Hi everyone, new to the forum and looking for some advice or someone who may be in a similar situation who can relate.
Ive been in a relationship with my partner for almost 3 years. He has 5yo son with his ex.
His ex suffers from mental health issues. He used to have him every weekend with the occasional weekend off if he had plans and wanted to do something. She upped and left him with no warning when their son was just 6 months old. She moved back to her home town which meant my partner who works full time during the week was unable to have him through the week. They had a very close relationship and relied on him an awful lot for support and he had him at the drop of a hat on occasions she was struggling.
Things have come a long way since then..... She has had a lot to deal with in her life. All of which I don't know and have no right to know which has lead to her being unwell. Her mother past away just over a year ago she took in her teenage daughter and had to move home to accommodate this. At the end of last year myself and my partner moved to be closer to him (I initially moved to him as I was from a bit further afar). With that being done it was amicably agreed that we would have him half the time. He started school last September, but because of the hours my partner works it is me that does all drops offs and most pick ups when he cant.
This was only in place for a month before lockdown happened.
My partner has tried over the length of our relationship to not be as communicative with her unless its to do with his son.... Communication was mostly about her issues and it was daily. That is now a lot better. She has been with a new partner for over a year herself now and still relies on my partner far more than she should, as a lot of the things she asks or talks about to him are things that she should really speak with her bf about. Her bf has two sons to a previous relationship himself so is in a similar situation himself too.
When lockdown happened there was no discussion about their son in terms of changes to routine as my partner has thankfully still been able to work but both herself and me have been unable to. Like I say communication is rarely about their son and more about her. They being said we carried on here regardless. I have homeschooled him the days he has been here whilst my partner has been at work.
About 6 weeks ago she had a breakdown. Her bf rang my partner at 3 in the morning as his kids were there as was his son and she had left. He ended up staying with us for 10 days as my partner had had enough of it.
The few weeks that have followed she is back at work and had set up a group chat for the three of us (not her bf) and the week he was due to finish his homeschooling in line with term dates she sent a message on the chat stating her frustration as she had done some schoolwork with him that he told her he had done with me. At the start of lockdown she had sent a folder back with him that looked like a memory diary, pictures of her and their son and a few work sheets in it. Both myself and my partner took th t as something we didn't want to tread on as it was for the two of them. That folder has gone back and forth the whole time. With nothing new in it.... I have always been very careful in what I do as not to upset her because I do not and will not ever take the place of his mum. But as an adult and someone who didn't want him to lose out on anything we carried on here regardless. It has become apparent that she hasn't done any homeschooling with him at all, which isn't an issue at all. Everyone has struggled with lockdown and has done what they can in terms of coping. But she has highlighted her sadness that she feels I am a better parent than she is and that their son had pretty much said that to her (I have no idea what he has said but we all know kids can be brutal and we have to take things with a pinch of salt, it may be because she wasn't letting him do something and he lashed out). We did what we could to calm her down and make her not take to heart the fact she hasn't done anything and that if the group chat is now set up it should be a better route for communication for all of us.
Im struggling. I constantly feel I am doing the wrong thing.
This week my partner picked him up. She mentioned his clothes seem to be going missing, he explained that we know what goes in out and out of our house and that seemed to be the end of it. However their son mentioned the next morning about taking some pants back to hers. So with the conversation she'd had with my partner and their son saying that I thought I would message the group chat to be helpful and let her know what we had here of 'hers'. She has taken that the complete wrong way and stated how I dont think it should be tit for tat, they are his clothes, he wears them, I'm bad at washing and sorting and I don't care whats at your house etc etc....that is not what I meant in the slightest!
I'm currently at a loss. I try, I try to do the right thing by her, by their son, by my partner and not overstep but I have a responsibility to their son to be an adult and take care of him.
I feel like I cant win. If she'd have known exactly what work I had done with him it would have made her feels worse, so I didn't share but I get stick because I haven't and she feels inferior anyway. I get stick when I try and be helpful and let her know what clothes he has here. And I'm making it about tit for tat..... But its not me that is doing that at all.
I respect her as his mum, I don't particularly appreciate how often she contacts my partner when it's unnecessary but he can look after himself and that is getting better. As unless it directly effects their son he doesnt entertain her and directs her to the group chat that SHE set up.
Im constantly made out like I am trying to be his mum, trying to belittle her, trying to be better than her, that I don't understand because I don't have my own children (which in all honesty hurts my feelings) I don't have children of my own, but I am always doing what's best for their son and constantly question if I'm doing the right thing by her.
I am myself, I take my responsibility being with someone with a child very seriously.
Does anyone have any advise or can possibly relate?
Sorry for the really long post!