Disrespectful and nasty stepchildren

[French78]

I am a step mum to two boys 12/14 since they were 3/5 the eldest is so disrespectful and nasty to me and it’s all my fault never his, his dad has spoken to him but then he threatens to not come down or says his dad is taking my dude and is scared of me, it is now causing Hugh problems and my husband is concerned they will not come down I also feel like they gang up on me I do a lot for them and feel angry and hate them coming down. The boys mum had always been awful to me and never wanted to meet me and I have tried to meet her as I felt it was important. I know I should step back and let their dad deal with it but I find it hard when they are in my home. I don’t ado fit much off them just to be respectful and polite to me. It is making me ill now and don’t know how much more I can take, any advise would be great

Quite simply they are not welcome in your home until they learnt to appreciate and respect you. He can see them elsewhere until he sorts it. Secondly I’m always suspicious of any BM who doesn’t wish to communicate with their children’s SM. It’s really odd. Who doesn’t want to meet the woman who will be sharing the parenting of your children?!?

Also all children can be described as nasty little shits if thats what they act like. But remember SM’s you can’t say that about SC, you must take all the shit they throw at you without complaint and smile.

Are you not repulsed by such a deadbeat of a father? How can you respect or fancy a man who refuses to provide basic parenting duties for his kids? (Questions to ask yourself, not for my benefit.) obviously you should not be providing nanny, housekeeping and catering duties and keeping an eye on clothing to buy more, etc. They are there to have contact with their father, he must parent them, cook and clean, teach them basic life skills etc. himself, it’s not your place and you can see no one appreciates you or respects you for it, so opt out entirely, enjoy a book, internet, movies in your room, go out, leave the kids to have their parent to themselves.

Tell your DH you'll be stepping back from doing things to see if that helps, d you also do not want them to stop coming over...but perhaps you being less involved will bring about a change in their behaviour.

Just keep to simple pleasantries and they're should be little room for contention or interaction.

Their parents can buy what they need surely.... I'd never leave it that my child's SM noticed they needed something that I hadn't bought.

@Minimumstandard

They're treating you like the household skivvy...Your role is essentially menial - to run after them and slave for them, but not deserving of their respect. You need to put a stop to this.

In your shoes, I would withdraw completely from the relationship for a little bit. Stop cooking and cleaning, order takeout for yourself when they come or make yourself a snack, have an early night or watch TV in your room, go and visit friends or family. Leave them for your DH to deal with and make it crystal-clear to him that he needs to clean up after his DC if they won't clean up after themselves because they're certainly not going to leave your house a tip. Stop buying things for them - does your DH give you that money back?

Hopefully in time when your DH has taken responsibility for the boys and their behaviour, you will be able to rebuild a more respectful relationship with them. Until then, I would simply minimise the relationship as much as possible.

I would do this, too.

Plan some things for yourself and line up some great movies to watch in your bedroom.

Be polite and welcoming and stand up to any rudeness but don’t lift a finger. Don’t shop for the food or cook it. Tell DH you’re taking some time out because of the way they treat you and he needs to organise everything. Hopefully that will make him think.