Does your DP like your kids?

[peekaboob]

Having a rough time anyway at the moment with DP and me so I'm trying to work out if this issue is just an extension of our issues or a separate wider issue.
Sometimes I get the impression that DP doesn't actually like my kids. He can be an arse at times and isn't good at hiding emotions (unless it's happiness - seems to be hiding that one quite well at the moment ) We share a toddler DD as well as me having 3 kids, preteens to teens and he has a preteen who he sees EOW.
Tonight one of the preteens was doing something that does annoy me, he'll recreate noisy battle scenes with figures and I do tell him to keep it down a lot however this is how the conversation went tonight:
Child: pow pow psssh uuugh
Me: can you just tone it down a bit?
Child: but I'm playing!
Me: I get that but just be quiet....
DP: yeah just be quieter
Me: or you can play upstairs in your room and be as noisy as you want.
DP: yeah you can go upstairs.
Child: there's nowhere to play
Me: you can play on the Flo...
DP: you've got the carpet, play on that.
Me to DP: errr alright!

DP didn't say a word to him prior to this or after.
Took toddler for bath, hasn't said a word to teen who came down as we were going up.
DP shouts down to teen: just had to shut your door to stop toddler going in there!

Now won't see either of them until tomorrow evening as they're all upstairs reading and he's putting toddler to bed. I had to stop him reading to toddler as she was listening but not paying full attention so he started reading in the most bored voice as fast as he could.

He's getting crankier as he gets older (mid 40s) if you've read other stuff I've posted his dad is an absolute wanker and DP is still scared of him. And he's under a lot of pressure as it's only him working in his company at the moment so his day is packed then straight to me for toddler, gets home 10ish then has to shower and walk dog so I get he is tired.
We don't live together, been together 6 years. Both houses currently otm to buy together.

Is your DP ok with your kids 100% of the time? Or has lockdown thrown it all out the window too?

Anyone?

My ex broke up with me because he "couldn't stand" my DC. Probably not very helpful :(

To be honest I would get quite annoyed at a DP's children making noisy battle scene noises and I like them very much. I don't know if what you've said indicates that he doesn't like the unless there is more to this.

@KylieKoKo I agree it's annoying, it is an annoying sound. It was more of the not talking to him prior to this nor after and it was the only interaction he had with him and my teen today - both negative.

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander yes, I'm wondering whether to just ask him outright. I'd rather know now that when we've joined houses and he's speaking to them like a piece of crap all the time.

@peekaboob is he generally kind to them? Or is he always like this?

@KylieKoKo it really depends on his mood. I don't know whether because I'm pissed off with him that I'm noticing more. He'll do nice stuff for them, like takes one of them out to do an expensive hobby, buys one of them a subscription but the stonewalling then unless it's negative is getting more frequent.
I have a few people in my life questioning why I'm moving in with him. But that includes a friend who has a DP that talks to her child like rubbish so I'm wondering whether it's normal that some people can't hide their disdain for non-bio kids.
I think DPs child is annoying but would he ever pick up on that? Absolutely not. I address him as "my darlin" and include him as much as my own.

I don't think you should move in with him if his behaviour towards your children makes you feel uneasy.

If you are even asking this question you should not move in with him.

People have annoyance to other people including kids. It might not be about about him not liking or being annoyed with your kids. Are you expecting too much? Are you being defensive or your children (as many parents are)? If you really think he’s not nice to your children then you know what to do but you can’t expect him to be super excited to have your three kids around all the time.

To give benefit of the doubt and a different pov, it kind of sounds like the interactions of a stressed and tired dad at the end of a long work day. I think he probably thought he was backing you up when you said about the noise. (Me and my OH tend to add a yes please keep the sound down when then other says something to the kids when they're loud, so they know we agree). Maybe with the bedtime story even tho she wasn't paying much attention he was enjoying the time together anyway and was maybe a bit deflated from your comment to stop reading.
I think even the most enthusiastically overtly loving and nurturing people can get annoyed by little things like noise and stuff, and responses may be more shorter or clipped when tired or other stuff on mind.
The fact he does do nice things and takes them out, helps with hobbies things is a good sign he does like them. If he is being snappy theres a chance he may not even be conscious of it, hes probably got stuff on his mind affecting the way he seems atm x

While @cherryrainbow is right I don't think that the benefit of the doubt is enough when you're considering moving in with someone with your kids.

He is probably being silent rather than saying anything rude/unpleasant. 3 kids of that age+toddler are a lot to handle after a long working day. You don't like him not saying anything, would you prefer him to tell off your child? I suspect not, he just should be friendly at all times irrespective of the circumstances.
Given your thought process you shouldn't move in with him or in fact anyone until the kids are adults.

@Iwonder08 by being silent I mean the only interaction 75% of the kids, including our own, received yesterday was negative. He didn't even say Hello.
Think I'll just ask him outright.

It's more I don't want the kids feeling that they can't relax in their own home, not the other way round.

As the DP in this scenario, I think I probably come across as a bit of a cow sometimes. Whilst I love them both, I find one of them a lot harder to be around than the other; the eldest will come and sit with me in the lounge just to be with me, and will sometimes chat to me about life and will show me memes on his phone, and I love it. The younger one will demand a lot more attention and her behaviour is often poor. My fiance has told me that he is happy for me to 'parent' them, for lack of a better word, and that if I think a behaviour needs to be called out, then I am able to do so. However, I can see that this ends up looking like I nag the younger one a lot and very rarely tell off the older one.

I love them both and I enjoy having them in my life. But after a long day or week, it can be hard not to be narky, especially when I want just a few moments peace and quiet. I very much doubt your DP doesn't like your children. He may just be struggling and then taking it out on you all, which is not acceptable, but it may be the reason. xx

He's in his 40's and there are all these children about, 5 of them, I don't think he even likes children. I've never met a man who really loves other peoples children.
In your 40's you don't want to be bothered with young kids. Did he actually want the last one, was the toddler planned?
My ex tolerated my son because he was at university when we met but had he been younger I'd not have seen him for dust.
I;m not mad on kids, I loved my own one child but I'd never marry a man with three children that weren;t mine. I'd find it all way too much.

Don’t move in with him. Your children must be your priority.

I had dc when I met dh. He didn't. He invested time heavily forming relationships with them.
Or he would not have been part of our lives.
Teen ds's is is amazing with.

@madcatladyforever yes, toddler was planned and it was his idea however the other night my youngest asked him who was harder to raise as a toddler; our one or when his child was younger and he said he stayed at work longer as he was a difficult child. Him and his ex split at the same age ours is now.

People who know you in person are saying you shouldn’t move in with him-that means he must be dreadful, people usually half heartedly agree with others and stay out of it, so for them to advise against it..must be warning bells galore. You have a lot of kids between you, there would be no benefit to them in forcing your boyfriend into their home, it would solely be for the sake of your sex life. Keep him away from your kids and enjoy your relationship with him, as a separate thing. Forcing boyfriends into kids homes never goes well, even if the mother deludes herself into thinking otherwise.

Why did you decide to have a baby without living together first? Did something happen that meant you couldn't see how you all got on as a family first?

@excelledyourself we would be unable to live together, toddler or not, until both houses are sold. Neither one is big enough. Pre-toddler it was different. We were able to have time apart - we spent EOW together as a couple then the other weekend we'd spend Sunday morning all together before he's summoned to his parents for lunch (which still happens and I'm not invited - whole other thread )
We've holidayed as one family a few times and it's been ok. I'm just now wondering whether the reality of no break from the kids is going to be too much.

@excelledyourself should have also said he'd come over 3-4 nights a week too pre-toddler.

To be fair to him, what you've described just sounds like a stressed out dad at the end of a long day, it may be in his tone but I can't see anything wrong with what he said to your son. I also can't help but notice your use of language when you say you "had" to stop him reading to the toddler because they weren't paying attention. You didn't "have" to do anything, it's his child too, as a PP said he might have been really enjoying that moment. Given that and you being quick to think he is being too snappy with your kids, I would say he might have cause to feel a bit micromanaged, which is coming out as cranky.

Having said that, I'm not sure what you meant by him saying with one of the children he stayed at work a lot. That potentially doesn't sound good but it's not very clear from your post.