Moving in together and it’s going terribly wrong

[Joliv123]

Hi I hope you can give me some good advice , I’ve been with my partner for 2.5 years , last year we bought an old barn and have renovated it , throughout lock down I have lived here with him and my daughter has lived in my house with her boyfriend , she is 19 , my house is on the market and the chain has broken three times but hopefully we will complete in around 3 weeks. Financially it’s been hard and all the money is tidied up to pay off the loans for the barn , anyway my daughter and I packed all the things fromour house on Friday and she moved in , the relationship with my dd and partner has been fine, he has a ds from his long marriage of 35 years , his ds is 30 , so the way I patent my dd and the way he has parented in the past are different , the thing which has sent massive alarm bells is that he stayed out of the way most of Monday cutting the grass Ect and then when my ds and her boyfriend left the house he stopped the lad and very sternly said there are rules here, don’t ignore me , say hello and goodbye Ect, my daughter was mortified she had been polite , tidying up stuff herself the boyfriend who isn’t massively confident was talking to me , but my partner really got it wrong in my opinion , so after they had left I told him I was mortified by what he had said , that they wouldn’t feel welcome and she had really been struggling with the move, we are now 30 minutes from her friends , so last night I got them to talk of through , which I think made it worse she said she thought the way he behaved was rude , he said he thought the way she behaved was rude , she left the room and went to her bedroom in tears, he was also
Upset , but I am really upset I want us all to get along, I think there is some other stresses due to loss of work brought on with Covid that are making this situation into something which is so unexpected and out of character, but I saw a side of him I didn’t recognise or like, my concern is when my house completes at the end of the month do I put my money into the barn and hopefor the best or run ?

Red flag for me, especially if as adults you have discussed it and its it's no been resolved.
Your DP was really rude and it must have been humiliating for your DD and her DBF.
Most of us are careful what we say to others as we dont like to offend.
The fact that he stayed out of their way suggests he doesn't like / doesn't want them there / maybe resents your DD moving in and doesn't want her DBF there either.
Him saying there are rules (who says that?) suggests that there are going to be more rules going forward and you may find yourself the recipient of the rules.
I feel sorry for your DD, how uncomfortable must she feel, it may end up instead of being her home it will be your DP's house and rules.
I'm risk adverse so I'd probably take my house of the market as this one incident would worry me.
Good luck and let us know how it works out

Could your daughter and her boyfriend not buy or rent somewhere together

If I were you I would live with your dd until she is ready to leave home, your partner clearly isn't trying to make her feel welcome there.

Op - to be honest I'm on the fence about this one.
On the one hand I see your dp's behaviour as a red flag but on the other hand I'd be curious to know how moving in together was discussed between you & what his expectations were.
Is there a chance that he thought your dd & her dbf would be getting their own place? Is there a chance that he thought your dd would be moving in with you guys alone & now he has to contend with a 4th adult in his house? Does your daughter support herself or do you? If her dbf is staying with you does he contribute? Two extra adults in a house can massively change the bills & maybe your dp is worried about being expected to support them?
If all this wasn't clearly ironed out then he could be mightily fed up that the new home he thought he was getting with his partner now seems to be coming with two extra people?

I can't see how it will work having your DD and her boyfriend living with you. That's just too hard for everyone.

Was it agreed from the start that they would both be living with you?

I don't think he was wrong to expect someone living with him to acknowledge him although he could have possibly gone about it a bit better from what you have said. The boyfriend needs to make at least polite small talk if he is to live with you both.

You say job losses are an issue, who's jobs and does this mean that your BF is now supporting two adults?

Hi , thanks for comments received , my daughter has just finished college and trying to get work , her boyfriend doesn’t live with us just stayed the night, they have been going out together for 2 years so not just a casual thing , it was always the intention for my daughter to live with us , she was dead against it at first but has come round to it now, my partners business has gone under due to lack of trade due to Covid , he has been through a tough few months and think it has effected him terribly , I think really his manner wasn’t right but the intention was good he wants to feel like the daughter and boyfriend communicate more with us , but I fear his outburst will have opposite effect

He acted like a complete dick.

I’m assuming everything was discussed and agreed though? About her moving in and the boyfriend staying over etc?

I'm not sure screwing him over financially sits right with me over one falling out in the middle of a high pressure situation.

House moving has been stressful, his business has just sunk, your daughter isn't working. That's a lot of pressure on you all. Do you have a mortgage? Who is paying that if you're the only person working? Is the expectation that your daughter will pay rent when she's working? How often is the bf sleeping over?

It wasn't ok to talk to her like that, but if there's been no other red flags in 3 years and you're willing to break up with him over this, to is not a great sign

Sounds to me like he just misjudged the situation perhaps cos of being a bit out of touch / old fashioned? Also sounds like he's overly concerned with respect / authority and may struggle to apologise to your DD and her boyfriend. If he can swallow his pride and apologise I'd say carry on as normal, otherwise it's a red flag.

So the boyfriend totally ignored your dp, not even saying hello? Tbh I'd regard that as pretty rude.

Though the way your dp brought it up and blamed your dd was pretty shit.

Hi I think you have got the nail on the head , he’s a great person , he’s hard working and struggling , we are all stressed and he is a bit old fashioned , his son is successful and 30 has his own house Ect , I have a good job and have always provided for myself and my daughter , I think I’ll see how this plays out , I am cautious because this has happened before in another relationship and probably being overly dramatic that his behaviour has changed because I have moved in , he did speak down to them in a away that wasn’t what they are used to but I understand his intentions and they were good, trying to put in place expectations at the start , but actually I had spoken to my daughter previously about how we want to get along and she was fine with that , so not really needing to lay down the law

His business has gone under? To be honest I wouldn’t want to get financially entangled with someone whose behaviour I was questioning, who might also be about to hit the skids career wise. This has got disaster written all over it.

"There are rules here"
There should only be rules here if the 2 of you have discussed and mutually agreed upon them. If that were not the case, he should have said " I have rules here. " Absent discussion and mutual agreement, there are no rules. There is only a situation wherein one person is imposing there opinion and expectation.

Are you in a position to buy him out of the property? As you are not married, it might be better to be the sole owner of the property. He could continue to pay the equivalent of a normal shared rent, but he would retain neither ownership not mortgage obligation. Renters do not acquire any ownership or equity position but neither do they have any financial indebtedness for the property.

You can continue your relationship but not be financially tied to him should the relationship not work out as anticipated.

His expectations sound like simple basic courtesy, but his way of handling the matter was troubling.

You are all facing changes and challenges that may be difficult . He may be concerned about his ability to meet his share of the recently acquired financial obligation given the downturn in his business.

If you anticipate that the 3 or 4 of you may need to share space for a bit of time, you may need to set up some mutually agreed upon cohabitation terms. Adults in a roommate situation do this a!l of the time.

Given the significant nature of the environmental and financial changes that you and your partner are experiencing, it might be helpful for the 2 of you to speak with a financial planner and a family counselor to sort your future plans and goals.

If your daughter's boyfriend is so painfully shy that he can't even say hello or goodbye to his host then he shouldn't be staying in the house. I'd be pissed off too and you sound like you're siding with your daughter in thinking that a quick acknowledgement is too much to ask.

I'm not sure whether you and your DP are compatible enough in your shared values in order to live together without conflict.

I would be exactly the same as your partner, an adult stays in my house then they are very definitely expected to be courteous - with a minimum hello and goodbye. And tbh, I’d expect it with my teens too.

Like a previous poster I'm on the fence, I can see it from both sides.

I think it's you and your DP who need to talk though. Rules need to be agreed by both of you not laid down by him because he knows better than you.

I mean how many of us stepmothers would feel entitled to pull rank on the kids dad's and announce new house rules?

Having said that if it is out of character then I wouldn't be unduly alarmed. He is possibly very stressed himself that he feels he is getting into a situation and he doesn't understand his place there. I wish I had set expectations clearer of where I fitted in at the beginning with my partner.

I think if the two of you are the couple and you own the property together it is important for the two of you to discuss what sort of home you want - it's not on for you to just expect him to mince around what the pattern has been with your daughter (I'm not saying this is what has happened here and am aware I am projecting based on my own experiences). Equally, if he is coming to the table with an attitude of "those young people need to shape up and I'm just the man to do it" then I would pull back now.

In short, either you are in it together or you're not. I don't know if I explained that very well.

The way you talk about your daughter is like she’s 9 not 19! She’s an adult now, she doesn’t need to be parented. If she misses living by her friends she can just move to live by them. Also the boyfriend needs to at least say hello, he was really rude to expect to stay the night a few times a week in someone’s house, eating their food, using their hot water etc but not even say hello to the house owner? I wouldn’t want to own and put so much work into a house to have another person stay over and not even a knowledge me.

Your DP sounds really rude to me, OP.
Is he always so unpleasant?

throughout lock down I have lived here with him and my daughter has lived in my house with her boyfriend......on Friday she moved in..... her boyfriend doesn’t live with us just stayed the night

So within a day or so of her moving into her 'new home' her boyfriend stayed the night?
Did your DP agree to this as well or was it just you?

Your DP may have been rude.....however, your Dd was very rude to have her boyfriend staying over the night literally as soon as she'd moved in.
Will this be a regular thing?
Is your DP expected to tolerate the boyfriend staying over like a regular fixture?

I would be mightily pissed off if my dp's child behaved like this when they hadn't even got round to doing housework/pitching in with what still needs doing.
As for her bf - why doesn't he have basic manners?

OP - I think your partner was rude in the way he approached the situation, is this is out of character behaviour for him? Has he acknowledged that he didn’t handle it well? If it is out of character behaviour maybe the work/financial stress has got on top of him and he’s taken it out on them.

I have to say though I do no how he feels as my ss has a gf who’s shy and barely speaks to us, if you don’t agree early on some sort of rules about the amount of nights your dd bf can stop over you will end up regretting it as we have. Everybody needs to feel comfortable in their own home and you need to find a balance that suits everyone.

I would not want my dps 19 year old moving in my home which i did up with their boyfriend. That is his home. She has left home.

TBH I’d run. Or at least try to slow down your sale to give you some thinking time. This isn’t going to work unless everybody is happy

'There are rules here' -?!

What, HIS rules?

There would indeed be some laying down of the law here - and he'd be the one receiving the instructions.

He acted like a boorish, bossy, chauvinistic twat.

No, I wouldn't be putting my money in to a house with a man who seems to like throwing his unpleasant weight around with other people the second he can.