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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Disrespectful and nasty stepchildren

30 replies

French78 · 27/08/2020 22:15

I am a step mum to two boys 12/14 since they were 3/5 the eldest is so disrespectful and nasty to me and it’s all my fault never his, his dad has spoken to him but then he threatens to not come down or says his dad is taking my dude and is scared of me, it is now causing Hugh problems and my husband is concerned they will not come down I also feel like they gang up on me I do a lot for them and feel angry and hate them coming down. The boys mum had always been awful to me and never wanted to meet me and I have tried to meet her as I felt it was important. I know I should step back and let their dad deal with it but I find it hard when they are in my home. I don’t ado fit much off them just to be respectful and polite to me. It is making me ill now and don’t know how much more I can take, any advise would be great

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2020 22:20

You need to take a complete step back. They come to see their dad, what are you doing for them? He needs to pull them up on rudeness and tackle any bad behaviour.

Geppili · 27/08/2020 22:29

12 and 14 are difficult ages. My two turned from cherubs into grunting demanding teens almost overnight. But my two haven't experienced divorce. I had when I was a teen and I bitterly resented my stepfather. My feelings were so conflicted and I felt powerless. Do you think they see you as the reason their parents separated?

I would step right back and get your DH to spend lots and lots of one on one time with them. Lower your expectations and withdraw a bit.

Geppili · 27/08/2020 22:30

If either one of their parents betrayed the other, then they are damaged and need support.

Geppili · 27/08/2020 22:34

Also your thread title is quite revealing. Do you have DC of your own? A basic rule of thumb for modern parenting/living in modern society is not to label people or kids as you have. They are not 'nasty' and 'disrespectful', their behaviour is. Do you understand the importance of that distinction when thinking about them?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2020 22:39

@Geppili

If either one of their parents betrayed the other, then they are damaged and need support.
From their parents.

OP doesn’t have the unconditional love for them that parents have which gets them through the teenage years. OP is overextending herself and making herself feel ill by doing a lot for two unpleasant ungrateful adolescents. She’s entitled to take a step back from the shit work if by putting herself out less means she feels less disappointed and hurt to experience rude behaviour in return. Dating or marrying a parent doesn’t give you superpowers which enable you to give and give with little or no return.

Geppili · 27/08/2020 22:51

Annelovesgilbert Agreed.

Ibizafun · 27/08/2020 23:32

Geppili the op has described her husband’s children as disrespectful. That THEY are disrespectful, not their ‘behaviour’!

Mintjulia · 27/08/2020 23:49

Op, you need to step back and let their dad sort them out. If they won't be polite to you, they are old enough to make their own breakfasts, do their own washing up. It isn't your problem.

One thing. Their mum has made it clear she doesn't wish to meet you, as she is entitled. You need to accept that.

Geppili · 28/08/2020 00:33

Ibizafun I disagree with you. She has defined them not their behaviour with negative words. That doesn't sum up their characters or the context in which they find themselves living. We have a very narrow view about these kids so far, and it is purely OP's view. They have no voice on this thread and very little in the way their lives are being managed. They are behaving like this in order to try to have some power in a situation where their parents are clearly divided, inconsistent and complacent. OP's DH clearly needs to step up. I'd be interested to know if Op would describe them as 'nasty stepchildren to their father.

Geppili · 28/08/2020 00:35

Op has it always been like this?

Original poster
French78 · 28/08/2020 07:32

I do all the cooking cleaning and buy most of their clothes If I see they need anything, you are right I do need to pull back but I find it hard to ignore their behaviour as when I ask my husband to deal with it they say I’m telling tales on them I can’t win!

OP posts:
Original poster
French78 · 28/08/2020 07:38

I have called their behaviour nasty to their father and he agreed with me, sorry in my first post I should of said their behaviour not them as sometimes they can be fine

OP posts:
Original poster
French78 · 28/08/2020 07:40

No I alway had to put up with their mums behaviour and the eldest has always been a bit difficult but only the last year or two it had got worse and I know a lot of it is them growing up, but lack of respect and being polite is not asking too much

OP posts:
ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 28/08/2020 07:42

If your dh won't do anything then this is your life for the next 5+ years.

MyGodImSoYoung · 28/08/2020 07:47

@Geppili I really feel like you are focusing on the wrong thing here. Step parents are allowed to rant and get pissed off and upset, just like anyone else. If a parent described their own children as nasty and disrespectful, other parents would rally around them in support. When a step parent feels like crap because of the ways their step children act, they are expected to suck it up and move on.

To the OP, the children are nasty and disrespectful. The behaviours show it, but they are choosing to act that way. I don't think the OP would insist that they are horrendous children all of the time, but when someone comes onto this site, they don't have to display a well rounded picture. She wants advice relating to the poor attitudes towards her, not how to cope with them being nice.

For what it is worth, I have two step children and I would say that one of them is often nasty and disrespectful towards me. It is her decision to act that way, not a behaviour that accidentally slipped out so we must brush it under the carpet. And I do tell my OH that she is nasty. He needs to know so he can deal with it.

Chucklecheeks01 · 28/08/2020 08:31

All these children let down by their parents and then blamed for the consequences. Its sad.

Minimumstandard · 28/08/2020 09:08

They're treating you like the household skivvy...Your role is essentially menial - to run after them and slave for them, but not deserving of their respect. You need to put a stop to this.

In your shoes, I would withdraw completely from the relationship for a little bit. Stop cooking and cleaning, order takeout for yourself when they come or make yourself a snack, have an early night or watch TV in your room, go and visit friends or family. Leave them for your DH to deal with and make it crystal-clear to him that he needs to clean up after his DC if they won't clean up after themselves because they're certainly not going to leave your house a tip. Stop buying things for them - does your DH give you that money back?

Hopefully in time when your DH has taken responsibility for the boys and their behaviour, you will be able to rebuild a more respectful relationship with them. Until then, I would simply minimise the relationship as much as possible.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2020 09:08

Stop cooking for them, at their ages their dad should be teaching them how to make simple meals if he hasn’t already, likewise stripping and changing beds, cleaning, tidying and washing.

What’s the split of housework currently between you and your DP/DH? Is he pulling his weight?

Stop buying them stuff! He must have managed before you came along to do everything for them and he’d have to again if you broke up. If they need things they can discuss it with their dad and he can sort it.

Why are they ever going to treat you better if they can be rude and ungrateful and you carry on running yourself ragged doing everything for them? They won’t. Obviously.

Step right back. Today.

He has no right to expect you to do more parenting than he is while sucking up bad attitude. It’s not your job to care more than he does.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2020 09:09

@Chucklecheeks01

All these children let down by their parents and then blamed for the consequences. Its sad.
How does that help OP?
stepmumSW5 · 28/08/2020 09:15

[quote MyGodImSoYoung]@Geppili I really feel like you are focusing on the wrong thing here. Step parents are allowed to rant and get pissed off and upset, just like anyone else. If a parent described their own children as nasty and disrespectful, other parents would rally around them in support. When a step parent feels like crap because of the ways their step children act, they are expected to suck it up and move on.

To the OP, the children are nasty and disrespectful. The behaviours show it, but they are choosing to act that way. I don't think the OP would insist that they are horrendous children all of the time, but when someone comes onto this site, they don't have to display a well rounded picture. She wants advice relating to the poor attitudes towards her, not how to cope with them being nice.

For what it is worth, I have two step children and I would say that one of them is often nasty and disrespectful towards me. It is her decision to act that way, not a behaviour that accidentally slipped out so we must brush it under the carpet. And I do tell my OH that she is nasty. He needs to know so he can deal with it.[/quote]
Amen to this

AiryFairyMum · 28/08/2020 09:20

What is the wider situation? Do they blame you for their parents' divorce?

Minimumstandard · 28/08/2020 09:21

He has no right to expect you to do more parenting than he is while sucking up bad attitude. It’s not your job to care more than he does.

This. The sad thing is that, unless both parents give you "permission" to parent their DC (and back you up appropriately), there's really only two things you as a non-parent can do if the children behave badly. The first is complain to their parents and leave them to sort it. The second, if that doesn't work, is to withdraw as much as you can from the relationship.

stepmumSW5 · 28/08/2020 09:23

@French78 hi OP

When I felt similar things I took a step back and let dad deal with his child. He then realised how difficult the DC was being without me having to say anything at all. He spent more time with DC and saw that he needed to change his behavior with the kid (he was spoiling DC and giving dc no limits whatsoever). I took time for myself, had more manicures and watched more netflix. It took a few weeks for things to go to a much better place and I'm happy I did it that way. My DH was very grateful for it later on when he realized how patient I had been. However this was at the beginning of our relationship. Nowadays my DH always backs me up and he himself gives the child limits etc. Do you think the dc are resenting you for their parents split?

Silentplikebath · 28/08/2020 14:37

You need to detach from your stepchildren until they can be respectful towards you.

Can you be out when they next visit? Stop doing anything for them. You need and deserve a break from the bad behaviour. It sounds like your DH can deal with them and is supportive towards you so let him take over.

thefourgp · 28/08/2020 14:53

Does your husband do any cooking and cleaning? How often do they stay and what does he do with them when they visit? I agree with the others who say you need to step back and let him fully parent his children including all the grunt work.