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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Paying CMS over 18 years old

62 replies

Ron1984 · 10/08/2020 16:44

Afternoon! My DH has three DC from a previous girlfriend. Eldest is 18, he hasn’t had contact for over 8 years. Doesn’t even know where they live. The CMS are asking DH to continue paying but fully admit they do not have to have proof the dc is in full time education, they have been told by his ex only. DH more than happy to pay if he is still at college etc but surely proof is required?

OP posts:
timetest · 11/08/2020 19:09

Court would take the child’s view into consideration.

PinkyBrain · 11/08/2020 19:17

It goes on child benefit. If mum is still claiming cb she is still entitled to maintenance. CB ask for proof dc is still in education when they turn 18. CB office is not about to send your dh an educational certificate for his perusal to confirm this as for all they know he is a bad bad man who is not allowed contact with his dc.

Scissor · 11/08/2020 19:25

And the new educational year hasn't started yet. September is the time child benefit will end if not in education, then maintenance will cease.
He's still a complete joke for not seeing his child.

FelicityPike · 11/08/2020 19:29

What if the mother absconds with the children and dad has not a clue where they’ve gone? He can’t have contact then.
I don’t think it’s always so black & white.

Original poster
Ron1984 · 11/08/2020 20:56

A family court takes a child’s view, if the child can be found. A private detective could find them but could that be construed as harassment? It’s not black and white. Parental alienation is real

OP posts:
Sunrise234 · 11/08/2020 21:33

I would think if it has already been to court and the child’s view was taken into account and then you hired a detective it could be classed as harassment.

But if there’s nothing in writing from the court then I don’t think it would be classed as harassment. Although it might be seen as over the top if your DH hadn’t tried other methods like social media or reaching out to the ex wife’s family.

excelledyourself · 11/08/2020 21:33

Did he actually explore any of those avenues? Surely he'd know the answers if he had.

Sosounhappy · 11/08/2020 21:37

Have any of you heard of parental alienation. Not everyone looses contact because they can't be bothered it is devastating

Magda72 · 12/08/2020 01:07

@Sunrise234 & @Coffeeandbeans you are being extremely judgemental.
I have an extended family member who had a horrendous marriage breakdown. Exw had numerous affairs & eventually ran off to another county with the latest man & my family members' kids. She wouldn't supply him with an address & courts were useless as she was in a different country. She registered them in school using the new man's surname; told them their father had run off & that new man was to be called dad.
Eventually she contacted my family member as they had run out of money & he sent money on the basis that he could phone the kids which she allowed & then stopped. At this point he knew where they were living so he left a good job & moved country to be near them. She let him see the kids once a month (no overnights) in return for money & flatly refused to divorce. This combined with being in another country meant courts could not get involved.
She never told the kids that my family member was giving her/them money & in fact told the total opposite - that she asked him for money but he refused.
She then moved back home. At this point we were all in the middle of a recession & family member had to stay put as he was in negative equity.
He moved back home once things got better but at this point the kids hated him because they had been taught to, & he lost the will to fight.
He has subsequently had a breakdown as has one of his now adult children. The other is an alcoholic & the third has emigrated to Australia.
There is no doubt in the mind of anyone who knows the people involved in this story that that woman wrecked a lot of lives & caused massive disruption & psychological damage to a lot of people for no good reason other than her own nastiness.
Nasty people do exist.
Women with vendettas for no reason other than what's going on in their own messed up heads do exist & I'm sick of all nrp dads getting targeted in such a judgemental fashion.

catspyjamas123 · 12/08/2020 04:33

Yes, I’m sure this man who wants to cut off his kid without a penny ASAP in the middle of the worst economic crisis of our time is all heart and a wonderful humanitarian. That’s why he hasn’t bothered to see his child for eight years and leaves it for the stepmother to post on here about how to cut off the money. The kid still needs to eat!

bakewelltarty · 12/08/2020 04:57

Oh goody. Another thread where the OP asks for advice and numerous PPs pile in to tell her that her DH is a waste of space whilst knowing nothing of the situation. Unless you have been through similar circumstances you really can't judge. But you will anyway.

Gingerkittykat · 12/08/2020 06:20

My ex was in a similar position to your DH, only he decided to phone CB to tell them she was no longer in education when she was 16 so they stopped the CB and tax credits till I got proof from the college of her enrolment and attendance, of course when I proved she was in education he had to start paying again.

CB is payable up until the age of 20 if a young person is attending courses up to a certain level.

Enoughnowstop · 12/08/2020 07:51

Women with vendettas for no reason other than what's going on in their own messed up heads do exist & I'm sick of all nrp dads getting targeted in such a judgemental fashion

It is not the sole domain of women. Men are equally vindictive and are capable of causing similar damage to their children and ex.

catspyjamas123 · 12/08/2020 09:08

Plenty of us have been in the situation of a father not wanting to pay a penny towards his kids. They are called deadbeat dads for a reason! Parents who live with their kids still have the costs of parenting them long after 18 - if supportive and helping them through education.

Icanttakethiscrapanymore · 12/08/2020 09:28

My exh cut my child maintenance in half on our eldest 18th birthday (private agreement) I called cms and put a claim in. While on the phone they checked that I got child benefit for eldest. I did because she was still in full time education. They didn’t just take my word for it. I also had to to give child benefit details of the corses Dd was on. So I don’t believe you for a second that they just take her word for it.

Turns out he’d been under paying me for years and going forward he’s been ordered by cms to pay nearly double.

I won’t comment on why he hasn’t seen his children for years but regardless of the situation he should at the very least be paying the minimum cms say.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/08/2020 09:42

I have no time for deadbeat dads; however all this "go to court" stuff is as laughable as telling an RP who doesn't receive maintenance "the CSA will sort it!" The systems that are in place are not fit for purpose when dealing with situations where a parent is determined to frustrate access (or on the flip side of the coin, not pay maintenance).

Sunrise234 · 12/08/2020 09:55

@Magda72 how am I being judgemental when all I’m trying to do is answer OP questions.
If you have no proof the child is in education or not receiving CB then he needs to continue paying. And I believe this is still true regardless of whether they have chosen to not see him.

Sunrise234 · 12/08/2020 09:58

as telling an RP who doesn't receive maintenance "the CSA will sort it!"

Not sure if I’ve read your message correctly. But the RP can go to the CSA and get maintenance money and the CSA sorts it themselves so you don’t need contact with the non RP.
I think that is what OP DH’s ex wife must have done.

catspyjamas123 · 12/08/2020 10:20

A lot of men try to avoid paying for their kids. For example the self-employed find ways of reducing their official earnings. There are many accounts of this on MumsNet. In the vast majority of cases, not all of course, the mums are the RPs. Imagine the fate of these kids if their mums just bailed out on them for the fun of it? How can anyone have any time for a man who won’t support his kids? I don’t receive benefits BTW, I work to support my kids. My ex didn’t want to pay for them but reluctantly he had to make a small contribution. It’s time the old stereotypes of poor lone mother “living on benefits” disappeared. Most mothers left to raise kids alone are a shining example of how to overcome adversity.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/08/2020 10:29

@Sunrise234 I was making the point that the official channels that one goes through for sorting out issues such as access or maintenance is often (not always) woefully inadequate. Yes the RP can go to the CSA to get maintenance money so then why do so many RPs not receive a penny - do we accuse them of failing their children by not fighting hard enough to get what their DC are entitled to especially when money's tight? Of course not, we blame the feckless NRP.

Likewise I don't think it's fair to assume that someone who doesn't see their kids simply couldn't be arsed to sort it out. Of course there are deadbeats out there but the automatic assertion that the courts can and will ensure an NRP can see their kids is naive when you're up against an RP who is determined to block access.

Sunrise234 · 12/08/2020 10:35

@MyCatHatesEverybody oh ok I wasn’t sure if you were a RP and thought you couldn’t get maintenance or something.

But yes I agree as many posters MN often say how the NRP won’t pay because they fiddle the system or the RP has moved country so they can’t see the kids.

dontdisturbmenow · 12/08/2020 12:40

Are you saying he's lost contact with his eldest only or all 3? If all three something has clearly happened and you likely don't know all the circumstances.

Mothers moving away and kidnapping their kids after 3 kids, one of which is 10 don't do it out the blue.

Ultimately, it is his right to find out, and potentially see his contribution go down with happiness, but I would hope his priority would be to try to rekindle their relationship as a priority now they are an adult if indeed parental alienation took place.

FlySheMust · 12/08/2020 12:56

So many posters with poor comprehension skills.

Embarrassing.

bakewelltarty · 12/08/2020 15:29

Why's everyone talking about nrp's who don't pay? OP has clearly stated that he does pay, for three children for the last 8 years. I thought this thread was to give OP advice?

She just wants to know what the process is after 18 as it differs greatly depending on what his son does. My son is an apprentice. He attends college one day a week and gets paid well below minimum wage but that classes him as an adult in work. No child benefit.

SoloMummy · 12/08/2020 15:53

@Ron1984
Tbh even if he has stopped being in education, I don't think that his mother's costs will have suddenly stopped and actually think its a shit show if as soon as he could he stopped contributing. Legally acceptable. Morally shows him in an even worse light than he does right now.