Bombshell

[Songbird232018]

Ok so I need some advice! My partner has just dropped a bombshell and I need to understand where that leaves everything....

Backstory 3 SC all good round relationship with kids, partner and ex on awful terms most of the time. So the eldest SS is 17 and we all (even all kids) know that he isn't biologically my partners as he was 4 when my partner met the ex wife. This son has his own dad although he's not involved other than sporadic contact and money.

When my a partner and his ex broke up 7 years ago (we have been together 6) there was CSA battle as my ex wanted to pay a set amount and half other bits with no CSA but the ex wanted only a set amount but alot more. So it ended up us filing CSA And finding out that the eldest already had a open CSA claim with his bio dad so Therefore my partner pays for his two bio children via CSA however the eldest gets an allowance and all normal gifts etc the mum was obviously not happy with this but it's how it has been and has worked somewhat ok.

BOMBSHELL we were talking about kids turning 17 and driving licenses etc and my partner and his sister start talking about how my partner is not ok his daughters birth certificate and that her they argued the day of registration and her mum went and signed as father unknown. I was so shocked! Now it's disturbing and awful that neither of the parents have resolved this in the last 14 years and I am so angry with him also. He has now texted her mum and asked if they can change this and we have had no rely.

Does anyone know what this means in terms of parental rights etc and can it be changed solely by my partner or mum only? I feel devastated that my SD might take this hard 😡

Sorry but I don't really understand what the bombshell is about this situation, both your DP and ex knew this all along? And I'm guessing it's had no impact on anything regarding parental rights etc seeing as it's not cropped up as an issue so far? If SD is upset her father's not on the birth certificate then surely that's between her and her mother. Or am I missing something?

I think it's more that I can't believe they haven't sorted it out for so long and they both think it's ok to not have bothered, I'm upset for her mainly as she is sensitive and I know it will be a shock I know the questions she will ask which I don't have answers to, does he have a say in any major decisions such as schooling or moving abroad? (Which has come up twice now) can he stop this.

I think it's just me venting to be honest because it's just not ok in my eyes from either side to allow that to happen.

Hardly a bombshell... they both knew he wasn’t named as the father on the BC. He clearly wasn’t that bothered about it for 14 years either.

No, he has no parental rights towards her as he’s not named as her father.

To be honest... it’s nothing to do with you either.

I don't think it's ok either but tbh not your circus, not your monkeys. I don't mean that in a way that is dismissive of you, I'm a step parent myself, but I've come to learn that as a step parent ultimately we have very little control over things, ultimately we are always deferring to the one or both parents' wishes. So let them own this one and if your DSD does come to you with questions just say sorry I don't know darling I wasn't any part of that decision, you'll need to speak to your father/mother.

It's hard to step back when you care about them but this is neither your responsibility nor in your ability to solve.

Hardly a bombshell.

And when your StepDD sees it she'll realise how petty and ridiculous her mother has always been, frankly. It was her decision to not put him on there out of spite; makes her look quite horrible, imo.

Not really a bombshell, or your situation to sort.
They can tell the child the truth if ever questioned.
It's not great but can't see the big tizwaz here?

It does essentially mean he has no parental rights but it can be quite easily amended by your DH applying to the courts. Perhaps it would be better to do this quietly if it’d upset your DSD.

Your OP isn't very clear.
Are you saying:
Partner has 3 DC but the eldest (DS1) isn't his.
Partner's daughter aged 14 has 'father not known' on her BC?

Yes @MikeUniformMike that’s the situation

Technically they are not step-children.
I'd leave your DP to deal with it.

Actually, there are only 3 actors with any real stake in this situation (mom,dad, and daughter) and you are not one of them.
Clearly, you have not been given any substantial or historical back ground about this situation.
Would you have refused to become involved with your partner had you been aware of the situation? Quite possibly not.

This may be regrettable for the daughter assuming that she is unaware of her history, but you have no role or responsibility in this situation.

Your best course of action is to not try to insert yourself into this drama.

If this is the way that your partner makes decisions, it is likely that your own day of drama is somewhere in the horizon.I

Perhaps your husband loves the child and has no real interest in whose name is or is not on the birth certificate.

I would find it surprising that your DP and his ex haven't sorted this out but it's hardly a bombshell.

Were they married when their DD was born?

Why are you so upset? If he was bothered he’d have sorted it years ago. He’s not, as he didn’t, so it’s really not a big deal. When she finds out, she can have a word with her mother.

Is there any doubt about her parentage?

Who was wanting to move away?

It’s pretty shitty for the daughter that no one bothered to put her dad on her birth certificate in 14 years! Does she know? It would be nice if they could get it sorted before she needs to use her birth certificate to apply for things and has to keep seeing “father unknown”.

It's for them to sort, and for them to answer any questions she has.

He couldn't have been seeing her very long if SS was 4 when they met, is now 17 and DSD is 14 (that doesn't actually make sense to me ). Had she posted on MN, she would probably have been told not to add him to the BC (not that I agree with that).

It is not insurmountable. If they can't agree it now, I'm sure it will be sorted when DSD raises it. If he has proved himself a father in all other respects, I'm sure she'll not be too angry with him, if it's the mother who has acted at the time and refusing to co-operate now.

He can go to court to be added...

If they weren't married she would not have been allowed to put anyone's name on the register.
It is not "father unknown" it is simply left blank.

It could have been sorted, but it is really simple to explain.

No need to make a drama out of it.

And remember the actual birth certificate doesn't have any of those details. It is the register that does.

Bombshell you've lived a very sheltered life if this is so groundbreaking to you.

Are you this dramatic about everything?

Clearly he was aware of this, as was her mum. If he's chosen to do nothing about it then that's down to him.
I'm sure they'll be able to change the birth certificate somehow..

It's not really any of your business anyway.

If they weren't married she would not have been allowed to put anyone's name on the register.
I mean if she registered the birth on her own.

It never fails to blow my mind how many women are so desperate for A Man they'll take on a guy with more baggage than T5 in pre-Covid August. Leave him to sort all this out. It's not your business and he should be taking the lead sorting this out if he's her father.

@MikeUniformMike not my step children? Yes you’re right and I will I definitely don’t want to try and fix the situation I was just shocked by it and guess my brain went to all the worst case senarios

What are the worst case scenarios?

Ok perhaps bombshell was slightly a over reaction but yes this was a big shock to me as It doesn’t seem like something a parent would not fix. (Now bring one myself)

No they were not marred until years later, yes they fell pregnant very quickly after meeting but were together 10 years in total.

Mother has mentioned wanted to live abroad with family and saying he has no say I’m wether she goes with kids or not which I guess is now partly true for 2 out of 3

I just feel it’s shitty for a nice kid to know this.
For those of you on the attack did I at any point say I was going to speak to DSD? Or try to resolve myself absolutely not that’s not my place. @Smallsteps88 thank you for seeing my point of view, sadly no she doesn’t know and I have asked my partner to get this fixed so it looks better but it’s his call of neither mum or dad care then fine but I can still think it’s wrong.