Sharing toys aibu

[FlyMCA]

Things are rocky between me and DH as is it so I think I need a bit of outside perspective whether I'm over reacting or not over this.

There is a fairly big ages gap between toddler DD and up primary aged SD, and they generally get on and play as well as you can expect when one of them is a toddler, the issue isn't between them two, it's me and DH.

SD has a massive issue (in my opinion, DH disagrees hence the post) with sharing her toys.if DD is upstairs she slams her door shut and doesn't like letting her into her room and if she does allow her in doesn't allow DD to touch anything, including teddy bears, colouring stuff. Nothing. If SD brings anything down stairs as soon as DD shows interest she takes her toys straight back to her room, comes down and plays with DDs instead.
DD on the other hand has to allow SD into her room, there has been issues in the past with SD thinking this was an extension of her room and helped her self to what ever she wanted. DH, to his credit has put a stop to this. SD is allowed to play with all DDs toys as if they are her own, and given shes older generally dictates how they are played with IYSWIM.
Things have to a (petty I know) head over SD bringing a stuffed unicorn downstairs, left it and went to play out side. DD found it and was quite happily stroking it and playing with it and as soon as SD realised she made a big song and dance about playing with something else, encouraged DD to join in and as soon as she put the unicorn down ran up stairs to put it in her room, came down and decided she wanted to do her own thing, leaving DD alone.
This is a pretty common thing SD does, if DD is playing with something SD wants she encourages DD to join on playing with something else then leaves her to go play with what ever DD was playing with.

It all sound so petty writing it down but it's starting to drive me insane that SD doesn't have to share a thing, yet DDs toys are communal. Part of me thinks it's good for DD to share but it all feels very unfair that it's a very one sided thing.
DH argues that DD has to learn if she stops playing with something then she cant demand someone else give it her back if she starts playing with something else, which is fair enough but DD is 80% of the time playing happily and then is lured away under the pretence of something more fun only to be abandoned and not have her original game to go back to?

How old are they?

And is DD upset when the thing is taken away or is she happily distracted with something else?

Do either of them damage stuff either intentionally or just through being a dribbly, heavy-handed toddler?

I'm being vague ish to try make it less outing (not sure what other posts I have under this username..). Young toddler and 8. No, neither damage intentionally, if toddler DD is trying to play with something of SDs which is potentially breakable, I don't allow her to, likewise if she is being heavy handed and there is the potential for damage I either supervise her more closely or give her something else to play with, not that this happend often as DD doesn't get the opportunity to play with anything of SDs.
Probably importantro mention, SD is quite 'young' with what she plays with, shes still very into dolls, soft toys and colouring/craft stuff, which is why she enjoys a lot of DDs things.

Is DD upset ? It depends, shes more upset if SD wants her to play with something else just so SD can claim that toy as 'hers', when she is left playing alone with a toy she didnt originally want to play with she gets upset as she then wants to play with the original one but SD and DH are both telling her she has to play how SD wants because she was playing with something else. I think I'm explaining this very badly.

DD is generally pretty good as far as toddlers go when it comes to playing with others and just too destructive at the moment.

My eldest sister was funny with sharing her toys. sometimes she could be very generouse, but everything wason her terms. I think she had quite a bit broken when we were young so she became pretective. Just the way she was.

As far as I can remember DD hasn't broken anything of SDs so it's not that and I do keep an eye on her on the rare occasion she is allowed in SDs room to make sure she isn't making a mess. Obviously I don't let DD play with things that arnt suitable for her, its more SD managing to slyly avoid sharing things like crayons/ craft things, dolls and soft toys whilst still expecting DDs toys to be communal that annoys me.

I suspect I am being slightly irrationally angry over it all. SD refers to her toys as 'mine' always but I've noticed DDs are more frequently becoming 'ours' and I honestly feel like I'm going to snap over it one day.

I think I'd cut SD some slack. It's not ideal and she probably should be better at sharing, but it's hard to get a new sibling and to have to share your dad. If she's generally good otherwise I wouldn't bother too much about it.

I also think it's quite age dependent, at 8 stuff is really 'yours' as a baby/young toddler it isn't 'yours' in the same way iyswim? They're understanding of what is 'theirs' is different. You'll probably find in a few years the tables have turned and your 5 year old doesn't want to share, while the 11 year old is much more reasonable!

I also think that toddlers are sticky aren't they? They seem to always be dribbly or snotty or covered in something! They put things in their mouths, they let stuff drag on the floor. It's not quite the same as sharing with an older child. My DC are pretty good at sharing with each other, but I don't think they'd like a toddler to play with their stuff tbh.

Why don't you let DD decide. If she's upset because SD is touching/taking her stuff then you can tell SD to leave it, but it sounds like you're more upset than DD at the moment? I find toddlers don't really care who is touching their stuff as long as they have what they want at that moment.

But that's the thing, she is upset sometimes because she was happily playing with toy A, SD tells her to come play with her with toy B, then SD goes off and plays with toy A and and becuase DD stopped playing with is it has becomes SDs and she calls the shots now = grumpy DD and me trying to encourage her to play nicely when actually I think shes right to be pissed off. Then I get feckless DH chirping away in the background about not snatching and 'you stopped playing with that' whilst I'm the idiot who has to restore the peace instead of him just telling SD to go play with her own stuff and leave DD alone if shes playing quietly.
I think your right that I'm more annoyed over it than DD, but I don't want it to become the norm as DD is going to get older and realise one day that it's not a fair situation?

I understand she's upset when SD lures her away, but she doesn't seem to be upset about SD touching her stufd or calling it 'our' stuff? That's just you, so don't worry about that bit.

DD will notice that it's not fair eventually and she'll speak up! Toddlers are not known for quietly mulling over their feelings. She'll stand up for herself and SD and DP will have to deal with it.

The alternative is to just speak to SD about it. Just say 'I've noticed that you ask DD to play and then take away the toy she was playing with and it really makes her sad. Do you think you could try and be better at sharing some of your toys?'. Then if she does, loads and loads of praise. You could also pick up any toys she leaves lying around and put them up somewhere DD can't get them to prevent the situation starting in the first place. Or tell SD 'if you leave that lying there DD will play with it, if you don't want that to happen then put it away'.

Another option is to buy them some joint toys, so that SD gets used to sharing with DD when the stakes are low i.e. it's only half hers.

I was told as a child to close my bedroom door of I didn't want my little brother to come in and mess with my things. Not much of an age gap between us at all, but could the mum of your dsd suggested she puts anything she doesn't want ruined into her own room or something?

Also I agree with what's been mentioned about sharing her dad, and the toddler is quite new and your dsd is coping with a situation where another child is in her dad's house, having his attention when she isn't there.

I wouldn't like your partner's attitude over it - I think some of us are quick to excuse the toddler and the older one gets away with a bit more, but actually I've realised what a doormat this can make your child into.

I think dsd needs to be taught to share with the premise that she can't just take your toddler's toys when your toddler isn't allowed hers.

If Dh says to Dd, ‘well you stopped playing with it’ when she gets upset I’d be tempted to say the same thing eg when Sd sees Dd playing with toy A and tries to persuade her to come play with toy B just say to Sd, ‘well you stopped playing with it’ just so dh understands you’re point, other responses about waiting till Dd is older and more genuinely upset and gets more of a sense of fairness are probably more mature though.

Of course people may thinkI'm wrong for suggesting this, but when something like this happens with my two, I do this:

If DD is playing with something and DS comes and takes it and DD is upset, first I will ask him kindly to give it back. Usually what used to happen is he would refuse and try to run away with it, causing DD to become more upset.

My way of dealing with that was to find something 'way more fun' to show DD to play with. Normally this would cause DS to decide he wants to play with that thing instead, at which point when he returns with the toy I remind him that he took it, so now DD is doing something else. I invite him to share but he can't take the new toy away.

This has really helped me. DS has learned over time that if he takes a toy from DD, he might miss out on something fun, so he will (most of the time) try to ask for the toy instead and then get upset if he can't have it, but move on.

I don’t think any toys for 8 yos are suitable for a toddler. They throw things, suck them, drool on them - and 8 yo toys aren’t meant for that. Some even have paints / pieces (including stuffed toys) that can seriously cause damage to a toddler

I think this kind of behaviour from an 8 year old is spiteful and selfish and it is our duty as parents / carers to teach them this is wrong. I’m not saying kids should share every toy they have or let things be ruined but it’s obvious she’s only removing toys because she doesn’t want your DD playing with them.

Call SD on it,

“SD...did you just pretend to ask DD to play with the scooter so that you could get the doll house? That is not ok. If you ask her to come and play with the scooter with you, then you need to play with her on it for at least 10 minutes”

Then SD knows you are on to her. Also have a little chat off line with SD. Ask her why she is so concerned about DD playing with her toys. Maybe she has a reason that you can work with

Also designate some toys ‘family toys’, some toys DD toys and some toys SD toys (90% being family toys) That way the whole stashing things in her room will be minimized.

When my DC were very little we had a rule that you could have a couple of special items that were yours and your siblings had to ask to play with. Any birthday or Xmas gifts were ‘yours’ for about 2 weeks after being given and then entered the family pool for taking turns but no hogging.

The age gap is too big. I can see why SD doesn’t want to share or play with a toddler. I would redirect your baby to other things and avoid the battles.

I had the same thing but mine were sisters. My rule was if you can't play nicely then you're not allowed in each other's rooms. If you have toys downstairs then they're shared toys and you can't just decide to take it back upstairs. Obviously different if they're not age appropriate or being broken. I think it's a fair house rule, you just need dh to realise both children have to be treated the same.

neither damage intentionally
So she did damage things, just not intentionally?

Does she have younger siblings at home? Maybe they've damaged some of her thi GS and she associates toddlers with damaging things.

I personally agree that 8 year old toys are not really suitable for toddlers and I think she is doing the right thing by keeping them away. The fact she will distract her with another one shows it isn't spiteful.

Neither damage intentionally, DD hasn't broke anything that isn't hers, SD has accidentally dropped one of DDs toys down the stairs and also sat on a toy (not for sitting on riding on) and tried to ride it and broke it.
No siblings at her mums so nothing like that.
DH insists on a open bedroom door when shes playing in it, and given SD is here 50% of the time there are times I'm upstairs with DD to put clothes away, tidy up etc. It would just make like easier if for 10 minutes DD and SD could play nicely together with out me hearing 'no DD that's mine' over and over.
SD is distracting DD away from her own toddler toys, DD might be playing happily with her teapot, SD will make a big song and dance about playing with the music instruments and getting DD to play with her. DD will go over to play and SD immediately stops with the instruments and plays with the teapot. When DD understandably wants her tea pot back, SD and DH tell her she can't have it because she put it down and stopped playing with it. Both DDs toys.
Because DD has the smaller bedroom, a lot of her toys are downstairs and becuase of the age gap in not sure the 90% communal toys idea would work.
I think expecting SD to carry in the game she invited DD to play is probably the best option for putting a stop to it.

Seems that some PPs are saying 'dsd doesn't want to share and that's ok'. That's wrong. Dsd doesn't mind sharing dd's toys!

The phrase 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own' springs to mind. You need to nip this double standard in the bud OP.

That's my point sparklfairy! I feel they should both share, taking into account SDs things arnt always shareable, however when it comes to stuffed toys and dolls etc then there is no reason not to share.
But it seems a bit petty saying to SD not to play with DDs things just because she won't share her own but I feel that's the way its heading just so DD can play with her own things how she wants to.

Can you intervene when DSD tries to take DD away from whatever she's playing with ?

"Not now, DSD, DD is playing with her teapot ,maybe later ".

"DD you look like you're having fun are you sure you want to play with the instruments?".

Or remove the desired outcome "Ok girls, you play with the instruments I'll look after /put away the tea pot"

What you really need to do though is talk to your husband and make him understand that his attitude is not fair to either girl. DD misses out and DSD might start losing friendships if she behaves the same way with other children/friends.

You could be really petty and start putting his things away/using them/changing the channel every time he turns his back or leaves the room. "Oh you weren't using it anymore". But I'm a bit of a dick and when talking doesn't work I show people what I mean.

New rules.
all toys are communal - the older one won’t want it.
Toys are individual (location irrelevant) and owner must be asked for permission. If one is using it the other can join it if they ask or wait until the owner is finished with it and then ask.

The age gap will shrink as they get older the younger one won’t be a toddler for ever and will fight back.

SD is distracting DD away from her own toddler toys, DD might be playing happily with her teapot, SD will make a big song and dance about playing with the music instruments and getting DD to play with her. DD will go over to play and SD immediately stops with the instruments and plays with the teapot. When DD understandably wants her tea pot back, SD and DH tell her she can't have it because she put it down and stopped playing with it.
OP, this made me very sad for your DD. I have a 7 yo DD, and if I saw her pulling this stunt on a younger child, I would know 100% that she knew exactly what she was doing, that she was doing it on purpose to get the toy, I’d be cross about it and I’d let her know I saw her. IMO, this is what you and your DH should be doing. Your 10 minute play-with-it-together rule is a good idea, but most of all, I’d be letting SD know that what she’s doing is mean, and she shouldn’t take advantage of a baby in that way. She’s too big for that behaviour now.

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock

Can you intervene when DSD tries to take DD away from whatever she's playing with ?

"Not now, DSD, DD is playing with her teapot ,maybe later ".

"DD you look like you're having fun are you sure you want to play with the instruments?".

Or remove the desired outcome "Ok girls, you play with the instruments I'll look after /put away the tea pot"

What you really need to do though is talk to your husband and make him understand that his attitude is not fair to either girl. DD misses out and DSD might start losing friendships if she behaves the same way with other children/friends.

You could be really petty and start putting his things away/using them/changing the channel every time he turns his back or leaves the room. "Oh you weren't using it anymore". But I'm a bit of a dick and when talking doesn't work I show people what I mean.

These are really good ideas.

Hope you can get it resolved OP.

My SS is like this, it's very frustrating. Always wants other people to share their toys but never wants to share his own, and will make very obvious, sly attempts to get away with it. I'm forever calling him on the double standards. These days I just say if you don't want other people to play with something, it stays in your bedroom and you play with it there, otherwise you have to be willing to share if DD wants to join in. I can't spend all my time stopping her from being allowed to join in with anything, and I don't think it should be that way for her, either.

Your DH is a major problem though, he should be listening to what you are saying about how this actually plays out.