How to have a better relationship with DSD?

[Winny2973]

I have an 8 year old DSD. She is very quiet and reserved and I guess so am I, so it's been challenging forming a solid relationship. Her Mum and Dad (my DH) separated when she was just over 1 year old and divorced finalised when she was 2. I met DH shortly after he filed for divorce but we didn't become more than friends until a couple of years later when DSD was 3.5. I'd met her on a number of occasions as "Daddy's friend" (genuinely were just friends at the time) but obviously didn't really get to know her until we become a couple.

Things happened really fast between us once we did decide to become a couple. Circumstances meant we moved in together after 6 months which in hindsight is really bad, especially when there are kids involved, but neither of us can change that now. I found it really hard adjusting to living with someone who had a 4 year old. She wasn't staying overnight at the time but I found it weird adjusting to being around her. I had very little experience of kids and didn't really know what to do / say etc. I'm REALLY introverted and struggle forming relationships with anyone so fully recognise it was me that was the issue. DSD also had speech and language delay so I think I found that harder.

Fast forward to now. We've been together almost 4 years, married just under a year and DSD has been staying over EOWE for the last 2/3 years. I still really struggle around her. I haven't been very present lately as I'm retraining and in full blown revision mode so have found myself stepping back from family life a lot. But, I'm going to be in this position for the next 2 years, retraining on a pretty intense healthcare course. I don't want to be so withdrawn from my family.

The last few weeks I've barely seen DSD, I spent a couple of hours the one day playing a board game with her and DH but the rest of the time, apart from mealtimes we barely even talk. Most of the time I just spend in the office working or crashed out in our bedroom reading a book. I feel so anxious around her and find I have no idea what to talk to her about or how to really interact with her. I feel awful and she's bound to be picking up on it. What do I do?

Fake it till you make it

@Winny2973 oooh, the dreaded “dunno”

I’d say when that crops up, just take the lead. She’d probably be fine with whatever you choose.
Take it slow. A movie and snacks will be an enjoyable experience. Then when it’s finished you can discuss it.

If you plan to run an errand, you could take her with you, maybe buy her a magazine or something. It’s getting you two to have the one on one.

❤️❤️❤️

I know it's not really your question but I wouldn't worry about having your own child. I have one step child and now one of my own and I STILL find it incredibly awkward talking to most children that aren't my own. I think it's partly down to feeling pressure to behave in certain ways around them and not overstep as they're not yours. But also, you built a natural rapport with your own child that just isn't there with somebody else's, you know what makes them tick and you develop a whole load of shared jokes etc. Kids can be so specific, a joke that would have one of them in stitches would make another look at you like you just defecated in the corner, or get no response at all. You're just so much more likely to be able to get on your own child's level, through practice and having been there to see their whole personality develop.

I have an 8 year old DD, I taught her from an early age to play on her own. I never really enjoyed 'playing' with my daughter. However, I do enjoy when we go out together to the shops, parks etc or we watch a film together at home or chat.

If SD likes to play alone maybe just try more outdoor activities together?

You could buy some Lego kits? Dobble / UNO are good

My DSD can be quite quiet these days and sometimes hard to engage with (usually glued to her phone)
But we have a secret bond, as I used to always pick her up on a Friday and we would go for a sneaky McDonald's and eat it in the car and hide the remains from her dad and it became out wee secret ritual every Friday.
While in car we used to do quizzes on our phone or riddles or anything.
It kinda became our wee time that No1 knew about.
Maybe try implementing something like this might help?

Op - firstly I'd say stop beating yourself up about this. I'm a mum of three who are now aged 14, 18 & 23 & I certainly did not love doing everything with them so I chose my battles so to speak. Eg - I like movies so found Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Avengers, etc. really easy to do with my boys. With my daughter I defo found the Barbie movie phase much harder lol. I loved doing Lego with them but taught them all to play (with Barbies or robots etc.) alone as that did my head in. I found baking a struggle as I'm a super speedy person in the kitchen, but would happily paint & draw with them for hours or do jigsaws. I also found doing outdoors stuff very easy & walks where kids are exploring and the adult is daydreaming can be great.
Anyhow - my point is that most bio parents also find aspects of doing stuff with their kids very hard so please don't feel like you're failing.
I'd suggest choosing one or two things that become Your Thing. Disney + & popcorn? Lego? Nature walks? Don't worry about forcing conversation - that will come - & don't worry about having to be present all the time because you don't. My kids sm is the baker so I left that one to her in the past - they can all now bake by themselves.
Also remember that by studying & perusing a career you are providing her with a great role model & example of a woman striving for things in life & that is also invaluable.