Pushed out

[hushhushhush]

Please can someone help with ways so I don't feel pushed out when my sc stay .To start they're here most days .They're good kids but omg when they're here I may as well be invisible.They're both clambering after their dads attention all the time .They are both teenagers .I feel bad opening up about this , but I've now had to remove myself from them all .I feel a switch in side their dads heads goes of and he chooses to ignore me when here .He shows me no affection in front of them , I'm only talking hand hold , sitting next to me or even a cuddle .help me feel strong about all this

When you say they’re there most days, do they live with or pop in and sleep elsewhere?

I think you need to take a step back and look at your relationship because if you take the kids out of it, you’re saying your boyfriend/husband is ignoring you for large parts of upper life together. That’s not okay. Have you spoken to him about it?

@AnneLovesGilbert .thank you for replying.There is no structure in place for when they are here .They stay over when they want .It's just when they're here I'm pushed out .My dh will say things like they've come to see me , but they're here 50% of the time 🤷🏼‍♀️.It doesn't bother me them being here what bothers me I feel he's making me feel pushed out .

Tbf how many couples, cuddle and handhold all day?
Have you asked him why such a change in his behaviour?
I’d be going out when they arrive, also remind him it’s your home too and all of them are being rude.
Bit odd that teenagers are so demanding, most do their own thing.

Also be prepared for the MN step mum haters, they won’t tolerate anything other than step kids riding roughshod over every part of your life and you must comply 🙄🙄

@OtterBe4 .but I'm not asking for all the above affection all day .When they're not here my dh is affectionate like he'll come & find me give me a hug or if we go out on a walk grab for my hand .When his children are around ,well I may as well be a blank of wood .

You have to speak to him and tell him his behaviour is unpleasant.
What age are these needy kids?

Just wanted add yes I to find it odd that they are constantly grabbing for his attention, but want can I do ? I can't say anything without it being mistook for something else

That's the thing I can't talk to him about it .In around about way I did years ago , but it didn't ever come to anything.They are 16&17

Are you happy, do you feel valued and cherished, what about being with him makes your life better?

Well I am sorry but if my dad had started 'cuddling' my stepmother when we were around it would have been really weird and uncomfortable. Why are people so ...odd..

Not being able to talk to your partner about things that make you unhappy is an even bigger issue than the ignoring you. And that’s bad anyway.

16/17 and demanding attention?!
They sound very immature.
Talk to him again and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, don’t let them all treat you like this in your own home.
How long have you been together? is it your house?

....although you know that soon they won't be around half so much because of their ages....hang in there. .

That’s your issue Destroyedpeople. Role models of happy affectionate relationships are good for children of all ages to see.

Seems odd behaviour for that age thought you would say 6 and 7!

That's want keeps my sanity knowing they won't be here forever, but I still have days when it effects me .Like today .

Hmm I am.not sure that the dad 'cuddling ' the stepmother would really be appropriate.....more embarrassing tbh. Maybe it's just the choice of words. To me a grown woman crying that she is not getting 'cuddles ' when her teenage step kids are there just sounds needy and odd.

Surely they will be off doing their own thing soon...?

It's unusual for kids that age to fight for attention. But it's also odd that you can't cope with the lack of affection. They're his kids. It's good that he prioritises them when he sees them, he's the parent. At their ages it's surprising that their bond is so strong but that's not a bad thing at all. If you choose to be in a relationship with someone who has kids, you'd better get used to being in the back seat. This strong loving relationship with his kids might not last much longer given their ages. You can soak it up then. You don't have kids yourself?

It I'm not needy or crying out for cuddles???
It's the small gestures .Like sitting next to me on the sofa .I have never gone in for a hug when they are around .

I have 2 grown up children myself .Like I said I'm not bothered how thy interact with Dh the point is how it comes across as in invisible .50% of the time they are here .Sometimes it feels they act out they haven't seen him for weeks & it was only yesterday

If you choose to be in a relationship with someone who has kids, you'd better get used to being in the back seat.

That’s terrible advice and completely untrue.

Why? A new partner shouldn't be on the same level as the parent and their children. I would say that at this age then maybe there should be a good degree of integration between the kids, parent and step parent but that there's still a level that the parent should have with his own children that doesn't always have to involve the step parent. The step parent should be able to take a reasonable step back from that. It's a different relationship that they can't impede on.

OP How old are your kids? This is unlikely to last forever. His kids aren't likely to keep this up much longer. Surely if yours are grown you've lived through this stage yourself? You don't need him to give you affection while his kids are present. Sounds more like you're trying to prove a point that doesn't need to be made.

It’s not a competition. Parents who don’t have space in their lives to be in relationships shouldn’t be in relationships. I’m a step parent and a parent, I also have a step parent. You balance wants and needs if the family unit is to succeed and the adults have both. These children are also almost adults.