Stepkids running the show

[Isthisnothing]

I will try to summarize this without leaving out too much info -

I'm with my fiance four years.
He has four teenage children from his previous marriage.
His ex has tried to cause trouble for us as a couple many times. He used to try to keep the peace but he now stands up to her very firmly. I find her very controlling and unpleasant. For the first couple of years I tried my absolute best to get on with her but now I ignore her.
He has a family member who causes trouble wherever she goes. She is estranged from her family due to this but is very involved with the stepkids. She is very wealthy and manipulative.
My partner and I have one child, a toddler.

At first things were fine. We muddled along together. He loves being a dad, being with his family, is very involved. His ex ended the marriage with him.

The eldest daughter is extremely jealous, aggressive and nasty. That's fine, she's had a lot to deal with. But she is highly manipulative. She would make demands and if they weren't met she would smirk and say "then I guess I'm too busy to come this week." The demands got ever more outlandish (eg - myself and baby were to be told leave the house when she came or dad was to buy her jewellery to the same value as my engagement ring) and when he told her no enough times (but would compromise by offering to meet her elsewhere or buy her something appropriate for her birthday) she stopped coming altogether.

The next daughter repeated the same behaviour and has now vanished.

The third one is now following to a tee. By me a horse or I won't come over anymore.

My partner is devastated. The eldest two will not speak to him at all. When he tries to talk to them at the door they smirk and threaten to report him to the police for emotional abuse then they send a link to the latest iPhone they want. Or they hurl relentless nasty abuse about how pathetic he is. One claims he hit her and I stood there watching. This is entirely untrue.

I often hear phrases that I know came directly from his family member. His ex also lies to them about maintenance and him hiding money (we have shared finances).

I don't know what to do. My heart is broken for him. There is no way to see what is really troubling them or reassure them they haven't been replaced by our child.

And I must admit a part of me wishes he would tell them to do one. I can't bear the abuse they throw at him.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

@lukasiak

They do not find him trustworthy, they do not find him reliable, they do not find him loving. Why? And don't blame the mother and family member. It's something his done that has reduced his worth to them to little more than a wallet in their eyes.

I agree with this. This type of behaviour from all the children wouldn’t have come out of nowhere. My guess is there could have been issues with him paying his maintenance before you met him which then blew out of proportion when they saw you ‘join finances’ and live a better life than they did / do.

Sadly I don't think it's always automatic that these issue stem from the father not stepping up.

From my experience it's just as likely that in trying to maintain a positive relationship that some children (usually aided/encouraged by other other parent) use the situation to be manipulative.

Teenagers can be a nightmare even within the most supportive household and the idea that they must always have experienced some "trauma" at the hands of their parent(s) as the reasons for acting out is naive.

I've no way of knowing what the true picture is here. I can only go on what the OP has posted.

On the basis of what she's said I'm struggling to see her partner as the bad guy here (unless there's a narrative we don't have access to).

Rather I think his parenting "failed" when his eldest started with this tactic and he started "compromising" with her.

I'm sure he had the best of intentions, but as soon as you start giving in to emotional blackmail it comes right back at you.

Yes, he didn't give the eldest everything she wanted but he did show by compromising (eg meeting in a coffee shop rather than the house) that her threats had power and it sounds to me like she continued to capitalise on that - something that her younger siblings also learned.

OP I don't think there is a magic bullet here.

Sadly I think the only thing to be done is to not keep repeating the same mistakes by "compromising". If that means the youngest following through on threats the so be it.

All your DH can do with all the children is to keep in touch as best he can by text/email/letter and let them know he loves them and will be there for them but equally that he's not going to manipulated.

Keep sending birthday/Christmas cards and presents with loving messages even if you don't get a thank you.

Hopefully as they mature and become more independent they'll come to the realisation themselves that any rift in the relationship was of their making not their fathers.

@lukasiak I have also looked for the answers to these questions but I can't find them.

The eldest broke her silence the other night and it was hours of abuse over messenger. He showed me the conversation. He repeatedly kept telling her he loved her, missed her and wanted to be a part of her life. She called him every name under the son, said he was a loser and an embarrassment and that he had hidden money and not paid maintenance in the last year. She said he was hiding money to get out of it. She also said she didn't want a relationship except a financial one and sent her PayPal details.

He hasn't missed any maintenance despite being out of work. He's currently back in (well paid) employment. He isn't hiding money unless he's hiding it from me and I can't imagine he is given it was tricky enough trying to get our mortgage through. My mum was helping us out a bit financially which we both hated. Money was very very tight, I was sick, he had to take me to hospital a lot and we needed childcare while we were gone. He still kept up the maintenance. We have shared bank accounts.

I'm not saying he hasn't given them reason. I'm saying this isn't it. I can't say for sure what went on before I met him.

I know that family member spreads vicious lies. I have witnessed it first hand.

I have decided to just step back from it all, enjoy our shared daughter and let the chips fall where they may with his own. I don't think I can do anything to change anything and frankly I don't want the two eldest in the house anymore given how hostile and aggressive they are.

I hope he does regain a relationship with them eventually for all their sakes.

Op you have my full sympathies. My partner has 2 kids, one adult and one 15 years old and they basically milk him for all they can get. If he’s not taking them out, buying them expensive gifts or spending lots of money on them then they don’t want to know. They even feel like they are being hard done by if we make them a home cooked meal when they visit rather than taking them out to a restaurant or order expensive take aways.

It annoys me so much when people say that if a father has no contact with his kids then he must have done something bad or be a useless father. My partner has tried (and will continue to try) so hard to maintain a loving relationship with his kids but they constantly manipulate him and emotionally blackmail him into giving them whatever they want. They haven’t spoken to him for weeks now because he dared to compromise and put his foot down.

It’s horrendous.

My heart goes out to you. I’ve three stepchildren and the older SD19 is a nightmare. Her mother has abdicated responsibility in the last five years so there is a huge amount of rejection and hurt in the background. Unfortunately this is often directed towards me simply because of the role I’m in. I try not to take it personally, some days more successfully than others. There is little risk in her lashing out at me as opposed to her father. The kids live with us full time so we have constant issues to navigate.

There does come a point where boundaries need to be set. You can’t love someone out of a bad attitude, instead a person needs to see the consequences of their nastiness. In this situation, it would seem that some financial consequences for the daughter (not sure what the legal arrangement is but no way should she be demanding money to her PayPal) could be an appropriate route but that is really up to their father to instigate. (My mantra is “not my circus, not my clowns”)

It sounds like you’ve stayed classy and dignified throughout, I’ve tried the same route and made every effort to stay true to myself. It’s so hard though. There are constantly these poisoned darts flying about (like you, DP's extended family are active members of the circus). I have told my DP that I'll support him but he needs to keep me out of harm’s way.

I don’t really have any advice apart from saying I know (to some extent) what you’re going through. Take plenty of time for yourself and your little daughter. The most important thing is that you get and stay well and try not to lose yourself in all of this.

How awful OP.

You're handling this situation with grace considering how manipulative they're being.

The older SD are young adults and need to realise there are natural consequences to behaving in a bratty and manipulative way. As long as you and DH behave courteously then it's on your SD to decide how to behave.

OP l too am impressed with your good grace and fairness.

No magic answers l am afraid, although l would not tolerate their appalling behaviour under any circumstances

I think the fact they also treat their mum this way is a clue and perhaps key.

Somewhere during their upbringing (before you were around I suspect) boundaries haven't placed.

I'd almost suspect that when they abuse their mother her defends is to slate their father.

For example when they call her a fat ugly alcoholic she possibly responds well at least I do x y and z for you and that's more than your father - he doesn't pay enough blah blah.

I think you are handling this great. Sounds like he is too.

Hopefully as they are moving to adult hood they'll realise what they are doing to the relationship.

For example when they call her a fat ugly alcoholic she possibly responds well at least I do x y and z for you and that's more than your father - he doesn't pay enough blah blah.

Pure speculation.

Sometimes there are no simple answers or solutions. No one can say with any certainty what impact any divorce is going to have on the particular children involved. Parents do not always have the resources or knowledge to know how to fix or mitigate the impact on their children.

Your husband and his ex are no different from so many of us. You do what you think best and then you hope that it works or maybe you seek outside professional help

Losing contact with your children has to be among the most painful things that can happen to a parent. Thinking that your father/mother no longer considers you a priority in their life has to be among the most painful feelings that a child can experience.

I think that the worst thing that will happen is that one day both father and daughters will look back on this period and regret the time lost.
Sadly we do not get do overs on some life experiences.

Maybe, given time and maturity, father and daughters may find their way back together.

OP, you cannot fix this situation. Only the father and daughters can resolve the estrangement that exist among them.

We went through a period of estrangement last year - the older 2 refused to see their father for 6mths. It was awful and really painful for all concerned, it seemed to come out of nowhere. In our case, while my DH is not perfect, their mother did leverage a normal teen outburst into a huge ‘us against them’ situation. My step kids were fond of me and i knew it, but I was blamed for all sorts. It was bizarre. It took counselling for the oldest and (somewhat unfortunately) their mother overplaying her hand a bit to sort it. My husband had to ‘grey rock’ it...’I love you and I am always here for you, but that is a hurtful thing to say and unfair’ on repeat whilst pushing for mediation, counselling etc. The kids just turned up one day in January with their bags, full of apologies and admitted it had all got out of hand and a lot of it they didn’t mean. All seems to be well now and has been since Jan. We try to be open about how we all felt to avoid any ‘rug sweeping’. I had my doubts but my husbands approach did seem to work and it was one of unconditional love, regular offers of support, help and so on whilst being clear that respect for him, me and the family we had built was non negotiable.