down, that her mums opinion of you doesnt matter, the only thing that matters is the kids opinions and thoughts.

This sounds they they are very conflicted and this will be really harming them. I would suggest some counselling for them to work through their own troubles about it. It will provide much clarification about what is really going on here

I am in a similar position. I also have fertility problems & will never have a child & my SCs mum has thrown this back at me which is just wicked. I have previously gone out of my way to be nice but there is so much bitterness & hatred from her towards me & my DH. She has said countless things to her DC, all lies . One SD does not look at me, talk to me or acknowledge me in any way. The other blows hot & cold. I now have nothing to do with the ExW & sadly have had to take a step back from my SDs for my own mental health.

I'm going through the same thing. I've had to learn to just block the mum and not care what she thinks of me. All communications go through DH (as they should).

As long as your DSC know they are safe with you, you love them and want to protect them, then that is enough. I agree with PP, if your DSC brings up something nasty their mum has said, just respond with "we don't be nasty about others in this house".