Mum asking for help....

[Ems1101]

I am a mum looking for a bit of advice, the situation does involve step parents so I hope this is ok to post here.

A bit of background to our story, I have an 8 year old daughter and do not live with her dad, I live with my husband and two daughters, dad lives with his girlfriend and her son who is 10, our 8 year old goes between the two homes and has done since she was a 4 month old baby. We have always been amicable and ensured our daughter has plenty of time with both families, extended families, friends and all important events have been shared.
During lockdown we experienced some challenging behaviour from our daughter, I had a baby in April so my anxiety was high which would have been visible and of course we were all wondering what was happening in the world as well as school and friends being removed.
One time in May daughter was with her dad she ended up being dropped at my door in tears without him waiting for me to answer (he has never done this before) as he was so angry with her, I still don’t know exactly why but ever since daughter hasn’t wanted to stay at dads, she has still spent time there but always come to sleep at her house with me (we live 5 mins apart).
When we were allowed to we took daughter to see a child psychologist as she was very low who advised daughter was showing signs of separation anxiety which has lead to depression and we have been working on a variety of things. In the last few weeks behaviour has improved and mood has lifted.
Dad has now stated daughter that as daughter is back to school, she has no choice but to go back to our regular pattern of staying every other weekend, Tuesday night and half of all holidays which is what we have done for years. The problem is that daughter is adamant she doesn’t want to stay over and is getting very upset at the thought.
Unfortunately dad seems to believe that I am encouraging the lack of staying so our relationship has broken down somewhat and although we have always got on this is if things go his way, he has often been quite confrontational and intimidating if he isn’t happy which is why I am finding this more difficult.
My question is do I agree with dad and say she has to stay knowing how upset she is or do I try and speak to him about how she is feeling (although he knows she doesn’t want to go and has told her she is fine). She keeps asking me if I have told him she isnt staying which I haven’t as I am nervous but also don’t believe it is right. I genuinely want to do what is best for our daughter in that she has good strong relationship with her dad but also that she feels safe and secure. I have thought about asking him to let her settle back in to school etc then try but there is the concern that the longer this goes on the less likely she is to stay.
For info she has stated that the reason she doesn’t want to stay is that she misses me and her sisters and that her dad doesn’t notice her when she is there, he is too busy with work or smooching his girlfriend (they moved in together in January) and that the son isn’t very kind to her.
Any help or comments are appreciated, thank you.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. It also sounds like you are a bit intimidated by your ex and haven’t got to the bottom of why she was dropped off crying but then you haven taken her to a child psychologist.?. might be best for you, your ex and your daughter to have a gentle but frank discussion as to why she is reluctant to stay. Has something bad happened with the son there? I agree with others she shouldn’t be forced to stay but she also shouldn’t dictate

@Notapheasantplucker

The first thing I'd be doing is finding out why he dropped her home crying at the door on her own!?

Are you not concerned as to what's happened?

I'd be furious if my children's dad did that.

I have asked him and he said that she wasnt prepared to go on a family walk and made the day difficult and spoilt what he had planned. So just as a PP has said she basically didn't dance to his tune and he can't handle it. I have told him if he ever does that again to her then she will not be coming again.

@Sunflower1970

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. It also sounds like you are a bit intimidated by your ex and haven’t got to the bottom of why she was dropped off crying but then you haven taken her to a child psychologist.?. might be best for you, your ex and your daughter to have a gentle but frank discussion as to why she is reluctant to stay. Has something bad happened with the son there? I agree with others she shouldn’t be forced to stay but she also shouldn’t dictate

You are right, I am and always have felt intimidated and I know I need to grow a set and look out for her best interests. I have spoken with him and we are going to sit down and discuss things and have also arranged the first mediation session.

@Hopefulhen

He dropped her back at your house, i.e. rejected her, because her feelings and emotions were inconvenient? No wonder she’s not keen to stay with him any more, the trust is gone. Would you consider leaving her at her fathers door because you had a disagreement? Of course not. IMO a lot of father-daughter relationships break down at this age because the man just cannot accept that his daughter has her own opinions and he needs to be considerate of her feelings. He’s being heavy handed by just insisting that your DD must obey the previous plan without him addressing her concerns.

Exactly this, she has always towed the line and done as he wanted, now her having an opinion doesn't seem to suit him much. She isn't trying to be difficult I don't think, she just has her own thoughts and they are not always the same as his.

@Festivalgirl83

I feel for you as we have the same situation here with my DD and her Dad. She doesnt want to visit and spends her time messaging me to come and get her. My DD is also very anxious and we have see a psychologist too but only via zoom which isnt that helpful at the moment 😔

Sorry you are going through something similar? Is so hard and stressful. I feel so torn as to what the right thing to do. Children shouldn't dictate as we know what is best, however when you see obvious distress what do you do? 🙁

@Lucy1981k

I do agree that daughters feelings should be taken into consideration somewhat but I also feel that it isn’t really her right to dictate.

Her father has a responsibility to parent her and as long as she is safe and looked after then I think it’s a bit tough and she needs to learn to get on with it.

He is her father whether she likes it or not. It’s sounds like she may be playing parents off here and choosing the home where she gets the best deal.

I’d also be careful not to give too much attention to her woes at her dads. Children can be very manipulative sometimes and if they are getting the attention and outcome they desire they will try it on.

I say this as a mother who dealt with similar a few years back.

This is something o have considered which is probably why I feel so torn. I do not feel she would be dictating either.

We do early bedtimes, she doesn't have a sweets or things bought. Homework is done, she does chores etc, stepdad is strict with both the toddler and 8 year old so it's no picnic at ours.

She is very willing to see her dad and family etc she just doesn't want to sleep there. She will spend all weekend there but wants to be with me to sleep. Would you say this is something I should support or enforce happens?

I do not pay too much attention to what she says happens at dads as a) I am not there and these situations need to be dealt with by dad and girlfriend, I am conscious not to get too involved in what happens there unless it is a safeguarding thing. b) we know children can elaborate things to suit their wishes.

Thank you for sharing your side of things .