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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting mum of step son

32 replies

ifeelsickwithnerves · 29/06/2020 14:59

My husband and I have known each other over 25 years and dated years ago for 3 years before we went our separate ways for work. I have been back in his life for 3 years and we got married a while ago. Anyway, I told my husband out of courtesy he should tell his ex about us for the sake of his 7 year old that comes to us every other weekend. He didn't because he was frightened she would stop him from seeing his son.

Anyway this weekend step son goes home and says that Daddy and I have a new house (we moved as lockdown hit so this is the first time he has seen it) and was explaining to his Mum that he has a new room and that he has a gaming room and that Daddy and I have our own room. Que husband (he knows he's a twat) getting a call to ask if we were together which he answered truthfully, and then 10 minutes later getting another call asking if we are married because there is a wedding photo on the wall that dss has mentioned, of which he also did not deny.

Now next time we have dss his Mum wants to meet me, and although rationally I know she is only concerned with the welfare of her son and I completely understand why she wants to meet me it is making me irrationally nervous.

DSS only calls me by my first name here, neither my husband or I have said anything other than I am DSS friend if he asks about the relationship between he and I. We have great fun, go on woodland adventures, bake cakes all that jazz. He really is a cracking kid and she is doing an amazing job bringing him up.

So to ease my nerves can anyone give me an idea of what I should expect questions wise please. I mean I don't really know what to expect because from my point of view as long as my child was happy and healthy when at Daddy's I wouldn't be worried.

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 29/06/2020 15:04

Why an earth has your dh not told her?!
It's 3+ years too late for his ex to find out from her son.
Don't know what questions you'll face but he should be asked why he wanted to hide your existence.

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 15:08

Sorry, are you saying you’ve been with this man for 3 years, even married him and didn’t think to to tell his son who he sees every other weekend? Confused so his child wasn’t at his father’s wedding? And the child never wondered who you were when he visited every other weekend?

toomanyplants · 29/06/2020 15:10

This so doesn't add up.
How could the child not be aware of this already?

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 15:10

Why on earth did you tell the child you were daddy’s friend? What are you hiding?

Woodmarsh · 29/06/2020 15:14

If the child is 7 he surely knows that daddy has a girlfriend?

Is the relationship between your DH and his ex not good that he didn't tell her?

You don't have to meet her, entirely up to you

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/06/2020 15:15

So many bizarre things about this. Do you really want to be married to someone who isn’t proud for the world to know he’s with you? Was anyone at your wedding?

You don’t have to meet her, she can’t make you. But if you choose to, your fears aren’t irrational at all, I imagine she’s confused and possibly livid.

What on Earth possessed either of you to do things the way you have? 7 year olds aren’t babies - why have you been lying to him?

My step kids were that age when we got married, they were key parts of our very small wedding, it meant a lot to them. DH and their mother barely speak and can’t stand each other but she knew who I was as we’d lived together a while and she knew we were getting married.

I don’t have any advice because you’ve acted in a way I can’t comprehend at all so the way forward is tricky. But I’ll reiterate that you don’t have to meet her and if you do you don’t have to do it in front of this confused little boy - I can’t imagine it’ll be pretty.

theproblemwitheyes · 29/06/2020 15:21

as long as my child was happy and healthy when at Daddy's I wouldn't be worried.

What, even if your ex had hidden the fact that he got married and didn't even tell your son that his new wife existed before expecting him to stay with them both? You'd be happy about that!?

Both you and your DH need to sort yourselves out, this whole situation is utter nonsense.

Cheesestring84 · 29/06/2020 15:22

Why didn't you tell him you were together? Why wasn't he a part of your wedding? I imagine it will be questions along those lines which I am also interested to know

timetest · 29/06/2020 15:24

I would have thought telling SS and his mother that Daddy was married an essential fact. I think I might be feeling bit peeved if I were this lad’s mother.

Spied · 29/06/2020 15:26

I'd want to know why the hell you hadn't told DS you were married and what are you both playing at acting shady like this.
I'd be very uncomfortable trusting you with DS now. It's like you are secretive and sly.

I'd have had no problem with you if you had been upfront from the beginning.

Gingerkittykat · 29/06/2020 15:26

I expect that she will be upset that her son was completely omitted from his dad's wedding day and wondering what he had to hide for 3 years.

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 15:28

husband (he knows he's a twat) getting a call to ask if we were together which he answered truthfully, and then 10 minutes later getting another call asking if we are married because there is a wedding photo on the wall that dss has mentioned, of which he also did not deny.

This is bonkers! His ex phoned to ask if you were together and even then your husband didn’t say “yes, we’re actually married.” She had to phone back 10 minutes later to ask about that! What is wrong with the pair of you?

Shakirasma · 29/06/2020 15:29

I'm really struggling to get my head around this utterly bizarre scenario.

Your DHs ex didnt know about you despite her son staying with his dad regularly. Neither he or his mum knew you were married, and she didnt know you and his dad had moved house, again despite her son visiting regularly? How can that be?

EasynowPatrick · 29/06/2020 15:31

WTF! I’m amazed that anyone would behave like this! You’ve been lying to your dss and his mother for 3yrs. I can’t believe anyone would be so cowardly as to let their child pass all this significant information on.

Cherryrainbow · 29/06/2020 15:52

I'm going to be honest with you here, if I was his mum I would be furious beyond belief.
First there's the fact the fact that if the dad can be a liar about something as significant as this wtf else could he have lied about - not just to her but their kid and unintentionally made the son implicit in tbe lying. There are some parents who explicitly have stuff stated in their custody agreements about ex and new partners and if broken yes they can go to court about it. By not giving her information you have pretty much unintentionally made her put her son into situations for 3 years of unknown danger (i known that seems extreme language) but put it this way - thank God nothing has happened such as a serious accident or drama where she's had turn up to a situation before wondering who the hell you were. And again I know this is extreme but there are scenarios where a parents new partner does put a child in danger. Or what if she bumped into you guys on the street and had no idea who you were?? How would the son have explained who you were without making you sound like a kidnapper with a spiel or something?
Also is there a double standard; does the son's mum have a partner? Would your partner have laid down the law to know who she was seeing etc?
I'm just bloody flummoxed. Both me and my son's dad have moved on and live with new partners. It was bloody common and sense courtesy as you put it to say look I'm seeing someone, its getting serious, they're going to be around our son etc. And have a grown up chat about it as well as being open with our son about our family and who people are before getting anywhere near the levels you're talking about.
I'm sorry but there's no way your husband and you by extension aren't going to look like the AH s here and i cant see any way you can defend the lies etc. You have done for this amount of time.

excelledyourself · 29/06/2020 15:54

How can it be that your DSS has never mentioned you to his mum before? Numerous times? Confused

How long ago did you meet the DSS?

octobersky19 · 29/06/2020 16:01

If the father of my child had introduced my child to and married someone without my knowledge I would be disgusted.

lunar1 · 29/06/2020 16:22

If I was the mum I would think there was more being hidden. What kind of person gets married without their child?

I'd wonder what was wrong with you that you were kept a secret and I'd be doing my own checks that you were safe to be around my child. You and your husband should be nervous, you both behaved appallingly and have to face the repercussions of some very odd choices.

AllsortsofAwkward · 29/06/2020 16:28

I agree with the other posters. I'm not surprised the mother is furious you've been lying by omission, not building a solid relationship with the child and suddenly been dropped in that you're his df new wife with photos on display. He must have been so confused not to mention not attending his fathers wedding.

tinydancer88 · 29/06/2020 16:37

I'm not surprised you're nervous, you've both made this 1,000x worse for yourselves by waiting for 3 years and a wedding to happen before doing the decent thing.

excelledyourself · 29/06/2020 16:46

Does your DSS know he has stepsister? Does her dad know you've remarried?

Woodmarsh · 29/06/2020 17:38

@excelledyourself what sister?

excelledyourself · 29/06/2020 18:00

OP posted another thread today about her child wanting to live with her now, instead of her dad.

thatcarolebaskinbitch · 29/06/2020 18:18

I'd be bloody furious if I were hope OP, not sure how you can really prepare for this as you are completely in the wrong.

thatcarolebaskinbitch · 29/06/2020 18:19

Pressed send to soon.. you're completely in the wrong and nothing you say would make me feel better in this situation.

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