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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Miscommunication!!-i think i messed up! Help!

43 replies

stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 18:36

I am a step parent to a young child in a same sex lesbian relationship (although my partner is not a lesbian her child is from a previous relationship - absent father.) We had a disagreement where she became annoyed that i asked her to give me a lift to take my dog to the vets. She also said that i am always asking her for lifts to go places.
My counter argument was that i have her daughter -who i absolutely adore and always say i treat her as my own. (I really really do love her so much!) I have her 4-5 days of the week at home in the evenings while she works. So yeah i said i have her though and dont complain all the time so it is a bit of give and take and she shouldnt vcomplain about having to take my dogs to the vet when i do this.

I actually didnt mean it like that my argument was we do things for each other but i dont feel like im allowed to say i put in the time and effort to do things even if it inconvenient for me. As you can imagine she has now skipped going into work this evening because she said im holding it against her. She said its taken time to get used to the idea of us doing it together and now ive thrown it in her face. Ive worked so hard in this relationship to get her to trust us and me as a parent. I think i've gone and messed it up. Any mums on here that can help me out. It isn't what i meant and i dont know how to put it right but i'm worried the damage has been done!! Is this out of order for me to bring this up?

OP posts:
Chezacheza · 20/08/2020 18:41

Your first bit I’d a bit confusing.

Are you a woman in a lesbian relationship with some one who has a child that you look after in the evenings?

Regardless what sex any of you are - your partner is being immature and and sit back and say nothing. If they don’t go to work that’s their issue. You didn’t ask them not to go. She is trying to make you feel guilty for bringing up a very valid point.

Also can you learn how to drive?

Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 18:54

Sorry yes I am a girl too. We live together in a house we bought together. You think I didnt over step a line by saying that? I know she already feels guilty for leaving her to work but now she said it's like I am doing her some massive favour when we are meant to be doing it together. I just think she has taken it the wrong way.

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 20/08/2020 18:57

No I don't think you over stepped the mark. All relationships are about give and take. Her dc come as part of the package, the same as your dog comes as part of your package. I think she's being immature and selfish with her reaction.

ButterflyWitch · 20/08/2020 19:03

I'm missing the main point but don't understand how you can be a lesbian in a same sex relationship but your partner isn't a lesbian?

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2020 19:09

No you didn't overstep the mark, your point was completely valid and she should be grateful for what you do for her and her child.

Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 19:10

@ButterflyWitch she is bi sexual. The rainbow has many different colours! I identify as lesbian. If she was with a man it would be a hetro sexual relationship even though sheis bi sexual with a woman it is a homosexual relationship even though she is bi sexual

OP posts:
lunar1 · 20/08/2020 19:12

I don't think you overstepped, you are doing a massive favour looking after her daughter so much, and as you said, relationships are give and take. She can't have it all one way.

Even if you are more than happy providing so much child care, she shouldn't take it for granted. She sounds like she's being over dramatic.

lunar1 · 20/08/2020 19:13

I can't believe posters need it explaining that bisexual women exist. 🤦🏻‍♀️

ButterflyWitch · 20/08/2020 19:22

Sorry, hope I didn't cause any offence. Genuinely couldn't figure out what you meant. Thanks for clarification.

Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 19:23

@lunar1 Its always better to ask than not understand! Smile

Thanks guys its good to have a different perspective from other parents. She told me to fuck off when i brought it up with her so i actually thought i was really in the wrong and was just looking for tips to put it right but this has made me look at it differently! She does have alot of anxiety in general and im wondering if its more to do with this too. I will book driving lessons! It wil probably help but ironically its about trying to fit this in with child care and work!

OP posts:
Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 19:25

@ButterflyWitch no offense taken like i said always better to ask than not understand! Smile

OP posts:
Chezacheza · 20/08/2020 19:25

I don’t think you over stepped the mark at all.

She is cutting her nose of to spite her face by not going work. There not your problem. I wonder if she does the same the next time she is due in? Doubt it.

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 20/08/2020 19:28

It's not a lesbian relationship if one of you is bi. Its a same-sex relationship. For it to be a lesbian relationship, she'd need to be a lesbian.

Bi-erasure at it's finest. The call is coming from inside the house.

Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 19:34

OMG it is easier to say we are in a lesbian relationship. Get off my thread you idiot. I know lets make this thread about LGBTQ+ politics instead of what i was actually posting for. F off and get a grip. bi erasure at its finest. I actually identify as bi sexual too but its easier to because some people dont understand and get caught up in labels to put lesbian down instead. Not here for it mate get back on your cancelculture band wagon and do one please @Sayitagainwhydontyou

OP posts:
Sayitagainwhydontyou · 20/08/2020 19:38

@stepstostepping you sound deeply confused. Are you by any chance very young?

Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 19:43

@Sayitagainwhydontyou yeah I'm really young and naive...deeply deeply confused. IGrin why are you just trolling peoples problems??

OP posts:
Chezacheza · 20/08/2020 19:44

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

It's not a lesbian relationship if one of you is bi. Its a same-sex relationship. For it to be a lesbian relationship, she'd need to be a lesbian.

Bi-erasure at it's finest. The call is coming from inside the house.

Oh piss off!
Chezacheza · 20/08/2020 19:53

OP don’t let them derail your thread.

I regularly list off all the shit I do for dh to make him aware of all the stuff I do for him when he pulls a face because I’ve asked him to drop me off for drinks with friends.

I wouldn’t back down if I was you.

Tiredoftattler · 20/08/2020 19:53

Is it at all possible that she does not want the dog in her car? This may sound a bit crazy, but as fond as I am of the kids' dog, I will not transport him to the vet in my car. My husband takes him to the vet in his car, and to me it smells of dog even after detailing.

When it is my turn to take him to the vet, I use the animal transport for pick up and delivery.

I do not have many quirks , but I do not like the dog smell in a car. Also, I won't let anyone eat or drink in my car . I am not a person who cares about makes or models of cars, but for some reason I am sensitive to scents in a car.

My husband and kids joke about my sensitivity , but I really do hate to be in a confined space with certain scents.

Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 20:18

@Chezacheza thank you!! I wont back down now thanks again everyone taking the time posting helpful feedback much appreciated

OP posts:
Giespeace · 20/08/2020 21:01

I’ve been a regular on the SP board for a few years now and there’s definitely a school of thought that says the SPs should be unfailingly giving of their love/time/money at all times and should always remember just how lucky they are to be allowed to breathe the same air as their SDC.
I wonder if your partner has been to that school of thought and is taking you for granted. Instead of a give and take partnership, in her head she’s a mother and therefore set a little bit above you in the relationship.

Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 22:15

@Giespeace yeah I mean I agree that it's always a complete privilege to be apart of a child's life in whatever capacity but I think I may be being taken for granted a little as it's been a thing that's been said in the past even by her own admission.

OP posts:
Teenytinyvoice · 20/08/2020 22:22

If the father is absent, do you co-parent or are you clearly a step parent?

If my co-parent said I had to do a specific thing for them because they had the kids (while I was working and contributing to household finances) it might put my back up.

If they didn’t drive you, what are the options? I other half often expects lifts to the station when it’s not always convenient and there is a perfectly good bus.

I’m not saying you are wrong, I’m just not sure it is as clear cut as others are making it!

Original poster
stepstostepping · 20/08/2020 23:17

Thanks for this. I really was expecting more of this kind of perspective to be honest. I'm more looked at as a step parent but I guess I am co parenting really. I attend parents evenings I buy school clothes and food I buy things that she needs and things she doesnt! We painted and decorated our house that we bought together and it was mainly for the little one, evening moving to be close to a good school! Its things like she says shes only just got used to the fact that we are in this together and now I'm holding it against her. Another perspective is what I need! Someone to explain why she has reacted like this. I actually think its blown out of proportion now and shes gone to bed without even saying night Confused

OP posts:
reindeesandchristmastrees · 21/08/2020 07:43

I'm not sure it matters whether you see yourself as SP or a co-parent. I am a step parent to my now grown up SS and I've always bought lots of things for him and have often a better relationship with him than he has with his dad.
The child is not yours - you may love her to bits but if the relationship failed would you then continue to co-parent or would your partner and you live separately and the child live with her? I presume the latter.

You do a lot for your partner and her child and whilst you don't mind doing it and it is done for love that doesn't take away from the fact that a relationship expects give and take on both sides. For whatever reason she didn't want to take you and the dog to the vets and her behaviour has now blown up in both your faces.

This is not all of your fault for pointing out what you do for her - I don't know how you voiced this but things that are said in the heat of the moment often are more hurtful and it looks like she thinks you were complaining and is staying at home to look after the child.

I think you need to sit down and talk about how you both feel. Good luck