What to do with SD at weekends?

[dgirluk]

My DH has a daughter who is 13. We've been together 4 years, although friends for about a decade, and married for nearly 2 years.

She's fine - got to be one of the easiest SC in the world - and mine/DH's relationship with mum (remarried, more kids) is great.

We theoretically have her every other weekend, but in reality with her sleepovers (pre COVID), Scouts stuff (pre COVID) etc., it's a lot less. She lives about 90 minutes away, so no chance of seeing her friends on the weekends she's with us. I've tried things like a local climbing club (she likes climbing) but they won't take her, because she's not here enough. Signing her up for any sort of weekend club is the same problem.

So in the end I think she gets quite bored, and we don't really know what to do with her. I'm not massively maternal, never wanted children myself, but I'm not resentful of her or anything.

I just want to figure out anything we can do with her at weekends - predominantly on the Saturday. It was easy when she was younger - she used to like riding her bike (as we do) so by the time we'd had a morning cycling in the forest, late lunch, popped to the shops or something in the afternoon, it was dinner time. Sunday is fairly easy because we make breakfast all together, then maybe a bit of homework or TV together, then it's home time.

Any tips? What DO you do with a 13 year old girl on a Saturday, when there aren't any friends around?? Even activities are a bit flat, because she doesn't have anyone her own age to do them with - just us oldies.

Any advice appreciated !

I agree with comments about not feeling obliged to come up with elaborate activities every time. It isn't a travesty not to do clubs on a weekend, not all kids to, so you don't need to feel like you need to provide something "as good" every time. She seems particularly surly and reluctant to engage with your suggestions so personally I would either ask her what she wants to do and if she says nothing, do nothing and just allow the day to be a quiet one, or tell her what you are doing, rather than ask. That will obviously be necessary if it's something you need to do or the rest of you want to do and she's outvoted.

@chipsandpeas

have you asked her what she wants to do

Oh yes, several times. We even started a shared Note which we could all add ideas and links to. So when we were short of ideas we could pick something from there. But asking her gets a shrug of the shoulder and "dunno" and she has never put anything into the shared note.

@Yellowcar2

Your attitude towards her has changed quite a bit since your OP. Maybe she's too old for this but for my 3 I give them 2 or 3 choices and they pick one no option to say no. Once they are there they really enjoy themselves. Also if she has a busy life a mum's house the odd Saturday doing nothing isn't the worst thing in the world.

Probably a result of 24 hours with not one word being said, just a few shrugs :(. The frustration builds!

I think that's a really good idea - some choices and the choice to stay at home a chill / play Minecraft / whatever. Even before COVID but definitely more since, many things need to be booked in advance, which makes it hard to offer too many options "on the fly." But I"m sure with a bit of planning we could find some things.

[quote yesterdaystotalsteps123]@phylisprice it was the language around her stepdaughter eating lunch, not a very loving description imo[/quote]
It wasn't a very loving moment tbh. One of my pet hates is bad table manners, particularly eating with your mouth wide open. And when you've asked her several times (and I know mum is strict on this too), it gets a bit much. It's about the only thing I ever ask her - that, and blowing her nose instead of sniffing all the time.

[quote Magda72]@dgirluk I am a mum of 3 (now 23, 18 & 14) & I've been around the block a fair bit with teens!
My exh and I are lucky in that we live in the same town so the kids seeing their dad has never had to impact on time with friends. At your dsd's age peer groups (even if they're falling out every 5 mins) are really important & I think divorced/separated parents really need to take this on board & promote it, even if it eats into parent/child time.
I your situation I think your dh should travel to see his dd once a month at least. He could do a round trip or an overnight in a bnb. He could take her out alone (or the odd time with a friend) for the day, or just do something very simple like cinema & a meal. That way he gets alone time with her & the pressure to entertain is off you.
He could do this eow or once a month & get her to come to yours the other weekend a month.
Teens of that age can be so all over the place & I personally feel expecting them to hang out with their parents all weekend is really unfair - particularly when it's an 'only' child as your dsd is when she's at yours. If your dh goes to her he can still see her but she has the rest of the weekend to hang out with her friends/do a hobby/rest.
I also don't think bringing a friend to yours is the right solution as it sets the friend up as an emotional crutch in dsd's relationship with you & her dad & if that friend doesn't want to do an overnight or something is on with her family on a certain weekend then it's putting her & her family in the awkward position of having to say no to your dsd.
When I was roughly dsd's age I had a best friend who was an only child & I was invited to her house for a day visit or a sleepover nearly every weekend which was immensely stressful for me as I didn't always want to go but didn't want to upset my friend or be impolite & was so worried she'd be unhappy with me if I said no. It was a very unhappy headspace for me & it's too much 'responsibility' to put on a friendship.[/quote]
All really good points thank you :). He does go and see her separately for daddy/daughter time, or if she doesn't want to come / has other plans, he tries to go see her for a couple of hours or something. Go for a bike ride, go for lunch or something. I am wondering whether we should be looking to change the routine, and do that as standard instead.

There's no point making everybody miserable, it does't help his/her relationship, she doesn't feel good, we certainly don't feel good.

But then we wonder if that's the wrong thing to do, because it just puts even more emotional distance between her and dad.

Thanks @KylieKoKo and @aSofaNearYou Yes maybe we just need to book something and do it - take the decision away from her. I know sometimes if I get forced into doing something I reluctantly enjoy it :) We aren't obsessed with getting her into clubs or anything, it's just that she seems to want something to do (based on her wanting to do "something exciting" which was as far as we got this weekend), but just nothing we suggest, and no ideas of her own.

But some really good idea in this thread. I like the idea of cooking together - dad cooks too so that could be with either him or me depending who she's wanting to spend time with. Although we did do that this weekend - we have a pizza oven so made dough in the morning (she kneaded the dough) but by dinner time it was just silence :(

Anyway. Thanks everybody for the ideas and letting me have a little vent!

Someone else mentioned it too but do you know about Geocaching? Its basically a sort of treasure hunt. You use an app to get a rough location of a cache and then using the description and coordinates you find the cache. You don't keep it, the fun is in the chase and find - you sign it and log it on the app/site.
As she does scouts and presumably likes outdoor activities this may be a good idea. They can be very simple to very challenging - mentally and physically. Once you know what you're doing you can put out your own ones too. They are pretty much everywhere so you could look up an area of interest, go for a walk and find some caches then head for a cafe or something.
We do it quite often, it can take you all over the place and to places you may not otherwise go to.
Worth a look.....

@dgirluk I understand what you mean about more emotional distance. However I don't think that sort of set up needs to result in emotional distance. Lots of kids have great relationships with the parent they don't live with - it's all about how it's handled.
My exdp had 3 kids (all teens) that lived a similar distance away & after attempts to have them come to ours we gave up & he went to them instead - it didn't affect his relationship with them one bit. It did mean that they never integrated with me (however there were also other reasons for that) but I honestly think that integration into the nrp's day to day life is very difficult for teens when there's distance involved because (generally speaking) most teens don't want to leave their life behind eow.

[quote yesterdaystotalsteps123]@phylisprice it was the language around her stepdaughter eating lunch, not a very loving description imo[/quote]
Yeah well grumpy teenagers can be difficult to describe lovingly sometimes whether they are your own or not!

Doubt you'd say a parent had to describe their foul mooded teenager lovingly all the time otherwise they are resentful. But obviously step mothers have to think nothing but happy, loving, warm, cuddly thoughts about SC all the time or else.

Honestly OP, I'd just choose a few things and tell her you're doing them. A lot to the time she will probably enjoy it when she's there. Teenagers are notorious for the whole shrugging, 'dunno', uninterested in anything, stuff. Stop asking and just take her to do something you think she might like.

Maybe it would be better to stop the weekend visits for a while and take her out for days in her area. When my DD was her age this is how her and her dad got together. She went back to weekend stay overs when she was older. She is and had always been very close to her dad.