To have a baby..or not - possible first baby of second marriage. Existing children

[severusbadger]

Hi,

Please bear with me while I try to articulate this:

I’m 30
DH is 46

I have one DC age 6 from previous marriage
DH has two DC - early teenage from previous marriage

We co-exist quite happily together, although I am a “cool” hangout figure whom his kids like to eat pizza with and watch films and I’m obviously “mummy” to my child. My child is here with me full time - he does have contact with his father. My husband’s children are here twice a week and are becoming more and more independent - we generally ferry them to their social activities and feed them. Everyone is happy

DH has broached the subject of a baby and made it quite clear that he’d like one - but now - rather than in five years

I’m not particularly broody. I adore my DC, in fact - I am possibly a bit obsessed. Every time I try to consider the idea of another baby I feel nothing but guilt at the prospect of my wee DC feeling pushed out. Irrational, I know

I can’t imagine ever loving anything else like how I love my DC - I accept this is common and wouldn’t actually be an issue

I know if we have a baby I will adore it, and that I won’t regret it for a second..

However..I’m just not broody. I don’t think I’m one of those women. But then again, what if I get smacked by the broody stick in five years when the clock is ticking?

Now for the big thing - I have struggled being a second wife. I know it isn’t cool, and I know a lot of posters will tell me to grow up - but it’s tough. I suspect DH is trying to make us a family, that a baby will really cement our unit

Somehow I don’t think it works like that. Babies are hard work, and they put pressure on the strongest of marriages. Our marriage is fine - I just get a bit insecure at times that his first wife was deemed the “real one” because they had the on paper ideal set up

Also - although I adore my husband’s children, they aren’t mine and I do not consider them mine. They have a great mum. Thankfully we are financially secure enough to accommodate and finance four altogether. I’m just not sure

Could I please trouble you for your thoughts?

Do you want a second child at all? And do you want a child with your DH? Did you discuss this before you got married?

If the answer is yes to these but the timing is not right, could he compromise and wait a year?

I'm not sure 🤷🏽‍♀️ we entered the marriage being opened minded - no one knows what they'll want in years to come I guess

DH is happy either way but has reiterated that he doesn't want to be a father to a newborn in his fifties, which is totally understandable

My own personal opinion is that a marriage breakdown, new relationship and getting to know a new step parents dc is enough for any child to cope with!

I understand not everyone would agree with me but my dc (older teens) now tell me they are thankful that they remained my only focus when they were struggling to come to terms with other big upheavals.

From what you’ve said I don’t think you want another baby which is fine. But this is just my opinion from reading one comment.

My DC has never expressed any desire for a sibling. My two step-children are fabulous but again, they're branching out on their own and are fairly chilled - the three of them are great together and we're very grateful

I'm just not sure what another baby will add, my husband seems to think it'll tick the "proper family" box..and I'm a bit

It would be lovely to experience pregnancy and the snuggly newborn days but in reality - the thought of sleepless nights and nappies turns me cold

Honestly @severusbadger if you're not feeling it don't do it.
I think if you had a child YOUR dc would be fine and would adjust but as you see time & again on here all sorts of issues (some expected & some unexpected) arise with sdc & it's often the mum who is quite literally left holding the baby while the dad ends up spending a lot of time placating the sdc; issues which if you'd actively wanted a baby may seem worth the hassle.
My exdp also wanted a baby with me but I said an outright no as I could see that it would cause massive issues at his end & I knew I'd end up on my own with our baby while he tended to his teen dcs & I just wasn't up for that having my own kids already - I didn't want one enough to weather that.
I'm so glad I did as we eventually split up (mainly due to issues with his kids) & I would have been left in an increasingly stressful relationship minding 4 kids more or less alone or, I'd have been left a single parent of 4 trying to fight for our child to get as much of his time as his VERY demanding dc.

Hi OP,

From reading your post I would say don't do it. AS your Dh gets older you will be left doing all of the running with the baby and you will resent him more and more. You are all happy - you have your DC, he has his DC. You do not need another DC. If he had never had a child I might say this is something to consider, but he has children so no, stay happy as you are.

Also, even if you regret having a child - the child is there and you cannot abandon it, men can and do, just read any relationship thread on here, but society does not allow women to abandon their children so again, you would be left with all the worry, work and life change.

I don’t think you should do it. You aren’t excited about it and that’s reason enough not to.

From a purely practical point of view, if you are going to have a child with your Dh, sooner the better, I'm the same age as him and you begin to creak a bit, get more tired etc. Wouldn't want to be running after a toddler in 6 years time!

Tbh I am with a PP in that I don’t think people should have children within second marriages, but obviously that’s my view and others will disagree.

Having said that though, even if it wasn’t a second marriage it doesn’t sound as if you want another baby and therefore you shouldn’t have one.

The only thing I would say though is whether you’re prepared for this to end your marriage. Not that it necessarily will, but often on here when a woman posts that her DH doesn’t want another baby and she does, people urge her to think about whether this might be a deal-breaker and if so she might want to consider ending the marriage.

Again, I don’t think that not wanting subsequent children is a good enough reason to end a marriage, but many people do, so it’s something you might want to consider.

DH is content to leave the decision with me - his only point is basically now rather than later - and that's fair enough, due to his age

If we decide against it, DH will be happy enough hurtling towards retirement on nice holidays and driving nice cars rather than a family bus

I'm young but I'm not that young. I hear broodiness is all consuming 🤷🏽‍♀️ I have never yearned for a baby. My own DC was planned within my first marriage but I was definitely never taken over by the baby bug

Nooooooooooooo if you’re not feeling it definitely don’t do it. I can cause a complete upset and certainly doesn’t always being a family ‘together’ it can cause further distinctions between the dc. Don’t listen to him, for all you know you’ll be left holding a baby that impedes massively on your life whist he gets on with his.

It doesn’t sound like you want a baby, and you’re right, they are such hard work! If your heart wasn’t in it you might find it even tougher.

Also, a 7 year age gap with your DC would be massive - they wouldn’t have anything in common growing up and you’d be forever juggling the needs and interests of your DC with the new baby. Obvs the gulf with your stepchildren would be even bigger.

The only issue I can see is that if you changed your mind in a few years then arguably it would be too late as your DH would be in his 50s by then, and I really think that’s too old to be father of a newborn (he’s pushing it now tbh) and not fair on the child. Maybe as pps said you should give it a year and reassess.

Fwiw I had my first at 31 and due my second now I’m 33, and it’s been fine - I don’t feel like an old mum! But DH is the same age.

My advice? Based on how you’re feeling and how contented you are? Don’t do it. My DP did the same. The reality however is pretty similar to Magda. I foresaw years of my having to go back to juggling a baby/ nursery/ school runs while he (rightfully) prioritised his other children with his exw. I would have been the one left holding the baby.

The other question is if you start trying and let’s say it takes a year. Your Dd will be 7. You’re 4 years away (perhaps more) of getting out of school runs and having more independence. Do you want to set that all back by 7 years?

That in all honesty was the deal breaker for me. I’ve done those years with mine and I’m within years of getting some independence back. I wasn’t prepared to add more years to that clock because it’s really tough to juggle childcare and work.

If you do decide to go ahead, I think you need to be crystal clear about how much responsibility of child rearing you will both do. I don’t know if you work, but how would that impact you?

I dunno, I just think you should really want to have a baby to say yes to this. You sound as though you have a lovely set up and very happy/ healthy children. Why mess with what’s working?

Thank you to all who have contributed

I work full time in a professional role

Lots to think about but I think the main thing for now is that it appears I don't actually want a baby

I love my DC so much but now is the time for sunshine and rainbows - he sleeps 20:30 - 07:30 and is absolutely no bother, the kindest wee guy you'll ever encounter

He's excellent fun and he has a great wee life, he's the happiest chap

I'm in no rush for anything but I expect I'll have to talk to DH at some stage

I don't think you want one. I défiot want another one but DH doesn't as he feels he's gettt too old and by the time we can properly house one it will be too late for him. There's four of us (1 mine, 2 his, 1 baby together). I love our "modular" family but in our case I don't feel it's great that our baby is an only child 50% of the time

Talk to him, I agree. I did the same and when I asked how it would all work his response was ‘we’ll make it work.’ No not good enough.

Nursery years are easy - long hours, open 51 weeks of the year. Those early school years? Tough as hell. Between inset days/ settling in/ school holidays - how does that all get taken care of? Not to mention short school days in reception etc.

I don’t know how hands on your DH was in the early days with his Dc, but my DP was not. His ex was a SAHM. So he has absolutely zero clue as to the logistics of both parents who WOHM, juggling different drop offs at different schools and then getting to/ from work. I do know and when he responded with ‘we’ll make it work’ I just thought ‘not a chance, you have no idea of how hard this will make things for the next 11-12 years’.

The thing is you've got it good. You like his kids, you don't mention that he has any negativity to yours. It seems you respect his ex and in turn that probably means she is fine with you. You love being a mum to one. Quite honestly no real conflict comes out of your post, in words or tone, other than these bloody 'boxes' not being ticked.

Honestly you and your husband don't need another child. You need to resolve this "we're not quite a real family" thing. A child isn't the solution. Find a way to love what you've got.

Whatever him and his ex had might have ticked boxes but it obviously wasn't that good. It didn't last. I think you both need to learn to think "fuck the boxes" instead of "how do we tick the boxes."

I think that if you have to ask, it's a no. Your setup sounds great!

If you don't want another child then the answer is "No". No other reason needed.

You don’t want a child now but you may in 5 years when your DP would view himself as too old. I think you need to think about this carefully and discuss it with your DP openly and honestly. Ttc when a man is in his 50s is harder too even if you are young - so if there’s any bit of doubt in your mind I would say plan to have a child in the next 2-3 years

I'm a second wife too. My DH and I have one child together and he has 2 older children.
Given you're perfectly happy as is and your DH has left it to you, I wouldn't have another. I get his reasons for wanting a quick decision.

If you aren't really bothered I probably wouldn't. It depends whether you think you will change your mind in years time and then your husband will be too old (in his opinion). If you think you'll continue to be happy as you are then no, I wouldn't have another.

they had the on paper ideal set up

They didn't though because they divorced.

Worth having a really honest conversation with your DH about why he wants another. If he main goal is the blended family aspect and you are ambivalent then don’t go there.

It's so difficult because I suspect when I'm 40 and look back I'll probably think - what if?!

I don't think it's fair to have a baby unless I'm 100%

Some thinking time and honest conversations are in order 🤷🏽‍♀️