Frustration

[peonyfairy03]

So we have been having DSD every other weekend and a couple of times in the week now for tea all going well DSD is sweet and I get on ok with her. It’s been a work in progress because of her mum being manipulative and telling her I’m a evil step mother. My frustration is she has sent DSD to us in snow boots yep snow boots in the middle of summer. So in the week her dad took her to get new trainers and sandals. DSD has just come for the afternoon turned up back in snow boots when asked where her trainers or sandals are she replied mummy doesn’t like them so put in the bin. The shoes where what DSD chose nothing to fancy white and pink trainers and pink Sandals with a butterfly on. I’m so frustrated with the waste of money and poor DSD. Her mum has just said next time give her the money which we did at Easter time but no new shoes have been apparent. Sorry for venting DH answer is what can I do I’ll give her the money. He’s just ordered DSD some new ones and I’ve said they stay here he said I’m being unreasonable.

YANBU.
If Mum is going to play these games you will see all the nice things you buy DSD vanish.
It's petty and silly and the only person who will get hurt is your DSD.
Keep some clothes/shoes at your house and send her back to Mums in the clothes (presumably) she sends with her. If there's something your DSD particularly likes, let her take it.
If your partner is paying sufficient maintenance then he doesn't need to give money for shoes - especially if they end up in the bin!
Behaviour like this is not good for the kids, rise above it.

That’s exactly what I think. He pays well above what he should for maintenance always have done and always lots of extras. She does appear to want to play silly games she has moments where she is fine I don’t have anything to do with her then she just goes off on one.

We had this from my DSC mum.

In December last year in the snow she would send them out in flip flops & shorts. They aren’t allowed to bring anything to ours. Over the course of contact all their clothes had gone home and nothing had been returned. My OH had to take them into town buy them new winter shoes, coats etc in shorts & flip flops.

We realised they would go home in the clothes they had here and we would never see them again.

The same thing would happened on the next pick up and the next and the next.

After 4 x of this happening (and at the time my OH was paying £800 per month maintenance) he said enough was enough.

Now before the kids go home they change into what threads they came from in (usually dirty and full serves of holes). It’s a control game.

It’s really sad, as the only people to suffer are the kids and my OH has always had the opinion that the clothes, stuff are the kids. But in our case it couldn’t continue.

I would advise to return the kids in what they come and and stop her games.

I can't believe she threw them away, how wasteful. YANBU, just keep the stuff you buy her at yours and send her back in the clothes she came in

Talking about it with DH he said when he picked DSD up he mentioned the snow boots and did she have something more appropriate and was told you know where the shops are. That’s what we are going to do send her back I what she came in. I agree it belongs to the children not the adults. I had this with my own children but fortunately after 7 years it’s all calmed down.

We have this too. They were being sent in snow boots in the 30 degree heat until recently and now it's super nice trainers for one DSS (3 sizes too big so he falls over) and shoes for a two year old when DSS2 is 4 years old. They pinch his feet and he cries. They also show up in the rattiest pajamas at 3pm.

We've had issues with buying the kids nice stuff and never seeing it again so now we change them the moment they get to ours, wash the clothes and back they go in whatever Mum sent them in on handover days. I'd just send her back in the shit mum sends her in and keep the stuff you need at yours. No more money off your DH if she's going to bin stuff.

Thank you it seems it’s a lot more common than it should be. Does anyone actually have a uncomplicated life with step children and birth parents??

In my case it will never be uncomplicated as the kids mother is completely bat shit.

They’ve been divorced over 7 years and it gets no easier at all.

The key I have found is to give her no head space and keep your boundaries. People like this don’t change, they are so psychologically damaged they think their behaviour is normal.

It’s so sad - my DSD is so damaged by the behaviour.

Good luck.

She needs to go home in exactly what she arrived in. And I mean exactly including pants and socks.

It's the only way to stop this nonsense when they're little.

My ex lost parental responsibility so that's all done and dusted.

My step kids mum has stepped it up again of late. She's a nightmare and getting worse. The kids are now teens and suffering badly.

This is considered a difference in parenting style however to stop these games send the kids home in exactly what they came in even if it is their school uniform.

If the shoes are too small get cheap shoes from somewhere like Primark and tell the other parent in writing exactly why they are wearing the newshoes. Also ensure your OH keeps communication to the minimum preferably in writing. Any verbal requests or agreements must be followed up.with an email.

If you have yet to agree a Parenting Plan then put something in the Parenting Plan that the child is to travel to each parent with a rucksack of certain named items that includes returning clothes the parent they are residing with has provided. If you then go to Court this can become part of your Child Arrangements Order.

As others have said just put them back in the clothes they wore when you pick them up, keep the nice stuff/things you buy at yours at least then you know they have stuff that fits and is appropriate to wear at yours.

You have some restraint! If she had said to me "you know where the shops are" I would snap back "yes so do you. and you put what I bought last time in the bin so I'm not doing that again"

Another vote from me to send back exactly how they arrive.
I learned that one the hard way, and clothes I bought also ended up in the bin out of pure spite.
Became normal after the first few times, don't let it get to you.

He pays well above what he should for maintenance

Then he can give her a months notice, cut it back a bit, and explain why.

We have the same. Kids’ mum totally bat shit.

In the end we did as previous posters suggested, bought new clothes and kept them here.

This went down to things like laptops and playstations too, especially after she phoned at 10pm one night complaining we were using our spotify account for DSS1 to listen to a story and us to listen to music. She’d taken the details from DSS1 and decided to use it for herself

It is absolutely about boundaries and you (I’m afraid) have to act like it doesn’t bother you. We had some damage to DH’s car during lockdown making it unsafe to drive. She refused to collect the children because it caused too much ‘emotional distress’. She would rather he drove there in an unsafe car than collect her children from a house she left.

No problem, here’s my keys, take my car.

Don’t be beholden to them - when they go low, you go high. Teach your DSD what normal human beings look like

I'm sorry but when did mumsnet become "lets hate mums"
How do you know she put them in the bin?? The child said??

I think you need to give her a break and realise that being a parent is hard and what if the child wants to come in snow boots...hell we've walked around Tesco some days in pjs and slippers because it was easier than the tantrum...
I dont think you should be on here discussing how much your husband pays in child maintenance and what she does it with...quite frankly none of your business..
It should be left down to your husband to speak to her and talk about the snow boots not a bitching feast online

@Mum2Girls19 your post had really made me cross.

This is the step-parent part of the forum. Are you one? Because it's a shit job and yet this woman is doing her best. Is you comment in anyway helpful? Personally I think you've been extremely offensive.

The only information the parents have is from the DSD. So as far as they know they're in the bin. The father asked.

The OP can share any information she wants. And if she didn't some other poster would say it's drip feeding.

BTW am also a stepmum (and a stepdaughter myself) it is entirely possible to have a good relationship between divorced parents (DH and his ex have co-parented kindly and peacefully). But if does make it easier if both sides are mature and thoughtful and put the kids needs first.

I didn’t want to offend any one like I seem to have done. I was purely frustrated that was all. Yes DSD told us her mum had put them in the bin. When DH took DSD home tonight mum confirmed she didn’t like the shoes and put them in the bin as DSD would never wear them and could he refrain from buying his DD clothes unless he sends pictures first and it would be better for him to give her the money instead so she can buy the clothes. I just think it’s ridiculous and from seeing other people posts it seems quite common maybe it’s a jealousy thing I’m not sure. not once was I questioning her parenting.

Thank you for your comments

You haven't offended me OP

Beamur

We also do the change when they get here and then go back in what they came in. We make sure all their nice stuff we buy stays here as if it goes back we never see it again either.

You didn't mention his old your DSD was. Did she like the trainers? Did she choose them?

It really is such a childish game with the clothes and a parent who sends their child out in snow boots or any other unsuitable clothing is doing a poor job.

It seems they're are as many stupid mothers as they're are fathers when I read this forum. This kind of thing is not in the child's best interests.

Sounds like you'll have to keep stuff at your house to end her stupid games! Don't bite at her games and keep things in writing to her. Also like pp said your hubs could deduct the amount off next monthly maintenance if it continues (with a months notice.)