I am a mum looking for a bit of advice, the situation does involve step parents so I hope this is ok to post here.
A bit of background to our story, I have an 8 year old daughter and do not live with her dad, I live with my husband and two daughters, dad lives with his girlfriend and her son who is 10, our 8 year old goes between the two homes and has done since she was a 4 month old baby. We have always been amicable and ensured our daughter has plenty of time with both families, extended families, friends and all important events have been shared.
During lockdown we experienced some challenging behaviour from our daughter, I had a baby in April so my anxiety was high which would have been visible and of course we were all wondering what was happening in the world as well as school and friends being removed.
One time in May daughter was with her dad she ended up being dropped at my door in tears without him waiting for me to answer (he has never done this before) as he was so angry with her, I still don’t know exactly why but ever since daughter hasn’t wanted to stay at dads, she has still spent time there but always come to sleep at her house with me (we live 5 mins apart).
When we were allowed to we took daughter to see a child psychologist as she was very low who advised daughter was showing signs of separation anxiety which has lead to depression and we have been working on a variety of things. In the last few weeks behaviour has improved and mood has lifted.
Dad has now stated daughter that as daughter is back to school, she has no choice but to go back to our regular pattern of staying every other weekend, Tuesday night and half of all holidays which is what we have done for years. The problem is that daughter is adamant she doesn’t want to stay over and is getting very upset at the thought.
Unfortunately dad seems to believe that I am encouraging the lack of staying so our relationship has broken down somewhat and although we have always got on this is if things go his way, he has often been quite confrontational and intimidating if he isn’t happy which is why I am finding this more difficult.
My question is do I agree with dad and say she has to stay knowing how upset she is or do I try and speak to him about how she is feeling (although he knows she doesn’t want to go and has told her she is fine). She keeps asking me if I have told him she isnt staying which I haven’t as I am nervous but also don’t believe it is right. I genuinely want to do what is best for our daughter in that she has good strong relationship with her dad but also that she feels safe and secure. I have thought about asking him to let her settle back in to school etc then try but there is the concern that the longer this goes on the less likely she is to stay.
For info she has stated that the reason she doesn’t want to stay is that she misses me and her sisters and that her dad doesn’t notice her when she is there, he is too busy with work or smooching his girlfriend (they moved in together in January) and that the son isn’t very kind to her.
Any help or comments are appreciated, thank you.