Are 50:50 arrangements always best?

[TwoDots]

Really keen to hear opinions on this. You always read how shared care or 50:50 is best for a child, and they come out of it with less psychological damage. But is that really the case? I can imagine in a near perfect world where the parents get on and respect one another, it could work. But what if the parents tolerate each other but rarely agree on things? What if there is no respect for one another? What if their opinions and parenting styles are completely different? What if the routine they have is so restrictive, badly planned and makes life hard? What if the child says it’s hard having 2 homes?

I’m from separated parents and I thank my lucky stars that I wasn’t carted between 2 homes

What are your thoughts?

I doubt it's the act of 50/50 that's best; rather the relative lack of conflict that will usually accompany a 50/50 arrangement.

For every study claiming 50/50 is best another study will claim EOW is better, however I guess it depends on the individual families and children. I briefly lodged in a house where the DC had a week on and week off arrangement which they preferred as it meant fewer transitions for them.

It works for is but depends on so many variables.

I think being good co-parents is the most important thing with little conflict between parent makes it the least stressful for the kids (based on no science whatsoever just my observation which are limited)

I definitely don't think it always is the best for the children! In fact, I'd go so far to say it rarely is especially for younger ones. Maybe when they get to pre-teens and teenagers and the parents live close together then it would be fine.

I'm only going on my own and my friends and families experiences here, I'm not a child psychologist. My friends have a 12 & 7 year old and do 50/50 like 4/3 and then 3/4 days at a time. They get on really well, live a street away, share the same values and parenting approach and both want it to work and both parents have always been just as involved in the whole parenting deal as each other. It works really well for them all round.

My kids are now 13&12, we split when they were very young (3&1) and we have always done every other weekend - if that to be honest and they've never really wanted to go to his house. They hate having to go for longer than a couple of days at a time. This is because he was never particularly involved in the hard work of day to day parenting, it has always been about "his" contact with the kids and not about "their" time with dad if you see what I mean.

My youngest 2 would be exactly the same if me and H split up. They would be ok for a day or so at an absolute push but would really suffer being away from me, their siblings, their home and more which I won't detail here.

I know it would never have worked for my three & I have a pretty decent working relationship with my exh.
Mine were 13, 7 & 4 when we split & they all struggled with one midweek dinner (changed to an overnight as they got older), every Friday night & eo full w. They just didn't like having to move between houses & my middle guy who is now 18 only now says he doesn't mind it as the pressure to go is off - he hated feeling like he had to go.
All mine have a good relationship with their dad & sm but they are just kids who wanted a sense of one home.
All situations are different but I personally don't know of anyone who had a good experience with 50/50.

Personally I don’t think it is. I think children feel more secure with a “main” home.
If 50/50 is done then I think the children need to have a proper bedroom in both homes with their things (including more minor things like toiletries) in both homes so that they can be comfortable and not have to think about it or be packing all the time. I also think at a minimum it should be week on week off so they’re not constantly coming and going.

Personally I think it is the best arrangement to avoid any bitterness or resentment from any party that would have an adverse effect on the success of the relationship, but not necessarily the best thing in terms of the child feeling settled. It's not a clear cut issue and there are positives and negatives either way, which is why it's down to judgment.

We tried a couple of 50/50 arrangements. All very civil, lived close, no dramas, rooms & things in both houses. All costs fairly 50/50. The dream arrangement on paper.

Eldest, who was 12 when we split, lasted 2 years then refused. Younger two followed the year after. They now see their dad EOW, 2 nights. He took the opportunity of having less responsibility during the week to change job and moved house very quickly so no opportunity for extra or ad hoc visits, no popping in on the way home etc.

It's a shame as he was a good hands-on dad but between the children's dislike of moving house / not having 'a' home coupled by his immediate knee-jerk to make himself unavailable in the week and (in the children's opinion) inability to prioritise them over his partner means their relationship has suffered.

Perhaps if we had gone straight to a EOW type of arrangement it wouldn't have been so hard for all to adjust. We thought 50/50 would be best for everyone. It wasn't. Except me, I loved it.

I think it depends on so many factors. Working hours and career type of each parent. Finances of each parent. Genuine 50/50 means no maintenance and a 50/50 split of costs. Very difficult as not each parent will have the same life as the other.

I think our situation would struggle as both household have vastly different rules in Place so I think this would cause more upset, I do think kids especially school age ones need one base for things to run smoothly if both parents wouldn't agree on basic never mind really important decisions such as school work/ bedtime / food etc

I think that what works best is the parents commiting to living close enough to each other so that going between houses isn't a massive event and ensuring that the children have all they need at each house.

I also feel that the parents attitude to each other is key. Being flexible and able to rise above their feelings towards each other for the good of the children makes a massive difference no matter if the arrangement is 50/50 or EOW.

Shared Care 50/50 is a lot. This isn’t what it’s about though the amount of time the child spends at each parents house. It’s about the actual parenting of the child. If all is civil and it has been this way whilst the child is little it will automatically be the norm to the child.

What will damage the child is dependent on the rapport of the parents that they have with each other. Disputes and a toxic relationship.

Would the parents want to move between two houses every week?

Some do Stripey, it's called nesting.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

Some do Stripey, it's called nesting.

I've never heard of it, but I think it must be the best solution for the children (id the parents get on).

Stripey my DH and his ex did nesting for around 18 months when they first split up to allow their DC to adjust to the separation. However it gradually became unsustainable even though they started off amicably. As time goes on after a separation you naturally start to emotionally detach from each other, by the end of the first year both DH and his ex found they needed their own space because one would move into the family home after the other had done their "turn" and be annoyed at how things had been left, what chores had or hadn't been done, they'd be surrounded by their ex's belongings etc in both the family home and the flat they stayed in when not with the DC and basically both their mental health suffered a lot.

DC, whilst they might struggle with moving between homes, don't also have to juggle that on top of working, paying the bills, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc as well as being responsible for people in their care. Unfortunately there's no scenario which will be good for everyone.

I personally think its the best solution, but it will of course depend on many factors such as distance between the parents etc. My parents separated when I was very young and they never had a fixed schedule or went to court. They lived fairly close and allowed us, my siblings and I, to chose where we wanted to stay. Both parents would take us to the other one if we requested (and it was reasonable). It was very casual. I didnt feel like I was dragged between homes because I got to choose. And I had clothes and "stuff" at both their houses and would take whatever I wanted to the others house. Neither of my parents said I could only keep my things at their home. Once we were a bit older we went on our own on our bikes as long as we notified them and checked it was ok first. It was great and I much more preferred the 2 happy separated, than together and arguing. However, I will say that I think it only works if both parents encourage and support the relationship with the other parent. I only say this because my current partner has had an uphill battle with his ex. At first they got along ok and their son, my SS, would live mostly with his mother but see his dad and eventually me once a week (+/-) as we lived in another town . But when his ex got a new partner everything went to hell. False allegations against my partner and massive pressure on SS to "chose" mother which ended up with SS almost going 1.5 years without seeing DP. So now unfortunately a court order dictates the when and where. Dont get me wrong its great as it guarantees that SS will grow up with both parents instead of one, but its hard for him to "be forced" to go at times. He has told us he wishes he could chose the times more himself. for example sometimes he wants to stay longer with us and other times longer with his mother but unfortunately thats not feasible . 1 because of the distance and 2 unfortunately we tried that but DP's ex would then just say he never wanted to come so he disappeared for months without as much as a phone call until my partner had to return to court. So for now its strictly whatever is court ordered and no changes. Sad for SS but hopefully as he gets older that can change. Anyway, my point is that, its a situation with many variables to consider, but if you can make it work that its fairly equal the time with both parents (dont think it will ever be exact 50/50) then I believe its great for the children. And yes it may be natural that there will be phases in the childs life where it prefers to stay more with mum, and then a few years later more with dad, or the other way around. I think one mistake is taking it personal, as if their child loves them less somehow. Of course there are cases where that may be true if one parent doesnt engage and take care of them properly and the other parent does everything, but overall I think all children love both their parents and just want everyone to get along and be allowed to enjoy with everyone. But yes, as mycathateseverybody pointed out, there is no perfect scenario which will be good for everyone. I guess its more about minimising damage . Not sure if this is helpful at all sorry if I rambled

@zuzu5 your childhood sounds like dp and his ex's agreement. The kids come and go pretty much as they please (of course excepting times where they have no choice as their mum or we are busy or away). Sometimes more here sometimes more there. Sometimes just coming here for a couple of hours after school, sometimes staying longer. They have clothes and stuff here so they don't need to worry about that and it's lovely and relaxed.

For younger children its claimed that it's not good for them to have 50/50 that they need the security of a "home"

But in the end no one child is the same as the other and what suits one might not suit the other

No evidence at all that 50/50 is best for the child. None! No evidence at all that it is best for relationships between the child and both parents.

I don’t know why it’s become this myth that it is for the best?

I grew up with this - it's horrible! I can see that it looks fairest for the parents but it's really unsettling for the children. You don't really feel like you have a home, I ended up getting married and settling down as soon as I possibly could as an adult because of this and it has had other long term psychological effects on me and my brother. Both parents were committed and caring, both stepparents were wonderful but it was still awful.

As an adult, I wouldn't want to be livings equally between two houses and two sets of rules so why would a child want it? I think it's very unfair as the child doesn't choose the situation but has to bear the brunt of it/

Completely agree @thetrolleywitch sorry you had to go through it. Saw my SDDs have to go between homes. As soon as they were older teenagers, they all stopped. You won’t find many of their age still doing it voting with their feet.

Thanks for all your replies

@thetrolleywitch your experience is exactly how I see it. I’d hate to have to live my life between 2 homes, 2 rules etc

At the moment we have SD 50:50. It’s a temporary thing whilst she isn’t going to school and for the holidays. During normal non covid term time, we have her 45:55. I just don’t think it works. I won’t say much to my partner as it’s not my place, hence speaking to you, but it causes so much upset for everyone (bar his ex).

I’ve posted on here before about the ex moving in with her new boyfriend out of town and not telling my partner. Things haven’t improved much....and I just can’t see how this will ever work when she has zero respect for him, refuses to listen to anything he says, and is so selfish and rigid. They argue, we are still stuck in a routine which is not working for us but she does not care. It causes stress, unhappy households and a SD who is constantly angry.

My other concern is how it then affects our DS. He’s unhappy too.

I’ve been up half the night and now rambling. I just don’t think it works and I don’t know what to do, as if we reduced tile, SD May see it as her being rejected

@Socialdistancegintonic

Completely agree *@thetrolleywitch* sorry you had to go through it. Saw my SDDs have to go between homes. As soon as they were older teenagers, they all stopped. You won’t find many of their age still doing it voting with their feet.

Yes, I forgot that aspect! Once you get to be an older teenager and are in a position to vote with your feet then you effectively end up choosing a parent which isn't a very nice position to be in. I ended up really upsetting my mum by choosing to spend the majority of time at my dad's but it wasn't because I preferred him- just that he lived closer to town and as a teenager that was important me!

I think it's the most awful thing to do to a child. I would have hated shuttling between homes leaving all my stuff behind, my son loathed it as his dad was incredibly petty and wouldn't let him bring anything there back to our home.
In the end I went to court and got 100% custody (1980's) because it was making my son really unhappy and disturbed mentally.
It's so easy for couples to hate each other to use the child as ammunition and it's just so unhealthy.
Its just so rare to find couples who are super mature and put the child first to make this work.

It should be based on the child's preferences.

My DS doesn't like travelling, he hates being 40 miles away from his friends and no matter what he takes with him from one house to the other, he doesn't have what he needs.

But other children may love the fact that they are part of two households and can come and go, especially if those two houses are close by.