Are 50:50 arrangements always best?

[TwoDots]

Really keen to hear opinions on this. You always read how shared care or 50:50 is best for a child, and they come out of it with less psychological damage. But is that really the case? I can imagine in a near perfect world where the parents get on and respect one another, it could work. But what if the parents tolerate each other but rarely agree on things? What if there is no respect for one another? What if their opinions and parenting styles are completely different? What if the routine they have is so restrictive, badly planned and makes life hard? What if the child says it’s hard having 2 homes?

I’m from separated parents and I thank my lucky stars that I wasn’t carted between 2 homes

What are your thoughts?

The trouble is for child’s preferences, is that this is an awful responsibility to put on them at an early age. And often I find it is adult needs, not the child’s, that get satisfied with 50/50. It is so convenient not to give maintenance too this way, it has to be seen a factor and that may also mean greater child poverty.

One thing I also saw with my SDDs, they went between households very freely. It was a nightmare. It meant neither parent, was really being a parent. Neither had a handle on school, or friendships, or their wellbeing. It got whittled down to which house they had dinner in, and they were almost left to their own devices. A few times neither parent knew where their kids were.

I'm 50/50 with ex and my partner is 50/50 with his ex too. It works for us and all our children don't want anything different as they don't want to choose a parent to see more.

There is no good solution here as everyone wants to be together all the time (apart from the divorced parents!)

I think 50/50 works because it means the children know both parents love them and want them. I agree with a pp though, they need a bedroom and stuff at both houses.

Not always, no.
It depends on so many things that it’s not a straightforward black and white answer.

My children don’t stay with their dad at all, so we’ve got a long way to go before 50/50 is even thought of. If things were very very different I would encourage a 50/50 arrangement if that’s what my children would want.

So yeah, not always the best arrangement for so many reasons. But should be at least thought about and considered if both parents are good parents.

It should be based on the child's preferences
Exactly that! Some kids will really benefit from it and others won't. Of course, some parental circumstances have to be taken into consideration, but sadly, I think in most cases both parents try to justify that what is best for them is actually what they really want.

I’m fairly close to a near 50/50 set up with the exH. We’re flexible, the children are thriving.

Tbh, some of the posters who come on here saying it ‘doesn’t work’ and children ‘need one base?’. A part of me always thinks ‘maybe because it not working suits your agenda.’

My DC have some friends with a city pad and a country pad. They move between those homes with ease. Not a complaint in the world and I doubt many people would say ‘it’s not in the child’s best interests.’ Why? They’re still moving houses quite regularly? Why is this any different?

Obviously a lot depends on the parents. I have absolutely zero doubt that if I didn’t work with my exh to ensure this worked for the children, they wouldn’t be happy either. These set ups can work. They require communication, compromise and work

sassbott I expect that's because the majority of parents who are adamant that 50/50 doesn't work, even when the other parent is very hands on and involved pre and post separation, are safe in the knowledge that they would be the ones providing the "base." Or they were with someone who didn't pull their weight anyway in which case 50/50 would indeed be unlikely to be for the best.

@sassbott I don’t think 50/50 works in the majority of cases (although it sounds like it works well with you). Why? Not because I just happen to think it. Because there is good evidence that it is not a better option, and some evidence that it is detrimental if there is not a good coparenting relationship.

I also have personal experience. I have step children who had 50/50 and they hated it, although their parents will swear to this day that it was great and fine and the children thrived. The kids told me regularly they did not like it, they felt that they didn’t belong anywhere, and they stopped it as soon as they were older teenagers - although they were not articulate and assertive enough to say why - they just voted with their feet.

I know 3 of my older child’s friends who also hate 50/50. They have all found some reason or another to stop going between houses.

I do see some exceptions - sassbott it sounds like it works fine which is great. However if anything it is the evidence that we should look at, and there is none that says it is best. However if parents are cooperative, and children seemingly willing, and all sides are committed and want this, then it seems reasonable to at least consider it.

My DSD is young and likes it. Maybe she’ll change when she heads towards being a teenager.
But now she’s cool. It’s a super high conflict situation so there’s no flexibility in coming and going and almost nothing moves between houses. And there’s no agreement over anything.
Yet she appears much more settled in every way than when it was a more traditional split.
Her teacher and the school psych both note how she’s doing well.
So my point is there’s no one size fits all. I’m my DSD’s case the parental conflict would normally prohibit the courts from agreeing to 50/50 but due to background issues they agreed to it and we see how well it’s going. For now.
I think what I learn from this thread is that what works at this stage might not work when she’s older. Things evolve.

I expect that's because the majority of parents who are adamant that 50/50 doesn't work, even when the other parent is very hands on and involved pre and post separation, are safe in the knowledge that they would be the ones providing the "base."
Yes this
My eldest is 16 and also the most vocal about liking 50/50

I have had a 50/50 arrangement with my sons dad for over 4 years now. For us it works, and we are pretty amicable. We were able to discuss things like how to approach potty training, what discipline such as time out etc so we can try and be consistent. We attend school events together and we tend to do birthday parties and a xmas thing together. We discuss xmas arrangements in advance (we alternate them, and depending on which day it falls on we may change some of the days from the usual week) we are also quite happy to do things like if one of us plans a week holiday with him then the other has a week with him another time. As our son gets older it will obviously be important to listen to what he wants to see if we need to make changes. he's got years yet before he is at the age where he wants to go see his mates every weekend and go to town on his own, stuff like that so we will have to bear that in mind.

My parents separated when I was small, and thank HEAVENS this was back in the days before EOW etc etc had been dreamed up. My brother and I lived full time with mum, but I remember seeing quite a lot of dad for days out, trips etc. I would have been horrified at having to live between two homes. I now have a DSS and I don’t think EOW works particularly well for him, he finds it disruptive, and society now seems to dictate than any child with separated parents has to live a disjointed life.

The research all shows the opposite

50/50 is NOT best for children.

But some parents claim it is as its what they want, not what is best for their child

However if anything it is the evidence that we should look at, and there is none that says it is best.

The research all shows the opposite

Can anyone post some links? I asked this on a similar thread and got no reply - in fact the only link I did get was to a study saying the opposite!

FWIW my kids do 60:40. Although I wanted to be as involved as possible with them, I was nervous about projecting my own preferences on them. As it is, they prefer it and actually persuaded us to keep it going. That said, I don't think the ration in and of itself automatically works - in our situtation there's the additional qualifiers:

• we live close, in neighbouring villages

• we've maintained a civil relationship (no bad-mouthing the other parent, encouraging them to appreciate them)

• ex lives in the house they grew up in, so that automatically makes it "the base" (in my son's opinion) irregardless of how much time spent there and I show I accept this.

• both houses have full bedrooms, with own teddies, clothes, toys, cutlery, etc, etc that we both bought independently but with understanding they can take things between houses if they want (within reason obvs - they couldn't take the wardrobe!)

• they vi-call the issing parent every night to say goodnight

*video call

*video call the missing parent!

We've had it 50-50 for a number of years, with us each having two consecutive week days (Mon-Tues and Weds-Thurs) and alternating the weekend (Fri-Sat-Sun) using school to handover (normal pattern for half terms, and half the holidays each for Easter, Christmas and Summer, split however works best for us all, a full Christmas Day alternated, no half day etc with each of us). It's been about 3 years like that. In each home, DD (8) has her own toys, books, games etc and her own bedroom, we each have pets and live with a partner. If it's 'your' weekend, you're responsible for homework etc.

It seems to work well, DD has activities she does with her Dad after school and activities she does with me, she's generally happy to go to her Dad's and equally happy to come back to me, refers to both houses at 'home' and seems very happy with the arrangement. She does no packing or shuffling back and forward, she knows what days I will pick her up from school and what days Dad will as the days are static, and everything she needs is in each home ready for her, the only 'shared' items are school uniform naturally ends up in both houses and it just ends up communal, we both buy what we need and alternate buying school shoes when required.

She doesn't like the idea of spending less time with me or less time with her Dad, in order to be with the other more. I wonder sometimes if it is what's best for her given some of the concerns raised in this thread but I'm not sure what alternative to put forward. I guess we will just continue has we are until she's an age where she says she wants to be with her Dad more or her me more. I guess we will just let her guide us in the future and tell us what she wants.

We have 50/50 with my DF's 2 kids, and it works. We get in very well with his ex tho, so much that I'd call her a friend. She's been round for drinks and we do things regularly together with all the kids and her partner. I think this massively helps as we are all in the same page and can speak about any issues without arguments. We try to keep the rules the same at each house and are flexible if the kids are supposed to be at one house but want to be at the other for example

On the other side, my daughter doesn't really see her dad, she's here 100% of the time. She has a relationship with him, they speak on the phone and FaceTime. He'll come and take her shopping or for dinner when he's around (he travels a lot) but other than that she barely sees him. She doesn't know it to be any different tho so is happy with it like this.

I would say 50/50 being best is entirely dependant on the individual circumstances.