Childcare

[grasstree12]

Name changed for this as circumstances are outing.

My DSD (10) lives in another country and visits us during her school break. My DH is unable to take 6 weeks off from work to provide childcare (he usually will take off 1 week-10 days) so it falls down to me which in the past has been hard work but we have muddled through. However the last 2 times she has visited she was really hard work and I found myself counting down the days for her to go home.
Due to covid-19 my DH is about to be extremely busy upon his return to work and will be working much longer hours to accommodate this.

It was suggested to DSD before she came last time that she might like to attend a 1 week holiday club to give me a little break however she made it clear she really didn't want to attend so we didn't push it too much.

As soon as she is able to safely travel again she will be coming over for 6 weeks minimum and I'm dreading it. Can anyone give any advice on how best for me to handle this? I know DH can't force her to attend a holiday club but I feel we could push on it a bit more (they may not even be running this summer either)

Not sure its relevant but I have been with my DH for 12 years and he has never lived in the same country as DSD however he worked in the country for 3 months during his training and DSD was conceived during a one night stand on this trip

What would he do if you were not available / he was single?! That would be my start point tbh. Anything you offer in terms of childcare should be voluntary IMO, 6 weeks is a really long time! Can his family not support / she go to stay with his parents for a bit?

If you were happy to provide the childcare then that would of course be lovely but you shouldn't on any level feel like you are obliged to do it if you don't want to. Six weeks is a long time and a big ask, and I would just be honest and say you don't want to be having to look after her when he is unavailable during that time, especially given his hours will be unusually long, and he'll need to find a way to make it work without you bearing the load. He either needs to have her for a different length of time that he is able to get off work to look after her, or he will need to get some form of childcare. You don't have to do it just because she doesn't want to do the holiday camp idea, in that case they need to agree if she would rather attend that, or come another time.

Do you work yourself? What’s the set up in your house?

What would he do if you were not available / he was single?

This, absolutely this.

I'm not sure of the value for the DSD or spending so much time with you, rather than a parent. I wonder how she feels about it. However kind you are, I could understand that she might feel fobbed off

As PP asked, what is your set up at home, how are you available for childcare. Do you have other DC who are being looked after by you.

At first glance, this does look to be a DH problem, as so often with questions on MN.

So our house set up is that I don't work and I have no biological kids. DH is a medical professional and has 1 sister who we have asked before if she could provide a few days childcare but each time she declined so it got a bit awkward

Also to add my DH is the first to admit he would struggle to no end if he didn't have me and he is very very appreciative. He knows it's hard on me and he has tried to make alternative arrangements with his sister /holiday camps but it never seems to go anywhere

He obviously is not trying hard enough.. maybe she should come more often for shorter periods of time .. hitting the teenage years comes with it’s own challenges.. broach the subject with DH .. a compromise is needed🤷🏻‍♀️

It's more the logistics of this as if she were to come for a shorter period, she would still have to visit twice in what is her summer break otherwise we would barely see her, she lives a long plane journey away

Goodness, you really are going above and beyond. Six weeks full time child care when you don't have children yourself.

My step children were adults before now DH ever got together. I just wouldn't have the skills to love fully responsible for a teenager.

My heart goes out to her, having to leave her friends for six weeks at a time. As a teenager, I spent time flying out to see my parents in the school holidays. It might sound great but it really, really isn't much fun.

It's all very well your DH being grateful but this really does need a major rethink, especially as the DSD gets older. I do hope you can work out something that works.

Women are socialised to pick up whatever slack there is, especially around children and households. This really isn't fair on anyone.

All the best.

I actually this his sister has the right attitude.

she declined so it got a bit awkward

I'd encourage you to take a leaf out of her book. What are your interests in life, what would you be doing if the DSD did not get landed on you?

I think if you aren’t working and are not disabled that you could do some of it. Even half or a third would be fair. Your step daughter is a member of your family.

@FinallyHere I have a good social life with my friends and enjoy gardening. running and dog walking. I understand how it looks which is that I'm being used as a babysitter. From my DH point of view I understand he has limited options as he isn't able to take all that time off and he misses most of her visits which he feels bad about but if he was to have to be available for the whole period he would have to look for a new career as it just isn't possible for him

What do you contribute to your household if you don’t provide childcare as you have no children but you also don’t work? If you contribute half financially then you owe him nothing, but if he supports you then I think it’s only fair you look after his DSD for six weeks.

What about her coming for a 2 week visit, with your DH taking those 2 weeks off?

6 weeks is a long time and a hell of a big ask. And if you're really dreading it, then it's not a reasonable thing to ask of you. She is HIS daughter. His responsibility.

If his working means you don't have to/ he is financially supporting you then you do the childcare. If you're financially independent then you are under no obligation to and he should make his own arrangements

@PlatoAteMySnozcumber I don't contribute financially. We planned to have children of our own however it has not worked out that way

@grasstree12 in that case it's not unreasonable for him to ask you. If you're really not happy then ask yourself if him reducing his hours or going part time would impact on your lifestyle and if you'd be happy with that.
I will look after my stepson but I don't work so I see that as my contribution to the household

OP, I take my hat off to you if you're saying DSD was conceived whilst you were together and now you provide shed loads of care for her.

Hire a nanny?

I think in your circumstances, with you being so financially dependant on him (and him on you for childcare) there is nothing you can do but provide the childcare. 10 yo are difficult but maybe if you got lots of things she enjoys (eg trampoline / crafts / baking) she could pretty much amuse herself while you watch her.

@indecisivelil that's for that and definitely is food for thought

@RyanStartedTheFire thank you however we were in a new relationship (what people would call 'seeing each other' now)when he left for his training period and had known each other for years before so at the time it didn't seem like a big deal

@GrumpyHoonMain we do a lot of days out with my friends who have children when she is here so are always busy doing something

Hold on. So you don’t contribute financially. I’m sorry you have no children of your own. You have a good social life that basically your husband enables you to have?

I am all for telling people to not have to mind their SC. But that’s on the basis that they work themselves/ have their own responsibilities in terms of childcare/ caregiving to someone in the family. You do nothing and you’re aggrieved at having 4 weeks out of your year to help your husband with the childcare responsibilities?

This one has to be a wind up. If someone financially took care of me completely and the only thing I was asked to do in return was spend 4 weeks alone caring for that child, I’d take it and run!

@grasstree12 I missed the bit about her conception. Sheds a slightly different light on it. I think I would be reluctant in your shoes too but I think it is a suck it up situation if you want to keep your lifestyle.
It does seem odd that her mother would send her child to a different country to stay with the wife of a man she presumably doesn't really know if it was a one night stand?