Mum wants to be there when we tell DSC about pregnancy. Thoughts?

[FrootTheLoot]

Me and DH are wanting to say no tbh. She's been difficult in the past.

We have already told her as we thought that was the right thing to do but she's now saying she thinks she should be there too incase they need support.

I agree with another poster: one needs support when one receives bad news; this ain't that. Having her there suggests scope for them taking it poorly, and they'll act accordingly.

I think her being there would be weird tbh. Tell them when the kids are with you then let your DH tell her they've been told...as something came up and the time seemed right.

If you tell her you don't want her there and the kids are with her...she'll probably tell them out of spite... so do it yourselves.

When I read threads like this... then read the relationship board where all men are seen as evil, nasty, abusive humans..it's very clear women can equally be a pain in the arse and just as controlling.

I nearly forgot to say congratulations 🎊 on your pregnancy OP. Good luck with everything.

[quote BeChuille]@HalfTermHalfTerm well i agree with you.

Seems more respectful.

All of these "what's it got to do wither her!" comments are immature and agressive.[/quote]
You disagree because you clearly are not a step mother and someone with half-siblings.

You forget some of us have lived it.

Oh and telling an ex before you tell your own children they are having a new sibling is disrespecting your own children whether they are 5 or 25.

Ridiculous! Of course she shouldn't be there. Fir one it's not traumatic news at all and for two, even if they get abut upset at first, they have a dad to reassure them.

@RedRumTheHorse surely there are a few people who would find out before the children though? I would tell my mum and potentially my line manager before the 12 week scan (and if my partner wanted to tell his parents then obviously them too), but I wouldn’t tell children (my own or step children!) until after then unless it was inevitable.

I might feel differently if/when it happened, but I don’t think it’s disrespectful if it’s done for the reasons that I listed. The youngest one wouldn’t even think to ask if their mum already knew, and the oldest one is very sensitive and I think she’d completely understand that it would be nice for her mum to hear it from her dad.

If my children needed support following a conversation like this with their dad, I would rather provide it not in front of their dad and his gf, and so would they! It would be awkward for me to chime in with reassurance in front of them, and not helpful.

I would never expect my ex to tell me first (or at all) if he was going to have another baby. I certainly wouldn’t interfere with him telling DS. It’s their relationship and family and absolutely not my business.

DH and I didn’t tell our exes about our baby either. It’s just not about them. And I can’t imagine why we’d want to give them any impression that they had any say in or right to interfere in our lives. That would be a terrible idea.

No. She's just trying to insert herself into this.

Its your happy news. Nothing to do with her.

It's nothing to do with her, I'd keep her as far away as possible she sounds like a control freak.

Say no to attending when you tell the kids, whatever next? Asking to attend when you’re TTC?

Ffs!

She’s just trying to insert herself into this

EXACTLY

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!
What business does she even have with your pregnancy???? AS if a pregnancy in a blended family wasn't stressful enough, you still have to deal with this woman just sitting there while you tell your DSC they're having a SIBLING????
OMG. I would just tell her to piss off!
You guys have way too much consideration for some women! I wouldn't even tell the ex. I would the tell the children myself. Let her find out through them!!!

Peace out!

I don't see the need - as a kid was in the same position. If my mum had been there I would have just worried about her feeling hurt in some protective way. Unnecessary.

By suggesting she needs to be there when the announcement is made, is implying its bad news. People don’t generally need support when they’re given good news, do they?

Is it good news for the children though? to know that their dad has a new child, a new family, a new focus.

It's not really good news. My children wouldn't think so. I wouldn't care at all but they'd feel unsettled. It's something they'd have to get used to.

No. It sounds like she’ll make a big problem of it, when it isn’t.

I'd say there are serious problems in the family if children wouldn't be happy they are getting a baby sibling.
My children are absolutely made up that I'm having a baby with their DSD and they equally cannot wait for their DSM and DD to have a baby and there is no way on this earth I would even dream of being there when they are told. It's non of my business as my pregnancy is non of theirs.

I’m a step mum and a mum to DC with a stepmum.

Do you have your own kids? You do come across slightly precious about the telling tbh.

We told the kids when we were all together and texted exes while the kids were here. That way the kids were told first and exes had the chance to process any surprise/ask any q’s without the kids seeing that and could put their game faces on to see the kids next. We had recently got married so it wasn’t super unexpected for anyone which may have helped- we’d also told kids and exes at various points over the years that we’d like to marry/may one day have more kids if it had come up

To all the pps saying she’s inserting herself/ it’s none of her business.... it totally is. Blending families means exactly that- you’re all in this sometimes awkward symbiotic interdependent mash up together. Everyone’s life will be easier if the adults feel respected and listened to and can be positive about new babies/house moves or whatever. It should matter to a mum if her kids are getting a half sibling, because it will natter to the kids.

If my ex’s new partner gets pregnant I wouldn’t expect to know before ds, and I certainly wouldn’t want to be there! (I think it’s unlikely, but ds would probably love a wee sib!) The only time I wasn’t happy was when he told ds some news, then asked him to keep it a secret from me, until he “got a chance to tell me” which put ds in a position of having to be dishonest with me.

Pogmella it’s ok for the ex to know things (not all things of course), but it becomes a problem when it feels like you have to seek their blessing before you do anything.

Blending families means exactly that- you're all in this sometimes awkward symbiotic interdependent mash up together

I can't tell you how nauseous the idea of being in a mash up with my partner's ex makes me, especially about my own pregnancy 🤢

Seriously though, many people do not view being in a blended family this way at all. Many people would describe themselves as coparents or even (though generally it's used negatively) parallel parents. The only thing that binds them is that they both have a relationship with the child and need to organise practicalities like drop offs. Neither me or my partner have very much to do with his ex. It is not the nature of our blended family to be in anything you could describe as a "mash up". We did tell her I was pregnant before telling DSS so she could compose herself and didn't make him feel negatively about it, but certainly not out of any sense that we are all anything together.

NO! Tell her to politely do one! You start things like this and your setting the tone for the future. Firm but fair.

She's nuts, it's nothing to do with her

@aSofaNearYou trust me I get it- Exh has an affair and his girlf is OW. My DC don’t see themselves as having two split parallel lives though- they feel it’s one across two homes. If you ask them how many pets they have they list them all across both... if there’s stress and change at one then the effects are felt in the other two... it’s obviously not what I’d choose but that’s where we are.