Childcare

[grasstree12]

Name changed for this as circumstances are outing.

My DSD (10) lives in another country and visits us during her school break. My DH is unable to take 6 weeks off from work to provide childcare (he usually will take off 1 week-10 days) so it falls down to me which in the past has been hard work but we have muddled through. However the last 2 times she has visited she was really hard work and I found myself counting down the days for her to go home.
Due to covid-19 my DH is about to be extremely busy upon his return to work and will be working much longer hours to accommodate this.

It was suggested to DSD before she came last time that she might like to attend a 1 week holiday club to give me a little break however she made it clear she really didn't want to attend so we didn't push it too much.

As soon as she is able to safely travel again she will be coming over for 6 weeks minimum and I'm dreading it. Can anyone give any advice on how best for me to handle this? I know DH can't force her to attend a holiday club but I feel we could push on it a bit more (they may not even be running this summer either)

Not sure its relevant but I have been with my DH for 12 years and he has never lived in the same country as DSD however he worked in the country for 3 months during his training and DSD was conceived during a one night stand on this trip

@RedCarBluePlane English is her first language

@Frankola thanks for your suggestions. Will take that on board

She is 10 and you have been together 12 years? Is there a typo?

Can you plan a project in advance? Something she is into? Building a model
or making an item of clothing/knitting?

Also I find booking things like cookery days ( locally we have a brilliant kid and parent chocolate making day as well as bread baking days).
Also your DH could take her out for a meal
with just him or cinema/theatre in the evenings and give you a bit of free time to run or read etc. Plus he can do activities on the weekends.

If she plays any sports then you could
book a sports lesson at a local
Club for an hour or so (whilst you have a coffee!). If she enjoys it then see if they do a day camp. Private health clubs like David Lloyd are good for this.

Also think about day camps or even half day sessions run by local theatres etc if she is into that sort of thing.

I think being told about a week long camp on your own with no local friends attending would be pretty daunting tbh so can see why she would say no. If you have friends with kids same ages who she has met in the past maybe she could buddy up?

You could consider a three or four day trip with her like PGL as then you can have a drink with the adults whilst she plays with the kids in the evening and all activities are done as a group of a few ‘families’. I did this with the kids when DH was at work one summer and there were loads of blended or single families there.

Depending on where DSD lives it could all be irrelevant for this year anyway. I live abroad (12 hour direct flight away) and am coming back to the UK this year where I'll be subject to 14 days quarantine and as it stands at the moment won't be able to return to where I live. Lots of countries will have quarantine upon return in July/Aug and if she has to do 2 weeks quarantine in the UK and then 2 when she gets home it may not be practical for her to travel, especially if that means she can't go to school. Most people I know are not travelling home this year.

School hols are hard for any parent. If this is your only 'work' in a year it's not really that much of a hardship. Has DSD built up friend ships over the summers or relationships with family in the UK? I'm not sure how sustainable the current arrangements are if she hasn't. My DC were born in the UK and we moved abroad when they were young but old enough to have formed relationships which get fed every summer. Maybe it's time for a change to arrangements.

OP 2 years isn't a new relationship, tbh I dont think I could care for a child on my own like that who was conceived during my relationship, I think hes taking advantage. Its abit grim he was actively having unprotected sex behind your back. In regards to a job I think it would be good for you to get a job so you're less dependent on him.

It does seem odd that her mother would send her child to a different country to stay with the wife of a man she presumably doesn't really know if it was a one night stand?

She is ending her child to be with her father. Nothing at all wrong with that. If he chooses to delegate his responsibilities, it has nothing to do with mum, and why on Earth she should look after the child for the other 46 weeks of the year and the child’s father not even manage the summer is beyond me.

I have read the thread. Why can’t your DH take more time off during the time that DSD is visiting? Surely most of his annual leave could be taken at this time?

If he took 3 weeks off surely that would only leave you 3 weeks of just day times, I assume he’s around out of work hours, to be with your DSD.

I feel very sorry for this young girl.

@grasstree12

So our house set up is that I don't work and I have no biological kids. DH is a medical professional and has 1 sister who we have asked before if she could provide a few days childcare but each time she declined so it got a bit awkward

So in essence, in return for being a kept woman you care for his child, who you've known since birth for only 6 weeks a year and you want to palm her off?

Nice. Not.

If you had a typical setup you'd most likely have her a lot more frequently.

Why can you not approach this more positively? Chat with her beforehand about what she'd like to do. Find out her interests. Get resources that match these. Plan out picnics etc, get a paddling pool or even hot tub for the garden. Plan barbecues, bake and have afternoon tea. Find out if of will be able to take leave this summer.

With a 10 year old it's not that big an ask.

I agree that considering the fact you are not working and the only reason you are able not to is your oh career facilitating it, the least you can do is accept that you are looking after his daughter during the day for that period.

The alternative is that he and she don't get to see eachother which is quite a drastic outcome to allow you not to make an effort for 5 weeks.

What you need is a plan. Work out it all before she comes. I appreciate it's not easy as you might not have any friends with children that age. Look at activities that are available, things going on etc... Your husband should look after her every time he is home and forfeit any of his out of work hubbies, or mist of them as after all, she comes to see him mainly.

Plan it together in advance, agree on disciplining etc...and maybe it won't be do bad. Shell likely want more time just for herself any way as she get older.b

This has turned into a bit of a funny one tbh. On paper I absolutely do not think you should feel obligated to provide childcare for your partner's children but I do agree with others that it's a bit different if you aren't working and him having the demanding job he has is what funds your lifestyle. But then at the same time, you say he loves his job so much he would never consider changing it even if you weren't available to look after his daughter, so I do think he perhaps needs to reevaluate whether he is actually in a position to have her for the length of time he has arranged. It's not like you're forcing him to work as many hours as he does, if he wouldn't even consider reducing them if you were also contributing financially. Getting a job would, as others have said, give you more of a leg to stand on, as well as giving you much more personal security.

What I can't believe though is that the child was conceived 2 years into your relationship - I do think it is incredibly cheeky of him to expect childcare from you under those circumstances, I would have dumped him then and there. You would be well within your rights to feel anger at that, but you seem fine with that part. So all things considered, there are a lot of different ways you could look at this situation in terms of what is right or wrong, but I think you perhaps just need a more practical solution. Just tell him something along the lines of you will watch her, but you need a week in the middle/day a week to yourself, and he needs to sort that one way or another. This is a particularly gruelling arrangement for you and you should feel free to ask for compromise.

Hi OP. I think that what you do now will be very important for how this little girl feels in the future. It's really important for her future self esteem that she feels loved and wanted and not a chore that people try to get out of doing. If you try to encourage her to go to clubs that she doesn't want to attend, it will make her feel in the way.
Her dad hasn't made her a priority really, which is sad. Lots of parents have to choose careers around their children and that's not what your dh has been prepared to do. And you benefit from his well paid job (not criticising). So that being said, I think you both owe it to her to make her visit as nice for her as possible.

I would never want it to seem I'm trying to 'palm her off' as that isn't the case at all, hence why she was asked re the holiday camp as I would never want her to feel that way. We do lots of stuff when she is over and are out of the house most days doing different things with my friends who have children as well. I've taken on board peoples opinions and advice and can see that it would be wrong of me to try and change the arrangements now which have worked well for many years.

Also I haven't really addressed the conception side of things as in short, we got together and we're dating around a year and 4 months when he went abroad. We didn't live together prior to this and saw each other around one a week as he was training in his speciality then, so it didn't seem like a serious relationship at the time. That is how I managed to get over the fact that he returned and had got someone pregnant. Obviously at first it was bloody hard and I did take it hard but ultimately he was and is the man I want to be with so I accepted that this was the way it was. Whether that makes me stupid I don't know but that is how I handled it.

It must be a hard situation for you but it’s pretty unique in the scheme of step children and you did choose to be a part of this set up. It seems like you have been in the child’s life as much as her father. It must be especially difficult if you can’t have children of your own which is clearly what you say you wanted. Nevertheless you did agree to be part of this child’s life by staying in your relationship and given all the other information, it does seem fair that you do your bit to facilitate contact. Try to make the most of it, the more you put into these things, the more you get out of them. You say you have only been out of work for three years, returning to work even part time could put some pressure on DH to bend his schedule to accommodate the visit.

@grasstree12 I don't think anybody needs to be questioning what you did back then. You've obviously made a go of things and had a long relationship. If you've been happy and he's been loyal since then it's nobody else's business. Keeping a ten year old entertained for that length of time is no easy task so I totally understand why you're posting.

Sorry - but I'm still trying to get my head around what type of man starts a relationship, has a one night stand with someone else in another country, conceives a child, returns to his relationship, marries & then expects his wife to assume primary care of the child he apparently sees only once a year.
Money and who is/is not working is not the issue here. The issue imo is this man's careless attitude to all involved including his dd who, if she only gets 6 weeks a year with her dad then she should be spending them with HIM.
He sounds like a totally selfish arsehole who has everyone hoodwinked.

He sounds like a totally selfish arsehole who has everyone hoodwinked.

Pretty shocking he can only spare his dd 7-10 days of his annual leave. Even 7-10 days at the start and end of her visit would be better

@flamingochill I think this man is a dr. It's not always that easy and particularly in the current situation to take all your holidays in a lump. Plus I'm sure the op and he like to enjoy their own holidays throughout the year

If my partner had slept with someone and got them pregnant a year and a half into our relationship, would be beyond furious regardless of whether we lived together. Only you know your set up at the time and if it was established that you were non exclusive, but if it wasn't then I still think it is incredibly unfair of him to do that and then rub salt into the wound by expecting you to be the main caregiver when she visits. Morally, I do see that as quite wrong.

At that age it won't be long until she becomes resentful about spending the whole school holiday with you. Your DH needs to make an effort now. She misses out on doing things with her friends every holiday to come and stay with a father who isn't around.

There may be activities that she can do one day a week each week to give you a break rather than a week long camp. That possibly won't be the case this year though.

What magda said.
The child is there to have contact with her father, he’s a disgrace, discarding her and not bothering to arrange childcare and pretending it’s because of his job. It’s not your problem to solve, the child has a right to contact with her father and he’s opted out.

Sorry just re reading from my original post I didn't make it clear we do see her other occasions through the year, she comes for Christmas break every other year and we usually visit her twice a year and will holiday in her country with her but in a different state. So the 6 weeks isn't the only time we see her however the 6 week summer break is the time when I am the main childcare provider, during the times we would go away with her my husband is a very loving and dad. He does his best with taking 7-10 days in the summer however it's definitely will not be possibility this year

Also my husband provides a hell of a lot of financial support (as he should) to DSD mum and also pays for their apartment which if he was to cut down on his hours and start taking more time off would then become a struggle. Everyone is happy with the current arrangements as they stand. I came on here looking for ideas to make the 6 weeks a little easier on me as it's very full on and have been provided with some good suggestions

Sorry - but I'm still trying to get my head around what type of man starts a relationship, has a one night stand with someone else in another country, conceives a child, returns to his relationship, marries & then expects his wife to assume primary care of the child he apparently sees only once a year.

I agree. Op I think you deserve a medal, not criticism. To be honest I think given the circumstances in which he created the child, he can deal with all of the parenting instead of expecting the op to be cool with helping.

If I cheated on a partner and he miraculously stuck around, I would feel so shameful expecting him to look after my child for weeks on end. The op’s partner just wants it all ways and he’s been lucky so far. Gets to have a shag with some random woman, has a baby, partner stays with him and now expects childcare. Pig.

Sorry op I just feel really sorry for you. I know I shouldn’t have called him a pig but he’s really had it so easy hasn’t he?