New (ish) step parent looking for advice....

[Newbieseven]

Hi everyone, new to the forum and looking for some advice or someone who may be in a similar situation who can relate.

Ive been in a relationship with my partner for almost 3 years. He has 5yo son with his ex.

His ex suffers from mental health issues. He used to have him every weekend with the occasional weekend off if he had plans and wanted to do something. She upped and left him with no warning when their son was just 6 months old. She moved back to her home town which meant my partner who works full time during the week was unable to have him through the week. They had a very close relationship and relied on him an awful lot for support and he had him at the drop of a hat on occasions she was struggling.

Things have come a long way since then..... She has had a lot to deal with in her life. All of which I don't know and have no right to know which has lead to her being unwell. Her mother past away just over a year ago she took in her teenage daughter and had to move home to accommodate this. At the end of last year myself and my partner moved to be closer to him (I initially moved to him as I was from a bit further afar). With that being done it was amicably agreed that we would have him half the time. He started school last September, but because of the hours my partner works it is me that does all drops offs and most pick ups when he cant.

This was only in place for a month before lockdown happened.

My partner has tried over the length of our relationship to not be as communicative with her unless its to do with his son.... Communication was mostly about her issues and it was daily. That is now a lot better. She has been with a new partner for over a year herself now and still relies on my partner far more than she should, as a lot of the things she asks or talks about to him are things that she should really speak with her bf about. Her bf has two sons to a previous relationship himself so is in a similar situation himself too.

When lockdown happened there was no discussion about their son in terms of changes to routine as my partner has thankfully still been able to work but both herself and me have been unable to. Like I say communication is rarely about their son and more about her. They being said we carried on here regardless. I have homeschooled him the days he has been here whilst my partner has been at work.

About 6 weeks ago she had a breakdown. Her bf rang my partner at 3 in the morning as his kids were there as was his son and she had left. He ended up staying with us for 10 days as my partner had had enough of it.

The few weeks that have followed she is back at work and had set up a group chat for the three of us (not her bf) and the week he was due to finish his homeschooling in line with term dates she sent a message on the chat stating her frustration as she had done some schoolwork with him that he told her he had done with me. At the start of lockdown she had sent a folder back with him that looked like a memory diary, pictures of her and their son and a few work sheets in it. Both myself and my partner took th t as something we didn't want to tread on as it was for the two of them. That folder has gone back and forth the whole time. With nothing new in it.... I have always been very careful in what I do as not to upset her because I do not and will not ever take the place of his mum. But as an adult and someone who didn't want him to lose out on anything we carried on here regardless. It has become apparent that she hasn't done any homeschooling with him at all, which isn't an issue at all. Everyone has struggled with lockdown and has done what they can in terms of coping. But she has highlighted her sadness that she feels I am a better parent than she is and that their son had pretty much said that to her (I have no idea what he has said but we all know kids can be brutal and we have to take things with a pinch of salt, it may be because she wasn't letting him do something and he lashed out). We did what we could to calm her down and make her not take to heart the fact she hasn't done anything and that if the group chat is now set up it should be a better route for communication for all of us.

Im struggling. I constantly feel I am doing the wrong thing.

This week my partner picked him up. She mentioned his clothes seem to be going missing, he explained that we know what goes in out and out of our house and that seemed to be the end of it. However their son mentioned the next morning about taking some pants back to hers. So with the conversation she'd had with my partner and their son saying that I thought I would message the group chat to be helpful and let her know what we had here of 'hers'. She has taken that the complete wrong way and stated how I dont think it should be tit for tat, they are his clothes, he wears them, I'm bad at washing and sorting and I don't care whats at your house etc etc....that is not what I meant in the slightest!

I'm currently at a loss. I try, I try to do the right thing by her, by their son, by my partner and not overstep but I have a responsibility to their son to be an adult and take care of him.

I feel like I cant win. If she'd have known exactly what work I had done with him it would have made her feels worse, so I didn't share but I get stick because I haven't and she feels inferior anyway. I get stick when I try and be helpful and let her know what clothes he has here. And I'm making it about tit for tat..... But its not me that is doing that at all.

I respect her as his mum, I don't particularly appreciate how often she contacts my partner when it's unnecessary but he can look after himself and that is getting better. As unless it directly effects their son he doesnt entertain her and directs her to the group chat that SHE set up.

Im constantly made out like I am trying to be his mum, trying to belittle her, trying to be better than her, that I don't understand because I don't have my own children (which in all honesty hurts my feelings) I don't have children of my own, but I am always doing what's best for their son and constantly question if I'm doing the right thing by her.

I am myself, I take my responsibility being with someone with a child very seriously.

Does anyone have any advise or can possibly relate?

Sorry for the really long post!

Well you're not married to be going through all this hassle. I'm married to my dh and I only do things with my stepson if his dad is not around to do it. Usually I just leave it to his father. This is because a) he has parents and b) everything I do will be criticised so I keep my involvement to an absolute minimum.
I don't engage with my stepson's mother by phone or text message. She's not allowed in my home either.
You can be totally sure that anything you do for your stepson will be met with scrutiny and contempt by his mother. All the while your 'partner' is disrespectful to you by engaging in conversations which are not exclusive to their child and totally unnecessary. You just sound like the unpaid babysitter to be frank.

With clothes the best thing to do is for your partner (not you) to remove the clothes your stepson is wearing on arrival and put them back on him when he goes back. If they are stained on arrival his dad launders them and puts them back on him to take him to his mother.

@Newbieseven oh wow... i don't know where to begin but your situation is so similar to where I was 2 years ago that it gives me the creeps. I would prefer to talk to you about my experience but i appreciate the anonymous aspect of mumsnet.

1. he needs to ignore her chats about other stuff

2. you can never win so don't try to

It seems you've been doing more than she could have hoped for and she should be grateful that you're taking so much of your time to dedicate to their son. Your DC will thank you later for being a loving and participative stepmom.

@strawberrycreamplz

Well you're not married to be going through all this hassle. I'm married to my dh and I only do things with my stepson if his dad is not around to do it. Usually I just leave it to his father. This is because a) he has parents and b) everything I do will be criticised so I keep my involvement to an absolute minimum. I don't engage with my stepson's mother by phone or text message. She's not allowed in my home either. You can be totally sure that anything you do for your stepson will be met with scrutiny and contempt by his mother. All the while your 'partner' is disrespectful to you by engaging in conversations which are not exclusive to their child and totally unnecessary. You just sound like the unpaid babysitter to be frank.

I appreciate your comment. My partner does his best. He's a good guy and just wants to right by his son and wants his son to know he will always be good to his mum. Like I said it's better than it was and I let him when I'm not happy, believe me I'm vocal about it because it gets too much. He's flat out told her now that whatever is said should be put on this group chat we have because she set it up and if we talk about their son there's no reason not to. As for the babysitter thing, it got to that point a few weeks ago where I felt like that. With lockdown it's been hard. I was never meant to be spending this much time with their son anyway. The clothes thing is a hard one. I get her point their his clothes but we don't like the stuff she buys and she does lose them a lot of the time anyway. So if we buy him things we like to keep them here. It's no big deal but that wasn't the point I was trying to make when I put that message on.

I get that it will always be scrutinised but it is generally because it upsets her and she feels threatened that I don't get. It's never because he's in any danger or that I'm a bad influence. Thanks for your response 😊

[quote stepmumSW5]@Newbieseven oh wow... i don't know where to begin but your situation is so similar to where I was 2 years ago that it gives me the creeps. I would prefer to talk to you about my experience but i appreciate the anonymous aspect of mumsnet.

1. he needs to ignore her chats about other stuff

2. you can never win so don't try to

It seems you've been doing more than she could have hoped for and she should be grateful that you're taking so much of your time to dedicate to their son. Your DC will thank you later for being a loving and participative stepmom. [/quote]
Thank you for this. I really appreciate it. I need to realise that I need to stop trying. It's just in my nature, I make effort and don't see why because their not together things need to be difficult. But it really is getting me down now.

My partner is supportive and I'm constantly telling him if I'm not comfortable but it's now leading to arguments because he can't stop her from messaging and she has a way of wanting his support and he feels if he doesn't he's putting his son in a harmful situation (not physically) because of her mental state. So he struggles. We talk and work through it together but at times I feel like I'm so tired of biting my tongue.

I do the washing in our house (mostly). Having not been working I like to pull my weight in other ways. So his clothes always get washed before he gets sent home in them anyway.

Their son seems to like spending time with me which is nice but I never want her to feel this way....

@Newbieseven I've been spending a lot of time with my stepson dye to the lockdown too..whenever you feel like a babysitter, take a step back, leave him with DP and go for a manicure / watch netflix etc it helps me a lot.

[quote stepmumSW5]@Newbieseven I've been spending a lot of time with my stepson dye to the lockdown too..whenever you feel like a babysitter, take a step back, leave him with DP and go for a manicure / watch netflix etc it helps me a lot.[/quote]
I do try too.... I even used those words to my partner the other week when it all got too much and he apologised. He understands and is grateful for everything I do. I hope this situation eases when lockdown is over 🙈

Newbie come off the group chat. I know she added you but you don’t need to be in direct contact with her as it’s open to misinterpretation. Let your partner take the brunt of it. The three of you are not in a relationship and she is not your problem to deal with.

Take a step back. Help him and love that boy when he is with you but when he walks out that door he is not your responsibility. Also I know your helping out as you can at home but dont be a door mat. Women fall too quickly in to that role.

I can understand why your partner is still close with her, he is worried for his son but if he is that worried he should go for full custody. Otherwise if he thinks is son is safe your partner needs to back off too.

It sounds as though you all have the best interests of this little boy at heart. His mum is obviously unwell and perhaps your coping and stepping in so well is highlighting to her how much she is struggling. I think you and your other half are perhaps good for his stability. Don't take anything to heart, the clothes thing is just her lashing out but maybe take a step back from the chat group and let your OH pass on any information. I hope she is getting professional support.

Thank you for the advice. It's funny you mention the 3 way relationship as its felt like that for a long time. It used to be a lot worse. Which in turn has made it hard to let go of because I'm on pins as to when she'll message him again.

The household role isn't a big thing, I won't be falling into that kind of role. He does pull his weight, I just like to do my bit is all.

I also appreciate the full custody comment. Neither of us want that because he needs both his parents but I gave tried to tell my partner in the past that if he is that worried then that's what he needs to do because I can't live like this and it's also not healthy.

Thank you. I think that's half of it..... We all want what's best. I try not to take things personal but it's not easy when it's constant. I never mean to highlight her failings if that is how she feels. It's not in me to do that. But I can't stop being myself either just because it does.

She says she is getting professional help but we're not sure if that's 100% true. Ive pretty much told my partner now if he entertains anything other than things to do with their son I can't go on like this.

Everything you gave all highlighted throughout this thread is things that have crossed my mind and it's nice to hear that my thoughts are valid and I'm not being dramatic or j reasonable about it all.

The unpaid babysitter, the 3 way relationship, the doormat and being taken advantage of is everything I have felt during the course of our relationship and I know my partner is a good man and he doesn't intend on making me feel that way. He loves me well, takes care of me and supports me in anything I do.

I just hope that this situation gets better. I've read things that state it takes blended families 7 years to settle into a good routine..... I do hope that's not true as I'm not even half way there yet 🙈

www.facebook.com/groups/NachoKids/?ref=share
Try this group on fb. Lots of people years into step parenting with the benefit of experience and hindsight.

It sounds like you’re doing your best with the very best of intentions but for your own sake I think you need to take a step back from his ex: leave the communication down to him and don’t respond on the group chat unless she specifically asks you something by name. It will honestly make things a lot easier for you and it tends to be easier with just one person communicating.
In terms of what she sends your DP in messages he needs to slowly detach; if she doesn’t ask him a question then there’s no need to respond and if he does need to respond wait a couple of days and in the mean time she will seek support somehow else and reduce the reliance on him

Thank you, I am now distancing myself from the group chat. I don't want to remove myself as that may possibly cause more issues after her kind of getting better and being a little more communicative. But I've explained to my partner that I will only comment when needed and in relation to pick up and drop off when I'm involved. He understands and appreciates me and will be limiting his contact even more as it has been gradual throughout the course of our relationship and I have been very patient after all of the change she has personally had.

He always told me they were friends and I always thought that was great as seperation is hard when children are involved and I know it's best for their son that they stay on good terms, but I have come to learn that it is all one sided and she only comes to him with her issues and never once asks about him or how he is. She seems very insecure and immature at times (not saying she is) but with all her problems she has a lot of trust issues. I'm trying to be respectful of that.

I have been in relationships with people in the past who have suffered from mental illness so I have understanding and patience. But it's come to a point where it is now affecting me which isn't fair. So yes, thank you all for your comments, distancing is starting to take place.

Its a working progress I guess but we are getting there.

It sounds like you are doing your best in every aspect.

Keep supporting your OH and DSS but step RIGHT back from everything to do with the ex. Remove yourself from the group chat and let your OH respond to any and all messages, even ones sent to you. Don’t raise anything with her.

I say this with kindness because you’re not doing anything wrong but she is clearly struggling on some fronts and the stress caused either way by things being misinterpreted is too much.

Save your energy for the little one and making him feel as stable and loved as possible, as I’m sure you already do. 5 is such a precious age. Enjoy being with him and avoid the baggage that’s not yours. It sounds like you’re supporting your OH in many other ways.

@MeridianB

It sounds like you are doing your best in every aspect.

Keep supporting your OH and DSS but step RIGHT back from everything to do with the ex. Remove yourself from the group chat and let your OH respond to any and all messages, even ones sent to you. Don’t raise anything with her.

I say this with kindness because you’re not doing anything wrong but she is clearly struggling on some fronts and the stress caused either way by things being misinterpreted is too much.

Save your energy for the little one and making him feel as stable and loved as possible, as I’m sure you already do. 5 is such a precious age. Enjoy being with him and avoid the baggage that’s not yours. It sounds like you’re supporting your OH in many other ways.

Thank you..... I have started to.

Went to collect him yesterday, she's always very chatty about a lot of rubbish about her random stuff among small talk. It went awkwardly silent though when he nipped upstairs to say goodbye to his aunty (her teenage sister). I said to her I didn't mean anything by the clothes comment. She didn't necessarily apologise but said she made a dickish comment when she was busy and just looked and expected me to accept that. Which is by the by. I'm not bothered. Although as we were leaving I realise her boyfriend is sat hidden in the living room whilst all this was going on..... So he heard everything. He hides when I'm around but makes his presence known when my partner is there.... Its obvious their relationship isn't really the same stable one that myself and my partner one have. But that is none of my business. It just highlights I guess how different our households are. So I'm beginning to see how important what we give him here their son needs.

Off we pop to get into the car and he said he had a secret he wanted to tell me but I can't tell daddy.... Intrigued I asked him what said secret was as at 5 you know a secret is usually something trivial or in fact something that's a surprise. But I also said we don't keep secrets from daddy just as we wouldn't from mummy.

He tells me that his aunty has a friend over and that she told him that if daddy found out he would stop him going back to his mummy's house..... WTF?!

Part of the reason his dad took him and kept him here for 10days when she had her breakdown was it was discovered that during lockdown every Tom, dick and Harry was in and out of her house. Not to mention her teenage sisters boyfriend had started living with them because his mum has cancer and was vulnerable. It was discovered that not only was he still visiting his mum/family during this time while living at her house but also he smokes pot so was out at every hour meeting friends and taking his gf (her sister) with him. This breakdown she had that had all contributed to it, as they didn't pull their weight. Their son was spending too much time with the teenagers because his mum wasn't coping and his behaviour was becoming cheeky and he was using language that teenagers use (not swearing or anything like that) but just general cheeky behaviour. When we went to hers at 3 in the morning after her boyfriend called that night, her sister and sisters boyfriend had gone out to find her. They finally did and brought her home but then went out to meet their friends. Leaving his mum with her boyfriend and she had started to become violent with her boyfriend. So he rang again. I simply went and sat in the car (in case she ran again and someone needed to sit in the house whilst the kids were in bed asleep) whilst my partner went in to calm things down.

So I explained to the little one on sharing this 'secret' that I will not be keeping this from daddy as we don't keep secrets from daddy and we should never keep secrets from mummy.

I told my partner when he got home from work whilst I had fed and put their son in the bath. He was fuming, he calmed down and went up to see his son and I told him to be gentle as I didn't want his son to be getting upset that I had shared this secret and break the trust I have with him. But before he got chance to speak with him after he had said hi he told him himself. So my partner handled it really well, possibly told him a little too much about mummy or daddy making sure he was safe in either house (I think that may have been too much for his 5 yo brain to comprehend) but he explained to him that his aunty will be getting a telling off and he will be speaking with his mum about it.

My partner going to talk to his mum when she collects the little one tonight 🙈🙈🙈

I have no words.....

Is there any way you can be less involved with the ex and that whole set up? Going to collect DSS and being part of all the weirdness is very full-on.

So much you can do for and with OH and DSS once he gets to your place. Leave everything to do with ex to your OH and it will take all the stress and complexity out of it all.

Before lockdown I hadn't seen her since Christmas..... The set up we have means whichever house he is at we either drop or collect him from school. It's literally a half half split. Alternate weekends, the weekend we don't have him he is here for 3 nights during the week. We only had that in place for a month before lockdown.

So it should ease once he goes back to school in September.... Before the new schedule we saw her every Friday and every Sunday as we had him every weekend unless we had plans which we always ensured was kept to a minimum.

As it stands the same routine has been kept but instead of collection from school when he has been at the other house the night before is now at alternate houses. So she either comes here to collect him or I go there.

My partners nature of work means he can never do a school drop off unless he's off work. Because he is out of the house by 6am. And he will be able to collect him some days but he's never finished before 3.30 so it would be during after school club time.

Hes picked him up when he can but due to his work changing to coincide with new guidelines he's not home until 5.30/6 most days and his son is then 20minute drive away..... With him only being young he's in bed for 7.30/8 so it's best to keep his routine so not to mess him up.

Like I say it should ease once he's back at school as again it will literally only be telephone contact unless there is some sort of problem. And I've not commented on the group chat since I've got the advice from everyone here.

Half the time he's not ready when I pick him up even though a time has been agreed before I set off so she ends up inviting me in for a few minutes while she puts his shoes and coat on etc. She doesn't do that when my partner goes. Nor does she do it here when he is home and I always ensure it's literally walking him to the door where she is waiting. So it tends to be a bit of a show 🙈

Im just a bit frustrated. As I guess we all are but during lockdown I've seen her more than when my partner and I first got together. That was either twice a week or I wasn't even there when she came or I didn't go with my partner to drop him off unless we went away for the weekend and I would wait in the car anyway. Now I see her 3/4 times a week 🙈

Now latest in the saga.... I have taken the advice here and not been a party to any of the group chat stuff only confirming pick up and drop off times. SS is not yet at school so he has still been staying with me through the days when my partner is at work. So picks ups have been her collecting from me. These have been 9/10 OK however, last September she collected him from our house. She asked him 3 times to put his shoes on and he ignored and continued to bounce around our living room. She did nothing further so I said to him in a polite soft voice come on listen to your mum.... This in itself is not an issue, she kicked off at me at the time and I explained my intentions which she still didn't like but it was done with. The last thing she said to me about it though was I would appreciate in future if you didn't try to parent him in front of me. So since then I have been on pins. Now, for two weeks he has been swinging on a tree whenever we are out front. She never tells him off, I mean ever, so he did this and broke a light. Not bothered about the light in the slightest but she said nothing to him. I spoke to my partner and he said to say something if she doesn't. Fast forward to yesterday. SS was swinging on the tree again baring in mind she has asked me not to parent him whilst she was around I waited for her to say something. Nothing he continues to swing and then breaks the new light we replaced the last one with... So I simply raised my voice slightly and said 'ah (child's name)' he immediately got upset so I decided it wasn't right to go further because it was have caused mama bear to get defensive quite rightly and I didn't want to cause an issue. But instead of saying something him whilst I am picking up plastic from the grass he continues to try and swing on the tree whilst I am in his path..... Now when my partner got home he addressed it with her.... Said that she needs to be stepping up that we are not bothered about the light but he was disrespecting her and me when he knew he wouldn't get told off. She blamed me, I should have said something that she doesn't have duristriction that I was fine with it..... Now let me go to what I have previously said about her. She has specifically told me not to parent him in her presence and now it was my fault that he wasn't told off.... I am on pins constantly because of her attitude. I defended myself outlining this in a mature approachable way, she has privately messaged my partner and said she has tried to be amicable but can't anymore and she is going through a tough time and wants only him and her to do collections and drop offs. So she's ignored my comment about how her behaviour has confused me and I don't know what she wants from me. My partner has said ' no. I don't care if any of us have an issue, I'm trying to bring my son up with respect and healthy boundaries. I'm not messing up his routine for you to be a child. You have no idea what we have been through this past year. Because you don't care and you know what I don't care either.'

She has turned this into an argument when it wasn't and made it out like I was being petty. She's a child and I'm at my wits end. Please be kind here. I'm having a really tough time. Being a step parent is hard and all I've ever tried to do is do right by his mum.

You need to step back more ..
None of this interaction needs to happen

Your dp would need to find a way if you weren't there...
He can pick him up /drop him off before and after work ..
Why have u got him during the day ....if his dad is at work...

You are being badly used here... what's going to happen when you get a new job?

I understand none of this interaction should happen and in a normal circumstance it probably wouldn't. But my partner needs to work because I can't and we need to pay the bills. So it's a rock and a hard place situation at the moment. I don't feel used by my partner. He is an involved dad it's just his nature of work and the fact that covid has taken place that has caused me to be seeing his ex far more.

Im just not sure why I'm being criticised so much and like it's me causing drama. She's such a martyr with everything and I'm just so down about it all at the moment.

Yeah... these things happen because this your DP isn't there to do these picks and drop offs.

If you were not in his life what would he do?

I personally would have said something about him swinging, because it's dangerous and it's your house. I can understand that was difficult though.

If it had been anyone else I probably would have said something but his BM is so mixed with how she is, she doesn't like I'm in his life. Doesn't like me doing stuff and flat out told me she didn't want me to parent in her presence yet I am the one who at fault because my partner has called her on not parenting her own son. A few weeks back he did a drop of..... Normally it's always pick ups she picks up from us we pick up from her but she had car trouble so he was home early enough to take him to her for her. He did a similar thing on a swing set at hers, that wasn't stable, she'd told him 3 times and SS ignored her and she just flat out said oh well he'll only do it once. My partner stepped in and disciplined him in front of her and said you've told him 3 times and he's ignoring you. The point is he's disrespecting you and we don't want him to learn by hurting himself. He should be doing as he's told.

My partner will be picking him up when it's our night on Wednesday and he's going to talk to her.

My partner possibly wouldn't be able to have him 50/50 if I was not around but her mental health issues are not particularly healthy for his son to be around her full time.

If she is not fit enough to look after dc then he needs to sort that out.
He is a single parent and needs to work with the same levers other parents do....

I would suggest you focus on going back to work as you are setting yourself up for misery otherwise..

You seem more concerned about her reactions than DPs responsibilities to his child.

Hi Ladies, desperately looking for some advice..I’ve been with my partner for 2 years we each have a son from our previous marriage who are both 7 years old. My son is aware and completely fine with my partner.

However my partners doesn’t have a great relationship with his ex, they use a communication book to communicate and do not text or call. They split up 5 years ago. However his ex has recently found out about me and has poisoned her sons mind. Initially his son was absolutely fine around me and hugged me and talked to me however now he keeps his distance and is not engaged and will tell his dad he doesn’t want to come and see me and my son. She has completely poisoned his mind which I don’t know with what and I have no idea how to deal with this?
On top me and my partner have purchased a house which we all were planning to move into however based on his sons attitude we are scared we may end up losing him and he will want to go and stay with his mum which is what his mum wants.

Help