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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Childcare

77 replies

grasstree12 · 03/06/2020 16:23

Name changed for this as circumstances are outing.

My DSD (10) lives in another country and visits us during her school break. My DH is unable to take 6 weeks off from work to provide childcare (he usually will take off 1 week-10 days) so it falls down to me which in the past has been hard work but we have muddled through. However the last 2 times she has visited she was really hard work and I found myself counting down the days for her to go home.
Due to covid-19 my DH is about to be extremely busy upon his return to work and will be working much longer hours to accommodate this.

It was suggested to DSD before she came last time that she might like to attend a 1 week holiday club to give me a little break however she made it clear she really didn't want to attend so we didn't push it too much.

As soon as she is able to safely travel again she will be coming over for 6 weeks minimum and I'm dreading it. Can anyone give any advice on how best for me to handle this? I know DH can't force her to attend a holiday club but I feel we could push on it a bit more (they may not even be running this summer either)

Not sure its relevant but I have been with my DH for 12 years and he has never lived in the same country as DSD however he worked in the country for 3 months during his training and DSD was conceived during a one night stand on this trip

OP posts:
Hazelnutlatteplease · 03/06/2020 17:36

You talk as though your family is just you and your DH. It isn't. This child has been part of your family before she was even born.

You only see this child for less than half the year. Personally i would suck it up

GlitchStitch · 03/06/2020 17:38

You could always ask your husband to take a less stressful job, or cut his hours so he's always around for her but then you might need to get a job yourself to contribute.

Giespeace · 03/06/2020 17:40

Without knowing the background details other than what you have disclosed, I’m with PP who have said this is your chance to give something back to your DH.
That said, is it normal for children to have the final say in their own childcare arrangements? What’s the big problem with a week at holiday club? She might well really enjoy the chance to be around other kids. How much is DSD likely to get out of this extended visit if your DH will hardly be around? Will there be other opportunities soon for DH and DSD to spend some quality time together?

Original poster
grasstree12 · 03/06/2020 17:49

My husband would never give up his job he trained for years in his speciality and absolutely loves it and would never even consider that. Over the years we have developed a relationship with DSD mother as we have visited her in her country and her DM is really lovely and I am in contact with her and get on well.

I appreciate posters saying if I want to keep my lifestyle of not working then to suck it up which I had a feeling would be the case and like I said in my first post we have had this arrangement for a number of years and we have muddled through each time

OP posts:
sassbott · 03/06/2020 17:57

Well what else did you expect from posters? Empathy that you’re a kept woman with no responsibilities and you shouldn’t have to do this one thing for him?
Astonishing really

Original poster
grasstree12 · 03/06/2020 18:02

@sassbott what I meant was I appreciate their opinions and accept that they are probably right. I'm not disagreeing. I just wanted opinions hence why I asked on here before speaking to my DH

OP posts:
toinfinityandlockdown · 03/06/2020 18:06

Could you get a summer au pair (maybe not this year...but in future)? Not as a substitute for time with you and DH but just so you can get a break to meet a friend or whatever.

indecisivelil · 03/06/2020 18:07

@sassbott it doesn't irk me that she is a kept woman. Men are often a full time job in themselves and I wouldn't be too keen on looking after a child that wasn't mine either frankly. I think the op gets it

toinfinityandlockdown · 03/06/2020 18:08

@sassbott that’s hardly the point. Relationships aren’t some sort of work exchange contract. They are about both wanting the others happiness.

Original poster
grasstree12 · 03/06/2020 18:13

@toinfinityandlockdown thanks for the suggestion, I've always been reluctant as I want her to have a lovely time with us and not just be palmed off on someone, I thought she might like a summer camp and to meet other children so was ok with this but I would feel bad for her, she is a lovely little girl, it's just a very full on 6 weeks Grin

OP posts:
noyoucannotcomein · 03/06/2020 18:16

Can he take a couple of days of every week while she is there instead of a week/ten day block? You watch her Mon - Wed and he has her the rest?

june2007 · 03/06/2020 18:23

There are lots of sports camps or drama camps, but at the moment they may all be on hold, if they are open she could go to one of these for a wk. I think it,s not too much to asked, you are her step mum, therefore family is it too much to ask family,s to look after each other? If you had a job then it would puut a different light on things.

Sleepingboy · 03/06/2020 18:27

Why are you asking her if she would like to go to a camp/holiday club? In most families kids are told what's happening rather than given the choice. Why can't you say she's welcome but she will be going to holiday club on Mondays to Wednesdays each week. If she's like most kids she'll be begging to go the other two days!!

lunar1 · 03/06/2020 19:34

Doctors can take longer than that off, especially as they become more senior. If he's consultant or staff grade no longer training there is no reason he can't use a month of holiday in one go if he books far enough in advance. Why isn't he taking longer?

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2020 20:35

Wow. DSD is 10 and you’ve been together for 12 years, and DSD was conceived during a one night stand when he was working over there.
How have you even stayed with him? Isn’t his child a constant reminder of him cheating on you?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 03/06/2020 20:41

Why are you asking her if she would like to go to a camp/holiday club? In most families kids are told what's happening rather than given the choice.

Not when theres a pseudo parent at home. Camps are fine if you have no choice and your kids enjoy them. Being sent on one knowing that you could be at "home" is a whole different ball game, especially if you're the kind of kid who loathes them with a passion.

Trying something different like scuba diving you might have more luck with. Especially if you presented it as "would you be interested in.... while your here" so for her benefit.

Alwaystwomagpies · 03/06/2020 20:46

Get a job then it won’t be your responsibility to sort out Grin

Seriously though. Did you never have a job or career or study? Solely as you thought you might have kids? OP how old are you as going forwards it sounds a sad and rather risky life as if he leave you then you are left with no financial independence at all.

Holiday cub for the odd day would be fine but I think very hard for her to attend when she knows no one and it’s not even the country she lives in.

Could your DH not take 2w annual leave and you visit her abroad so have a holiday yourselves, he can see her everyday and she still has her friends and own home. Then bring her back to U.K. for two weeks so you only have to solo parent then?

Original poster
grasstree12 · 03/06/2020 20:55

I worked up until 3 years ago full time and I am 37. I don't resent my SD or see her as a reminder as we were a very new relationship and he was completely upfront about what had gone on while he was out there. Doesn't excuse it but it was years ago so I barely think about it.

It's not an issue for my husband to take time off usually, he takes 7-10 days in summer break usually and a few weeks throughout the year spread out. The point was more with having been unable to do what he does for work he now has a large back logs of patients to work through. I appreciate everyone's comments and I think I will leave things for the time being as like a few people have said, it's only a few weeks of sole childcare out of my year so I will suck it up

OP posts:
amy85 · 03/06/2020 21:06

Of course you should help with childcare....dsd is part of the family you can't pick and choose which family bits you want to participate in... especially when your husband works to keep you financially

amy85 · 03/06/2020 21:08

@lunar1

Doctors can take longer than that off, especially as they become more senior. If he's consultant or staff grade no longer training there is no reason he can't use a month of holiday in one go if he books far enough in advance. Why isn't he taking longer?
Probably because they don't want him to use all his holiday for his DD as then they wouldn't get to go on holiday themselves....this appears to be the reason my ex only uses a week of his holiday entitlement with our kids
funinthesun19 · 03/06/2020 21:08

Camps are fine if you have no choice and your kids enjoy them. Being sent on one knowing that you could be at "home" is a whole different ball game, especially if you're the kind of kid who loathes them with a passion.

What about the children who really enjoy them though? Sometimes it’s not just about childcare. It’s about the child being with their friends and having fun and being somewhere where they absolutely love being. Should they miss out on all that just because an adult is off at home?

My DS goes to football club a lot during school holidays. I don’t work at the moment. Should he miss out on doing something he loves just because I’ll be at home?
I think I must have spent every single school holiday at holiday club when I was a kid, even when my parents had time off work. Because I enjoyed them that much. I don’t think I ever thought “oh I could be at home right now”. I don’t think my ds does either when he’s having fun at football club.

Frankola · 03/06/2020 21:17

I'm hopefully going to be a bit more helpful than "suck it up" comments here.

The key to enjoying the time you spend with SD is to keep her busy. Kids are a lot less hard work when they're busy, including pre-teens.

Go for walks, take picnics, perhaps get a couple of bikes? Or you can book crafting deliveries etc. Theres also baking.

Do activities together. You'll get a lot more engagement and less hassle. You might even enjoy it!

Start preparing a plan to keep her busy when she comes. This will also help prevent her from getting homesick and missing friends.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 03/06/2020 21:31

What about the children who really enjoy them though?

They would have said "wow that sounds awesome" and there wouldn't be the problem in the first place!

RedCarBluePlane · 03/06/2020 21:37

Is English her second language? That might be why she’s reluctant to go to a summer club, especially if she’s a shy child anyway.

funinthesun19 but that’s a completely different situation. You and your son both enjoy summer clubs, not all kids do.

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2020 21:39

They would have said "wow that sounds awesome" and there wouldn't be the problem in the first place!

That sounds a bit different to what you originally said but ok.

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