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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling with my step kids

58 replies

MadameBee · 26/07/2020 20:04

Please be gentle with me - I have had the shittest week (one of my two year old cats was hit and killed by a car this week and I am devastated, they are my “babies” since some of my kids left home - I am off loading, I do care about and love my DSDs.

They come EOW and have done for 10 years.

It’s a 5 hour round trip to get them.

They sit in their bedroom on their phones all weekend and dinner time is painful and silent and it’s like pulling teeth trying to get any conversation out of them. DSD1 complains about doing any physical activity (swimming, cycling or a walk) and she texted her dad in advance to let him know that she has a sore leg and won’t be partaking in any activities, although managed to walk to the cafe and back along the seafront for breakfast yday.

Their mother is currently out of work as is her partner and they have two cats which they haven’t had neutered and they continually have kittens (some of which have died) and DSD was almost boasting that they have 9 cats atm which I found incredibly insensitive.

DSD1 can be really argumentative and rude and defiant and texts her mother whenever anything happens which she doesn’t like, who then calls DH.

It’s been pissing with rain all weekend so we have struggled to find things to do (DH did manage to play Monopoly with them yday) and they have mainly spent the whole weekend in the bedroom glued to their phones.

I just wonder what the bloody point is (I only see DH at weekends if at all and EOW I feel like I am held hostage and trapped at home.

DSD1 has also been told she is lactose intolerant by her GP and refuses to drink and milk alternatives I provide and then makes a huge palava about feeling ill after she’s had three mugs of hot chocolate with cows milk in them.
ARGH

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

MadameBee · 26/07/2020 20:08

Also they point blank refuse to say please or thank you to anyone and It mortifies me.

OP posts:

Isthisnothing · 26/07/2020 23:41

Sorry I don't really have any advice - if you read my posts I'm not really loving the stepmother life myself - but I didn't want to read and run.

This sounds really hard. I'm so sorry about your cats. How old are your SC? Do you need to be so involved with them?

ZombieFan · 27/07/2020 00:28

Sorry to hear about your cat.

They sound like typical teenagers, they probably dont even want to be there and a such a long car journey eow wont do anything for their mood either.

Just leave them in their bedrooms to play on their phones, its normal behaviour nowadays and you can carry on with your own weekend.

Its also normal for some teenagers to hate physical activities, just let them be. Its not your role to entertain them. Leave their dad to sort out what milk they do or dont drink.

I also think they would probably be better off staying at their mums but that is for their parents to decide.

jessstan2 · 27/07/2020 00:37

I'm not sure why you love your DSDs - care about them, yes though I suppose that is a kind of love.

"DSD1 has also been told she is lactose intolerant by her GP and refuses to drink and milk alternatives I provide and then makes a huge palava about feeling ill after she’s had three mugs of hot chocolate with cows milk in them."

Why do you give her three mugs of hot chocolate if she is lactose intolerant?

They sound pretty normal to me, just leave them alone to get on with it. It must be a bit of a pain doing such a long journey regularly, that would tire me out before the weekend even starts. They will soon be having a social life and not be told where they have to be at weekends; it's also possible they will meet people near where you live as they get older, and want to meet up with them which will take the pressure off you.

jessstan2 · 27/07/2020 00:38

PS: I'm so sorry about your cat.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2020 00:45

I'd be finding somewhere else to go when they are there. Could you visit friends or family?

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/07/2020 00:50

Sorry to hear about your cat.
Just take a step back, do your own thing most of the time. Do they use your wifi? I would just turn it off for some of the time.

Magda72 · 27/07/2020 01:41

Op I'm not one to say typical teenage behaviour as I know plenty of civil polite teenagers! Saying it's typical just excuses rotten behaviour imo. Of course all teens have off days but constant laziness & rudeness is just letting them get away with bad behaviour.
All that being said it does sound like they don't particularly want to be there & honestly I do understand that. Peer groups are everything to teenagers & I think teens who have to move between two houses find this very difficult unless both houses are fairly close by each other.
Atm I have two teens, 18 & 14. They were with me this weekend and I barely saw them. They were with exh last weekend & he barely saw them. They go to him eow but we all live in the same town so eow doesn't interrupt their social lives. Obviously they do spend time with both of us on our respective weekends but generally they spend more time with their friends.
A five hour round trip eow must feel tiring & a bit pointless to them & again to reference my own set up, if exh ever had to move (which might happen with his work) we have agreed that access arrangements would have to change as neither of us would expect the kids (given their ages) to leave their lives behind eow just to hang out with dad all weekend.
I think it would be worth looking at this as their dad making a day trip to their town once a month & them coming to yours once a month might be nicer for them.

Magda72 · 27/07/2020 01:41

Ps - very sorry about your cat. Pets are the best & losing one is extremely hard .

EKGEMS · 27/07/2020 02:01

I'm not a stepparent but a mom of a only child with special needs but I wanted to send you love and support about your kitty cat. We had our elderly cat put to sleep late spring due to renal failure and I was bereft for days-and I knew it was going to happen. Take good care of yourself.

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 08:10

Thanks for your kind messages.

They only have to do 2.5 hours of the trip.

They don’t do a lot at home and have very few friends.

OP posts:

Breastfeedingworries · 27/07/2020 08:20

The thing is they properly only have very few friends as they’ll miss out on doing things at weekends with them. So and so’s birthday might fall on dads weekend ect. So they might not be counted as the “best” friend. I think having to move that far every weekend could really be affecting them. Then they’re not their long enough to have meaningful relationships there.

I’d talk to both of them with your Dh and see what they have to say.

Also forced fun activities don’t work with teenagers, they really want to just chill a lot.

Breastfeedingworries · 27/07/2020 08:20

Also very sorry about your cat xx

Breastfeedingworries · 27/07/2020 08:20

Every other weekend I meant*

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 08:26

Can you try to see it from their POV?

As teens, they’re likely missing their friends - and their friends live in their phones, especially when they’re so far away from home EOW.

Is there any way they could bring a friend occasionally?

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 08:27

Oh and I’m sorry about your cat xx

Also ask dsd what milk alternatives if any she wants and just buy them. Rather then feeling you need to try to choose and provide the right ones.

Ragwort · 27/07/2020 08:30

I hate saying 'it's typical teenage behaviour' but in many ways it really is ... we don't see much of our own teenager, he does his own thing, spends hours on his phone but at least he has his own friends and sporting activities to get on with. It sounds a little as though you are trying too hard to play 'happy families' ... take some time to do your own thing, you don't have to be 'available to provide entertainment' all the time the DC visit.

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 08:33

I do also agree with others. I think your expectations of teens doing family walks and family activities is unrealistic.

Can’t you just do your own thing at the weekend if it bothers you that much?

Sicario · 27/07/2020 08:41

Go out and leave their dad to deal with them.

Blueuggboots · 27/07/2020 08:46

How old are they?
I presume she made her own hot chocolate and drank it?!
I'm
Afraid being glued to their phones is par for the course and the comments about cats - I'm sorry but you're being over sensitive.

RandomMess · 27/07/2020 09:00

How old are they?

Do they actually want to come every weekend or would they prefer to come less frequently but for a bit longer in the school holidays to compensate?

It sounds pretty miserable for everyone tbh!

Magda72 · 27/07/2020 11:44

Op @Breastfeedingworries makes a very valid point. My dd (because if the age she was when we split) was never a best friend nor ever had one in primary school as she missed out on a lot of playdates etc. on her weekends with her dad. This was a combination of exh wanting the kids to spend all their time with him & other parents not knowing exh & just not thinking to get his number etc.

Things are much better now she's in secondary school because a) exh lightened up a good bit & b) she's not dependant on her parents to establish play dates etc. - she has her own phone & can organise herself. However, I feel that if she had to be removed from her social environment eow it would definitely affect her inclusion in things as she'd miss out on so much.
It doesn't matter if kids don't have that many friends but it does matter if they can't be with the ones they have.
My exdp & his 3 teens developed a very unhealthy dynamic (imo) whereby on his weekends with them all four of them hung out together exclusively to the point that the kids wouldn't organise or accept any invitation in their weekends with dad. When we split his were 19, 16 & 13 with barely a pal or a social life between them. They were ridiculously dependent on exdp for entertainment & every weekend was spent entertaining them (at great expense).
Teens of course need their parents but imo they need them as background support as they find their feet socially & move out into the world. I think too many nrp put their wanting to see & missing their kids ahead of what's actually best for their kids development. Imo it's more of this treating kids of divorce differently to kids from 'normal' families & honestly it does them no good long term.

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 11:45

Coming is optional for them, which they know, it’s not enforced (by us).

They are 15 and 13 and age helps herself to the milk and was asked what alternative she would like.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/07/2020 12:00

That's kind of a sad state of affairs.

Have you asked if they would like to bring a friend each with them (perhaps Mum doesn't allow sleepovers or encourage friends)?

Have you asked what they would like to do?

They sound a bit depressed tbh. Not because they are on their phones but they don't have any pull to stay at their Mums and the attention seeking behaviour and refusing to use manners.

I can see why you are struggling!

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 12:01

They don’t come if they have stuff on and they have brought friends.

OP posts:

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