To have a baby..or not - possible first baby of second marriage. Existing children

[severusbadger]

Hi,

Please bear with me while I try to articulate this:

I’m 30
DH is 46

I have one DC age 6 from previous marriage
DH has two DC - early teenage from previous marriage

We co-exist quite happily together, although I am a “cool” hangout figure whom his kids like to eat pizza with and watch films and I’m obviously “mummy” to my child. My child is here with me full time - he does have contact with his father. My husband’s children are here twice a week and are becoming more and more independent - we generally ferry them to their social activities and feed them. Everyone is happy

DH has broached the subject of a baby and made it quite clear that he’d like one - but now - rather than in five years

I’m not particularly broody. I adore my DC, in fact - I am possibly a bit obsessed. Every time I try to consider the idea of another baby I feel nothing but guilt at the prospect of my wee DC feeling pushed out. Irrational, I know

I can’t imagine ever loving anything else like how I love my DC - I accept this is common and wouldn’t actually be an issue

I know if we have a baby I will adore it, and that I won’t regret it for a second..

However..I’m just not broody. I don’t think I’m one of those women. But then again, what if I get smacked by the broody stick in five years when the clock is ticking?

Now for the big thing - I have struggled being a second wife. I know it isn’t cool, and I know a lot of posters will tell me to grow up - but it’s tough. I suspect DH is trying to make us a family, that a baby will really cement our unit

Somehow I don’t think it works like that. Babies are hard work, and they put pressure on the strongest of marriages. Our marriage is fine - I just get a bit insecure at times that his first wife was deemed the “real one” because they had the on paper ideal set up

Also - although I adore my husband’s children, they aren’t mine and I do not consider them mine. They have a great mum. Thankfully we are financially secure enough to accommodate and finance four altogether. I’m just not sure

Could I please trouble you for your thoughts?

If when you're older you suddenly get super broody, just remind yourself it's hormones!!!

It's clear you don't want to start over with a baby and are very happy with how your life is now. Embrace it and make the most of enjoying all the DC.

Hello All and thank you for reading this post.

Please excuse my poor wording as I'm not the most articulate!

I'm desperate for some advice from anyone with similar experience. I'm 39 with one 4 year old boy. His father and I divorced at the end of the last year ( after covid) and are both with new partners. We have a great relationship- better than when we were together and he lives down the road. We share custody of my son equally.

My new partner and I have been friends since we were 15 and got together after my husband met his new partner.

It all moved quite fast as he was 39 and never been married or had kids and wanted to move on with his life, so we decided he would move in after a year. It was amazing... and he is so, so incredible with my son - plays with him non stop and is so, so patient with him. But then we would have a huge argument (never with my son around) and he would be horrible. When he argues or gets in a confrontational or threatened situation he can be really mean and hard to deal with. This happened like %10 of the time. The rest of the time he was like 'the dream partner' . So attentive. Thoughtful, loving and nurturing. Again always so amazing with my son and really wanted to do everything he could to take care of us both.

Now, I know this is very irresponsible but after he moved in we decided to try to get pregnant. We were both so excited and tried for 4 months. Again I think it all moved so quickly as we are both pushing 40 so we know it's probably our last chance.

Now I'm 6 weeks pregnant and freaking out.

The main thing I'm freaking out about is my son. He is very happy and balanced little boy with so much love from everyone. When we were trying for a baby I was thinking that it would be great for him to have a sibling and not be an only child as, even though we are playing with him all the time, I always feel that being an only child he might feel lonely sometimes.

But now I'm pregnant I'm thinking differently about it and so worried it will be really hard on him. The new baby will be with us all the time while my son will be with his daddy half the time. I don't want him to feel like he's the p.s child! Or just not as loved!!!

Does anyone else have a similar story? I would love any advice or thoughts as it's all I can think about. I'm so worried how this will effect him.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to read xx

Ok so it might be better to create your own post rather than piggy back on a post that's nearly 2 years old.

But to give you a answer. It's totally normal to freak out a bit. Even my friends in nuclear families worried about the first born when pregnant with the second. It's hard but once your over there first bit and you see the kids bond with each other it's totally worth it imo.

Also this isn't really a step issue so I don't know how much help specifically we can give. Ny advice would be the same for if you were in nuclear family, make sure you carve out time for the eldest and you still get one on one time him when he's with you. Be easy on yourself pregnancy can really mess with your head but for me at least I'm v bless with my family.

It will be ok 💐

I think you have a practical and realistic view of your family including extended family and what new babies mean.

If you were a friend that asked I would probably advise them to consider themselves and their personal, professional goals and to be selfish in whatever choice they make.

Of course you would adore any little one that came along but you have your little one who you adore already.

Thank you so much hourbyhour and marblessolveeverything. And apologies, I thought I was creating a new thread (haven't been on here for a while) so so sorry for hijacking! 😂

This is comforting to read. I guess I have some heavy thinking to do. Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply, I'm very grateful xx

@mumtobbk ahhh don't worry we have all done it. Any new child whatever changes the dynamics of any family structure. It's as scary as hell, combine that with pregnancy hormones and it's a disaster waiting to happen.

I also agree with marbles actually also. It does get better. Remember kids like structure and patterns and when babies crying all night your DS may be please to get some fun time with dad and you will be grateful for hopefully getting some sleep while baby naps.

I really get it. The first bit is rough, it gets easier !

Hourbyhour, yes this is true! I think as long as he's feel super secure and reassured with our love at all times it will be ok. He has an amazing relationship with his dad and loves being with him and for that I feel very blessed - I know when he's not with me, he's happy with him.

thank you again for your kind advice, it's amazing to get this support and made me feel a lot better 😍xx