Miscommunication!!-i think i messed up! Help!

[stepstostepping]

I am a step parent to a young child in a same sex lesbian relationship (although my partner is not a lesbian her child is from a previous relationship - absent father.) We had a disagreement where she became annoyed that i asked her to give me a lift to take my dog to the vets. She also said that i am always asking her for lifts to go places.
My counter argument was that i have her daughter -who i absolutely adore and always say i treat her as my own. (I really really do love her so much!) I have her 4-5 days of the week at home in the evenings while she works. So yeah i said i have her though and dont complain all the time so it is a bit of give and take and she shouldnt vcomplain about having to take my dogs to the vet when i do this.

I actually didnt mean it like that my argument was we do things for each other but i dont feel like im allowed to say i put in the time and effort to do things even if it inconvenient for me. As you can imagine she has now skipped going into work this evening because she said im holding it against her. She said its taken time to get used to the idea of us doing it together and now ive thrown it in her face. Ive worked so hard in this relationship to get her to trust us and me as a parent. I think i've gone and messed it up. Any mums on here that can help me out. It isn't what i meant and i dont know how to put it right but i'm worried the damage has been done!! Is this out of order for me to bring this up?

I think she's being unreasonable - you can't be in it together when it's her DC and then you're always asking for favours when it's your DDog or needing to go somewhere. Either you are in it together (as in she is also in it giving, not just taking) or you're not.
I factually think she sounds a bit immature and selfish. How is she with everything else? Is she willing to give to you in other areas or does she just expect you to support her but sort your own problems out?

Surely coparents are ex partners/spouses. If you don’t adopt her OP you’re a step parent.

You didn’t do anything wrong at all. She doesn’t sound like she appreciates what you do for her and her child. And it is her child. Don’t forget if you split up you have no rights to ever see your SD again.

I suspect she told you to fuck off because she either knows she’s taking the piss and is defensive about being asked to acknowledge what you’re putting into the relationship/family unit, or, worse, she really thinks it’s your job to do what she wants and have to right to anything you need - a lift with the dog.

What happens if someone asks to meet up with you one evening when your partner is working and you’re meant to have your SD?

How’s the rest of your relationship? Does she regularly tell you to fuck off?

If my husband said that to me because I needed a lift somewhere and mentioned how much childcare I was doing which made his life easier we’d be having serious words. I help on my terms. Being a step parent doesn’t make you default babysitter. He coped perfectly well before we met, he’d do so again if I wasn’t around. He’s incredibly grateful for everything I do for him and his kids and if that stopped being the case he’d find the help quickly disappeared.

As an example DH will take Dcats to the vet and I will take DSS to school because once we moved in together and became a family, there was no more 'my' and 'his' just our family. This was before we got married so it's not to do with the marriage but the idea to share our lives together.

Um, how can you be in a same sex relationship if your “partner” is not a lesbian? .

@lunar1

I can't believe posters need it explaining that bisexual women exist. 🤦🏻‍♀️

If the OP had just put her partner, she didnt need to put anything about their style or relationship choices. It has no relevance that they are same sex, or that the partner is bi sexual?? Thats why the confusion, I read it a couple of times!

Maybe it was a bit insensitive, but your partner has massively overreacted. Not going to work is not a good idea (especially right now with so many people having to self-isolate with a cough etc) if it comes out that she was off work just to prove a point to you she could be on a disciplinary or even fired.

Is she the type of person that has to be right at all costs?

I sometimes forget about the rampant Biphobia on MN.

Your partners reaction isn’t appropriate at all. Before moving in what conversations did you have as a couple about childcare, shared responsibilities etc. Do you think she thought you were comparing her child to a dog?

@AlternativePerspective

Um, how can you be in a same sex relationship if your “partner” is not a lesbian? .

Because they're both the same sex. So it's a same sex relationship.

Everything @AnneLovesGilbert says in her last post. She's been extremely rude to you & has massively overreacted.
However I will also add that when I was seeing my exdp one of the things I initially struggled with was sharing my home with someone who wasn't the father of my kids. Depending on our life experience we often have set/inherited ideas of a typical 'happy family existence'. There would be evenings that exdp, my kids & I would have a very typical happy family evening; cooking a meal together, movie etc. & then the jolt would come when exdp would leave the next day for a weekend with his own kids. I remember one incident when my dd asked him to come watch her at an event and he had to explain that he couldn't as it was his weekend with his kids & he had to take them to a play that his niece was in. That was hard to watch and those things are a reminder that you're not a traditional family.
Maybe, & just maybe, you pointing out that you doing your dp a favour in minding her dc set off those feelings of 'we're not a proper family' - my point being that in 'proper' families it is often perceived that both parents do everything for their dc, willingly & without the need for reciprocaty & are happy to sacrifice their spare time without question. Being a single/separated parent is hard even when the other parent is around & I think in a blended situation a lot of bio parents sort of trick themselves into feeling the blended family will work the same way as a 'normal' family and then they get a shock when doesn't; when they have to face that no one is really going to feel the same way about their dc as they do. You see this on here all the time with dads assuming their partner will love and care for their previous dc as much as they or their dm does & when this doesn't happen you hear of them getting defensive & manipulative. Maybe your dp is struggling with these type of thoughts? If she is you need to know that there's nothing you can do about it; they're her expectations & she needs to learn to manage them & talk to you about them in a mature way.
I hope this makes sense - not sure I'm explaining it very well but I haven't had my coffee yet!

Do you have any friends who are step parents OP? It sounds like you are perhaps a bit naive/confused about what your role is and are at risk of being taken advantage of as a result.

You are not a coparent because you do a lot for her daughter. You are a hard done by step parent. A coparent would be an equal parent/adoptive parent. If it's her daughter and you look after her as mum's partner, then you are step parent, and it's your decision how involved you want to be. You do not have no right to complain because you already do so much you're now a "coparent". You're still not a coparent, you have every right to complain about how much you are doing, especially if it's so much you feel like you're basically her parent.

Of course if by "doing it together" you mean the dad is out of the picture and you have some sort of agreement that you are coparenting together and will have equal PR then ignore me, but I get the sense that in her view she is the mother and you are the free childcare. Don't be fooled into thinking that because you already do a lot for her, you are the child's mother and are obliged to shoulder all responsibility attached to her.

It sounds like your default is to assume you are the one in the wrong and to just bow down to what your partner says, so I would really recommend seeking out friends/groups/forums designed for step parents, so you have a stronger sense of what is (or more importantly what isn't) your responsibility don't get taken advantage of.

Nope, you didn't do anything wrong.

You're right, it's about give and take and you aren't wrong that you're doing her a favour by looking after her child so she can work. It's not for your benefit is it, it's for hers. The fact that you are happy to do it is irrelevant, it's still a favour.

Why wouldn't she just give you a lift to the vets? Is she always selfish? I can't imagine my husband ever saying no to that. We both ask for favours from each other in a relationship, we do it because we love one another and we're a team.

If she's so reluctant to help you out, I'd be equally reluctant to help her to be honest.

Hi,

I think this is more about give and take, and your sexuality is irrelevant really so not sure why some people have jumped on that!

At the end of the day, if you do so much for a child who is not yours, then I don't think it's too much for you to expect your partner to help you out with lifts etc. It sounds like she is just expecting you to do a lot of parenting and there is no 'give' on her side.

look - it sounds like she needed a replacement parent/cash cow and live in skivvy - so she could just do as she pleases.
She doesn't respect all that you do to help her......in fact she just expects you to jump to an invisible tune.

She feels it's ok to treat you disgustingly because you take it.....and question yourself instead of the person abusing you.

Got to say I was equally confused....but moving on... you didn't overstep and she sounds like she just wants you to do stuff for her.

Perhaps she felt you were comparing her child as being on a level with your dog... which i can see good it may have upset her...but I get your point.

A relationship is about give and take...you're doing a lot of giving.

You’re either a co-parent, in which case the childcare, housework, animal care etc are all in the pot together to be organised and carried out, or you’re a step-parent in which case the childcare of the child is the biological parent’s sole responsibility but obviously with help from their partner when necessary.

So if you’re a step parent and you brought the dog with you then you organise the dog.

Maybe, the 2 of you have not learned and established your own style of conflict management as a couple.

It is difficult to give you anything more than sympathy and support because on a forum you only get a snapshot taken from one point of view . Your partner might present the same scenario from an entirely different perspective.

I came to this forum because of something that my husband does that I find to be somewhat annoying and from my perspective slightly immature. I do recognize however that he may have a very different and equally valid take on the same situation.

Maybe what you 2 need is help in finding a voice and language that works for the both of you.

I am a very direct and get to the point kind of person. My husband is more introspective and needs to express his feelings kind of person. It has and is taking us time to find our common or shared language.

What we have accepted is that even though we have different modes of expression , we love each other and have shared mutual goals. Sometimes this means me having to listen more and at other times he has to be less expressive and reach the point in a more direct fashion.

We are both more concerned with getting it right father than being right.

*You’re either a co-parent, in which case the childcare, housework, animal care etc are all in the pot together to be organised and carried out, or you’re a step-parent in which case the childcare of the child is the biological parent’s sole responsibility but obviously with help from their partner when necessary.

So if you’re a step parent and you brought the dog with you then you organise the dog.*

What? This makes no sense. How about if you're a parent and you brought the child with you then you organise the child? Why does she "obviously" have to help with the child, but should take care of her own responsibilities?

Relationships are not tit for tat arrangements. Partners need to be articulate and direct in expressing their needs and expectations. Assumptions lead to confusion and conflict.

It seemed as though the OP felt that the partner should feel that reciprocity for caring for the child should include a willingness to transport the OP's dogs (plural) to the vet in her vehicle .

A different take might be that the partner should have been willing to assist the OP in getting her dogs to the vet. Perhaps this might have involved offering to help pay for a transport service to take the animals to the vet.

It is reasonable to assume that prior to their getting together both the OP and her partner managed both the child care and the animal
transport on their own.

It seems as though both parties could benefit from help with developing better communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.

I do not see either party as being wrong . I see 2 people who could both benefit from help.