Teens lying around in their rooms all day, every day

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I need to get some perspective on whether this is normal. Two stepsons, 19 & 13. Eldest back from Uni until Sept. I also have a 17 yo daughter. They all only come out of their rooms to eat and other than that we don't see them. I don't think I can take an entire summer of this. They don't lift a finger in the house. I resent basically looking after another grown adult (19yo) although my husband is now doing all of his kids washing as I said I'm not doing it any longer and the eldest needs to understand how to work the washing machine and take some responsibility.

My 17yo has a job and does more in terms of going out and seeing friends when she's not working, so I'm not as worried about her. But the boys don't go out/see friends/go for walks or do anything but sit in their rooms (presumably gaming?) The eldest has just got himself a job which we had to push him to do because we told him he's not lying around every day all summer. So he started this week. But when he's not working, he's just in his room.

Is this normal? Should I be chucking them out of their rooms once a day for a walk and some fresh air?

Nah I'd leave them. I went through this stage at their age and by the time uni finished was a fully fledged adult going outside for fun.

They need to do their share of chores though! I was always expected to contribute but I think their free time should be their own really unless they're doing something harmful

I’d never have been allowed to do that! When do they exercise and tidy up the house that they’re sharing with you?

I’d absolutely not stand for it. Some down time, yes. Of course. But also they need to cook some family meals, exercise, take part in family life with a board or card game and generally stay part of reality.

Normal.

I do dinner call my 18 year old if she wants it she eats with us. If not she makes her own food.

She cleans her own room/changes bed and is responsible for cleaning main bathroom.

I dont let her do her own washing due to limited drying space so I have a rota I use but she is responsible for putting own washing into utility space.

We have a dog and I get her to walk her q few times a week to help and get fresh air.

Other than I leave her. She has her own room and her own things to occupy her.

Leave them to it.At least they aren't lounging around the rest of the house making a mess.
I would not be touching their rooms either or doing any washing.My DD stays a lot in her room so she sorts her own breakfast/brunch out.

It all sounds quite normal to me. Don't worry about it.

I couldn't get worked up about teenagers chilling out. One of mine is rarely seen. The other is out working 5 days a week and meeting up with a friend most evenings to go on a bike ride. They are very different people.

Exercise? hahahaha they don't do any! That's my point!

I think it's fairly normal and I wouldn't bother making them take a walk. But you are right to make them do washing, clear up after themselves etc.

A fried said Teens are like feral cats, they turn up looking for food and hiss at you.
My 15 year old is practically a hermit.
All school work is being completed and turned in, she's attending school once a week and comes grocery shopping with me once a week.
Other than that she eats with me at dinner, and is actually more pleasant and polite and seems happier than when in school all week. I'm happy she's happy and relaxed so I'm not worrying about all the x-box and phone use going on.

They will do stuff if asked, but I'd just like for once my life for someone to notice that the dishwasher is full of clean stuff, and empty it. That the bin is full, and empty it instead of ramming even more rubbish into it. There's no initiative. They expect everything done for them.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

That's not because they are teenagers. It's because they haven't been taught to do think and do.

Could you have set chores for each of them? When I was a teenager I always cleaned the table after dinner, and my sister always emptied the dishwasher. We didn't need nagging because that one thing was just our job. We also helped with other things when my mum asked but I think those small, regular jobs would be a good start.

Sounds normal, even without them having to social distance.

That's a good idea @asofanearyou.

I feel your pain.

I have 2 DSC (12 & 15) who do absolutely nothing, and just want to sit in-front of screens all day.

They do absolutely nothing at their mums house (I shit you not, they are not even allowed to make a piece of toast for themselves).

My OH and I have tried to teach the ethos that we all have a part to play running the house and help each other. It’s a loosing battle and they can’t be bothered. I’ve now started to detach.

Came home recently after working 12 hours to find them still in their PJ’s at 5pm, dishes and wrappers all over the house and they haven’t washed or brushed their teeth (they aren’t able to without being reminded).

They have no interest in becoming independent adults - they have no interest in learning to cook etc.

I’ve now detached and am going to let their parents deal with the fallout. To be fair my OH tries but it’s difficult to influence when you only see them EOW.

The oldest won’t leave the house and spends all day on her phone. Instead of turning it into a battle, I see it as when she’s in her room she’s not bringing her hormonal miserable attitude to the rest of us.

Good luck.

My frustration is that my husband won't make them do anything. He says he will, then just ends up running round after them week after week. Should I just leave him to it? It just makes my angry that a 19 year old can live an easy life in our house, fully paid for, without lifting a finger. I resent him coming and taking everything for granted. The youngest will go the same way if we don't set an example.

The problem when you leave then to it is that then there is food getting made and eaten at all hours of the bloody day and the same with laundry . It's a horrible age to have them !

I meant shall I leave my husband to run round after him, rather than making him do stuff. However after my blatant disapproval he's just made the 19 year old get out of bed to hang washing out. He's making a right dog's dinner of it. Thankfully none of it is mine.

Should I be chucking them out of their rooms once a day for a walk and some fresh air?

Definitely not the 19 year old but I’d encourage the 13 year old to at least get out in the garden for half an hour if you have one. At 13, he is still very much a child and needs parenting.

They should all at least be keeping their rooms clean and tidying up after themselves. The 19 year old should be living as an adult in the house and so I think should be making dinner once a week at least and doing things like putting a bin out of it needs it.

I don’t make my kids do much but they tidy up after themselves, look after our animals including walking the dogs. They both spend time in their rooms but they like to chat to us or watch a film together, it makes all the difference if they want to spend time as a family.

Well hanging out washing is good. ...fair play to your partner for that.
Maybe a set 'chore' each and other than that leave em to it?

Read: Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town.
Brilliant book that explains how teens adapt through puberty and late teenage years.
Perfectly normal and healthy for boys to hide in their room for years.
(I won't go into why, you'll probably need to read the book not to be freaked out if you are female).

I would leave your husband to it. It’s the only way you are likely to force a change (he’ll soon get tired of pandering to a man child).

My DSD is an extremely fussy eater and will only eat oven vanilla food. Fine. I cook one meal and her dad can cook her separate oven food (she’s 15 YO and unable to use the oven herself). She doesn’t have any additional needs, just refuses to and expects everyone to run around after her. Which I’m not going to do, so let her dad crack on with it.

I rarely do their washing and don’t strip or change their beds. It’s hilarious EOW going through exactly the same routine. They are 12 & 15 and are asked to strip their beds and can’t manage it. EOW we go through the same routine - they are sent back upstairs numerous times as they have ‘forgotten’ something. They haven’t ‘forgotten’ they need to learn to think for themselves and take some responsibility. I leave my OH to it.

My DSD is an extremely fussy eater and will only eat oven vanilla food. Fine. I cook one meal and her dad can cook her separate oven food

So even though you are cooking, you won’t put her food in the oven? Because she doesn’t like the same food as you. That seems a bit harsh.

@JamesArthursEyelashes

Nope, not anymore.

I cook from nutritious child friendly meals scratch and refuse to get into the situation of cooking separate meals for everyone.

If she won’t eat what I’m cooking for the family (which are things she’s usually eaten before but has suddenly decided that chips & nuggets are a better option) then she can cook it herself or her dad can.

I’m not a short order cook running a restaurant.

NorthernSpirit

It just seems a bit petty and pointless if you’re cooking anyway. Each to their own though.