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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband not getting on with step child

48 replies

Binxs · 25/05/2020 21:55

I have been with my husband for 6 yrs married for 2. I have 2 children 12 & 14 and he has a child of 10. He does everything with the 2 younger children but not the older one. I have asked and asked him to spend some one on one time to bond but he’s doesn’t do it. The eldest has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and has had to move school because of it, my husband thinks playing on it and playing myself and grand parents to get their own way. He says lies all the time and I’m blind to it. The eldest is always him their bedroom whilst I’m at work says not coming out to be ignored or told to go back up stairs again! I’ve asked them both to wipe the slate clean and start again which the eldest agreed to but still waiting for the hubby!!! My eldest didnt attend the wedding due to anxiety issue and being too crowed but my husband thinks it was because of him. Love my husband but my child is my child!! I just wondered if anyone else has had these issues and if it resolved or If you left?
Thanks

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 25/05/2020 21:58

So the child is open to making a change but the adult isnt? Sorry but I would have to get rid of your husband over this he is behaving terribly. Your eldest must feel so isolated and unwanted in this blended family. Having his difficulties downplayed and ridiculed by him isnt on. Id rather keep my son close and have a good relationship with him in which he feels loved and supported than stay with a man who couldnt behave like an adult.

Original poster
Binxs · 25/05/2020 22:01

The adult is behaving like to child only he can’t see it!

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtains · 25/05/2020 22:05

I wonder why your 14 year old daughter or son is so anxious, and won't apparently come out of their room when you're not there. Have you addressed these basic issues?

Original poster
Binxs · 25/05/2020 22:05

I still have a close relationship with both children and treat the step child like my own. I think it’s become more obvious since lockdown of his true feelings which is sad as y children have and will always come first. I just wanted advice on if anyone has worked through it x

OP posts:
Original poster
Binxs · 25/05/2020 22:08

Only goes down for lunch and breakfast has tried to do school work downstairs but was told to do it back upstairs whilst the youngest stays down stairs to complete their school work. Always been an anxious child just seems to be coming out more and getting older

OP posts:
SandieCheeks · 25/05/2020 22:10

Choose your child.

Fluffykitten23 · 25/05/2020 22:15

Is the oldest child a boy and the youngest child of yours a girl?

Original poster
Binxs · 25/05/2020 22:19

All 3 are the same gender

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 25/05/2020 22:24

I wouldnt want to work through it with someone who is being faily nasty to your child. So he tried to go downstairs with his anxiety to cope with and was told to go back up? Basically telling him your not wanted here so disappear? No chance oh would be gone.

Fluffykitten23 · 25/05/2020 22:27

Oh okay I wondered just from friends experiences of step fathers being harsher to sons. In your case as your son has anxiety and my experience of my own child having it (also worse with age) I would leave him. Children like ours desperately need a safe place so they get a break from their anxiety. I honestly feel for you and your son but no action could make his anxiety get worse with time. Not a nice decision to make but a necessary one imo. Good luck op.

Fluffykitten23 · 25/05/2020 22:28

Or daughter sorry.

MyFuckingFairyGarden · 25/05/2020 22:32

I've got a similar issue at home. And I'm trying to address this. There's a different thing behind the behaviour of my child whom is being treated unfairly. But my partner is very much being the child, so to speak. I've made it clear in front of both of them that I choose my child. We have nowhere to go and a host of other issues which make up the reason I don't just walk away with my children. But if I could go tomorrow I would. Partner is on a last warning and I'm waiting for some help to get him on some courses to help with what he finds hard to manage in my child. He gets on great with my eldest. It's difficult and frustrating. In your case it doesn't sound like your husband has even a smidgen of genuine reason to test your eldest like this. My partner has been hit, kicked, bitten, spat at, sworn at by my child. So I can at least sympathise, my child has a specific and difficult issue but it looks like severe bad behaviour.

Original poster
Binxs · 25/05/2020 22:40

Thank you fluffy kitten 23 I agree with what your saying I think deep down I wanted my husband to step up

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 25/05/2020 22:43

Your son only comes downstairs to eat? He tries to come down to do his homework but is sent upstairs again? Sorry op, your son is being isolated in your home. Of course he is anxious and sadly this will only get worse. If your husband doesn't want to interact to the point he is always sending your son upstairs, this is a terrible rejection and emotional abuse. This is hard to hear I know.

Please don't accept a situation where your husband will try to imply that this is your ds's fault because he gets on with the others and if it wasn't for your eldest you could all play happy families. You only get one chance at parenting and who else but you can protect your son.
Flowers

LovingLola · 25/05/2020 22:44

Do you believe your child?
Does your child believe that you will put them first?

Original poster
Binxs · 25/05/2020 22:50

Yes I believe what is said and they both know they come first

OP posts:
AnxietyForever · 25/05/2020 22:51

Sounds like your husband is one of the triggers for your sons anxiety.
I bet he would be a totally different child without him around.

Mintjulia · 25/05/2020 22:52

I’d have asked the adult to leave by now. What a horrible way to behave.

glitterfarts · 25/05/2020 22:59

Urgently you need to leave / get your DH (D for dickhead). Like, tomorrow.
How abusive and unfair to your eldest. How long has your poor child had to put up with this?
How divisive of the dickhead to favour one and not the other.

Fluffykitten23 · 25/05/2020 23:09

Of course you wanted him to change and that's natural. He is your husband and you love him. Dont feel bad just act now you are wise to it. What an example to set your children that they come first and no one will treat anyone badly in your household. Your children will thank you for it especially your anxious child. Just think when he/ she can fully relax in her/his home. The relief and you may find his/her anxiety gets better. Your a great mum to even realise and do what is needed. We can't make ppl change we just need to cut the toxic out our lives. Really glad you don't have children together. Fresh start op.

doodleygirl · 25/05/2020 23:12

Your husband won’t change, he doesn’t want to. Put your child first otherwise you will never forgive yourself

fuzzymoon · 25/05/2020 23:16

But they don't come first !! You let your H treat them differently right from the start. Knowing this married him and now your child's anxiety is worse.
You put your needs first. Choosing your H over your child.

lunar1 · 25/05/2020 23:25

Why has this gone on so long? Your poor child, imagine not feeling you can leave your own bedroom at home.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 25/05/2020 23:52

Your poor DC - please put your child first. No wonder they have anxiety. Poor kid.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 26/05/2020 00:02

Your poor child Sad