Stepkids running the show

[Isthisnothing]

I will try to summarize this without leaving out too much info -

I'm with my fiance four years.
He has four teenage children from his previous marriage.
His ex has tried to cause trouble for us as a couple many times. He used to try to keep the peace but he now stands up to her very firmly. I find her very controlling and unpleasant. For the first couple of years I tried my absolute best to get on with her but now I ignore her.
He has a family member who causes trouble wherever she goes. She is estranged from her family due to this but is very involved with the stepkids. She is very wealthy and manipulative.
My partner and I have one child, a toddler.

At first things were fine. We muddled along together. He loves being a dad, being with his family, is very involved. His ex ended the marriage with him.

The eldest daughter is extremely jealous, aggressive and nasty. That's fine, she's had a lot to deal with. But she is highly manipulative. She would make demands and if they weren't met she would smirk and say "then I guess I'm too busy to come this week." The demands got ever more outlandish (eg - myself and baby were to be told leave the house when she came or dad was to buy her jewellery to the same value as my engagement ring) and when he told her no enough times (but would compromise by offering to meet her elsewhere or buy her something appropriate for her birthday) she stopped coming altogether.

The next daughter repeated the same behaviour and has now vanished.

The third one is now following to a tee. By me a horse or I won't come over anymore.

My partner is devastated. The eldest two will not speak to him at all. When he tries to talk to them at the door they smirk and threaten to report him to the police for emotional abuse then they send a link to the latest iPhone they want. Or they hurl relentless nasty abuse about how pathetic he is. One claims he hit her and I stood there watching. This is entirely untrue.

I often hear phrases that I know came directly from his family member. His ex also lies to them about maintenance and him hiding money (we have shared finances).

I don't know what to do. My heart is broken for him. There is no way to see what is really troubling them or reassure them they haven't been replaced by our child.

And I must admit a part of me wishes he would tell them to do one. I can't bear the abuse they throw at him.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

@Isthisnothing I can't say that I am in this position, but I didn't want your thread to go unanswered.

Your situation sounds awful, but you and your DP sound like you are doing the right thing and not pandering to their ridiculous demands. Hopefully, as they become fully-fledged adults they will realise that their DF was loving and supportive throughout their lives. However, if they don't it isn't a reflection on your DP, it is a reflection of the poor attitudes of the other influences in their lives.

Sorry that I couldn't be more helpful. Xx

Sadly there are some mothers who will use their children to get at their ex regardless of the harm it will do to the kids. It sounds like that is the case here . Kids are very self centred at that age but yes I can see how you feel sad for your partner .

Thanks for the replies. I feel at my wits' end. He says no to big things but not little as he is watching the little one slipping away. For example he is supposed to see her certain days per week. She will message on the day to say her mum is taking her somewhere so she's not free. If he tries to reschedule for another time in the week she will only agree on condition he does what she wants. This happens every week now. If he's firm he doesn't see her.

It doesn't matter if we have plans already that day or no childcare while I'm going for chemotherapy etc. A couple of times I was taken to hospital and her plans were slightly interrupted (as in the time changed). She will stand with her arms folded and lips pursed as if she cannot believe our audacity and then say " drop me back to mum's afterwards" instead of staying in ours.

I've always maintained that pandering is wrong, we need to set standards and always be mutually respectful and considerate. I stand by that. The problem is his other two have disappeared from his life and I feel powerless watching it happening again.

We used to get on well. It doesn't sound like it but I do believe the girls like / liked me. The eldest and I butted heads a bit because she was used to getting her way about absolutely everything. Things fell apart when she tried to forbid me naming the baby what I wanted and I as gently as possibly told her that I welcomed her suggestions but we would make up our own minds ultimately. She was sixteen at the time. I think she expected her dad to overrule me and couldn't cope when he didn't. Everything started unravelling with her then and the others followed suit.

It's hard to paint an accurate picture which examples - each individually could be explained away or shrugged off but it's literally relentless accusations, demands, negotiations or punishment.

This sounds so awful, that are basically being encouraged to abuse him. It's surprising he has had a breakdown. He needs to put his mental health first for a while or he won't be around for any of them.

Sorry do you mean hasn't had a breakdown? He hasn't so far and he is very happy with me and our child AFAIK but it's all sullied by guilt.

I don't know if this is relevant but I wasn't the OW and his ex loves telling anyone and everyone she is so glad to finally be rid of him. She has made obnoxious claims to me that he can't move on from her (I see absolutely no indication of this). I sometimes wonder did she think she could kick him out, try out single life and have him back she wanted so was shocked when he moved on. Or is she just furious that he met me and is happy when he doesn't deserve to be? Regardless of her reasons I think she is behaving appallingly. She is now best friends with his estranged family member despite having no time for her during their marriage. Family member tried to drag me into her crazy games and was met with a hard no. She drips poison into the children's ears, I've heard it.

I don't ever see us being a blended family again now, the two eldest are starting uni. The best I can hope is my partner regains a relationship with them separate from us.

I just don't know how to support him. I also don't know what to do about the younger - I feel it's inevitable it will go the same way. When i think about how I behaved with the elder sisters i don't think I would do anything differently. I've never said a harsh word to them beyond 'no'.

Sorry... Meant hasn't had a breakdown... : ) x

He needs to let them all go and make it clear that if they make demands and ultimatums, they need to understand that it’s not happening

They know he’s scared of losing them.

So that’s what they work on. He needs to lose that fear and tell them that as young adults they will hear the word NO more than they hear YES, and that they won’t get anything with emotional blackmail.

And mean it.

They will soon see they catch more flies with honey...

They have to see that being a part of a family means they a choice, behave with kindness and respect or don’t and stay on the outside.

Be tough, be hard, never ever cave. They will have to come round, and on the off chance that they are actually awful people to the core, it’s better they aren’t part of your circle

We’ve been through similar, we’re not compromising our happiness and peace for the sake of those addicted to drama. When they get over themselves it’ll be a different story

In the meantime they really are no loss at all. Life is so much better without the manufacturered drama all the time.

Sadly backing away until they grow up and take responsibility for frankly being disgusting dc is the way forward. Your dh is missing out on a toddler who does actually I presume want a lovely df around..

I couldn't have a child behaving like that and they can both pay their own way through university.

I doubt that they would engage in family therapy, but if I were in your DHs position I would suggest this.

Why is it they listen to this one family member of his and not all the others? Do they see their paternal grandparents? Aunts or Uncles?

It just seems very odd that they listen to the one person who is poisonous.

Some issues that might account for some of ......

How good a relationship did he have with his children before the split?

How soon did you get together after the split?

How soon into the relationship did you have the baby?

What did the children think was the reason for their parents splitting up?

I think you need to put both of your health first for a while. He must be heartbroken and you mentioned you are going through chemotherapy.

You've done all you can but unfortunately they are being totally unreasonable. I would just tell them the door is open but allow yourself the headspace to focus on yourselves.

Their behaviour is vile. I total agree with @MzHz and others that he needs to stop chasing them.
Step back, wait for them to come to him. Nothing good will come of chasing them more - he has shown he cares and now it’s time to let them see that such behaviour doesn’t get them anywhere.

I hope their mother/other relative are proud of the damage they have done.

If the elder kids are old enough to go to uni theyre old enough to stand on their own two feet and pay their own way; too old for maintainance, they'll have to get jobs and find out what life is like. It's a bit different dealing with what are essentially adult children not little kids. If they want to be treated like adults they have to act like it.

I think it gets to a point you guys have to focus on yourselves and your health, you've done every thing you can but they're now adults. If they choose not to be involved it's up to them but at the same times it's not worth the drama or being in contact just because they want something from him. May be as they get even older they will change but it sounds like they may treat other people this way, can only imagine how they may treat a boyfriend for example.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, awful, enraging, heartbreaking. I agree with others that you have to hold reasonable lines, not pander to strops or blackmail and put your energies into each other and your child. Your little one needs and deserves you both to be as whole and happy as possible. It really sounds grim, they’ve been terribly failed by their mother but as older teens and adults they can’t expect to be treated like small children. Their actions have consequences and it’s your right to limit the damage they can do to you.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

You are all saying what I've been saying all along. I have always refused to enter negotiations or allow us to be held to ransom. I just tell them they are welcome, I am here if they wanna talk.

I do worry though about what's behind it all. Do they think their dad just got a new family and doesn't want them anymore?

To answer some of the questions above -
Their relationship with their dad was pretty good and they wanted to spend more not less time with us. We said it was fine with us but only if ok with their mother. I have seen them be nasty and abusive to their mother. They call her ugly, old, desperate, an alcoholic. She claims they are typical teenagers (definitely not in my experience).
This troublemaking family member has daughters their age and the rest of their dads family live overseas. They don't see much of them.
I was pregnant within two years of meeting their dad - not ideal I know but time was not on my side.

Oh sorry missed a couple -

I met their dad almost two years after he officially moved out. I think they started separating about a year before that.

They don't think the breakup was anything to do with me but I know it was very very hard on them. It is why I really try to cut them some slack.

There were no third parties involved but it was messy and for the kids I'm sure, very painful.

My dh has a dd early 20’s who, like your sd, started making demands for cash and jewellery.

The more he gave, the more rude and aggressive she became, even telling dh he “couldn’t buy her”. In the end she cut him off. It’s jealousy... of you and your child.

She recently started seeing him again after a huge cash payment and car. He’d rather that than the pain of no contact. I’ve had enough, simply refuse to see her, let him enjoy.

What a disgusting bunch of people, the 'd'c included. If they are old enough for university they are old enough to know they are being vile. They sound spectacularly immature.

I could never imagine demanding anything from either of my parents. Messy divorce is no excuse, I've been there, it didn't turn me into an absolute pig of a person who abused my parents.

Sounds like mum and this family member also have a huge part to play.

Your DH needs to set boundaries as hard as it may be and stick to them.

My husband kids 22 and 25 think they can tell us how to live and used to ask for things all the time until we got married and I pointed it out to him. Now he doesnt give in one hates me and thinks I'm the reason it stopped and the other is lovely. The one that hates me causes problems all the time, she is self centred and gives my husband shit all the time. They dont speak much anymore but have done recently, I get cross as he just agrees with her and doesnt stand by me at all. Iv put so much effort in and taken everyone on holidays including abroad ones, if never had a thanks for any of it. Today my husband and I are staying apart as we argued last night about it. It's so hard, I am having to distance myself now as it upsets me so much. I'm even distancing from my marriage which is actually what the child wants.

That's so hard @tictac86. It is driving a wedge between you. I don't really have any advice because obviously we are not making a great success of it in our house.

We have had three attempts at holidays - we invited them and they've said they want to go. Then after its booked they've started making demands for changes and putting conditions in place in exchange for agreeing to come. When they didn't get their way (change dates to accommodate a party / upgrade the sleeping arrangements / change location to be beside stables) they come good on their threats not to come and leave us out of pocket with flights etc. They have then sneered at our holiday plans and said they wouldnt be seen dead. They get taken on very upmarket holiday breaks by their mother and other family members on her side so they are not really missing out. I'm sickened by the financial waste but more so feel hurt and humiliated. The eldest ironically went into a frenzy of rage when we took some breaks as a couple demanding to know the details, how much it cost and that sort of thing. Her dad firmly tells her its none of her business how much he spent but this just seems to stoke the flames.

He is so battered by it all, I think he is close to washing his hands of them.

I try to support him. I'm afraid if I give advice, I will be seen to be the person responsible for driving them away.

Honestly I feel out of my depth. I have in the past dropped cards off for them with a little bit of chitchat and saying I hope they're doing well, we miss them and we / I are always here if they need anything or want a chat.

I don't even feel like doing stuff like that anymore. My parent died recently, I got no acknowledgement (they were told) and then his eldest messaged me the next day rudely ordering me to do something for her. It took every bit of self restraint not to lose it with her.

‘My parent died recently, I got no acknowledgement (they were told) and then his eldest messaged me the next day rudely ordering me to do something for her. It took every bit of self restraint not to lose it with her.'

Just lose it with her.
She’s horrible and needs telling it straight. I’m so sorry for your loss.
And demanding to name the baby etc. She’s also a loon. I'd have laughed in her face.

I would lose it too. Dont give in to demands and if she questions it say you're not rewarding bad behaviour (if she's going to act like a child treat her like one) and you dont gave to do things for an adult who is supposed to he selfsupportive who is disrespecting you, and only contacts you for money. You're not a bank. Ask her to contact you when she wants to spend time together and not your money, see the radio silence then.

Your husband is right to say how much he spends and what on is none of her business. How much does she earn and spend?! Shes not a child shes an adult, he can be more independent now.

Giving in only loses money in your pockets, it's not going to build or improve the relationships with his kids. If he wasn't spending money would they bother with him? Will they still expect gifts and bail outs in their 30s? 40s? 50s? Asking him if they're joining him on holiday?

They know they have power and they're abusing it, expecting you to keep giving in so there is no reason for them to change their ways. what they're not expecting is for either of you to say no or enough is enough.

The cause is that at some point down the line, your husband was a poor father to them. Like you can't steal a man who doesn't want to cheat, you can't create a relationship fissure between a parent and child where there isn't already pressure on the surface. One child being estranged is bad luck, when your getting to two three you really do need to be stepping back and examining where you went wrong. Not everybody else in the world can be the bad guy and your husband the poor, innocent victim.

They do not find him trustworthy, they do not find him reliable, they do not find him loving. Why? And don't blame the mother and family member. It's something his done that has reduced his worth to them to little more than a wallet in their eyes.