How to have a better relationship with DSD?

[Winny2973]

I have an 8 year old DSD. She is very quiet and reserved and I guess so am I, so it's been challenging forming a solid relationship. Her Mum and Dad (my DH) separated when she was just over 1 year old and divorced finalised when she was 2. I met DH shortly after he filed for divorce but we didn't become more than friends until a couple of years later when DSD was 3.5. I'd met her on a number of occasions as "Daddy's friend" (genuinely were just friends at the time) but obviously didn't really get to know her until we become a couple.

Things happened really fast between us once we did decide to become a couple. Circumstances meant we moved in together after 6 months which in hindsight is really bad, especially when there are kids involved, but neither of us can change that now. I found it really hard adjusting to living with someone who had a 4 year old. She wasn't staying overnight at the time but I found it weird adjusting to being around her. I had very little experience of kids and didn't really know what to do / say etc. I'm REALLY introverted and struggle forming relationships with anyone so fully recognise it was me that was the issue. DSD also had speech and language delay so I think I found that harder.

Fast forward to now. We've been together almost 4 years, married just under a year and DSD has been staying over EOWE for the last 2/3 years. I still really struggle around her. I haven't been very present lately as I'm retraining and in full blown revision mode so have found myself stepping back from family life a lot. But, I'm going to be in this position for the next 2 years, retraining on a pretty intense healthcare course. I don't want to be so withdrawn from my family.

The last few weeks I've barely seen DSD, I spent a couple of hours the one day playing a board game with her and DH but the rest of the time, apart from mealtimes we barely even talk. Most of the time I just spend in the office working or crashed out in our bedroom reading a book. I feel so anxious around her and find I have no idea what to talk to her about or how to really interact with her. I feel awful and she's bound to be picking up on it. What do I do?

Hi Winny
Things my DSD and I do together Or with her dad too (nothing rocket science here!) ...

• Watch a movie
• go for a walk in nature. She’ll poke around in the grass looking for bugs or collect stones etc etc
• take her to the park to play on the swings etc
• art stuff. Pinterest is super for showing you both how to draw animals. Getting the paints out is a huge bonus
• read a story
• do a puzzle
• bake stuff / make a dessert
• do activity magazine stuff
• make jewellery from jewellery kits

and so on. She might be delighted if you do something simple like buy her an activity magazine with stickers etc and get her started with it. Making sure her favourite foods are in the house is also pleasing.

I'm a very introverted, childless stepmum, zero previous experience of being around children. I spent many a year sitting there with my DSC bored out of my brain watching their TV/ YouTube programs, playing games, cooking and baking with them, asking them questions about school, friendships etc. One day you might form a bond and genuinely care about what your DSD is up to, but in the meantime as the adult in the situation you really need to put in the work and fake it till you make it. There's not a lot else you can do other than decide that step parenting isn't for you and separate from your DH.

Sorry that doesn't sound very helpful but there's not really a solution other than accept that you'll have to force yourself to spend your time doing things you'd rather not be doing for a good few years yet.

Find out what she likes and take an interest in it.

You know, 8’s a good age to start bonding because you probably remember 8. What did you like? Which films? Which books? Can you do that together? Watch Disney films together? Play Connect 4 / Kerplunk / Guess Who?

The fact is if you want to build a relationship you have to build it

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. At the moment she doesn't seem interested in a whole lot - with anyone really. I don't know if lockdown is just getting to her too much maybe. She spends a lot of time in her room playing with Lego.

We did bake a cake recently and that was enjoyable - not sure my belly can take much more baking during lockdown! Even when doing an activity, she's incredibly quiet and I find it so hard to hold a conversation with her. Like, what am I meant to talk about when I get very little back. She tends to perk up and talk LOADS at bedtime (don't they all) but the rest of the day she's super quiet.

At 8 I think I liked being outside - walking, playing tennis, badminton etc. with my Dad. I've never really liked being indoors a whole lot so find the whole being stuck at home thing really tough going.

Then teach her tennis and/or badminton.
Mermaids are in this year, so is skipping.

Would you be able to play Lego with her? I think the first step may be just getting comfortable around each other in silence, then move on to talking.

Does she like colouring? Could you get a book and some fancy gel pens and do that together? Sell it as that you really like doing it and ask if she wants to help?

@Marcipex

Then teach her tennis and/or badminton. Mermaids are in this year, so is skipping.

Sorry, might be an obvious question but what do you do with Mermaids?

I guess if a child is quiet, does there have to be lots of conversation or can they get just as much out of it if there isn't? I was a very quiet child and honestly can't remember how much conversation there was when doing activities like walking & tennis.

@Chungus

Would you be able to play Lego with her? I think the first step may be just getting comfortable around each other in silence, then move on to talking.

Does she like colouring? Could you get a book and some fancy gel pens and do that together? Sell it as that you really like doing it and ask if she wants to help?

sorry, cross-post I think. I never know what to build with Lego. I think this is part of the issue, I haven't got a single creative, imaginative bone in my body :( I have actually got a few adult colouring books somewhere so colouring is a good shout, either I do mine and she does her or we do one together.

I think this is a good time to have realised you need to work on this as once you have your own she'll be hurt watching you suddenly become (potentially) a cooing expressive mum.

How about activities, reading to her, doing homework with her, making jewellery together, painting etc. You need to take the lead and say I've bought this for us to try etc.

I think what you need to keep in mind is that you get out what you put in with kids - I’ve got a prwttt food relationship with my DSD; our stories aren’t that dissimilar although I became involved in her life when she was 6 and she’s 11 now.
Just doing activities with her will help form a relationship but if general chatter is hard for you both then I would do things where you can talk about what you’re doing - games, baking (you don’t have to eat it), craft activities (I’m not creative but even I’ve found some I can manage). You don’t have to always talk either; just quietly doing something together with background noise from the tv or radio is fine or watching a film together and when I say that I mean properly watching it and not sitting on a phone or something as that matters to kids.
I’d really urge you to put the work into the relationship now as I’ve found that as my DD has entered the pre teen stage it’s got harder and it’s only the existing relationship that has kept us connected

@Flittingabout

I think this is a good time to have realised you need to work on this as once you have your own she'll be hurt watching you suddenly become (potentially) a cooing expressive mum.

How about activities, reading to her, doing homework with her, making jewellery together, painting etc. You need to take the lead and say I've bought this for us to try etc.

Honestly, I'm absolutely terrified of having my own because I think if I struggle this much with DSD (and don't / can't do anything to change it), I can't see how it would be any different with my own... I've always wanted my own but honestly having a DSD makes me rethink my actual ability to parent! It's like, I want to want to do things with her and I want to be able to do things but just don't know how or feel like I can if that makes sense?

She does like painting with DH so defo worth a try. Think hers will definitely be more of a work of art than mine

Do them together otherwise it will be easy for you to sit quietly and not really engage her. You need to be asking questions and genuinely trying to get to know her..." oooh you've picked red, what do you like about that one, where did you first do that'? etc. Otherwise nothing will change as you'll sit silently and not actually bond with her.

This is good practice for parenting her even if you don't have any. I think you might find coming out of your shell now will be a positive thing for the family maybe?

Google Incredible Years play tips for people who cannot naturally engage with their kids.

My DSC often just appreciated me being in the same room tbh, just knowing they had an audience on hand if they wanted one. If your DSD wants to be by herself she'll probably just retreat to her bedroom.

What's your DH's opinion on this? Does he think you need to make more of an effort with DSD or are you putting pressure on yourself? How much effort/ engagement does he himself put in with his daughter?

What about taking her shopping for some nice food and then cooking together ?

Bless you.

I Suggest you find out things she’s into, maybe ask her. “Do you like lols” “what’s your favourite thing to watch on tv” “have you been enjoying being off school” “what work have you been doing” “have you been able to play out” (lol’s are dolls that you can collect)

I’ve wanted to be a parent since I was 3 and have always been good with children. I’m really maternal so talking to them has always come easy to me.

I also have a DD and a DSD. We tend to talk about clothes, bands, makeup, things she’s been doing.

Don’t feel like you won’t be able to cope with your own, it won’t be like that. It’ll come to you. ❤️❤️

Don't dismiss just being with her quietly. If she is chatty at bed time it tells me she is happy to be with you in silence too.

Thats invaluable x

My DGD and her friends draw mermaids , sew/craft mermaids, dress up and lie in the paddling pool, write and act mermaid adventures, and plan their futures as Mermaid Vets to Unicorn Seahorses. 😄

A very popular game is Top Trumps. An easy card game with a zillion themes eg Frozen, Dinosaurs, Princesses, Jungle Animals.
You read out your answers , so the conversation is arranged for you.

She doesn't seem unhappy with the situation as you've described it. My DD was 7 when I got with my DP, he was just fantastic, with hindsight. He never really made much of an effort, he was funny, generous and reliable, she already had a dad who she is close to, so he could see playing dad wasn't necessary. Anyway she is 16 now and they are close, they gang up on me lol! They don't do anything together other than when we all watch something together, but she buys him step dad cards, etc.

My point is just relax and she will grow to love you over time.

You sound like a great step mum tbh

@Bodgedboxdye

Bless you.

I Suggest you find out things she’s into, maybe ask her. “Do you like lols” “what’s your favourite thing to watch on tv” “have you been enjoying being off school” “what work have you been doing” “have you been able to play out” (lol’s are dolls that you can collect)

I’ve wanted to be a parent since I was 3 and have always been good with children. I’m really maternal so talking to them has always come easy to me.

I also have a DD and a DSD. We tend to talk about clothes, bands, makeup, things she’s been doing.

Don’t feel like you won’t be able to cope with your own, it won’t be like that. It’ll come to you. ❤️❤️

Any advice for when the answer is "dunno"? That's the usual response we get if either DH or I ask that sort of question. Then I feel totally stuck and no idea where to go with it.

DH struggles too. He is a naturally quiet, introverted person. He is frustrated too as trying just feels like hitting a brick wall at times and it feels like we should both be able to communicate with her better

It's obvious this means a lot to you, OP. That in itself tells me you can't go far wrong. Just don't put so much pressure on yourself. Take it slowly. Maybe just a couple of half hour slots per day trying some of the suggestions here?

Good luck

I would cook meals with her, it could be your thing to do together she's old enough to learn how to chop veg and cook everything and anything.

You could even look up new recipes to try together. Bonding and life skills in one.

Not so much now, but when things are more ‘normal’ do activities that get you out of the house like swimming, cycling, mini golf, farms, camping, library, cinema etc. Not so much talking needed during the activity and then more to talk about in the evening. I agree with PP that the fact that she is comfortable with silence is a good thing on the whole. We don’t entertain our own with activities 24/7 anyway. Playing on your own is another skill.