Step parenting troubles

[Jm75]

Hi
I have lived with my same sex female partner for 3 years and her 10 year old daughter . I have always struggled to enjoy family time . I have really tried but find her daughter annoying , entitled , boring and immature . My partner does not see any of this and so after many arguements I just keep it all to myself now . The only way I cope is by going out .
Immunity: her mum still showers her and she screams the whole time
Tantrums over the smallest disappointment
Silly stories we all have to listen too which make no sense .... for example she announced she was making a plan which of her friends she was going to kill with her scissors as she loves scissors
Rude : laying on sofa on demands can someone get me an ice lollie I am watching t.v .
Interrupting us talking if she is not the centre
Boring : talks about nothing but silly stories that she makes up.
Wont try anything that she dosnt want to do even going for a walk
Had no interests other than t.v or minecraft
Entitled : I want new ballet shoes - no please ( just an example but she thinks she should get whatever she wants)
Went on and on about wanting a new bike . I got one for her . She rode it a couple of times and now wont use it even to go for a bike ride with us .

I sound a horrible person but I honestly have tried but I find it exhausting and draining to be around them both because she is like the above and my partner just thinks I am being horrible if I gently bring these things up.
I dread weekends and weekdays she is with us and holidays make me want to cry.

The worse is I don't know if it isn't my problem not them at all .

I have a 10 yr DD and an 11 yr DSD.

The shower thing is a bit odd at her age, most girls around 10+ start wanting privacy and are becoming aware of their changing bodies. She’ll be in her last year of primary school when she goes back in September won’t she?

The minecraft / tv obsession is totally normal. It’s annoying I agree but most kids of that age are the same with gaming or YouTube or certain tv programmes.

The demanding to get things is rude but again it’s typical kids testing their boundaries... it’s how your react that is key. If either of my girls said “get me an ice lolly” I would probably reply something like
“Firstly you lost your manners there, I’m not your maid. Secondly unless your legs magically broke when you sat down then you can get one yourself, you know where they are”.
If they ask politely I have no problem getting them a drink or snack whilst they’re relaxing.

Interrupting conversations at 10 is also indicative of a lack of manners, she’s not a small kid lacking impulse control and she needs pulling up on it. I would tolerate that from my girls.
They would firmly be told that we’re having an adult conversation and they can wait a few minutes.

The scissors thing is disturbing to be honest and not a normal thing to say.

To be honest, don’t take this the wrong way but you are not a parent and often the people who think they have the best ideas about parenting aren’t one themselves.

You have different ideas on how to raise this child but unless you and your partner agree to some ground rules regarding manners then it’ll never work.

It sounds like the damage has been done though... you don’t seem to like your SD very much and kids are more astute than we give them credit for. She will know she’s annoying you.

You’re either going to have to talk honestly to your partner and try and learn and ask for her help dealing with these issues you have, or you need to walk away.

I’ll be honest, I love my SDs but my relationship with my partner wouldn’t work if they lived with us full time.

We’ve talked about what would happen if something happened to their mum and they needed to live with their dad full time... I was honest and said I couldn’t do it. In that scenario we would sell our home and buy 2 smaller houses and live separately until such a time that my SDs were more independent.

Luckily they’re a bit older now (16 & 12) so I think we’d actually be ok. But being a full time stepparent must be really hard.

Sorry typo at the end... SDs are 16 & 11

and I meant to say I wouldn’t tolerate interruption from my girls

Thank you for your reply. Strangely my SD dosnt seem to pick up my irritation at all and constantly follows me around chatting at me and asking me to be with her .
Yes I agree that parenting styles are different but my partner and I do not agree which is actually more of the problem.
I think some of her behaviours are because she has no boundaries and is spoilt ( both parents compensate for the divorce) hence she stays immature . Some of the things are just normal I get this .
I have discussed this many times with my partner but she gets defensive and annoyed . I say I am not criticising but she needs some boundaries otherwise she will grow up rude . But she says all children are like this and as I don't have kids i don't know . However I do have kids now because for the past 3 years i am actively taking care of her daughter so i must know something by now !.

I forgot to add my SD does go and stay with her father . As you say I don't think we would have got this far if we had her all the time . Not because she is terrible but because our relationship would not have had space to grow as she dominates us all the time .
We get an hour a day ( after she has gone to bed and before i pass out asleep as I have to get up 5.30am ) to ourselves . We can not show any affection towards each other in front of her ( even a hug we wouldn't kiss in front of her anyway) or she throws a tantrum . We can not even have a full conversation without her interrupting after a few minutes .
We may get some space if she is in front of the t.v as long as we fetch her what she wants .
So if we had her full time our relationship would not have developed .
I do enjoy time with her when she is not pushing boundaries or being rude to me or her mother . She speaks to my partner so badly sometimes calling her a lier or screaming at her over nothing.
We had a sleep over last night with one of her best school friends. Her friend was so polite and even my partner commented how much more mature she was than SD . The friend dosnt want to spend time much with SD now and tends not to invite her to things . My partner thought its because she is being mean but last night saw the friend look bored ( due to silly conversations about scissors again) and impatient at my SD behaviour and my partner realised abit there is a problem .
But then my partner let them run around the house slamming doors until 1am ( mostly lead by SD) . When I got annoyed and asked my partner to tell them to go to bed now , she got angry at me saying this is what a sleep over is !. By then I was exhausted so told my partner it was not fair that we all need to sleep and she needs to set bedtime even for sleepovers . But of course now my partner is not talking to me because I am unsupportive .

You need to end this relationship.
You’re right in what you’re saying, but you won’t win this. Your partner is blinded by her child and child will always come first.
Sorry, but I think this is done.

have you thought that she may be struggling with her mums new relationship? at a young age she had a mum and dad and now she has 2 mums sort of . some kids will adapt well but others won't, i know a young girl who was bullied terribly at school because she had 2 mums , she didn't tell anyone for years because she didn't want to upset her mum xx just a thought x

I use to think it was because of us but actually all her friends and their mums don't have a problem. And she wants to spend time with us and enjoys it when we are all together .
I think other than being spoiled and rude ( which is because of over compensation by both parents) and being immature because of her parents not making her take responsibility for being naughty, then she is just a normal kid with to little boundaries .
I think the problem is my partner just wants me to put up or shut up really . If I don't I am unsupportive .

I'd say she's following you around all the time because she's trying to make you like her. She can tell she irritates you and is working hard to try and compensate.

Being a step-parent is bloody hard. You have to learn to tolerate the things that biological parents seem to cope with more easily. If you can't manage it, you should end it.

Just move out. You're not suited to living with a child, lots of people aren't and that's fine.

have you thought that she may be struggling with her mums new relationship?

I’d agree with this if she was older than 10 but it’s not a “new” relationship if OP has lived with them for 3 years, so I’m assuming they’ve been together probably a year longer than that. 4 years is nearly half that child’s life.
Sorry to be blunt but my kids don’t have a huge amount of memories before the age of 6 anyway, pandering to the notion that kids are damaged by parental splits in their very young years is what creates parental guilt and very often leads to people treating the kids like they’re made of tissue paper.
99.9% of the problems I see posted on here about people’s SCs/ blended family situations are caused by parents tip toeing around their kids.

If she was 8+ when her parents split I could see why it could be traumatic. My kids were 1 & 5 when I split with my Ex and don’t remember it at all, I know because we talk honestly and openly about things.
Now at 6 & 10 my DP has been in our lives for 5 years and they don’t remember a time he wasn’t here.

I'd say she's following you around all the time because she's trying to make you like her. She can tell she irritates you and is working hard to try and compensate

Sadly I’m inclined to agree with this. No judgement OP but trust me, that kid knows.
Maybe step back a bit. When she’s being demanding just walk out of the room, disengage from it. Let your partner parent her.

Or, if you really want to continue your relationship then maybe it would be easier on you if you lives separately but you stayed over at your DP’s sometimes and she comes to stay with you when your SD goes to her dad’s.
Having a bit of breathing space is essential in blended families.

We bought a 3 storey new build town house so DP and I have a bedroom and bathroom on an entirely separate floor to the children. It was one of the conditions I had about us living together because I need us to both be able to go upstairs away from each other’s children sometimes for peace and space.
It’s worked so well for us. If I need half an hour to myself I’ll go up to our room and chill out there for a bit.

Not being on top of each other means none of us feel suffocated or around each other too much.

Her father also has a new partner and she goes on holiday with them and accepts that her mum and dad are not together . She was 6 when they split up and before that all she says is she heard them arguing alot and slept in separate rooms.
I don't think she is traumatised but I do agree with the parents have parental guilt but also they try and out do each other with presents and holidays for her .
So she is an only child with two parents that don't communicate regarding parenting ( they just text about pick up times ) and both spoil her .
Our relationship is not new to her and I appreciate that she likes me .
But I do need to think about if I can cope with the whole dynamic for ever .

I also agree we need space . We recently brought a house together which is bigger and has more space . Hopefully this will help .

She follows me around because I engage more with her than her mum. I chat and listen to her silly stories . Her mum has less tolerance for childish tv or games. She is more practical always pottering around or on her phone.

The irony as SD calls me the fun one!

Your SD doesn't sound that unusual for her age, she does sound a bit rude and spoilt, but I have come across much worse! But she is only 10 and that's still pretty young.
My DH has always been very sensitive around any criticism of his kids, as I would to be honest of mine.
I say this as both a parent and step parent, you will find this difficult if you're not on the same page. Parents are generally much more forgiving of their child's faults as to put it bluntly, they love them more than a step parent will. They will also find the relationship with their child more rewarding than a step parent will.
I really like my SC's but I'd walk over coals for DD.
You are going to have to find some compromises if you want your relationship with your partner to work.
I think things like the showering, her silliness and the fact that her social skills are still developing, you need to just accept.
She will grow up and become interested in things other than Minecraft, but for now it would probably help you both if you could actually find something she really likes that you take an interest in. My DD went through a Minecraft stage and I nearly died of boredom, but would listen and show an interest in what she'd been making, bought her books/magazines etc about it.
Regarding her lack of manners, that perhaps you could suggest to your partner that some slight change would be easy to do, would help your SD socially outside the home too (like her pleasant friend) and helps lay some gentle boundaries around treating other people with courtesy.

I will try to suggest this again . But my partner just says there is nothing wrong with how she behaves and I am just being over critical . So I am fighting a losing battle I think . Put up or get out. In fact I was told that when I complained about the 1am running around last night - if you don't like it move out . It's my daughters sleep over!

Woahhh
She actually said if you don’t like it then move out?!
If my DP ever said anything like that to me I would be gone. It shows a total lack of respect for you and a disregard for your feelings.

Parents who choose to date whilst they have young children need to compromise and come to some agreed boundaries with their partner, it should never be that only the stepparent is expected to bend to their ways or just fit in with them.
Any healthy relationship is built on compromise and respect, and it’s even more important in blended families!

You deserve better OP.

Just to put how horrible what she said in to perspective... change the situation to something else other than a child.
If she was behaving in a way you didn’t like and you voiced your concerns and she said “put up or shut up” you would leave.

She’s shown you that she thinks you’re a disposable aspect of her life. Take note

Your partner is a rubbish parent and a horrible girlfriend. Your issue isn’t really the daughter, who you acknowledge is largely the product of lax permissive guilt-ridden parenting. How dare your DP threaten you like that?

I know you’ve recently moved, what are the logistics of one of you moving out or selling.

You deserve much better than this.

Oh dear. It sounds like perhaps you've reached a bit of an impasse.
Presumably your SD has been around more because of schools being closed too and you've all spent more time together than usual?
Personally I would be wary of chucking away an otherwise good relationship but only you can know how much of a deal breaker this is. It sounds like there is little room for compromise on parenting style and you may have to accept it. Or leave.
I'm sitting on the fence about how unreasonable your partner is being here. She may be a more permissive parent than you are happy with, but if her choice is between keeping her (slightly annoying) child happy or her ( frequently critical) partner it's not a hard choice.
It's not a great environment for a child to be found annoying and I would hate my DD to grow up around someone always mildly disapproving of her.
I do sympathise as I found my DSD very trying at times (messy, inattentive, obstinate) but gritted my teeth and got on with the frequently thankless task of step-parenting, she's now in her mid 20's and is someone I enjoy seeing and having around.

I'm sitting on the fence about how unreasonable your partner is being here

Parenting style aside... she became hugely unreasonable when she told OP to either tolerate it or move out.
Massive, enormous, fucking luminescent red flag there.
She’s shown how little she respects OP.

I'm bearing in mind we're only hearing one side.
Middle of the night, everyone is tired...
Both sides in this situation are probably pretty fed up. I don't think it's a case of who is right or wrong, as I'm guessing there's fault on both sides - as most disagreements are.

Hmmmm - tbh op your dp sounds like a pretty disengaged parent. This in itself might neither be here nor there as we all parent differently & disengaged does not always mean uncaring. However this coupled with the lack of boundaries regarding her daughters manners spells trouble & when you combine it with her attitude to you it spells disaster - imo.
3 years in and your dp is still refusing to listen to your concerns & distress - sounds like a very one sided relationship to me.
What are you 'getting' out of this?