Supporting alienated dh

[ladytremaineswig]

Any advice on how I can support dh? We've been together about 5 years. Basically his two teenage kids took a dislike from the start and things have always been hard. Over the years they made a few accusations of things I'd supposedly done that were either hysterical exaggerations or just grossly untrue. They mostly dropped these quite quick but it was upsetting. I think really they're still very upset their parents are not together. It came to a head when they issued him with an ultimatum a few weeks ago that he either got rid of me or they moved back full time with their mother. They don't really have any concrete reasons at this point other than I don't talk to them despite me trying to engage in conversation with them but being shut down with grunts and one word answers. I've had numerous heart to hearts with them when I thought I'd made in roads but they just seem determined not to like me. Obviously he refused to 'get rid' of me. We love each other plus have a young dc together. They've since gone to live with their mother full time. DH calls and texts and has asked them to meet outside for walks etc but they only reply to ask for money. They've accused him of not being interested in them since he married me but in reality I've spent a lot of nights alone while he was dad's taxi even when they were supposed to be at their mothers, loads of extra curricular, help with homework, entertaining their friends etc. All the stuff dads are supposed to do. He is really depressed and I feel awful but helpless to really do anything to help him.

That sounds really tough for you and your DH and like you’ve both done your best to make them feel welcome and secure. Your DH is maintaining contact with them and keeping the door open but I don’t see what else he can realistically do. It sounds like they’re going out of their minds with jealousy. Were they like this from day one or did it happen gradually or get worse when your DC came along? How’s the relationship with their DM?

@MellowBird85 probably worse when dc came along. They said things like he was too old ( 40s) and it was embarrassing. Dh was always making these elaborate plans like family movie nights, bbqs, trips away etc and they'd just refuse to come out of their rooms or would agree to the trips and then refuse last minute, sometimes meaning lots of money wasted. Once we paid for a huge cottage in Cornwall and it ended up being just the three of us with dh really miserable. It's not great with their mother. I feel she's quite happy to see dh unhappy. She had quite a few affairs in their relationship which he turned a blind eye to for the sake of the kids but she eventually left dh for someone else who then wouldn't leave his wife. The kids don't know about this. I think it really hurts him that they've chosen her when it was him that really tried to keep the family together. I think he desperately hankers after a normal family life and he can't come to terms with our normal not being quite that iyswim. It's hard for me because I feel like me and dc are never going to really be enough. I understand his sadness but I find it hard to deal with at the same time

That does sound miserable, and unfortunately quite familiar. How old are your stepchildren? This sounds like older teenagers?

I'm afraid I don't have any good advice. I've spent today calming down my DH because his two sons (early 20s) created all sorts of trouble. Long story. But problems like this are very hard to fix, and difficult to live with too. I sometimes wonder whether some sort of family counseling would work, but feel quite sure that my DSSs would refuse to attend anything of that sort.

So: sending you and . I hope it gets better.

@KentishMama thank you. I just feel sad to see dh upset when I really don't think he deserves it and me being the named cause feels horrible. they're 19 and 16. I know it's a difficult age but it just all seems so damaging and awful

@KentishMama we've thought about counselling too but I don't think ours would go either

We're in a very similar situation - DH would do anything for his children, and he feels like a complete failure as a parent because his sons keep stirring things up, making up strange stories and generally being impossible, especially around me.

His 20-yo referred to me as "the c#*#" today, just in passing, as if that was an acceptable thing... I've just reached the point now where I have asked DH to discourage visits from his sons here. I don't want to invite someone into my house if I know they call me names. I really really really tried to build a good relationship with them when they were younger (we've been together for 12 years), but now they are adults and I don't want to play their games any more.

I'm actually wondering if DH would benefit to talking to someone independent, on his own. I might do some research and suggest that. Even if the kids don't take part.

@ladytremainseig & @KentishMama I have been there so you both have my utmost sympathy.
I don't have much advice as exdp & I eventually split (my call) & the main reason was his teenage kids.
What I will say is that even though we split exdp himself REALLY did benefit from going to therapy (alone) & it did give him a lot of perspective with regards to the dynamic between him, his kids & his ex.
We had no dc together so in that sense it was easier for me to walk away & I walked away mainly because my own dc were getting damaged by his toxic dc & their dm.
I think distancing yourself is the only option & this is a reasonable thing to do with older teens & young adults despite what many on here might say - being called names by sdc who are old enough to know better is just not on. But beyond that it really is up to their fathers to impose boundaries surrounding behaviour & to that end therapy really can help.
Sending you

You would think by 20 they would be better @KentishMama I've had name calling and also been spat at. Dh has tried to lay down the law about this but they have him over a barrel because they just opt for no contact. On the one hand dh is desperate for them to resume contact with us but on the other it will be all on their terms and I'll just be a sitting duck waiting for them to level the next accusation or blow at me

I really wish I had some useful advice @ladytremaineswig! Older children denying contact in that way is just vile. DH and I sometimes joke about it, in a gallows humour kind of way. Every time we have a disagreement (or aren't generous with money...), we get 6 weeks of silence. Like clockwork.

@Magda72 Thank you for the advice re counseling! Much appreciated!

I feel your pain.
From the first moment DSC told their mum about my existence ( 2 years after they’d split) she successfully turned them all against their dad. We went as far as court but she simply ignored contact orders and nothing was done. We went back to court and she didn’t show up. The judge refused to make any enforcement order as by that stage youngest DSC was approaching 15.

DH wrote to her via his solicitor as a last ditch effort. She rang him directly. Told him she had no problem with the kids seeing him but she wasn’t going to be told by the courts what to do.
By that stage the damage was done. They are all young adults now and DH still walks on eggshells around them to keep them ‘sweet’ otherwise they cut contact.
It is exhausting. But I’m not sure there is any easy solution. Our home is their home. We financially support them as much as we can. But it breaks his heart when it all goes arse up. And he spends weeks sending the off text which goes unanswered until they want something. No fathers day or birthday cards even if they’re talking to him.

@Naruralflavours100 that sounds awful. We've had similar actually when they were here. They used to ask dh for money for their mums birthday and Mother's Day. He'd give it yet they never even bought him a card. It makes me really upset. I had an awful, violent father growing up that doesn't even know when my birthday is let alone anything else and these children reject their dads when they're trying so hard for them.

When they were younger teens, I used to make excuses for their behaviours. But now, as young adults, they’re old enough to recognise the impact their behaviour has on their dad. They actually all lived with him full time after the separation due to substance abuse issues with his Ex. I think that makes it even harder to rationalise. Mind you 10 years later and I’m still ‘that slag’ to his Ex

We are also in a similar situation. My DHs children (they are adults in their 30s) are the same. His daughter has always been jealous of past relationships my DH has had, in fact I was warned about it by his friends! But I refused to believe that anyone could act that way.

Boy was I wrong! They have made comments about me, either to my face or to my DH when he is alone. They have made fun of my disability, saying to my DH ‘you know you can’t cure her, she will always be that way’. They have also said that we are not a good match and that he can do better etc. It all came to a head a few months ago when another comment about my disability was made. I wasn’t going to be put down anymore and stuck up for myself, his daughter turned his other children and also his grandchildren against him. My DH doesn’t see his grandchildren anymore because they ignore him in the street. It is awful, I feel so bad for sticking up for myself, especially when he cries after he sees them and they ignore him. I honestly don’t know what to do, do I leave so he can speak to his children and grandchildren again?

His marriage to their mum ended in divorce when she ran off with another man. So it was not him that ended the marriage. Incidentally the ex wife does not let her husband (the man she ran off with) see his children.

We are currently going through with DSS. I do think there are things DH could have done better like getting court ordered contact (rather than via mediation which then was constantly changed/cancelled) and really appreciating things from his ex's point of view, but now his son is 16 and should know enough about the world to decide things for himself. The relationship with mum is codependent at best and she inappropriately relies on him emotionally. He is used to having a part in adult decisions and was aghast when I got pregnant because 'he had said no, and I was too old' (he was early teens, I was early 30s, DH late 30s). He has his own room here which sits empty because I wont attempt to constantly entertain him with expensive outings anymore so he chooses not to come down to us. I know it makes DH said but he has to accept it as his son's choice.

I think he's right to keep in contact but really needs to have your back. They should not be allowed to visit if they abuse you in your own home.

It's good to know we are not the only ones going through this. I also feel like they're trying to goad him. They say they never want to live with us again but then say to their dad 'I'll bet you will sell the house now'. We have a six bedroom house so they can have their own spaces which costs a fortune in mortgage and running. I feel like the minute he was to sell they'd be telling everyone they've been kicked out.

Thats the important thing to consider. It's often an 'on-winnable war'. Keeping in touch and keeping the door open are the best things to do but it's hard because DH would love to be able to do something proactive. DSS (now older teen) will often suggest that if only DH would take him x expensive activity or purchase xyz then that will somehow prove his love and all will be well and I have to remind DH that isnt the case. Dd doesn't get everything she wants out of some weird proof of love. Of course the issues is then mum will say 'well just shows DSS that you love DD more' which is crap but it can be hard for DH to accept that the situation is designed to make it hard for him, it's designed to make him feel bad, guilty and ashamed but often it's not actually about him about more about DSS's expectation, the parental dynamic or the different expectations between parents. I can see how counselling could really help with that. Dh has also found support groups on Facebook's for parents or dads have helped to.

I am on the other side of this I think (although I have never called names or done any of the awful stuff that you have described). My DF has an affair when I was around 19 and then subsequently him and DM got divorced. DM is very very hateful toward DF and the OW (they have now been married for several years) and my DB will never see my dad again I don’t think. I spent several years being very angry (never cut contact though) but then realised it wasn’t worth it and I missed my dad so possibly they might also realise that. It will take time though, and they were much younger than I was when it happened so too much damage may have been done. What I would also say is that it sounds like all of your DHs have made so much effort and are brilliant fathers - I wish I could say the same for my DF as he makes very little effort and even now, I’m 29 and I feel he isn’t particularly bothered about me or his DGC. Which makes me very sad!

@blackcat86 that's a good way if putting it. It does just seem an impossible thing to solve. I've encouraged dh to confide in a male friend. Previously he's been hiding all the issues from his friends and trying to keep up a front which I think is wearing him down too. He met up with him for a drink last night and his friend was really helpful and he seems a lot more cheerful today

I hope the bank of df has closed. I would have thrown the shits out and barred them if I had been spat on...
Your dh needs to back away. Shame his ex appears bloody blameless imo. Not sure I could keep quiet about her past..

OP you know how you feel.

I have banned my partners son from entering our house, his Dad and I have been together 5 years and not once has my stepson ever acknowledged our relationship other than to cause trouble, call me the C word and be generally unpleasant he had called my children those names as well.
I drew the line about a year ago always hoping that it would get better, he only speaks to his Dad if he needs money or taxi driver. Its not going to get better until he grows up and apologises, and starts being kind.
This will only happen when he leaves the clutches of his mother and her hateful spite that she drops into his ear.
If this was not your husbands children and someone else would you even speak to them or allow them into your home?

If this was not your husbands children and someone else would you even speak to them or allow them into your home?

This. And that's basically my line now to DH. But very hard to enforce. It's DH's birthday tomorrow and one of my SS will come over for a socially distanced barbecue. I'm dreading it, but after months of separation and watching DH pine for his sons, I try to compromise. (This is not the SS who called me the C word. Just the passive aggressive older one!)

@KentishMama, it's tough at the moment as they can't meet anywhere else.
I would just go out so not to even be there. It's so sad that the children can't see the damage they are doing to their relationship with their Dad, and missing out on things.

@teenangels - I can't do a disappearing act on DH's birthday, but hopefully we can keep it short and sweet! :)