Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

New baby and step son, dont want stepson feeling put out.

29 replies

Emma5694 · 08/06/2020 22:14

My partner and I are trying for a baby, my partner already has a son from a previous marriage who comes and stays with us every now and then. We live in a 2 bedroom flat and the 2nd bedroom is set up as my stepsons room, but obviously if we had a baby it would be here permanently, we dont want to then decorate the room to be the babies and for my stepson to feel put out by it all, hes 10 but hes a big softy and we really don't want to upset him or make him feel left out. Ideally we would move to a 3 bedroom home but we cant afford that financially. Any ideas on how to go about things?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CaspianSeaDog · 08/06/2020 22:16

I'd move to a cheaper area so you could have a three bed. Otherwise it doesn't work. You can't ask the boy to sleep on the sofa and he can't share with a baby either.

Original poster

Emma5694 · 08/06/2020 22:18

@CaspianSeaDog we already live in a cheap area but we are not in a financial position to move to a bigger home

OP posts:

AdriannaP · 08/06/2020 22:19

Baby sleeps in your room for first year - means you have nearly 2 years to save for bigger place. Or you move cot to DS room when he is not here but don’t decorate the room like a nursery. That’s not fair on him. You also can’t expect a 12 year old to share rooms with a 1 year old.

HouseOfEdwards · 08/06/2020 22:21

The baby will be with you for a few months so I’d use that time to help your step son bond with the baby. And ensure he feels secure and that he has a home with you.

You aren’t even pregnant yet so while it’s lovely you are already thinking about this there is plenty of time. You might manage to move and if you don’t you will work it out.

Yester · 08/06/2020 22:22

Will you ever be able to afford a 3 bed? How often does DSS stay? My 3 shared a room until ds1 was 12.

Original poster

Emma5694 · 08/06/2020 22:23

@AdriannaP baby would be in our room to start with anyway. We wouldn't decorate the room as a nursery, if anything it would just be decorated neutral colours. Suppose that does give us time to save money.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emma5694 · 08/06/2020 22:25

@HouseOfEdwards that's what I want, for him to know hes always got a home here. Thank you for your optimistic views.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emma5694 · 08/06/2020 22:26

@Yester maybe if we really really save. Erm really just once or twice a month for a night or 2 at a time.

OP posts:

noyoucannotcomein · 08/06/2020 22:41

Save, move, then try for a baby, is surely the answer.

MrsP2015 · 08/06/2020 23:02

I would keep baby in with you for a year then move baby to second bedroom as baby lives there all the time.
SS I would give the option to share with baby or blow up bed in lounge. This way ss has a choice and it sounds like he doesn't stay often anyway.

I'd also talk to ss when you're pregnant about the longer term plans- that ss is very important etc / baby at 1 will move to second room and would ss like to share?

Only other option is to keep baby with you long term but seems a waste for the second room to stand empty most of the month.

My friends ss had own room until their new baby came. Baby had the room and ss has to share with parents...

aSofaNearYou · 08/06/2020 23:05

I do mean this kindly but I do think that if time is on your side biologically, you should aim to be able to afford a 3 bed before you try for a baby, regardless of the emotional issues involved. If you already live in a cheap area then you want to be in that kind of financial situation before having a child. I would prioritise saving and earning as much as possible before trying for a baby, and then the issue will solve itself.

Yester · 09/06/2020 08:49

I agree with MrsP. Save to get a 3 bed. But give DSS the option of shared or blow up. No need to raise it wih them until the baby is nearly one. The housing market may crash so could be cheaper?

Purplesndteal · 09/06/2020 08:55

Our baby currently sleeps with us. We really can't afford a bigger house but our plan is to.move the baby to any of the rooms when they're not being used. Yes the baby won't have a proper room for a while but I'm sure he'll aurvivi. Much better than making an older child unwanted.

Cabinfever10 · 09/06/2020 09:48

You can't expect a 12 year old pubescent child to share with a 1 year old nor can you take his room away and give it to the baby!
If you can't afford a 3rd bedroom can you truly afford another child?
The only way this could work is if YOU have a blow up bed and sleep in the sitting room or wait until you can afford a 3rd bedroom or space like a dining room that could be permanently converted to an extra bedroom

TeddyBeans · 09/06/2020 10:04

cabinfever bit harsh don't you think? A house is a huge upfront cost. Babies aren't. Can't really compare the two 🤨

OP your DSS is at an age where he should understand that a baby who lives with you full time should have their own room. I don't think it will be as much of an issue as you think it will be.

That said, there's nothing stopping you from keeping baby in your room for an extended period of time, my neighbours share a bedroom with their 8 year old purely because they don't have the money to get a place with two bedrooms.

There are plenty of solutions if you're creative about it!

namechangenumber2 · 09/06/2020 10:10

I think I'd talk to DSS about it when the time comes?

How frequently does he stay?

Cabinfever10 · 09/06/2020 10:34

@TeddyBeans
Not really if the only way they can have another child is to force the existing child out of the family by taking there room and saying that they have to sleep in the sitting room or share with a baby when they are starting puberty not only will this destroy the relationship between dss and his dad but will cause jealousy and resentment between dss and the new child.
I have seen exactly this scenario played out in real life and witnessed first hand the devastating consequences to my dn who hasn't spoken to his dad for 3 years and wants nothing to do with his half sibling.
I don't mean to be cruel and I also understand being a stepmother and how hard it can be having to put off having another child until you can truly afford to without pushing my dsc out

minielise · 09/06/2020 10:45

Can you make it his idea for them to share? Oh we want a baby so you can have a little brother/sister but we just don’t know where we would put them. They would stay with us the first few months but they wouldn’t fit in our room as they grow, and the only other room is yours

Giespeace · 09/06/2020 11:11

If you have a baby now, the second bedroom will become the bedroom of the child who actually lives there, not the child who “comes and stays every now and then” (incidentally, what even is that BS? Why doesn’t your partner have proper regular contact with his child?) so there’s no use pretending that it won’t. It would be silly and unworkable for the three people whose home it is to be crammed into one room in order to preserve a shrine for an absent family member, so that idea would fall apart pretty rapidly.
This is why I put my 2 (small) bedroom house on the market pretty sharpish when I found out I was pregnant. There wasn’t even space in the so called master for a crib so there was no way we could have kept DSDs room just for her (and we have her a hell of a lot more that “every now and then”). I acknowledge that we were lucky to be able to just get on and do this because it would have been a nightmare otherwise.
Without knowing the details, I’d say priority number one has to be sorting out contact with your DSS, number two is to save as much as possible, number three is to move to a larger house. Then think about a baby.

Fisharefriendstoo · 09/06/2020 14:17

It may sound harsh but can you not put off baby until you can move to a 3 bed. A pre teen/ teen absolutely cannot share with a baby and no matter how you dress it up he will feel pushed out.

Whether you have him there every now and then is irrelevant in my opinion as it’s his private space and no sibling love is going to make him feel better about it.

So when the baby is a toddler does DSS have nowhere to go to watch a dvd or play on the computer or read as baby sibling will be in bed and must not be woken? Never having friends around? What if you have a restless sleeper?

It won’t be home and he will lose his relationship with you all for not considering him.

CaspianSeaDog · 09/06/2020 14:59

What does your DH think? It's not a good sign if you're driving this now. He's going to be the father of both these kids. So what's his solution?

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/06/2020 16:38

I think the pp who said to save and then ttc when you have a bigger house is right.

Songbird232018 · 09/06/2020 17:38

How often does your step son stay? Of course he can share with a baby for a period as long as it's not disrupting sleep for school etc!

My SD 14 still shares a room EOW With my 2 year old son.

We have a large 3 bed, two SS share the small room and we have the other room. Converting the loft next year but that won't be a 4th bedroom because its seems silly to have 2 bedrooms wasted for the majority of the time.

stepmumwarwick91 · 09/06/2020 18:47

Don't worry I'm in a similar predicament, DP has 2 DC already and I'm pregnant, we live in a 2 bed house they share the 2nd bedroom.

Baby will sleep with us for the first year and then after that who knows, just wing it!

We can't really afford to move elsewhere (we get a pretty good rental deal where we are) but if push comes to shove then I'll have to cancel Netflix

Don't stress, I talk to my DP all the time about it and make sure we're on the same page so we can tackle any issues together.
Communication is key!

Original poster

Emma5694 · 09/06/2020 19:24

We've decided that if and when I fall pregnant and baby is on way that DSS will move into our bedroom which we will decorate in a neutral way with posters of his choice, the double bed will stay in there so when hes not there we have our bedroom and when hes here he gets our room and we will get a sofa bed for the living room and we will sleep in there and then it means permanent baby can have a room to themselves as well.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread