Mum wants to be there when we tell DSC about pregnancy. Thoughts?

[FrootTheLoot]

Me and DH are wanting to say no tbh. She's been difficult in the past.

We have already told her as we thought that was the right thing to do but she's now saying she thinks she should be there too incase they need support.

Definitely not.

It is about control. Your OH needs to put boundaries in place about communicating with her about your joint child as his ex has absolutely nothing to do with your child.

Say you’ll think about it.

Then make sure you tell the dc in a happy exciting event type of way. Right at the start of when they come back to yours.

Then when she finds out you told them, let your DH tell her he’d considered it and thought it best coming from you both.

Why you told her first though is beyond me, it gives her the power to tell her DC and paint it in a negative light if she chooses.

Nope.

Oh and if you have anymore children you tell the children first and then text their other parent a few hours before they go to that parent.

The sibling is the children's family not the ex's.

You're going to need to tell them sharpish then, because if you are telling her to keep her beak out then there's a risk that she'll say something to them before you get a chance, just to keep control of the situation.

Hmm... tempted to bet that she’ll accidentally let it slip to them...

Tell them ASAP and then let her know when it’s back on her time

For clarity, it’s literally none of her business and she has not business being there

I wonder how she would react if she was pregnant and your DH wanted to be there when she tells the kids, “just in case they need supporting”. Somehow I think that would go down like a lead balloon because her pregnancy and baby would be nothing to do with him and she wouldn’t like the insinuation that her baby is a bad thing for the existing children. I don’t know why she seems thinks your pregnancy and baby is something she has control over.

At first I thought you meant your Mum and thought "No way, MYOB".

But it;s the SC's Mum. I think that might be rather a nice idea to have her there ; because this new baby of yours will make a new blood link between all the parents and children together. If you're on good enough terms it would be great if she can help her children celebrate the expanding family circle.

@funinthesun19

I wonder how she would react if she was pregnant and your DH wanted to be there when she tells the kids, “just in case they need supporting”. Somehow I think that would go down like a lead balloon because her pregnancy and baby would be nothing to do with him and she wouldn’t like the insinuation that her baby is a bad thing for the existing children. I don’t know why she seems thinks your pregnancy and baby is something she has control over.

This

erm no its not her business

Hmm, I’m going to go against the grain here. You mention possible tears from your DSC and that you told their mother so she could be prepared if they return to her unsettled after being told.

So it sounds like they might be hurt. Why not think of them and tell them when their mother drops them off? She’ll be there then to support them but you’re not making a big thing out of it or having to invite her in.

You're just asking for trouble if you agree to this. Her demands for control will never stop.

No! Why does she know before the children?

I have always thought that if my boyfriend and I had a baby we would tell his ex wife before we told his children. I would want my partner to tell her (face to face ideally) instead of one of the children telling her, and I wouldn’t like them to feel like they were ‘keeping’ it from her if we told them and then it was another week before they saw their mum.

I didn’t think that was such a bad idea

I wouldn’t allow her to be there OP; I don’t think it’s enough of her business to justify that. It sounds like the children will be pleased too, it’s not like they’ve expressly said they don’t want another sibling.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

@HalfTermHalfTerm well i agree with you.

Seems more respectful.

All of these "what's it got to do wither her!" comments are immature and agressive.

I understand everybody's situation is different but as far as our family is concerned, not a chance would this happen. When I first fell pregnant, we bought my stepson a 'big bro' tshirt and gave him scan photos. He was super excited and rang his mum later that day to tell her. The second time, we got him a card telling him with a scan photo inside and a new tshirt and, again, he was absolutely over the moon. He told his mum the next night he went to hers. He said he didnt feel like telling her straight away so we left it up to him. It's his news and his excitement. Your stepchildren are getting a new sibling and, as far as I'm concerned, this should be celebrated in the same way as if they were 'full siblings' and I do think that having mum there could make them feel uncomfortable and unable to express any excitement with you. I think that as the children are 50/50 there seems to be no real reason why they would need their mum for extra support. If they came every other weekend and were uncertain of their want to be with you then I could understand their mum feeling like she needs to be there. I think you and your OH are the only ones who should be making the decision on what happens, if you would like her there then ask but if you wouldnt then she needs to be told that you feel they'll be excited

Hi this reminds me of when my OH told the kids we were engaged and before the kids went home he told his EW their mum.

The response was ‘how dare you get engaged before consulting me, I’m the mother of your children I have a right to be consulted’

It’s a control tactic. Do not have her there, you need to put boundaries in place now (before the batshittery gets worse).

If she’s as difficult as you suggest, I can just see her sitting there, with her arms around the children as if you’re giving bad news. She has the perfect opportunity to start comforting them and telling them not to worry, she’ll always be their mummy, bla bla bla. Nope, don’t give her that opportunity. As other posters have said, tell her you’ll think about it, then tell the children. Are they with you at the minute? If so, leave it until the morning so they have all day to process it and ask you and your husband questions. Once you’re happy they’re settled, then tell her.

If you're on good enough terms it would be great if she can help her children celebrate the expanding family circle.

But they’re not on good terms. OP clearly says so.

The age of the children and their level of security in their father's love are most likely going to be the determining factors in their response. It is not likely going to be determined by the grouping in which they are informed.
The mom can be supportive when they return to her home.

If you play this out as some drama laden event , that is how they may think of the announcement. If it is just" guys you are going to have another brother or sister, " then it becomes just an ordinary event in the circle of life.

If it is presented as a positive event in which they are expected to play a part, they will probably experience it that way.

OP I support what other posters have said that you don’t need to tell her. This is something nice between you, DH and the kids.

I am pregnant with my first and will be telling DH’s kids soon. They are teenagers. We won’t be telling their mum first - it hadn’t really crossed my mind to but thinking about it this ship has long sailed - DH has tried to involve her in things like this and she’s abused information. They split a decade ago, me and DH have been together 7 years. Kids mum has done her best to put a dampener on every single life event since, so I’m expecting fallout when kids tell her.

I’ve known the kids since they were 10 and under - so expecting they should be OK with the news. We’ve put off having kids prob. 5 or 6 years longer than otherwise for a range of reasons including getting a house big enough for everyone, being financially secure and out of respect. I couldn’t put it off any longer and I feel we’ve been considerate enough to all the parties.

I don’t know why she would have a problem as she was pregnant a year after split with DH. But there will be something. I don’t think DH was there when she told kids she was pregnant.

Congratulations OP! Hope everything goes OK and I’m sure it will go fine and your step kids will be delighted about their new sibling.

• No need for her to be there, sorry. You said you’ve already told her.

Nothing to do with her really. If my Ex’s gf got pregnant I’d want to know but that would be the extent of my involvement

Erm no she is batshit . I am the resident parent and mother and I would probably appreciate exdh letting me know first just so I could be prepared for any questions or concerns when DC came back from his ( saying that my DC are only 7 and 4 and one is asd so in fairness they would struggle to take it all in with exdh ) but I would just appreciate it , I wouldn't expect it or insist on it and wouldn't be put out if he didn't (possibly if it landed me with the birds and bees talk which it most definitely would ...have already done it twice and the DC seem to have forgotten and I've never seen exdh and DP back away so fast when it comes up )

As for being there.....erm no....it wouldn't be my pregnancy announcement and I trust exdh to support my DC through something like that (well actually I don't really...emotive explaining isn't his strong point but he would try really hard ,get flustered and confused and I would have to explain it all again when they got home but in fairness both DC and exdh would all want to make sure the others are happy and ok....so everyone would just smile and nod )

Tell her to bugger off ....what a controlling behaviour (coming from a natural control freak who tries very very hard to keep it under control....)

Nope and the comments suggesting others are immature for saying no are ridiculous. He has the kids 50/50, the DH and ex don't get along the ex is using this as a control tactic.