Teens lying around in their rooms all day, every day

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I need to get some perspective on whether this is normal. Two stepsons, 19 & 13. Eldest back from Uni until Sept. I also have a 17 yo daughter. They all only come out of their rooms to eat and other than that we don't see them. I don't think I can take an entire summer of this. They don't lift a finger in the house. I resent basically looking after another grown adult (19yo) although my husband is now doing all of his kids washing as I said I'm not doing it any longer and the eldest needs to understand how to work the washing machine and take some responsibility.

My 17yo has a job and does more in terms of going out and seeing friends when she's not working, so I'm not as worried about her. But the boys don't go out/see friends/go for walks or do anything but sit in their rooms (presumably gaming?) The eldest has just got himself a job which we had to push him to do because we told him he's not lying around every day all summer. So he started this week. But when he's not working, he's just in his room.

Is this normal? Should I be chucking them out of their rooms once a day for a walk and some fresh air?

It just seems a bit petty and pointless if you’re cooking anyway. Each to their own though.

I think you've missed the point. @NorthernSpirit is cooking for everyone, but one child refuses to eat what she's cooked. She's simply refusing to cook separate meals which I totally agree with.

I had this situation with the youngest stepson a couple of years back when he picked at what was put in front of him as it had mushrooms in or some other excuse. He went hungry if he didn't eat what we had cooked, and guess what, he eats anything now!

Not everyone likes the same food. I think it’s very petty to be cooking and not spend 2 minutes putting something in the oven for a member of your family. And then making her dad do it.

and guess what, he eats anything now!

There’s certain foods I would not eat. Do you really eat everything? Nothing you won’t eat?

I think some people make an issue out of something that doesn’t need to be one.

I've got a 17 year old who spends almost all day every day in her room. I think that's pretty normal. She talks to friends online and at the moment I'm not worried if she isn't meeting up with them in person.

She's responsible for her own room and is finally changing the bed fairly regularly without prompting.

She hates washing up so our agreement is that she cooks the family dinner 3 times a week in exchange for not having to do the dishes. Other than that, no set jobs although I'll occasionally ask her to do a job (eg get the washing in off the line if she's at home and I'm at work).

She does have a part-time waitressing job in the evening so that's getting her out of the house again, but she only started back last week; she was furloughed for most of the pandemic.

If a child is over the age of around 8, and doesn't want what the rest of the family is having, they are normally capable of making a bowl of cereal or a sandwich. But they don't need a special meal made on demand, IMO.

But they don't need a special meal made on demand,

I don’t see putting something in the oven a special meal on demand.

You crack on then @james if you want to pander to fussy kids. It will do them no good in the long run!

You crack on then @james if you want to pander to fussy kids. It will do them no good in the long run!

Well, as my kids are well into their teens with no major issues, I’m not really sure what you think will happen. I don’t think it’s pandering to accept that not everyone likes the same food. My kids are good kids, no issues, they’re polite and aren’t overly fussy with food although they both have foods they won’t eat, as do we. Pick your battles and all that..... or take issue with everything and have problems I suppose.

James she's not describing a child that will politely eat most things but has certain things they just don't like, she's describing a kid that will refuse foods they have been perfectly happy to eat in the past because they want chicken nuggets. That is bad behaviour, it's not remotely the same.

That is bad behaviour, it's not remotely the same.

Bad behaviour? At 15 to want to eat chicken nuggets and not a meal that she doesn’t like.
I don’t agree. Anyway, this is derailing the thread. As I said earlier, each to their own. My kids have turned out well despite my ‘pandering’.

It is ridiculous to suggest forcing a 19 year old out for exercising, yes you could encourage the 13 year old though.
Seriously you have brought up a girl, teenage boys are very different.
At least they are not cluttering up the rest of the house and are in their rooms.
You need to take a step back and relax about this, you certainly cannot control the 19 yr old. Pick your battles and certainly leave the eldest be.

It's normal, not saying it's right but it's very normal. Teenagers at the moment are even more vulnerable to this behaviour. Dd is online with friends at least

Bad behaviour? At 15 to want to eat chicken nuggets and not a meal that she doesn't like

A meal that she does like but doesn't want. To refuse to eat healthier alternatives despite being more than old enough to know about the need to eat vegetables. To expect someone to cook an extra meal you could easily cook yourself even though they've made it clear for years they only cook one family meal. Of course it's bad behaviour, you're the only one in disagreement. Congratulations on your kids turning out fine but this is a perfectly normal rule.

Congratulations on your kids turning out fine

Thanks. 😇

There’s so much I could say but it’s pointless. 🤪 Good luck.

@aSofaNearYou totally agree!

I can’t believe parents/step parents pander to these demands. No wonder there’s a whole generation of snowflakes now thinking that the world revolves around them and their demands. We are seriously doing these kids no favours.

I absolutely love this and it’s so true. Personally I’m sticking to the method my mum used:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=fhLBFl6qzx0

My SC's were usually very tired during the holidays. They can look after themselves if they're at Uni but maybe coming home is a break from that treadmill for them too. I didn't run round after them, but neither did I expect them to automatically know what jobs needed doing. But if asked they would help, clean their rooms, walk the dog etc. But if they wanted to relax and spend time lounging around, I wasn't too bothered. It's only a few weeks out of a lifetime. Better I thought that they felt at home.

I can’t believe parents/step parents pander to these demands. No wonder there’s a whole generation of snowflakes now thinking that the world revolves around them and their demands. We are seriously doing these kids no favours.

And yet despite my ‘pandering’, I’m not the one having problems with my children. They spend time with us as I said in my first post, the eldest has a part time job, they tidy up after themselves, both cook once each week, iron, load the dishwasher, walk the dogs and manage to eat most foods. I don’t think they’d be described as snowflakes. I think I’ll keep doing things my way as it works for us.

To be fair I know a some extremely fussy eaters (adults) and I can only assume that their parents cooked them a different meal if they weren't eating whatever the rest of the family was having.

Interestingly, my youngest stepson continues to be fussy at his mum's house when he knows that she will cook him brown food if he turns his nose up at the family meal. But at my house the first thing he does when he arrives for his stay is ask what's cooking and get excited about the prospect of dinner. Very different behaviours!

Hmmmm
both my children have Autism and sensory issues.
So we have a pretty limited range of meals.
Pastas, Roasts, Risottos, Pizzas, Pies (fish, steak, chicken), curries, sweet and sour / noodle type dishes. Mostly from scratch.
Nothing too spicy. It's a bit monotonous tbh.
One wont eat eggs, the other doesnt like garlic.
So, I accommodate those two issues and basically cook nursery food and if someone doesnt want to eat they make themselves a sandwich / bowl of cereal with no fuss.

Getting them out of their rooms for a walk / chore / social event is a challenge. But, home is where they get to practice for the 'real world' so sometimes they get to goof off but sometimes they have to get on with it. Lockdown has been long in this house but we are getting there.

That's different though @OldLace and I can understand your approach in those circumstances.

I feel you re lockdown being long. Roll on September and fingers crossed that schools and universities open.

Ah sorry @chocolatesaltyballs22
maybe I missed the point of the thread (tired, the caffeine isn't working!)

No probs! 😊

Staying in their rooms except meal times is normal teenage behaviour.

Teenagers are known for being lazy and they do need prodding to get out there.

They'll be on social media and having zoom catch ups.

To be fair I know a some extremely fussy eaters (adults) and I can only assume that their parents cooked them a different meal if they weren't eating whatever the rest of the family was having

It’s best never to assume. I was certainly not a pandered to child about food, yet I still have foods that I don’t eat. Maybe it’s best to just realise that it’s not always being fussy to not like certain foods but instead a case of people genuinely not liking them. Also, tastes can change, just because you’ve ate something before doesn’t mean that you will always like it. Food can be a control thing for young people though so I’d be mindful of that.

Interestingly, my youngest stepson continues to be fussy at his mum's house when he knows that she will cook him brown food if he turns his nose up at the family meal. But at my house the first thing he does when he arrives for his stay is ask what's cooking and get excited about the prospect of dinner. Very different behaviours!

Maybe your stepson has some issues that need looking into.
My children have always been very consistent with the food they don’t like, it doesn’t matter where we are, they just don’t like it. It’s not always bad parenting as this thread seems to hint at. It’s a good job I’m not a snowflake, I could get offended. Like I say, regardless of the unpleasant undertone of a few posts aimed at me, my children are good kids, do their fair share around the house and have a good diet, so I’ll keep doing things my way. Maybe it’s the ones having issues with their kids that should look at their parenting techniques instead.

Honestly, I am largely leaving them to it (16,18,20). They appear as per their natural rhythms to scavenge (16 @ noon, 20 @ 1.30ish, 18 @ 3ish). Between the three they are expected to do recycling, take the rubbish out, and cook dinner (loosely once each per week) and empty and refill the dishwasher. It’s part of being in a household.
I’m not getting them out of bed though. I’m enjoying seeing how natural rhythms develop given choice. I have no desire to engage in pointless arguments about why they should be upright at any given time 😬
We did instigate a lockdown challenge to cover lands end to john o’groats by human power though. 16 religiously heads to garage to exercise bike every day. 20 goes on long walks into town once or twice a week (and I ask her to grab a couple of things), 18 occasionally drags himself out on his bike. He’s back at work next week though so his 3pm risings are going to be trickier
I get much more contact and socialization out of them if I ignore them completely
By September I expected to have one left. Instead all three are here until at least January. Might as well muddle along ❤️💕

@Northernspirit
I completely agree with not pandering. DD's boyfriend moved in for lockdown. He was too scared of me polite to be fussy about food and as a result has tried so many new foods that he wouldn't have eaten before. He has to pick out the occasional kidney bean but it has been a really positive experience for him.