What to do with SD at weekends?

[dgirluk]

My DH has a daughter who is 13. We've been together 4 years, although friends for about a decade, and married for nearly 2 years.

She's fine - got to be one of the easiest SC in the world - and mine/DH's relationship with mum (remarried, more kids) is great.

We theoretically have her every other weekend, but in reality with her sleepovers (pre COVID), Scouts stuff (pre COVID) etc., it's a lot less. She lives about 90 minutes away, so no chance of seeing her friends on the weekends she's with us. I've tried things like a local climbing club (she likes climbing) but they won't take her, because she's not here enough. Signing her up for any sort of weekend club is the same problem.

So in the end I think she gets quite bored, and we don't really know what to do with her. I'm not massively maternal, never wanted children myself, but I'm not resentful of her or anything.

I just want to figure out anything we can do with her at weekends - predominantly on the Saturday. It was easy when she was younger - she used to like riding her bike (as we do) so by the time we'd had a morning cycling in the forest, late lunch, popped to the shops or something in the afternoon, it was dinner time. Sunday is fairly easy because we make breakfast all together, then maybe a bit of homework or TV together, then it's home time.

Any tips? What DO you do with a 13 year old girl on a Saturday, when there aren't any friends around?? Even activities are a bit flat, because she doesn't have anyone her own age to do them with - just us oldies.

Any advice appreciated !

What sort of budget do you have?

Projects you can do together like painting old furniture, making stuff for the garden etc can appeal to that age.

Cafe lunch. Trips to big cities.

90 minutes is a very long way away for a young teenager. Would you ever consider moving somewhere a bit closer? I know that sounds drastic but she's going to resent having to leave her friends more and more as she gets older and it's really not fair that she can't attend any weekend clubs.

Dsd who is also 13 loves ice skating. Is there an ice rink near you?

Does she like water and do you have a water sports facility where you can kayak, stand up paddle and windsurf near to you? We often book a SUP or kayak for an hour. We went today, it was lovely to be outside and have a hot chocolate after. It cost £20 for 2 including wetsuits and bouyancy jackets.

Hi guys thanks for the replies :). No we can’t move closer - we just couldn’t afford to for starters, and work would be a nightmare. The weekend clubs thing is tricky. We worked around it when she was doing clubs at home so she could do them, but as she’s got older she’s lost interest and dropped out of them.

She’s ok with water, doesn’t like swimming but at least used to like more exciting stuff like kayaking etc. She does with scouts. But one weekend to the next is so different. It’s a tricky age! She’s at that point where most questions are met with a grunt at best and a shrug of the shoulders.

Ice skating is a good idea

We do cafe lunches but honestly today I sat and watched her stuff food in And eat with with her mouth Open then got the sulky silent treatment 😐

We’ve tried trips to London but Covid makes that pretty much no go at the moment, and even then - what to do when you get there!!

Thanks everybody some ideas for us to try! Keep them coming :):)

What about if she brought a friend with her one weekend (Covid allowing of course)? Then they could pick an activity - camping in the garden/Shopping/cinema/horse riding/whatever and you could go along and spectate or take part without it feeling so sort of forced?

You're lucky, my 13 year old SC doesn't get out of bed til 1pm then just grunts and eats everything in sight

I think bringing a friend with her is a great idea. She can have a sleepover at yours. You could order in pizza for them or something.

She's not there very often, and it doesn't sound like she gets much time alone with her dad. I'd let them work it out between them to be honest.

Family Films! I'm surprised it hasn't been suggested so far. Get some drinks and snacks in to make it an event. Really easy fun.

You don't need to squeeze tons of things in to one day. Weekend clubs aren't essential and plenty teens are happy just to hang out and watch tv if the have a normally busy schedule. The idea of bringing a friend sometimes is a good one. We don't have weekend clubs as we don't like the restrictions to our free time. Examples of activities we do that you can just drop in and out of are cinema, roller skating- the indoor roller rink is very popular for younger teens to hang out so a good one to do with a friend, horse riding, trampoline park, clip and climb, wander round town and a meal, walks in woods or by the beach, go ape, we have a historic Scotland membership so often visit those sites and have lunch somewhere, outdoor skate/scooter parks another very popular for teens so good with a friend rather than to hang out with parents. If you live within day trip distance of london it's likely you have all these things available and more and if there's one she particularly likes could go more regularly but I'm sure sometimes she'd be fine just spending a bit of time chilling with her dad.

@myhousekey

What about if she brought a friend with her one weekend (Covid allowing of course)? Then they could pick an activity - camping in the garden/Shopping/cinema/horse riding/whatever and you could go along and spectate or take part without it feeling so sort of forced?

You're lucky, my 13 year old SC doesn't get out of bed til 1pm then just grunts and eats everything in sight

I think that's been suggested in the past, not sure it went down very well. I have a feeling her closest best friend might be a "girlfriend" so I'm not sure how I'd feel about her staying. Would need discussion !

@myhousekey PS I wish she stayed in bed til 1 ! Instead we just have a dark storm cloud emerges and sits there waiting to be entertained, poo poo'ing any ideas we have!

I think we've tried a lot of the other suggestions....

Films - she doesn't like films because she says they're too long and she can't concentrate. We have tried episodes of shows she likes, which sometimes works on a Sunday morning - family cuddles on the sofa - but on a black cloud weekend like this one it's just horrid! She's not keen on the cinema either.

Country parks etc. - have also tried those. She gets grumpy. Tried suggesting a walk and tree climbing yesterday and just got eh shrug and "no"

She used to love horse riding and I do too - suggested lessons here locally but that was met with a shrug and "no"

I also think dad time is important, and she has a very hectic life at home with younger siblings (which is a whole other story), but she just sits there looking bored and not interacting. I guess it's a teenage thing, but I wonder what the point is. Why bother coming at all tbh, it just wastes our weekend, everybody gets tense and upset. Although I think she probably likes the peace and quiet at some level at least.

I do like the idea of ice skating - I'm sure dad and I could wobble around on those with her. He has done go ape with her and high ropes things (I"m absolutely terrified of heights). We've taken her out for lunches - yesterday went to the local airfield where I've flown from a few times because she's shown interest in the planes before. She just sat there sulking on her phone.

I guess a lot of it is normal teenage stuff - she's 14 in December - I just don't know what to do for the best.

In all honesty I hid a lot of yesterday weeding the garden, and reading in the afternoon, and left her to dad on the pretence of dad-bonding time. Didn't seem to help, and then he gets stressed because he thinks I'm upset too.

have you asked her what she wants to do

You sound very resentful. But I'd try a ceramic cafe where you paint your own pots and then the next time she's there she gets to pick them up when they've been fired and glazed

Does she like to cook? She and your DH could make dinner together, starting with choosing some recipes, go shopping then cooking
If not a movie is there a tv series you could watch with her?
Board games afternoon? Laser tag?
Are there any escape rooms close to you?
Yum cha? Teppenyaki lunch?
Afternoon making mock tails

Your attitude towards her has changed quite a bit since your OP. Maybe she's too old for this but for my 3 I give them 2 or 3 choices and they pick one no option to say no. Once they are there they really enjoy themselves. Also if she has a busy life a mum's house the odd Saturday doing nothing isn't the worst thing in the world.

Is there a clip and climb nearby that she might like, or trampoline/ inflatable parks?

Tbf though I've a niece that age, and when we take the younger kids to those places I suggested she doesn't want to do them. Would rather meet friends or sit on her phone/ laptop. I think it's a tricky age.

Do you have any friends/colleagues nearby with teenagers? All she needs is one friend nearby and all these plans will suddenly seem more appealing. Cooking is a good idea - a kind of come dine with me theme or ready steady cook.

Why, why, why whenever a step mother comes on here for advice is she told she is 'resentful' it's like the worst game of bingo ever, you can always tick it off! Mumsnet is a step parenting hating cesspit at times OP, I got jumped on for a thread I started as well 🙄.

In relation to your actual query, I would say shes nearly 14, she probably has her own ideas and I wouldn't force anything on her. Maybe get her to choose a takeaway/meal out somewhere when she comes? Coffee shop?

@phylisprice it was the language around her stepdaughter eating lunch, not a very loving description imo

@dgirluk I am a mum of 3 (now 23, 18 & 14) & I've been around the block a fair bit with teens!
My exh and I are lucky in that we live in the same town so the kids seeing their dad has never had to impact on time with friends. At your dsd's age peer groups (even if they're falling out every 5 mins) are really important & I think divorced/separated parents really need to take this on board & promote it, even if it eats into parent/child time.
I your situation I think your dh should travel to see his dd once a month at least. He could do a round trip or an overnight in a bnb. He could take her out alone (or the odd time with a friend) for the day, or just do something very simple like cinema & a meal. That way he gets alone time with her & the pressure to entertain is off you.
He could do this eow or once a month & get her to come to yours the other weekend a month.
Teens of that age can be so all over the place & I personally feel expecting them to hang out with their parents all weekend is really unfair - particularly when it's an 'only' child as your dsd is when she's at yours. If your dh goes to her he can still see her but she has the rest of the weekend to hang out with her friends/do a hobby/rest.
I also don't think bringing a friend to yours is the right solution as it sets the friend up as an emotional crutch in dsd's relationship with you & her dad & if that friend doesn't want to do an overnight or something is on with her family on a certain weekend then it's putting her & her family in the awkward position of having to say no to your dsd.
When I was roughly dsd's age I had a best friend who was an only child & I was invited to her house for a day visit or a sleepover nearly every weekend which was immensely stressful for me as I didn't always want to go but didn't want to upset my friend or be impolite & was so worried she'd be unhappy with me if I said no. It was a very unhappy headspace for me & it's too much 'responsibility' to put on a friendship.

Does she like computer games, can you all learn to play one together?

Can she and her Dad pick something to learn/do together, so its not her off on her own doing something.... sailing, geocaching, gokarting, cooking Thai food, baking bread, woodworking

Can you start a small home renovation project and have her do part of it (build a shed/garden room).

Maybe sit down with her and be honest,
I’d like us to put together a list of things you would like to do on your weekends here. Lets brainstorm...then throw out some crazy suggestions as her eye rolling at them might get her to suggest something she might actually like. Make sure you suggest some things she could do on her own, with her Dad or with both of you so that you can get a sense if there is an issue over who she wants to spend her time with.

Don't take her staring into her phone and saying no to stuff personally. She is 13.

Do doesn't ask dsds if they want to do stuff as he either gets a shrug or no. He tells them we're doing it. They moan and sulkily shuffle off to slowly get dressed but then enjoy themselves when they're out.

Also, I don't think you should feel you should always be doing an activity with her. Me, dp and dsds have spend the morning staring into our respective phones and drinking tea. That's family life sometimes.