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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Paying CMS over 18 years old

62 replies

Ron1984 · 10/08/2020 16:44

Afternoon! My DH has three DC from a previous girlfriend. Eldest is 18, he hasn’t had contact for over 8 years. Doesn’t even know where they live. The CMS are asking DH to continue paying but fully admit they do not have to have proof the dc is in full time education, they have been told by his ex only. DH more than happy to pay if he is still at college etc but surely proof is required?

OP posts:
Ohshitx · 10/08/2020 16:46

Why hasn’t DH had contact?

Because if it’s his own choice I think the least he can do is support the child he chose to abandon if she’s in full time education.

If not his choice then I’m not sure what he can do, does he have contact with any of the family or friends that can confirm?

Original poster
Ron1984 · 10/08/2020 16:49

Thanks for replying. Not his choice I’m afraid, it’s devastating for him and his family not having contact.

OP posts:
Sunrise234 · 10/08/2020 17:38

I thought it was automatic that once they stop education the maintenance stops?

I’m not sure what it is called but I thought it sends the information to the cms automatically else they could be working but people will be saying their in education.

Most 18 year olds are in education so it wouldn’t surprised if they’re not.

Regardless of this is there no way your DH can find them on social media. They might want a relationship with him now they’re older.

MeridianB · 10/08/2020 18:47

If he stops the payments and can afford to set money aside then he could put it into a savings account for his child. They may get in touch now they are an adult.

If there was no DV or other issues involved then I don’t understand why he wouldn’t go to court to have contact, especially if he was paying maintenance. It’s very sad.

Enoughnowstop · 10/08/2020 22:10

If he stops the payments

There is no ‘if’ if she is still in further education. The CMS will oblige him to pay.

Original poster
Ron1984 · 10/08/2020 22:40

Thanks. The issue is proof that full time education is continuing - from what I understand the resident parents word is all that is required. Unfortunately the ex has been proved to give fraudulent information to HMRC in the past.

OP posts:
FreshEggs · 10/08/2020 23:50

It goes on child benefit entitlement. The CMS can do a child benefit check and if it’s being paid then the maintenance must also be paid . Of course, many teenagers drop out of college yet the parent doesn’t inform child benefit right away and there isn’t anybody to enforce that they do it promptly.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 11/08/2020 07:29

Not everyone receives child benefit though.

Enoughnowstop · 11/08/2020 08:01

There is still an underlying entitlement to child benefit even if your income means you can’t pay it.

Enoughnowstop · 11/08/2020 08:01

Can’t pay it?! Can’t claim it!

Coffeeandbeans · 11/08/2020 08:06

I think you will just have to take the ex’s word for it. I’m not understanding why your DP hasn’t kept in touch with his kids. My 17 year old drives himself to see his dad. It has nothing to do with me and I couldn’t/wouldn’t stop it if I could. Sounds very odd. Not sure I could be with a parent who makes no attempt to see his adult kids.

Tyersal · 11/08/2020 11:28

@Coffeeandbeans why couldn't you be with someone who doesn't see their kids? I see a lot of posters say this and I never understand it

Sunrise234 · 11/08/2020 15:17

@Tyersal I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t see their kids, I can’t see why anyone would. It’s one thing to not be in contact with your parents or siblings but a mother or father not seeing their kids is unacceptable. Unless there is a very, very good reason like the mother moved away to a different country but then I’d still expect him to be in contact with letters and things.
Why could you be with someone who didn’t see their kids?

Tyersal · 11/08/2020 15:22

@Sunrise234 but why?

Yes it wouldn't bother me if I wasn't their mother and didn't have/ wasn't planning on having kids with that person. I guess if I wanted kids with them I might feel differently

Coffeeandbeans · 11/08/2020 15:45

Because it shows a lack of morals. You do t have kids and then abandon them. I couldn’t abandon a dog let alone kids. If for any reason I was banned from seeing my kids I would still write to them to let them know that they are loved. To have a father or mother who leaves you must screw you up. There was a show the other week about babies abandoned by their mothers. You know what 60 years later these “children” were still hoping to understand why.

Original poster
Ron1984 · 11/08/2020 16:01

All understood but what if the child has made the decision not to see their parents? It could happen to any of us...we all have different personalities to our children and conflicts are possible? If the father has been told not to contact the children via the mother and is rebutted in his attempts to see the child what then? He has no contact but is being told by the CMS to continue paying on the basis of the other parents word, there seems to be no other check that full time education continues

OP posts:
Sunrise234 · 11/08/2020 16:11

@Tyersal exactly what Coffeeandbeans said.
It shows the type of person they are. Not only do they have no morals/heart but it just shows they’ll put themselves above everyone else.
It is also very rare for someone to have absolutely no contact with their children so I would be worried about what they did and why’ve they’ve not fought to see them - usually a sign he can’t see them because he was abusive and the courts wouldn’t allow it.

Sunrise234 · 11/08/2020 16:14

All understood but what if the child has made the decision not to see their parents?

I think he still needs to pay maintenance. As he’s not paying because he’s seeing them, he’s paying to make sure they have enough of everything they need.

It is frustrating if you believe he’s not in full time education anymore but I’m not sure what can be done or how it can be proven he’s not.

It will only be for a couple more years at most but if he stopped payments now that might ruin a future relationship between them even further.

Coronaaapetite · 11/08/2020 16:17

OP don't get drawn in by other posters' comments re the logistics of contact etc, completely irrelevant.

Been through this situation myself - bottom line is that resident parent SHOULD provide proof of education but the CMS will take their word regardless. The incumbent is on your partner to provide proof they AREN'T still in full time education - not a great system for the person being fleeced but favours the resident parent which is understandable.

Is your partner paying for any other children? The reason I ask is that, if it appears down the line that he has made an overpayment due to a false claim, the overpaid balance needs to be claimed back directly from the resident parent (often meaning small claims court). However, if he is still paying for younger children, the monthly amount will just be adjusted to slowly pay off the overpayment. Something to watch.

Coronaaapetite · 11/08/2020 16:18

Oh also you can ask CMS to check if the resident parent is still receiving child benefit for the child (adult!) in question - often if child benefit is stopped, that means education has ceased.

Tiredoftattler · 11/08/2020 16:32

I would be extremely concerned about being with someone who is willing to put some effort into finding out how to confirm continued school enrollment in order to stop paying CMS, and yet has not put any effort into finding out where his children live.

This behavior speaks volumes about priorities and values. His children are young. He is the adult. The push for an ongoing relationship should be his.

What will he say to them when the day comes that they pose the inevitable question of " what did you do to find us? "

If they are receiving benefits of any kind, for very nominal cost a private investigator could find out where they are living. Probably some extended maternal family members would share that
information.

Who willingly walks away because minor children say that they do not wish to see you?

Original poster
Ron1984 · 11/08/2020 16:32

Thank you the voice of reason!

OP posts:
offscotfree · 11/08/2020 18:16

If the father has been told not to contact the children via the mother and is rebutted in his attempts to see the child what then?

Court, obviously.

Tiredoftattler · 11/08/2020 19:05

The mother did not have the last word on his access to "his" children. That is where the court comes into the equation. The mother also has no involvement in his taking the necessary steps to find out where his children live.

If his ex were to tell him to leave you, would he feel compelled to do that? Why was he so willing to cede access to his children simply because the mom wanted that? Surely, he must have cared enough for his children that he should have been willing to fight for them.

Eight years ago , his eldest was only 10, and the others were youmger. Do you think that any of them.were old enough to decide that they wanted their father out of their life?

AllsortsofAwkward · 11/08/2020 19:09

There's a thing called court order he couldnt be arsed and there's a reason they don't want out to do with him x

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