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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling with my step kids

58 replies

MadameBee · 26/07/2020 20:04

Please be gentle with me - I have had the shittest week (one of my two year old cats was hit and killed by a car this week and I am devastated, they are my “babies” since some of my kids left home - I am off loading, I do care about and love my DSDs.

They come EOW and have done for 10 years.

It’s a 5 hour round trip to get them.

They sit in their bedroom on their phones all weekend and dinner time is painful and silent and it’s like pulling teeth trying to get any conversation out of them. DSD1 complains about doing any physical activity (swimming, cycling or a walk) and she texted her dad in advance to let him know that she has a sore leg and won’t be partaking in any activities, although managed to walk to the cafe and back along the seafront for breakfast yday.

Their mother is currently out of work as is her partner and they have two cats which they haven’t had neutered and they continually have kittens (some of which have died) and DSD was almost boasting that they have 9 cats atm which I found incredibly insensitive.

DSD1 can be really argumentative and rude and defiant and texts her mother whenever anything happens which she doesn’t like, who then calls DH.

It’s been pissing with rain all weekend so we have struggled to find things to do (DH did manage to play Monopoly with them yday) and they have mainly spent the whole weekend in the bedroom glued to their phones.

I just wonder what the bloody point is (I only see DH at weekends if at all and EOW I feel like I am held hostage and trapped at home.

DSD1 has also been told she is lactose intolerant by her GP and refuses to drink and milk alternatives I provide and then makes a huge palava about feeling ill after she’s had three mugs of hot chocolate with cows milk in them.
ARGH

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Beamur · 27/07/2020 12:09

It does sound a bit joyless! I wouldn't worry too much about screen time, it's probably what they do want to do at the moment.
I'd leave their Dad to it during the day tbh and maybe try and have a meal together in the evening, maybe watch a film of their choice afterwards? Try and do things that they like rather than walks etc if they're telling you they aren't interested in that. It's tricky the moment as so much is still closed.
Do you have any game consoles? There are some which you can play multiplayer games which are fun for families.

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 12:11

A lot of the activities at their mums involve alcohol.

They go to he local social club a lot and their mother is the president or something.

I despair a bit at the lack of imagination, we will say do you want to go for a walk (on their own) and we have given them money and dropped them off in town.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 12:13

Yeah DH got the Wii out this weekend and they quite enjoyed that.

We like paddle boarding and kayaking but they are both very weak swimmers.

It’s hard as it is the only time I see DH so I don’t always want to go off alone.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/07/2020 12:24

Stick life jackets or bouyancy aids on them??

Magda72 · 27/07/2020 12:32

@MadameBee you do have my sympathy - teen years are tough no matter what the set up.
I had v similar with exdp's three - the lack of imagination was head wrecking & they were only happy if money was being spent - so I eventually stopped doing anything with them & left them all to it.
Do you get to see your oh on the weekends the kids aren't around?

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 12:41

I think it’s a bit irresponsible to take kids into the sea paddle boarding etc when they cannot swim even with a life jacket (which you should wear anyway).

OP posts:

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 12:45

Teach them to swim?

RandomMess · 27/07/2020 12:45

Phew glad you wear life jackets!!! I suppose it depends on sea conditions you and your DH ability to help them when they fall off/in etc. Are they not interested in improving their swimming?

Do they just not like outdoor stuff?

I also wasn't sure if it was sea or lakes etc.

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 13:16

We have tried to teach them to swim and we have paid for lessons.

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Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 13:20

Can your DH take them for a stretch in the summer and book them in for “learn to swim in a week”?

Otherwise, honestly they sound normal and bored. My teen doesn’t do family walks Or board games either.

It must be so hard for them to be 2.5 hours away from friends so often it would make it really hard for them to socialise.

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 13:24

I don’t think DSD1 is struggling to socialise at all she’s on Insta 24/7, which is what she does at home. They don’t have friends over very often.

We did book them in on one of those courses but they were embarrassed as all the other kids were tiny and they are tall for their ages anyway (both about 5’8, 5’9).

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Namealreadyinuse1 · 27/07/2020 13:27

@MadameBee

Also they point blank refuse to say please or thank you to anyone and It mortifies me.

I have this with one of my SDs who is 16. I now just say “what’s the magic word?” and stand there till she says it. Her sister is super polite though. I also have the same problem with food. Whatever I buy or make she refuses to eat even after she has told me where she likes a certain item from and I buy it she then says she doesn’t like it. I now just leave her and my DH to sort. They both spend all their time in their rooms (but whilst they’re up there she’s not being rude to me) & also lack the imagination to just go for a walk....unless money is going to be given to them

RandomMess · 27/07/2020 13:27

I got my teens private swimming lessons during the summer hols was much better tbh. Mine have always struggled with swimming turned out one had dyspraxia!

Sounds quite typical teen behaviour tbh.

Do you think wall/rock climbing or cycling would be more their thing? Watch a Netflix series together?

Get them baking?

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 13:29

Private lessons is a great idea!

Beamur · 27/07/2020 13:42

How about geocaching? Growing in popularity and makes a walk more interesting.

Iwonder08 · 27/07/2020 17:03

OK.. Why do you care if they are glued to their phones? It is not your job to entertain them or make sure they have enough physical activities. Have a long bath, go for a walk, meet friends when they around.. It is your DH's problem to deal with all these

Ragwort · 27/07/2020 17:43

You need to let them have time on their own with their Dad, you sound a bit needy wanting to be with your DH 'because it's the only time you see him' , maybe the DC would prefer to be on their own with their Dad without you always being around.

Newbieseven · 27/07/2020 18:03

So sorry to hear about your cat.....i lost a pet last September (dog) and he was a huge part of my life when I was single and he was only 4.

Its a tough one. Teenage years are always awkward, and things have changed so much on the social media/technology side of things it's difficult to think of things they would enjoy.

Perhaps they do want more time with their dad but I don't know?!

Someone suggested geocaching.... How about pokemon go? It's on their phones which they might like but it will get them out socialising and meeting new people too. They can play it how they choose to?

jessstan2 · 27/07/2020 18:05

@MadameBee

They don’t come if they have stuff on and they have brought friends.

Oh well, I think you can put up with their general lack of activity every other weekend. They really are quite normal and they are 'big kids', not little ones. Nothing to stop you doing your own thing while they're at yours, they don't need you to entertain them. Do buffet meals where possible so they can take what they want when they want and just chill.

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 18:28

@Ragwort

You need to let them have time on their own with their Dad, you sound a bit needy wanting to be with your DH 'because it's the only time you see him'

, maybe the DC would prefer to be on their own with their Dad without you always being around.

Needy to want to spend 6/8 days a month with my husband? Really?

They get plenty of time with him on their own, as he works in the same town as them and he has them once a week for dinner, I am also not always around - and I actually get on very well with them when I can engage them in conversation.

They never bother contacting him anyway, even on Fathers day and his bday which was the whole reason we pay for their phones (so they could call and text him).

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Newbieseven · 27/07/2020 18:34

I don't feel you are needy, I thinks it's important to have quality time with your partner and if that's when you are with them I don't feel there is any harm in that.

Dont take some of these comments personally. A lot of this is snapshot and out of context.

Positive vibes from me 😊

RandomMess · 27/07/2020 18:40

They are old enough for you and DH to go out without them? We go out and often when we get back at noon they're still in bed and usually asleep!

RandomMess · 27/07/2020 18:43

Is DH a Disney Dad? Does he indulge them and refuse to pull them up on awful behaviour?

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 19:34

So if he works by them why can’t he have them down by where they are?

Original poster

MadameBee · 27/07/2020 21:02

Because we would then only spend 4 days a month together?

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