Sharing toys aibu

[FlyMCA]

Things are rocky between me and DH as is it so I think I need a bit of outside perspective whether I'm over reacting or not over this.

There is a fairly big ages gap between toddler DD and up primary aged SD, and they generally get on and play as well as you can expect when one of them is a toddler, the issue isn't between them two, it's me and DH.

SD has a massive issue (in my opinion, DH disagrees hence the post) with sharing her toys.if DD is upstairs she slams her door shut and doesn't like letting her into her room and if she does allow her in doesn't allow DD to touch anything, including teddy bears, colouring stuff. Nothing. If SD brings anything down stairs as soon as DD shows interest she takes her toys straight back to her room, comes down and plays with DDs instead.
DD on the other hand has to allow SD into her room, there has been issues in the past with SD thinking this was an extension of her room and helped her self to what ever she wanted. DH, to his credit has put a stop to this. SD is allowed to play with all DDs toys as if they are her own, and given shes older generally dictates how they are played with IYSWIM.
Things have to a (petty I know) head over SD bringing a stuffed unicorn downstairs, left it and went to play out side. DD found it and was quite happily stroking it and playing with it and as soon as SD realised she made a big song and dance about playing with something else, encouraged DD to join in and as soon as she put the unicorn down ran up stairs to put it in her room, came down and decided she wanted to do her own thing, leaving DD alone.
This is a pretty common thing SD does, if DD is playing with something SD wants she encourages DD to join on playing with something else then leaves her to go play with what ever DD was playing with.

It all sound so petty writing it down but it's starting to drive me insane that SD doesn't have to share a thing, yet DDs toys are communal. Part of me thinks it's good for DD to share but it all feels very unfair that it's a very one sided thing.
DH argues that DD has to learn if she stops playing with something then she cant demand someone else give it her back if she starts playing with something else, which is fair enough but DD is 80% of the time playing happily and then is lured away under the pretence of something more fun only to be abandoned and not have her original game to go back to?

I think your sd's behaviour is common, but is not being corrected by her father and that is causing frustration. Sounds like there might be other issues going on too. My ds1 will play with ds2's toys and then gets annoyed when the situation is reversed. Or put thing a up high so ds2 can't reach them, even when not playing with them himself at the time. But we do correct behaviour, call out double standards and buy some joint toys so they have no owner.

Your first sentence is that things are rocky in your marriage. I'd give that precedence over who gets to play with a toy teapot. Your DSD is being a bit sneaky and grabby- but it's also a normal age appropriate level of cheekiness. I don't think you have a brat on your hands, just a child. Your DD is reacting in a normal toddler way, easily distracted and living in the moment. She's ok too.

It's really not worth arguing or further testing your marriage over.

I think you should put this issue to one side and address the larger and underlying issues in your marriage. When your marriage is stronger you'll be better placed to face all parenting challenges together.

Why aren't you standing up for your DD?
Why are you so passive about SD behaving like an entitled, selfish brat?

I have a similar aged DSD and a toddler and I absolutely would not tolerate this. She’s only a child so simply calling her out on this is fine but I couldn’t stomach my DP being so passive to the toddler in favour of DSD. It would make me leave honestly. DSD has precious toys I absolutely would not let my DS play with as I know how much they mean to her but other than that they share! She certainly doesn’t mind getting on his toddler toys or using his things. My DSD doesn’t ‘lure’ him away to be honest she’s so good but my younger niece does and I just put her straight and give my DS the toy back! If he puts it down and moves on and then she picks it up- it’s hers to play with and I tell DS that if he wants it back again.

People who say that they are only young and probably don’t care as they are distracted- well they aren’t that age forever but the precedent could already be set where your DD is always treated unfavourably and your DSD will always feel entitled to her things.